


The Catalyst

by progdor



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Action/Adventure, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Forgiveness, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-21
Updated: 2019-03-21
Packaged: 2019-11-26 23:36:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 155,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18186980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/progdor/pseuds/progdor
Summary: Asuka thought of herself as many things. Elite pilot, protector, smart and broken. Now she wakes up in a new landscape caused by Third Impact and has to face that she was the catalyst for the end of the world. Vowing to protect Shinji, both pilots must confront their pasts and themselves as they try to survive.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As with the Human Equation this is another story that was originally written back when I started writing fan fiction again. This was an attempt in places to be a little bit darker than Human Equation and also play with something different in using a first person viewpoint. I'm very proud of this work, I feel it was a lot stronger than Human Equation and set me up for the later pieces I'd do.

**The first 48 hours**

My stomach is still churning by the time I make it back to my position on the beach. I’m not able to keep anything down at the moment it seems. Even water seems to have difficulty staying in my system. It’s been this way for the past two days now. I’ll try to eat or drink something from the supplies I’ve scavenged but an hour or two later I’ll be consumed by the thoughts, by the loneliness and the guilt and I’ll have to run off to throw up whatever is in my system.

I’m alone here. Maybe it’ll always be this way and maybe I deserve it. After all this is my fault. I could have prevented it if I had been a little bit stronger. If I had listened more, if I had taken notice and not been so afraid. Instead I was a coward, I was sneaky and I did horrible things. I was passive when I shouldn’t have been and I acted when I shouldn’t have done. Now everyone is lost, out there in that hellish red sea and I am alone.

Everyone is gone and it’s all my fault. My guardian, the only person to willingly invite me into their home. Provide me with the love of a parent is gone. I watched her die. It was my fault because I couldn’t find it within myself to do anything because I was selfish she got shot and she died.

Ritsuko, the technicians, Rei and even my father. They’re all gone and it’s all my fault.

Asuka, she’s gone as well. That’s the one that hurts the most. That’s the one that twists my stomach and causes me to vomit. I sat by and did nothing while she was killed. I listened to it all and I could have done something. I could have ordered it to move so I could fight but I sat there and did nothing. That isn’t even the worst of it. Before her fight I visited her in the hospital. I wanted to see her after what had happened with Kaworu.

Asuka was, well Asuka was special to me. She was the only one out of all of them who would be honest with me. She wasn’t afraid to hold anything back. Sometimes she might have been a bit harsh and she could be arrogant, she could be lazy but she was beautiful and talented and no one truly knew what lay behind her eyes. I loved her and I let her down in so many ways. I was so broken.

So when Third Impact started, when the voices and souls of Rei and Kaworu spoke to me do you know what I did? I wished for death. Not for me but for everyone. I wished for an endless world of nothingness. I actually wished for the human race to die. They persuaded me otherwise. They showed me other worlds, other places where I could live without pain and suffering. Where I could be with the people I loved. Do you know what happened though? I realized that those worlds were just hollow and empty. That there was no joy to be found in them because there was nothing negative there either. I realized that tearing down the walls between people completely would result in nothing, that we needed them to exist and be human. So I called for them to be restored.

In that final act I was told that anyone can return as long as they’re able to imagine themselves in their hearts. Two days later I sit alone on this beach. I’m so tired.

**The Spirit of Man…**

When I awake I’m aware of two things. First my stomach is still hurting and secondly I’m not alone on this beach anymore. There is someone else here to my left. I open my eyes and I can feel them widen immediately at what I see. There she is lying next to me, Asuka. She isn’t moving but as I sit up I can see she is alive.

I notice she has a bandage over her right arm is heavily bandaged and her left eye is also covered in bandages. Her other eye is open but not moving, has she noticed me? Does she know where she is? I get up and look at her and suddenly I’m hit by a mixture of emotions.

Anger, Hatred, Fear, Sadness, Rage. They hit me at once and before I know it I’m sitting over her. My hands are edging closer to her throat. She still hasn’t acknowledged me, she still hasn’t moved. This isn’t my Asuka, if it was she’d have yelled at me by now. She would have noticed me by now. She’d have called me an idiot or she would have hurt me for what I did to her!

This is an illusion, conjured by my own mind. I’m terrified of the image of her, after all I did. I caused her to die. If she sees me she’s going to kill me. I have to act first. I can’t take this anymore and I feel my hands tighten around her throat. Her throat is cold to the touch, immediately I feel her body spasm below me in reaction to my actions. I begin to choke harder and her eyes finally come to life. She looks around frantically before looking straight up at me. I don’t release my grip.

Next thing I feel is her bandaged hand reaching up to my cheek. Her touch is soft and gentle as she strokes me softly. I suddenly realize I’m making a mistake. I release my hands from around her and without making a sound I feel tears begin to fall from my eyes. I can’t control it but now they’re flowing freely down my face and onto her body. I can see them splashing on her face and the remains of her plugsuit. She whispers weakly.

“How disgusting.”

I was so very wrong this is my Asuka. I collapse forward onto her and close my eyes. The tears are still running down my face but I feel her put her arms around me and stroke my hair until I fall asleep again.

**I’m not a strong person**

I let him sleep on top of me for a short while. I didn’t want to move him, I can’t imagine he’s had a lot of rest since he returned from that red sea. Eventually I needed to move him. I had to move my limbs, I had to find something to eat and I had to find something to soothe the soreness in my throat. I wonder how long he has been here for.

I look around at the meagre camp he has set up for himself. It’s got a fire, a few boxes of scavenged supplies and blankets. Barely any of it has been used. The idiot is the only one here and he can’t even look after himself properly. It’s a good thing I’m here now.

I take something from the supplies, I realize that I’m craving chocolate for some reason. Isn’t that strange? Come back after the apocalypse and I want chocolate? Fortunately there is some there. I also grab a blanket and place it over the idiot while he sleeps. He looks so peaceful for a change, it’s cute.

I admit, I don’t really know how to feel about Shinji Ikari at this moment in time. I don’t really know how to feel about a lot of things right now. I’ve just returned from sharing thoughts and memories with everyone on the planet including him. I’ve discovered things about myself I probably didn’t need to discover. I’ve gone over my own issues numerous times, resolved them and looped back around to running away from them again. I’ve forgotten most of it now and been left with a strange emptiness. Every now and then something will poke at me and I’ll feel a flash of sadness or anger, or rage or happiness but it’s a bit of a jumble. I guess it’s a side effect of returning.

For now I look across at one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. Many would be surprised to hear me admit that but it’s true. He may not seem it but no one knows him like I do. When you look at him he doesn’t look like much, he comes across as so wimpy and lacking in backbone it annoys you. That’s why I always tried so hard to hate him. He was strong without having to come across as such.

People have always commented on how strong I am but it was bullshit. All I did was put on a front. I didn’t need anybody, I was never going to cry and I was never going to fall in love. Except all of that was untrue. I needed somebody, I did cry and I definitely fell in love. Except my own pride and stubbornness prevented me from accepting that. So I lashed out at others. I yelled at them, I screamed at them and I hurt them.

He on the other hand. He was afraid of being hurt but he tried anyway. He got knocked down but he didn’t give up. He tried to believe in people and he got betrayed and knocked back again and again and again. Until he became so broken he tried to end the world. I don’t blame him. I’d have done the same only I don’t think I’d have been strong enough to reverse it. I’d have given the world the middle finger and sent it straight to hell.

Look at what I’m saying. If it was me I’d have done the same? It was me and that is exactly what I did. The first soul he sought out in that world where all the walls went down was me. He came to me! Not Misato, not his father, not his mother, not his friends the stooges or Rei Ayanami but me. He came to me and you know what I did. I told him how pathetic and weak he was. I told him how scared he was of everyone else and how he didn’t deserve anything because he couldn’t even love himself. I told him how sick he made me.

I shoved him to the ground and kicked him while he was down and then I watched with pleasure as he flipped out and started throwing furniture around before setting his sights on me. So while Shinji might have been the one to make the call I was the catalyst in all of it. I was the spark for Shinjis wish.

Despite all that I put him through at that time he kept on calling for me during it. I could feel my soul being pulled towards him even as I tried to escape. I kept on telling him he made me sick, I kept on telling him he was pathetic. Yet he’d call for me and then he told me something that hasn’t left my mind. He told me that me and him, we’re the same. Maybe it’s true. We’re both from broken homes. My mother died when I was four years old. I watched her die, I found the body. My father, I blamed him and I hated him. He put Mama into that machine which lead to her death. While she was in the hospital he was fucking one of the nurses absorbed in his own guilt.

For Shinji, well there was no body for him to discover. Does that make it any better or worse I wonder? Does it even matter? We can’t really measure grief it affects us differently. His father abandoned him after that, sent him to live with a teacher. Shinji had no family to try to support him like I did. Here is the twist, while I had a family trying to reach through to me I rejected them all. He was reaching out for a family but they rejected him.

I’m not saying Shinji is perfect though. It’s not like he didn’t do anything bad before Third Impact. He did something bad alright and that is where a lot of my anger lies. I saw what he did to me in the hospital. I saw him reach down and touch himself in front of me. I saw him soil his own hand and I saw his reaction afterwards as he ran out of the room to throw up.

It makes me sick, it makes me angry that he did such a thing. I know how fucked up he was and how broken he was but I still need to talk to him about it. I need to have that discussion no matter how uncomfortable it is. It can wait though, for now he needs me. This isolation has gotten to him.

I’m not sure how long I’ve been sat here but he finally starts to stir from his slumber. He sits up and looks over towards me. I can see the fear in his eyes immediately. He’s feeling guilty about what he did to me when I appeared. I reach to the supplies I have next to me and hand him the dry crackers.

“Here, eat these. Not the tastiest but they’ll help with your stomach. You haven’t been able to keep anything down have you?”

Shinji looks at me unsure of whether to take the packet from me. Eventually does so and looks at me sheepishly, “H-How did you know?”

“You’re pale, you’ve clearly lost weight since the last time I saw you and I saw the… evidence when I had a look around unfortunately.”

He looks away from me, clearly embarrassed. I decide to ask him how long he has been back for.

“Two days… I think.”

He takes one of the crackers and nibbles at it slowly. I keep a stern eye on him to make sure he eats the entire thing. We sit there in silence with only the sounds of him eating and the waves on the beach to keep us company. I decide to hand him the bottle of water I grabbed as well.

“Drink this as well, only a few small sips though. You should be able to keep all of that down okay?”

He takes it and has a few small sips out of the bottle and brings the blanket around him. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

I reach around for the final thing I brought from my little scavenging trip earlier. I passed a little book store and knowing about Shinjis condition grabbed a few volumes of manga from within. I skipped the giant robot stuff and went for the comedy or action stuff. I hand him one of the volumes and he looks at me confused.

 “It isn’t quite your SDAT I know, and I can’t vouch for the quality of it but it’ll help keep your mind off of your stomach. You need to rest but I can’t have you going back to sleep yet, I need to watch over you. I don’t think either of us are up for talking so that’ll have to do.”

He smiles at me. I feel a warm glow inside me at his smile. I wonder if that’s the first time he’s smiled since returning. It’s probably the first time I’ve seen him smile in weeks. “It’s perfect, thanks.”

He sits up and starts to read as I return to looking out amongst the sea wondering if and when other people might start to come back. Every now and then I’ll steal a glance at Shinji. I have to keep looking away when I start to think about how cute he is. I don’t need those sorts of thoughts right now. I need to stay focused and strong until we’re able to get off of this beach.

The more I try to force it away the more the thought remains and my mind starts to wander to other places. In my mind I’m edging closer towards him. I’m putting my arm around him and pulling him towards me. It’s escalating until I’m fucking him right there and then. I start to feel something in my lower body and I awkwardly close my legs together and try to force that particular one away. Definitely a thought for a later date, although I might have to alter it slightly to remove certain elements from this little hellish landscape. That’d be a sight, two horny teenagers fucking while the head of Rei Aya-fucking-nami looks on.

“Asuka are you alright?”

I’m pulled from my distasteful thoughts by his voice and jump slightly. Turning to him I nod, “Yeah I’m fine. What’s the matter? Is it your stomach?”

He shakes his head, “It’s feeling alright… I was just wondering if I could have another of the crackers that’s all.”

I hand him the packet and he takes one along with another sip of water. I’m not sure how much time has passed since he started eating but I can feel my eyes starting to grow heavy. I need to stay awake though, I need to watch over him.

“Hey Asuka…”

“Mmm hmm…”

“I think… I’ll be alright if you want to get some rest.”

“Are you sure?”

He nods, “Yeah…”

He starts to pass me the blanket but I feel myself shake my head. I edge closer to him and move the little makeshift pillow he has been using along. I cover myself with the blanket ensuring he still has it covering him too.

“You need to stay warm.”

I instruct him sternly but not before letting out a yawn, “If you feel ill at all wake me okay. I’ll just rest my eyes for a bit.”

I can feel his warmth beside me and before I know it I’ve fallen asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Twisted Coil**

It feels strange the next time I wake up. I almost feel like I’m someplace else. Like I’m back home in the apartment. There is a certain warmth to it that I only felt when I was there. It takes a few moments for me to realize I’m not back there. That I’m still on the beach covered lying on a makeshift bed built on scavenged blankets. I have a soft bag for a pillow and the campfire is starting to go out.

My attention is immediately drawn to the sleeping figure next to me. For a time I’m almost tempted to reach out my hand and stroke her soft red hair. I want to wrap my arm over her and snuggle into her back and hold her tight. I want to feel her warmth next to me but I can’t do that. I don’t deserve to do that. I don’t even deserve to have her in this close proximity. Not after what I did to her. Instead I edge back a little bit and turn onto my back.

I’m not sure how long I’ve slept for but my stomach lets out a grow signifying it wants me to eat. That’s a first since returning. For the past couple of days I’ve eaten out of necessity and thrown it back up shortly afterwards. This time I actually seem to be hungry and there is no sign of the churning that has been there. Maybe just having her near me has helped, having her be nice to me for that short period of time and look after a bit helped.

I’ve actually realized how nice she has been since she returned. I wonder how long it can last for. I don’t deserve her kindness. Not after what I’ve done, I don’t deserve to have her near me at all. By all rights she should hate me right now. She should be hitting me, yelling at me and berating me. Yet she’s sleeping peacefully by my side. After everything I did, I left her to die and I…

Oh god I feel my stomach churn at the thought of it. I’m not going to be sick but I instinctively look at my hand. I’ve washed it a hundred times but I can still see the stains there from where I spilled my seed. I’ve never felt more disgusted with myself in my life. I did that while she was there comatose in the room and she knows about it. She knows about the other times I’ve fantasized about her as well. All those times I’ve lay there in my room and thought about her. Each time I’ve always felt so guilty afterwards. It’s supposed to be natural but I always felt so wrong after it.

I clench my hand into a fist and try to think about something else. I can’t think about that now, I can’t keep going in this circle but I wonder when she is going to bring it up. It’s only a matter of time until she does. She isn’t going to be nice to me forever, no one can be nice to me for that amount of time. She’ll get better and by that time there will be others.

No. I can’t keep thinking like that. That wasn’t why I came back but it isn’t that simple. I’m here on this beach looking at a landscape that was my fault. I’m lying next to someone who is covered in bandages that wouldn’t be there if it wasn’t for me. I came back with the idea that in order for me to be happy I needed to accept the pain reality brought me. That even if I got hurt there was always the chance to be happy. That even though I hated who I was I could learn to love myself. I need to break out of this somehow. I need to push forward somehow but I need guidance… I need you Asuka.

**The Jesters Tear**

_‘So here I am once more In the playground of the broken hearts_  
One more experience, one more entry in a diary, self-penned  
Yet another emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride’

Those lyrics enter my mind as soon as I wake up. They’re from a song called Script for a Jester’s Tear by a band called Marillion. They were somewhat big in Germany in the eighties when my mother was growing up. She was a fan and one of the few things I inherited from her was her taste in music. While the other kids in my school were listening to the top ten of the day I was engaged in albums like Misplaced Childhood or Clutching at Straws. I never really understood what the songs meant. I only really started to learn recently but I always liked the way they sound. I liked the way the vocals were delivered and the poetic nature of them. I actually learned how to speak English so I could understand them more. Of course now I’m fluent in English and Japanese. Of course I am, I’m brilliant. It’s probably a bit unusual for a girl of my age to be into that sort of music but it was one of the few connections I had with my mother that I retained.

I suppose when I look back on it those lyrics can be applied to me in a way. ‘An emotional suicide overdosed on sentiment and pride.’ My breakdown was a perfect example of that. I thought for certain I was unbeatable and unstoppable that when I was knocked back I thought I had lost everything. I spiralled downwards rejecting everything and not letting anyone help me. I was crying out internally for affection and crying out externally for everyone to leave me alone. By the time of the last Angels it was as the song says,  _‘Too late to re-stage the play, the game is over.’_

Except as I lie here on this beach I realize that the game isn’t over. Not just yet, we’ve been given a second chance. Definitely in my case. I raise my hand slightly and stare at the bandage through my working eye. I say working eye, I’m not actually sure if I’m blind in my other one yet. It’s bandaged and I daren’t remove it yet, just in case. I actually saw a mirror when I was looking around earlier and promptly ran away from it. I can’t look at myself yet. I need to stay strong to look after Shinji, so that when I lower my wall he can handle it.

This is what I mean when I spoke about strength earlier. I’m all front and behind it lies a terrified girl who has never reached out to anyone. I desperately want to but I’m scared of doing so because I’m scared of how people will see me if I do. I need to reach out though eventually otherwise what happened before will end up happening again and I can’t go through that again.

I’m looking across at Shinji, he’s awake and sitting up looking out towards the sea. Every now and then he sniffs and wipes a tear from his eyes. I don’t know if he knows I’m awake yet. If he does he hasn’t made any indication. He’s probably scared of me, about what I’ll say. The malicious part of me thinks this is good, he should be afraid of me. He should be terrified of me because for a time I knew all his dirty little secrets. He should be terrified of me because he knows sooner or later we’re going to have to discuss certain actions. He should be terrified of me because it was because of him I died.

I don’t want him to be terrified of me though. I don’t want to be angry at him because I’m fed up of being angry. I’m fed up of hiding my feelings for him behind a wall of hatred. So instead I want to talk with him about it. I want to lay everything out on the table. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to make it easy for him. I want him to beg and plead for my forgiveness. I want him to cry his little eyes out in front of me. I want us to scream and yell at each other and tell each other everything the other did wrong. Then I want to break down and cry in front of him. I want to sob my little heart out until we both collapse in each other’s arms.

Not yet though. It can wait.

I sit up quickly causing him to flinch away from me. A little bit of colour has returned to his cheeks, not much but a bit. I can assume he hasn’t been sick since I got him to eat earlier which is good. I guess my presence has helped that. I really am brilliant sometimes.

“Good morning Shinji… or afternoon… or evening… who even knows anymore.”

“Hi…”

His voice is barely above a whisper, this is going to get annoying before too long. No matter how bad he feels I’m not going to put up with having to ask him to repeat himself a bit louder each time he speaks.

“I’ve been thinking, we should probably move off of this beach. There are a few buildings still standing nearby we could probably take shelter in them.”

He looks out towards the sea and nods, “Yeah…”

I’m not annoyed yet but I can feel myself getting there. I give him another chance.

“I think we could probably both do with looking for a change of clothes or something too.”

“Yeah…”

My anger is now rising. One more chance.

“Are you up for travelling?”

“Yeah…”

I lurch forward and grab the front of his shirt collar and pull him towards me. His deep brown eyes immediately look elsewhere. I can feel him shake at my touch and I immediately regret what I’ve done. I can’t hold back though, I need him to snap out of this even if it’s only until we’ve found somewhere. We need to survive until others come back, I don’t plan on dying, again. I keep my voice stern but I don’t yell.

“Look at me.”

He doesn’t so I pull him closer.

“I said look at me Shinji.”

His eyes meet mine. They’re so lost, so full of hurt. At this proximity I can see the redness around them from where he has been crying. I fix my gaze on him.

“I know this is difficult but we have to survive Shinji. I need you to take this seriously, even if it is only until we find somewhere. Do you understand me?”

He snaps to attention, “I... understand Asuka.”

“Good, because we need to survive.”

“I… don’t…”                         

He looks at me and turns away mid-sentence. I already know what he is going to say and it fills me with rage. The bastard thinks he can just get away with saying something like that to me or even thinking that.

“You don’t what? Need to survive? Don’t deserve to survive? Do you want to die Shinji?”

His eyes meet mine but he says nothing and I continue shouting.

“Because I have died Shinji, I was torn apart and eaten alive by those monsters and I died. And I can tell you it fucking hurt. It wasn’t some magical being pulled towards a tunnel and seeing my loved ones. It hurt and I’m not going to squander my second chance here on dying needlessly on some beach and I am certainly not going to let you die either and leave me alone here.”

“Sorry…”

“So we’re going to get up, we’re going to find somewhere to take shelter in and find some supplies. We’re going to find a change of clothing and we’re going to live Shinji.”

“I… Yeah okay… sorry.”

I release my grip on his shirt collar and move my hands to rest on his shoulders. I’m aware of our proximity and I notice a new determination in his eyes. What I said seems to have had some effect, maybe he’s realized I’m not going to abandon him.

“Now, what have you seen around here?”

“I… there’s a small village about half an hour away.”

“Good, outside of Tokyo-3 so it’s not damaged?”

He nods, “Yeah, there are a few shops there, only small ones though.”

“We’ll go there then. Are you sure you’re up to it?”

I’m sure he is but I have to make sure, I’m not sure of my own strength yet. Half an hour might not seem like a lot of time but if he falls ill on the way there I’m not sure I can carry him or drag him. I’ve been ignoring the pain in my arm since I returned and I still don’t know the extent of my injuries. I have to make sure we’re both going to be able to make this trip.

He gives a small smile and nods.

“I’ll… be alright.”

I’m still trying to stay stern with him but I can’t help but feel my heart flutter a little bit when I see him smile. It’s such a cute smile.

“Good.”

All the anger is gone now. I admit I feel a little bit bad for yelling at him. I had to do it though, I need him to be focuses and it was one of the only ways to get through to him. To make up for it I pull him towards me again and wrap my arms around him letting him snuggle into my shoulder for some time. He seems a little bit hesitant at first but eventually I feel the warmth of his arms around me.

“Asuka… I… I’m sorry for everyt-“

I place my finger on his lips and shush him, “Not now Shinji, it can wait.


	3. Chapter 3

**This town is sad...**

Since I returned time has lost its meaning for me. I don’t have my watch, my mobile phone died ages ago so all I have to go on is guessing. I can guess that I had been back for about two or three days before Asuka returned to me. I can guess that the small village was about half an hour away but as we take another step Asuka is turning to me with an angry look on her face.

“Are you sure it was only half an hour away? It feels like we’ve been walking for longer.”

I shake my head and come clean, “I… thought it was half an hour away I guess… it was a bit longer.”

“Well I think I can see it at least, we should make it before nightfall at the very least.”

Asuka hasn’t started moving again, he gaze is fixed firmly on the buildings of the village. I take up a position beside her and look myself. This place managed to escape the wrath of Third Impact at least in some ways. I can make out cars stationary along the road leading into the village, I can see them stopped in the middle of the street. Overturned kids bicycles are there. My mouth suddenly turns very dry at the sight of it. Everything we see there is exactly as it was before humanity was taken away. I don’t know if I’m prepared to see this.

I’ve heard of this sort of thing happening in the world before. Entire cities have been evacuated and the people never returned turning them into a bizarre ghost town. Nature eventually reclaimed them. Only this is different, the people there were evacuated and relocated elsewhere. The people in this town, indeed in many towns across the world might not return. It’s all my fault.

I turn to look at Asuka’s face and for the first time since she has returned I see fear on her face. She’s gone pale I notice a trembling in her hands.

She whispers, “Hey Shinji…”

“Yeah…”

“How are you feeling?”

My stomach has a dull ache in it and I can feel myself trembling too. Instead of being honest I tell a lie, “I… I’m alright?”

“You’re lying.”

I nod and give a sheepish smile, “I’m scared…”

“We should take a break.”

“Yeah.”

She points towards an area nearby and tells me to sit down while she hands me a bottle of water out of the backpack she’s been carrying. The area she has picked has an obscured view of the village so none of us can see it. I realize I haven’t asked her she is feeling, in fact I haven’t asked her how she’s feeling since she came back. It’s all been her talking to and directing me. I’ve just assumed she is alright because she gives off that aura.

Yet I know otherwise. I know this is probably hurting her as much as it is me. I know it can’t be easy for her to see that town, I know it can’t be easy for her to have to drag me around like she is and I know it can’t be easy for her to have to look at those bandages.

“Asuka…”

“Mm Hmm.”

“Are you… alright?”

It sounds like such a stupid question now that it has left my lips. It’s just like the time she got attacked by the Angel in orbit and I asked the same thing. All I could do was stand there and ask her if she was alright. I’m an idiot, just as she always says.

I’m surprised to actually see her grinning, “You’re an idiot. What do you think?”

I lower my eyes to the ground and suddenly become engrossed with a stick and the various shapes I can draw in the ground with it as I give my reply, “You’re far from alright.”

“Got it in one. I’m tired, cold and hungry. I’ve got a pain in my eye and running up my arm and I’m fed up of wearing this stupid Plugsuit. So yeah, far from alright but thank you for asking.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t apologize, I’m not mad at you for asking.”

“Sorry…”

“What did I just tell you?”

“Sorry…”

“You’re doing that on purpose now aren’t you?”

“No I jus… sorry.”

I jump up suddenly as I feel her finger jab me sharply in the side. It doesn’t hurt but it does tickle a lot. I immediately back away from her anticipating a further attack on my sides or anywhere. Almost instinctively I want to apologize again but I stop myself. I don’t so it on purpose, it is just a reaction. I don’t even know what I’m apologizing for half the time.

“Are you done?”

I nod keeping my hands firmly over both my sides just in case. “Yes.”

“Good. We should probably get this over and done with then shouldn’t we?”

She stands up and looks in the direction of the village. There is a determination in her eyes that has replaced the fear I saw earlier. I don’t know if it is genuine or an act but right now she looks so strong and so beautiful. I’m standing by her side again and I feel the dull ache in my stomach return as quickly as it went away.

I look across at her, she has already started walking forward so I follow. I take another drink of water to easy some of the dryness in my mouth. I’m looking at the trail of cars in the road again, I’m looking at the overturned bicycles and I’m imagining what this might have looked like a couple of days ago. Before I did what I did.

I wonder for a moment if ghosts are real. It certainly wouldn’t be the strangest thing I’ve seen in the past year. Maybe there are ghosts in this town, still living their lives as if they never left. Of maybe it will just remain silent and empty forever. I’m not sure what scares me more.

**...and we like it that way.**

I’ll admit I didn’t expect seeing that town to have such an effect on me as it did. Once I saw the trail of cars though, the kids’ bikes and the streetlamps coming on it really hit me. We’re truly alone right now. Me and Shinji are the only people in this place, maybe in the entire world and that’s hard to comprehend.

I'm confident people will come back eventually. It's just a matter of time, I mean me and Shinji came back but then again we're hardly like the others, they were pulled into it and me and Shinji well... like I said before I was the catalyst that provided the spark for Shinji to do what he did. I keep on thinking about that. It runs around in my head over and over again the same way that after the orbital Angel I couldn't stop thinking my identity as a pilot did.

I helped to spark Third Impact, I told Shinji to do it and he complied. He came to me and me alone. He reached out to me because he had feelings for me but by that time I was so far gone I told him to fuck off and burn it all. I wonder what would have happened if I said otherwise? Would it have made a difference? Should I even be feeling guilty for what happened? It doesn't matter now. What is done is done we shouldn't question it anymore, we should push forward.

Before long I realize we're in amidst the town itself. I'm trying hard to push the fear out of my mind and body. To pack it away into some corner like I am my other emotions. There is a voice in the back of my head telling me that could be a mistake but I don't care. I need to appear strong in front of Shinji. He's getting his strength and will to move on from me. I make a promise to myself that I'll let it all out later but for now we push forward.

Have you ever played a horror video game before in which the main character enters a town only to find it completely abandoned, yet you can't shake the feeling someone is watching you? That's similar to this right now. Except it's still daytime and there isn't any fog. Two facts I'm thankful for. This town is completely empty, left in exactly the same state it was when Third Impact started. In the streets I can see peoples accessories, bags and umbrellas and even glasses from where they were standing when it began. There are a few cars parked in the middle of the road, a few have hit one another. A child's bike lies overturned on the pavement.

The first store we come across is a small family run hardware store. I turn to Shinji.

"Wait here."

I quickly go inside and grab a crowbar and a torch from inside the store. I'm not really sure if there are backup power generators in this town so the torch will be useful for the night time. The crowbar is in case we need to force anything open and I guess for protection too. From what I don't know but it makes me feel better. I emerge and hand the torch to Shinji and hold the crowbar in my uninjured hand.

"W-What's that for?"

"In case we need to break into anywhere of course."

I don't tell him about it also being for protection. I don't want to worry him and besides the idea seems stupid. We're the only two people here so what do I need protection from?

_'Shinji.'_

I pause in my tracks rolling the answer to my question around in my head. Where the hell did that come from? What would I need protection from Shinji for? What is that poor kid going to do to the great Asuka Langley Sohryu?

_'Try to choke you again?'_

I feel my free hand subconsciously reach up to my throat and I grow cold as I remember what had happened on the beach. I hadn't thought about it until now but what was he trying to do then? Why did he do that? I can still remember his eyes at that moment. They had gone, whatever was behind them wasn't Shinji anymore it was something else. It's been some time since then though, Shinji hasn't tried to do that again and he won't.

_'Unless he is just biding his time, unless he can't control it.'_

My plugsuit suddenly feels unbearably tight around my throat. I need to get it off as soon as possible. I need to change into something else. The desolation of this town, the loneliness of it all is getting to me. It's making me have these thoughts. There is a small clothes store nearby, I can find something from in there.

"Asuka?"

I jump at the sound of his voice, slowly I turn to meet his eyes. "Y-Yeah?"

"What... where are we going now?"

I point towards the clothes store, "Over there... I need to get changed into something else."

"Right."

\---

I looked out of the window of our temporary home and saw the sun was starting to set. We had been fortunate in finding this place. It was a small one bedroom apartment over a grocery store, it was currently up for rent but it had been furnished so we already had access to a bed, sofa, and all basic amenities. We even found a back-up generator around the back so we had some limited power. We even had some running water which meant I could finally take a shower.

Showering was a strange experience for me. It was the first time I actually saw how I looked since the fight. It was the first time I got a glimpse of my scarred body in a mirror. There were a number of them dotted around my body, all faded now as if they had been there for years.

I daren't look at my hand yet or reveal what is under the patch covering my eye.

I can smell something coming from the kitchen, Shinji is cooking in there. I'm not quite sure what he is cooking again our options are limited. A lot of the food isn't fit for use at the moment but I think he managed to find something. It seems this small town was serviced by a nearby farm so if it comes to it we could always grow our own food.

I look at my old plugsuit thrown across the sofa. I'm not sure why I kept it when I got into these new clothes. I just couldn't bring myself to throw it away. I however made sure Shinji got rid of the old uniform he was wearing when he got his change of clothes. The thing was stained with blood, tears and other things. It was so silly how reluctant he was to take anything at first. I mean it is technically stealing because we expect people to return but at the moment survival takes priority right?

So now I can see him from here at work in the kitchen. For the first time he actually looks happy, properly happy. I suppose cooking has taken his mind off of things for the moment and I'm happy to let him be that way. Especially after the thoughts that entered my head earlier today. I guess there is a part of me that is scared of Shinji. That’s one of the differences between me and Shinji. He has seen me angry, he has seen me lose my temper in real life. He’s watched as I’ve kicked things over, threatened him and other and punched walls. I’m not proud of any of that but he has seen it.

The anger that lies in Shinji though, I’ve heard of it but I’ve never seen it. I heard about how he held NERV to ransom after he found out his friend Touji was the pilot of Unit 3, I heard about what he did when that Angel decapitated my Unit 02 and how after that he was absorbed into the Unit. I’ve only heard of those though, I never saw it and I’ve never seen him angry. Despite all the crap I and others gave him I’ve only seen him regress into himself. The first glimpse of that anger I saw was during Third Impact, in that bizarre world where our souls were the same. I saw what lies behind Shinji’s eyes and I don’t want to see it again. I’m scared of it and it isn’t for my safety. I could hold my own against him but I’m scared for what it would do to him if it came to the surface.

It’s not worth thinking about now though. I smells coming from the kitchen are too nice for dark thoughts right now. I should have told him more how much I appreciated his cooking when we lived with Misato. Not just because I couldn’t cook and not just because Misatos cooking was beyond awful but because Shinji actually cared about what he did and it showed when it was put in front of me.

**Bed of Nails**

I’m finally starting to drop off when I hear the whimper from her in the bed next to me. I turn around and see her body twitch ever so slightly. I sit up to get a better look from my position on the floor.

“Mama…”

Her body twitches again as her word hits me hard. When I first heard her calling for her mother in her sleep all those months ago I dismissed it. I mumbled that she was just a kid herself because she was always trying to seem so much older and more mature than any of us. I didn’t know then what I know now though. I didn’t know about her mother back then.

“No…. what are you doing…”

Her body moves again more violently this time. I watch on wondering if I should maybe do something. She speaks again only louder this time.

“Don’t go Mama… no... no… no… I… I’ll stop them, I’ll do it just don’t leave me…”

Her body is moving around more now and she’s yelling. I quickly jump up and go to the side of the bed. She’s thrashing around and I wonder what I should do.

“I don’t want this… don’t die! Please don’t leave me all alone!”

My heart is racing in my chest, I gently nudge her should just in time to avoid one of her arms flailing towards me.

“Asuka…”

“Mama… I’ll die with you! Just don’t leave me!”

“Asuka… wake up!”

I kneel on the bed and place both of my hands on her shoulders and shake her with more force.

“Asuka! Please wake up.”

“I…. I’ll kill you all! I’ll kill you! I’ll kill you!”

“Asuka! Wake up, please!”

Her body now thrashing about with more force I try to shake her one more time. I can feel her hands hitting against mine. It hurts but I don’t care, I need to wake her up.

“ASUKA!”

Her eyes flicker open and she is looking directly up at me. Both of my hands are on her shoulders pinning her down onto the bed. I’ve got one knee on the bed and my mostly naked body is above hers. I also notice that in the wake of her thrashing around she’s managed to throw the covers off of herself revealing her mostly naked body as well.

“What the hell are you doing? Get the hell off me!”

I feel her push up against me and throw me off of her, almost immediately she gathers the sheets together to cover up her body and scrambles away from me.

“You… You, what the hell were you doing! You… You pervert! You-“

“I-I-I… you were having a bad dream… I was trying to wake you…”

She looks at me for a moment. In the dim light of the room I see a look on her face of pure fear. I don’t blame her, the last time I was stood over her while she was in a bed was that time in the hospital. No wonder she reacted like she did.

“I… I was… having a bad dream…”

I nod, “Yeah… I’m sorry if I startled you. I’m… I’ll sleep in the other room.”

I try to get up but I feel her grab my hand and pull me towards her, “No… its fine. I just… in the confusion… I thought you…”

I know exactly what she thought. I don’t really know what to say at this point. I still feel absolutely sick at the thought of it, I don’t even know how she can be civil with me. I violated her in one of the worst ways possible and she knows all about it.

“Did I… wake you?”

I shake my head, “No, I couldn’t sleep as it is… I was thinking.”

It was half true. The real reason I couldn’t get to sleep is because the floor is so uncomfortable. I offered to sleep on the sofa but Asuka insisted we share the room because of safety in numbers. So I elected to sleep on the floor. She didn’t seem to have a problem with me sharing the bed as long as we kept a suitable distance but I didn’t feel it was appropriate.

“Oh yeah… what about?”

“Just… everything I guess.”

I hear her laugh, “Idiot.”

I feel something tickle the top of my hand and realize her bandages have become loosened in the melee just now.

“Asuka, your bandages…”

“I know, they’ve become loose. Noticed it when I was in the shower earlier.”

“Do you… do you want me to check the supplies for any new bandages.”

“Not now. Can you go and get me some water though please…”

**A Nightmare to Remember…**

I’m sure I see Shinji smile as he nods, I watch him curiously as he leaves the room. I wonder if he has realized I can see pretty much all of him in those boxer shorts of his. After that nightmare it’s something pleasant to look at. Shinji actually has a fairly well defined body. I suppose being an Evangelion pilot he has to, his shoulders are just that little bit broader than they seem when he has clothes on. His stomach is smooth and although skinny looks comfortable enough to sleep on. Lower than that, let’s just say I’m struggling to not let my mind wander right now.

Pretty rich stuff considering I just called him a pervert as well and here I am thinking about what I’d like to do to him.

Anything to get the images from the nightmare out of my head I suppose. I’m even tempted to take advantage of his guilt for a moment, maybe get him to reveal a little bit more to me in exchange for him getting to see me. I’m better than that though and besides there are issues we need to iron out before we could even think of anything like that. So for now sneak glances and dirty thoughts are all I’ll have.

The nightmare, it was a typical one for me. I suffer from them quite a lot although I don’t think I’ve ever yelled out in my sleep because of them. It was about Mama of course. They always are, about how she was taken away from me. This one had nine special guest stars in there as well just to add to my psychological torture. It just wasn’t enough for me to see my mother die again, this time I had to watch her be impaled by the same lances that got me. I probably won’t get much more sleep tonight. I had already struggled to get to sleep because I felt guilty that Shinji was sleeping on the floor, guilt on top of nightmarish images mean I may as well just get up now.

Still holding up the covers I reach over and pick up the shirt I discarded earlier in the night and put it on. Just in time for Shinji to return with water, he’s got something else in his hand as well. The torch and a first aid box, I thought I told the idiot to not do anything with the bandages. I don’t want to look at it, I’m not ready.

“Shinji I told you…”

“Let me look, please.”

“I-I can’t…”

His touch is so soft and gentle as he takes my bandaged hand. “Asuka, you need these changing. I’ve been bandaged up before. Please, let me.”

I know he is right, god damn it all he is right but I just can’t look at it. I don’t want to see the scars. I’ve already seen the smaller scars dotted around my body when I got out of the shower earlier and I felt like crying. I’m not ready for this yet. Like I’m going to tell him that.

“No, just leave it.”

His grip tightens on me, “Asuka!”

Damnit when did he suddenly develop this backbone. I snarl back at him. “Fine! Do what you have to do, but don’t think I’m going to co-operate with you in anyway.”

I close my eyes and look away pretending I’m in a mood with him. I suppose it’s one way of us both getting what we want. He gets to change the godforsaken dirty bandages like they need to be and I get the comfort of not having to look. He wordlessly works at my bandages taking off the old ones. His touch sends a shiver through me, it's so gentle. I don't know if that is just him or if he is going to extra effort because of my injuries.

I daren't look, it's too soon but I am intrigued.

"Is it bad?"

I get no response for him, instead all I get is him leaning in and putting the finishing touches on sorting out the new bandage on my arm.

“Shinji I asked you a question, is it bad?”

I feel his hand leave mine and I finally turn around to see him. I look at my bandaged hand. The bandages aren’t as high up as the ones that were on me before. I guess the damage didn’t quite go up that high. I notice Shinji is on his knees on the bed, he’s struggling not to cry again.

I don’t mean to but I sigh, “Shinji, what’s wrong?”

“I…”

He sniffs and wipes a tear away from his eye, “I’m sorry Asuka… it’s my fault you’re like this.”

Ah of course, he’s taken one look at the scars and is blaming himself. I guess it’s only natural because in some ways it is his fault. He didn’t exactly try to do anything while I was fighting the Eva Series. He took one look at his Evangelion in the Bakelite and gave up. He knew his mother could hear him in there and he didn’t even try to do anything.

Am I angry about what happened? Of course I am, that’s why I just had a nightmare involving those nine bastards but I don’t blame Shinji for it. I blame NERV, I blame SEELE and I blame myself for not seeing it coming. Shinji, well maybe I’m a little bit annoyed that he didn’t try something. It definitely isn’t his fault though.

“You’re such an idiot.”

“…yeah…”

“Look I don’t want to discuss this now, I’m tired. Just let me know… was the scarring that bad?”

To my surprise he shakes his head, “There was barely anything there, it was like your che-“

I raise my eyebrow as he suddenly stops himself. I’m glad you got a good look at my chest Shinji, enough to notice the scarring in this light. I’ll let it slip for now considering I just spent snuck a look at his ass after all. I am however surprised to hear the scarring isn’t that bad. Considering how many bandages were there when I came back I expected it to be serious.

“Well that’s something I guess. Let’s get some sleep shall we?”

He nods and gets off the bed moving back over to his makeshift set up on the floor. I can’t help it but I make sure I get another good look at him. Happy thoughts before bedtime. I lie back and close my eyes and hear him shuffle about on the floor trying to get comfortable.

A few minutes pass and more shuffling. It really can’t be comfortable down there for him. I never really thought of that when he said he’d sleep on the floor. I move across from the middle of the double bed onto one side and prop myself up on one hand and call over to him.

“Shinji, get in.”

 “Huh?”

“The bed, put a shirt on and get in. I’m not putting up with you shuffling about like that all night. It’s keeping me awake.”

“I… I can sleep in the other room if you want.”

“No! We sleep in the same room. Just do as I say and get in will you and hurry up before I change my mind.”

Slowly he stands up and throws on one of the shirts I got for him and moves over to the side of the bed. He’s hesitant but slowly he gets in and annoys me further by balancing himself as far away from me as possible, right on the edge of the stupid thing.

“You are such an idiot Shinji, for the love of god.”

I wrap an arm around him and pull him towards me, I can feel him struggle against it but I tighten my grip on him. I shuffle myself forward until I’m close to pressing my chest into his back and relax my grip ever so slightly.

“Good night Shinji.”

I close my eyes and thankfully the nightmares don’t return.


	4. Chapter 4

**What a brave, brave girl…**

I’m in a darkened room, in front of me is a hospital bed lit only by one spotlight. The rest of the room is silent except for the rhythmic beeping of the machines hooked up to the beds occupant. I feel like I’ve been in this room before, as I walk towards the bed I see Shinji lying there. His chest moving up and down slowly but his eyes closed.

I don’t remember this, what happened to him? Why is he here lying in this bed. Why am I here? Coming up to Shinji’s bedside like this, even entering his room. This isn’t me! I never did this, every time he was here I’d wait outside avoiding stepping into the room and waiting for the chance to run home. I hate hospitals. They make me feel sick. The smell, the noise and the people. So I wonder why I’m here now and again I wonder why he is lying in this bed. I can’t remember and this frustrates me.

Did I fail to protect him like I said I would? No I can’t have done! I promised myself I wouldn’t fail again, I promised myself I wouldn’t get things wrong. So why the hell is he here?

I’m now standing right next to his bedside, I suddenly get the urge to talk to him. I don’t know why, it’s not like he can hear me but here I go.

“Hey Shinji…”

“I… I don’t know what happened but…”

What the hell do I say now? ‘You’ll be alright’, ‘You’ll get through this’?

“You’ll recover, you always do! You’re the invincible Shinji! Just… make sure you wake up…”

I bite the bottom of my lip and realize I’m actually trembling. Why the hell am I shaking so much? What am I scared of?

_‘Abandonment… he’s going to die and abandon you. He’s too weak and you’ll be left on your own.’_

No, that isn’t true. Shinji is strong he just shows it in a different way.

_‘Bullshit… he’s weak and you know it. You’re just carrying around dead weight right now. You’re just scared of being on your own but you know the truth. You’re better off on your own. You don’t need a useless little boy like him.’_

“No… you’re wrong. He won’t abandon me and people will come back. We’ll survive.”

_‘Will they? Look at your world so far. How long has it been? Two weeks in and no one else has returned. Face it you’re both alone and Shinji is going to die.’_

“Shut up!”

_‘He’ll die and there is nothing you can do about it. Don’t you understand yet? You can’t do anything. You never have been able to. You’ve just coasted along.’_

“Shut up! That isn’t true!”

_‘You’re just like him! Weak and pathetic, rejecting others because of your own fear of being alone. You’re the same!’_

“No! I’m not scared… I’m not weak and neither is he!”

_‘Liar.’_

I’m shaking now and I’ve moved away from the bed. I step forward again frantically and grab onto Shinji’s shoulder. I’m not weak. I’m not! I swear, I know I can be strong and I know he isn’t going to leave me. I just, I need him to wake up now! We need to leave this place.

“Shinji, listen to me you have to wake up!”

I shake him and get no response.

“Please Shinji don’t… just don’t leave me here. I’m scared okay? I can’t be alone.”

I shake again, his heart rate increases a bit but I still get nothing.

“Look I don’t care, just wake up. I need you Shinji, wake up. Just apologize to me like you always do, cry or blush or I don’t know just… WAKE UP!”

I shake one more time pulling him forward and without meaning to I pull the sheet entirely off of him. In shock I quickly place him back down on the bed and step away. What the hell was I thinking? I realize my breathing has slowed somewhat and my right hand is trembling. I’m looking his naked body up and down.

“Sh-Shinji…”

I feel a warm sensation in my lower body and I can feel my hand instinctively going in that direction. It’s slowly undoing the button on my jeans. I’m drawn to his body, fixated on one particular part. I feel myself gasp as my hand enters my underwear.

For a moment I recall a past conversation.

_“You make me sick!”_

_“Why, because I’m just like you?”_

I feel sick, I’m so fucked up.

**…Never lied before…**

I suddenly wake up and I realize thankfully that I’m in the apartment bedroom. Shinji is lying next to me peacefully and on his side. My entire body is covered in sweat and there is a throbbing in my right hand. The last few moments of my dream are replaying in my head over and over again. I guess certain things have been playing on my mind for the last few days. We both need to have that discussion about that happened leading up to Third Impact but I keep on putting it off.

I guess I’ve been rolling that phrase around in my head a lot too. It was a conversation that occurred during Instrumentality. In which I called him out again, I told him he made me sick only for him to tell me that he was just like me. That was the moment my wall crumbled down around me. It was true and I wondered that if our role had been reversed in certain situations would I have acted the same?

Of course I would, I already did. When Shinji finally emerged from the Eva after a month of being in there he was naked. I remember being entranced by his body. Fixated on it and burnt the image into my mind. I remember myself staggering away to the locker room, locking the door and getting myself off there and then. I even had to bite down on my other hand to stop myself from screaming out as I brought myself to orgasm.

I’m just as bad, I’m just as fucked up as Shinji. The one difference is at least he’s ready to admit and feel bad about it. I’m just tucking it away and ignoring it hoping it’ll go away while he is actually remorseful. The sad thing is Shinji has seen it, he knows about it and he continues to love me.

This is why I can’t talk to him about it because I know I’ll yell, and I’ll scream and I’ll cry at him and lay into him. He’ll take it all and refuse to call me out on my bullshit and behaviour. He’ll continue to love the detestable person known as Asuka Langley Sohryu and I don’t deserve any of it.

**…such a plain deceit…**

It’s been two weeks and once again I find myself staring out across the red sea looking for any trace that someone, anyone might have come back. As it has been for the past fourteen days only me and Asuka are here. There is nothing, no footsteps, no camps and no trace.

_“Anyone can return to their human form, as long as they are able to imagine themselves within their own heart.”_

Those were some of the last words my mother spoke to me before I returned to this beach. I was here for two days before Asuka returned. Are we the only two living beings to imagine ourselves in our own hearts then? Does no one else feel the way we did about those false worlds presented to them? Are they really content with living within a false reality lacking pain but also lacking in joy?

“No trace huh?”

I shake my head at the sound of her voice, “… Nothing…”

“Well no use getting upset over it, tomorrow is another day.”

She sounds upbeat, enthusiastic and I don’t know how. We’re the only two people here, we’re fending for ourselves and we don’t know how long this is going to go on for. What if no one does come back? What if everyone decides their lives were so shit they are happy to live in a false reality? What if for some reason they can’t come back, what if my mother lied to me? It wouldn’t be the first time. My entire life was a series of lies told by my mother and father and numerous other people.

I’m not even upset anymore, I don’t even feel sick about it anymore I just feel. Empty. I clench my hand into a fist and hit it off of the rock I’m sat on. The pain instantly tells me that I’ve made a mistake and Asuka grabs me wrist.

“Idiot, what the hell are you thinking?”

“Sorry…”

I sigh, “I just don’t understand it… why has no one else returned yet?”

“Well we don’t know that for certain.”

“There’s nothing down there Asuka, it’s… what if they can’t… I, what if I made it so they can’t.”

“You’re really dense sometimes Shinji. Think about it for a moment will you. How many people were there on this planet?”

I don’t know the answer to that. Something that becomes quite clear when she looks at the blank expression on my face. All I get from her is a sigh.

“Let’s say the entire world’s population was at about three billion when Third Impact happened and every soul in the world was drawn into it. So minus us that’s two billion nine hundred and ninety nine million, nine hundred and ninety eight people left to return, from around the entire world. Now think about how many people were in Tokyo-3 and its surrounding areas at the time it happened. The entire area had been evacuated hadn’t it? Do you see my point?”

I don’t see her point, in fact the numbers she is reeling off just gives me a headache so I shake my head.

“Urgh, what I’m trying to say is that we aren’t the only place affected. This got everyone, so any number of people could have returned by now but in different parts of the world. Millions could have come back by now. Europe, America, Africa, all of those people could have returned and we wouldn’t know about it yet because we’re stuck here in this small town with a power generator and no way of contacting the world beyond ourselves.”

I can see her point now, I hadn’t thought about it like that.

“I mean what were you expecting to happen? Three billion people just wash up on the beach?”

I look at her blankly and she narrows her gaze at me.

“You were expecting that weren’t you?”

“N-Not quite like that…”

“You’re an idiot.”

I actually laugh. Her words have calmed me somewhat. I guess we don’t really know the rules of this new world yet. We don’t know what lies beyond our little bit of land, “I guess I am… but, don’t you think it’s odd that no one else has returned yet?”

“Like who?”

I think about all the people who could return, “Well… Misato, the technicians… the inhabitants of the town…”

“Maybe they had but we can’t find them yet. Maybe they came back further up the beach or even closer to Tokyo-3. It’s not like we have the resources to search for them. Neither of us can drive, we don’t have a radio and…”

She suddenly stands up and looks out towards the sea, she’s curiously eyeing the head of Lilith. It’s sunken into the sea somewhat, its hideous grinning face now becoming more obscured by the water. In the distance I can see the stone forms of the Eva series hanging there. Asuka is still scanning the horizon.

“Asuka?”

“I never thought of that before…”

“What didn’t you think of?”

“We should leave, and get back to the apartment. I think it’s time we learned how to drive.”

“Huh what for?”

She doesn’t answer me and instead starts walking back towards the town. I follow behind her struggling at first to keep up with her.

“Asuka, what… what is it?”

**…Everyone would eventually know…**

Shinji can’t know this yet but we have a problem. I’ve only just realized something and because of it I’m glad that no one has returned to our area yet. We’re basically fugitives, wanted by the Japanese Government with an explicit order to eliminate us. That’s why the JSSDF invaded our home, that’s why they committed a mass slaughter of NERV and that’s why I had to fight against other living people. The Japanese Prime Minister believing we were going to instigate Third Impact sent them in to kill us all and they would have succeeded if I hadn’t awoken at the right time and stopped them.

It was false of course, SEELE had supplied the Prime Minister with false information while they moved in the background to start it themselves. So this is the issue, does the world know of SEELEs role in this or is that information limited to myself and Shinji? How much was shared with others during Instrumentality anyway? What are the rules here?

Myself and Shinji were special, we spent a lot of time in each other’s heads but how much of that is true for the rest of the world. God, it’s so confusing. What I’m sure of though is that we should start being more careful going forward. We need to be prepared to move, they won’t hesitate to kill us. I know how those soldiers held a gun to Shinjis head and I had an entire contingent of tanks, VTOLs and otherwise coming at me.

The second thing I’ve realized is that there were NERV shelters and complexes built outside of Tokyo-3. If we can make it to one of them we should find equipment and maybe we can make contact with the outside world. We’ll need to operate under false names though, Evangelion pilot’s Asuka Langley Sohryu and Shinji Ikari suddenly appearing is bad news.

First though we need to be able to get to one of them. I memorised the locations of them all the way back to Tokyo-2. Have I ever mentioned just how brilliant I am? To get to them though we need to be able to drive. So that is where my plan begins. I drop my pace somewhat letting Shinji catch up with me. I’m aware of the smile across my face. I think it worries him somewhat, or maybe the fact that I haven’t explained it to him properly is what’s concerning him but he looks nervous.

“Asuka what… where are we going?”

“Shinji, do you remember any of the evacuation procedures at all?”

He shakes his head, “No… I, well I remember when there was an Angel attack they’d move people into the Tokyo-3 shelters.”

I nod, “Exactly but what about the shelters outside of Tokyo-3?”

“I... didn’t know there were any, I mean the Angels just attacked Tokyo-3 because of Lilith.”

“The Japanese Government didn’t know that though did they? I mean we didn’t even know that until Third Impact started.”

He pauses, “Well I… knew before.”

“What?”

I don’t remember gaining this bit of information during Instrumentality. I actually stop and look at him. Something the Third Child knew about NERV that I didn’t? Of course, his father ran the place. Special little Shinji gets advanced knowledge.

“I… saw it when I had to stop Kawor… it doesn’t matter. I didn’t know what it was and by that time the last Angel was gone so it made no difference.”

I don’t have time to ask him about it now but I’ll make sure to do so. Clearly something is missing from my knowledge of Shinji Ikari. I guess not everything is shared during Instrumentality, maybe only the parts we seek out. Like I said, we don’t exactly know the rules.

“Anyway, like I was saying the Japanese Government didn’t know that so they had other shelters built all the way to Tokyo-2. Including ones for themselves. All of them fully stocked with food, power, running water, equipment. We can get ourselves to one, and we might be able to contact the outside world.”

I decide to leave out the parts about false identities for the moment, deal with that when it comes to it. For now we need to get back to the apartment and learn how to drive one of the cars there.

“You think they’ll be fine?”

“I don’t see why not, I mean the town we’re in is fine and managed to escape the destruction of Tokyo-3 so I reckon the shelter will be fine as well. It’s a long way out though, so that’s why we need to be able to drive.”

“How far?”

I shrug my shoulders, “Fifteen, maybe twenty miles. Much too far to walk, I’m getting sick of this couple of mile walk we have to do every day to the beach as it is.”

“But we’re not old enough…”

Is he going to protest at every little violation of the law we may or may not commit in this wasteland?

“Then they can just add it to our ongoing list of violations along with breaking and entering, stealing and squatting in someone else’s home. Are you stupid, we have to do what it takes to survive! Just be thankful I haven’t thought about who we’ll eat first if supplies run low.”

He immediately stops and looks horrified, “That was a joke Shinji.”

A nervous laugh from him, and he starts walking again and he is still protesting about the learning to drive thing, “None of us know how to drive though, I mean we haven’t taken any lessons or anything…”

“How hard can it really be, I mean compared to a sixty foot robot anyway? We’ll be fine, we’ll find an automatic and just take it slow.”

\---

“Is this really alright?”

I already know her response and instantly I can feel her staring holes into me. I’m stupid and it’s about survival. She is of course right but I can’t help feeling guilty. We’ve already taken so much and now we’re taking a car as well. I’m not exactly sure why she had to pick this one either, couldn’t we have had something a little bit smaller and less expensive to start off with?

At least she made sure to pick an automatic car. That should make things slightly easier. Still I’m really nervous about this, I’ve never driven before. I’m thankful that there are no other cars or people on the road. I put the key into its slot and press the button on the dashboard to turn on the car’s engine.

“You know what to do now right?”

I shake my head and hear her sigh, “Look its simple. Put your foot on the brake, and put the gear into Drive, that’s the big one marked with the letter D for Dumkopf.”

Ignoring her taunt I put my foot down on the brake and anxiously bring the gear position to the Drive position. I slowly lift my left foot and the car moves forward with something of a groan. I immediately put my foot back down on the brake.

Panicking I turn towards her, “What did I do wrong?”

“Drop the handbrake.”

She’s pointing at one of the other sticks in the middle of us, I press the button on it and drop it down. Now releasing my foot off of the brake the car slowly rolls forwards without any groaning or sounds of struggling. The road in front of us is thankfully clear, so I place both of my hands on the wheel and slowly get used to the car being in motion.

“I told you it was easy.”

I can’t respond to her, I’m too busy concentrating on the driving. Making sure my left foot is covering the brake, making sure my right foot is lightly touching the accelerator. Flipping between watching my speed and looking out of the main window. I haven’t even checked my mirrors yet. Isn’t that supposed to be a thing? Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre that sort thing? How people do this with traffic and manual gears is beyond me, there is so much to take in.

Next to me I’m aware of Asuka smiling happily with her window down and her arm leaning on it. She decided that she would wait until her bandages are off. It’s been a couple of weeks now so I’m sure they can come off but she is reluctant to go through with it. She has let me change the one on her arm already but the one over her eye she won’t even talk about.

That’s the one I’m worried about. The other wounds to her have healed up enough. The scarring fading to be barely noticeable but her eye. What if that never recovered? What if she is blind in that eye now? She’d never forgive me for that.

“Eyes on the road Shinji!”

I quickly jerk my head up at the sound of her voice and notice I’m drifting to the side ever so slightly. I immediately correct myself.

“Sorry!”

“Yeah well, I’ve already died once and I don’t plan on doing it again so just be more careful!”

“Sorry…”

We drive around the empty streets for a time, allowing me to get used to the way the car handles and feels. It’s way too big for someone starting out but after about half an hour or so I feel myself starting to get the hang of it. It isn’t like I have much to do, there is no traffic to worry about. No pedestrians or traffic lights. All I need to focus on is speeding up when I need to, slowing down when I have to and keeping control on the turns. I doubt I’d pass a test like this but I should be able to get us to where we need to go.

We continue driving around a bit and I eventually take us out of the town. I’m watching my speed carefully keeping it at a maximum of thirty miles an hour. I can probably go faster but I want to get used to the car a bit more before pushing it. Eventually after an hour of driving and following Asuka’s directions she turns to me.

“I think we should probably head back to the apartment now Shinji.”

We exchange no words on the journey back but it isn’t an awkward silence. Strange as it may sound considering our situation I actually enjoyed today. Doing what I’ve done and hearing her words this morning has given me some hope. Maybe there are others who have returned but we just haven’t encountered them yet. Maybe my mother wasn’t lying to me when she said those things, after all three billion is a lot of people. They won’t all turn up at once or on that beach. I just hope the others might come back soon.

**…Never loved before, placed herself in reach…**

I’m scared to go to sleep tonight. Shinji of course went to sleep instantly, I guess my words today have helped him. That was the role I picked after all. To protect him and make sure he is alright. I’m doing a good job as well if I don’t say so myself.

That’s what is going to make the next few days difficult. I’ve made a decision. If we’re going to keep pushing forward together I need to finally have that discussion with him. I need us to lay out our feelings and fears for each other and be honest. I need neither of us to hold back and I’m scared of it. I need honesty from him but I don’t want to hurt him or push him away. That’s why tomorrow I’m going to be removing the bandage from my eye as well, I need to confront myself before I confront our issues.

For tonight though. I’ll wrap my arm around him and snuggle into his back. I’ll use him to comfort myself and build him up until the time I finally tear him down. God I hate myself for this.


	5. Chapter 5

**These moments made me then…**

Deep breaths Asuka, you can do this. You’re more than capable, it’s only a stupid bandage after all. What is there to be frightened of?

Yet as I look in this mirror and see Shinji sitting on the bed behind me I have everything to be frightened of. These scars on my body, the scars that lie beneath these bandages signify something. They signify my defeat and my death. They are eternal brands of my violation by those monsters and will remind me forever of how I wasn’t strong enough to beat them. The idea of him seeing them turns my stomach.

He thinks I’m so strong yet what are these scars but evidence to the contrary. A reminder to myself and the world of how much of a failure Asuka Langley Sohryu really is. It isn’t enough that I carry around mental scars that will haunt me forever but now I have these physical ones marring my body too.

I had intended this to be quick. I’d take off the bandages on my arm and then the ones over my eye and we’d be done. I’d reveal myself for him to see so I could show him that Asuka Langley Sohryu fears nothing. That despite the damage done to her she can rise against it.

Absolute bullshit. The only thing rising right now is my anger and the urge to punch the mirror. To watch that Asuka standing in front of me dissolved into tiny pieces of glass. I realize that I can’t do this in front of him.

“Shinji, please leave.”

He nods and wordlessly exits the room and I breathe a sigh of relief. I turn again towards the mirror. It’s funny, I used to be told how beautiful I was by all the boys in our school. When I walked past they all turned their head and noticed me. Perfect red-hair, German-Japanese and an Evangelion pilot how could I not draw their attention. I used to hate their attention. Pathetic little boys with their notes and their date requests. I barely even looked at myself in the mirror back in those days because I always hated what I saw. A little girl that had grown up to be vile, that lashed out at anyone and sought attention.

I don’t see that girl anymore in the mirror. I see someone who has been broken now. Someone who is torn between trying to maintain that confidence and spark in the hope that it saves another and also in trying to let go of the baggage that surrounds her. I can see both the mental and physical scars in that person in the mirror, erasing any traces of beauty she might have had.

I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu but who is she? Who is underneath these bandages? Who is underneath all of this? Is it really alright for me to be here?

Slowly I reach to the bandage over my left arm and begin to unravel it. I go slowly not daring to look at my arm as bit by bit the bandage comes away and falls to the floor. I bring my arm into my view holding it up in front of me. Staring directly at my hand I clench and unclench it a number of times seeing it for the first time. Slowly my eyes work their way downwards. Along the side of my arm I can see the faint red line from where it was sliced clean in half by one of their spears.

I look at myself in the mirror again and nod at the reflection with determination. I know what I have to do next. I have to see this through to the end. I have to see everything. I reach up to the patch on my eye.

Everything will be alright, it’s just a bandage. It’s like my arm, all will be healed.

I keep on telling myself that because I’m terrified. This eye has been in darkness for two weeks. I can feel it there when I blink, I can feel it move when I look around but I haven’t seen anything out of it for that time. I’m terrified that when I remove this bandage I still won’t see anything out of it.

Come on Asuka, let’s get this over and done with shall we.

The tape keeping the patch attached to my face stings slightly as I start to remove it. I instinctively close my eyes as I feel it coming away from my face. After what feels like a lifetime the patch is finally off and it too falls to the floor joining the heap of bandages.

Now or never…

I open my good eye and see myself in the mirror. I can see some small amounts of scarring around the eye. Those too are very faint. Here we go.

I begin to open my other eye and immediately feel a bit of pain as light hits it for the first time in two weeks. There is some blurriness at first but after a few moments it adjusts to the new sensations. I’m looking at myself in the mirror again, two working bright blue eyes are staring back at me and I can’t help but smile.

I need to know more though, I need to confront everything. I need to see the full Asuka Langley Sohryu before this is over. I slowly unbutton my jeans and slide them down onto the floor. Kicking them aside my hands go to my top and I slide that off. I’m stood now in just my bra and a pair of panties.

My hands reach around to my back and I unclasp the bra and let that fall freely to the ground before finally removing the panties. I’m looking at the entirety of myself in the mirror now. My red hair falls freely down to my shoulders, a few strands just meeting the top of my breasts. I can now see every scar on my body. I can see the scar running up my arm. I can see the tiny pin pricks on my stomach. I can see the faint line running from the middle of my breasts down to just above where my trimmed pubic hair is.

All of the scars are faded, some are more noticeable than others. I take another deep breath and step closer to the mirror and I place my previously bandaged hand out almost as if to touch the girl on the other side.

I ask myself the question again, who is Asuka Langley Sohryu? What is she? Is she the vile girl I think myself to be? Is she the strong girl Shinji loves? Is she an elite pilot or a terminal loser? Was she the catalyst for the end of the world? Is she a survivor? Is she in love? What and who is she?

Am I none of those things or all of the above?

It’s funny but the last time I did something like this was in a small shack on the outskirts of Tokyo-3. I stripped off, folded my clothes neatly and waited for death to take me. I was running away then. I’m not running now, instead I’m trying to find answers.

I step away from the mirror and look my naked body up and down again. I look at all the scars before looking at the person in there deep in the eyes. What am I to me? What am I to him?

My voice is an unconvincing whisper. Before I even finish speaking I already know I need more, “I am Asuka Langley Sohryu, no more and no less.”

**…and by them now I am defined again…**

I’m not sure how long Asuka has been in there for but I’m starting to get worried. I understand why she didn’t want me in there. All of those scars on her body, all of them are my fault and she hates me. She can’t stomach the idea of me being there while she takes those bandages off.

I’ve been trying to figure her out since we returned but I don’t understand her. I can never hope to understand her because I’m too much of a coward to just ask her outright what she is feeling. I’m too scared to reach out to her even though I know how much she is hurting. I know that her smiles and her confidence since we have returned are all a front. I know the anger that lays behind those eyes, I’ve seen her at night time glaring at me when she thought I was asleep. I’ve seen her hand twitch when I do something to irritate her.

I know the sadness within her. That in her heart she is mourning the death of her mother and having to confront that. I know her sadness at losing who she thought she was when she tasted defeat in battle after battle.

Yet I can’t do anything because I’m a coward. All I can do is watch on as she continues to put on this façade. I’m so scared of being hurt myself that I can’t even reach out and hold her. Then again do I deserve to? After what I did to her.

She doesn’t know this but I was nearly sick again this morning. It was shortly after I woke up. I saw going from the shower to our room. The towel had slipped slightly giving me a view of her breasts, allowing me to see all of it. I felt myself go stiff immediately in reaction to it and straight away it brought back the memory of what I did that day and I nearly felt my breakfast come back up. I haven’t told her about it, she wanted to know if I was ill again but I can’t tell her about that. It’s what I deserve after all.

Today I spent more time practicing how to drive. We drove to the beach and back and looked out for anyone else returning. Asuka suggested we come back tomorrow before we drive to the shelter and we leave something there just in case anyone does some back. A sign or a message informing them to travel to this town. That there are resources here for them and other survivors. We broke into a newsagents and grabbed a few supplies. Managed to cover it just enough to be seen but also protect it should it rain and tomorrow we’ll take it to the beach and leave it there for people.

There is another place I want to visit before we go to the shelter too. It’s not far from the beach but I left somewhere there I need to take back before we move on. If I truly believe they will come back then I need to get it.

I hear a rustling at the door to the bedroom. The door opens slowly and Asuka finally walks through. She is wearing a dressing-gown. I can see that the bandage on her arm has completely gone as has the one over her eye. She stands in the doorway and her eyes meet mine. I can see the light scarring around her eye. I feel the hairs on the back of my neck prick up as she fixes me with a cold stare.

She hates me, she has seen the scarring and she blames me for all of it. Wordlessly she closes the door and walks towards me. She stops right in front of me and I feel myself growing smaller and wishing this sofa would swallow me up. She still hasn’t said a word.

“A-A-Asuka…”

“I need you to do something Shinji…”

“Is everything alright?”

It’s a stupid question and I know it but she doesn’t call me out on it. Instead she slowly unties the cord of the gown and continues to speak.

“I need you to do something Shinji…”

She repeats herself, her hand still on the cord. She opens the robe and lets it fall to the ground. I immediately turn away realizing she is completely naked under the robe.

“A-A-Asuka!”

“Look at me Shinji.”

Her words are cold, almost mechanical.

“If you care about me at all, please look at me right now.”

I slowly turn my head and I can see Asuka’s nude form in front of me. I can see her red hair flowing down her body. I can see her breasts, her stomach, her legs, I can see every part of her. I can see parts I’ve only ever fantasized about. This isn’t a fantasy though, this is real. I can also see each and every scar on her body.

“A-A-Asuka…”

I can still barely get a word out, I’m too shocked. I’m too nervous to say anything but her name.

“I need you to look at me, I need you to look at every scar on my body. I need you to look at every inch of me and I need you to tell me… am I still Asuka Langley Sohryu?”

I don’t understand the question, of course she is. Who else could she be? I nod my head.

“Say it then!”

I nod my head and then hurry the words out, “You’re still Asuka Langley Sohryu…”

“Liar.”

“I-I’m not lying!”

“You’re just repeating what I said because you think that is what I want to hear. What do you see when you look at me Shinji? Am I still her or not? Please.”

I close my legs together trying to hide my reaction at seeing her nude form. I don’t understand what this is about. What does she mean by still being her? Of course she is still her.

“I… see you Asuka, you’re still her.”

She looks down and I realize she’s clenching her right hand in the same way I do something. Through gritted teeth she gives her response, “Then why are you still here?”

“I… don’t understand Asuka?”

“Why are you here you idiot! After everything I did to you, after all I put you through over the last few months. After I caused you to end the world, why are you still here! If you still see that same person then why the fuck haven’t you ran a mile from me!”

“Asuka I…”

“Look at me Shinji, look at what I am! Look at the state of my body, disfigured and covered in scars because of my foolish pride and arrogance. Listen to me, yelling and berating you because I don’t know any better. Look at what I’m doing, disgracing myself in front of you because I can’t figure out who the hell I am anymore. Why are you still here Shinji?”

I look up and I see she is actually crying. Asuka is crying in front of me and I realize the truth of what is happening. I realize the walls around her are crumbling down. She has been trying to stay strong these past two weeks for me and ignoring anything nagging at her. She deconstructed herself and put herself back together. She erected her wall in front of her again to protect me and now it’s come down. I haven’t noticed any of this, my wall had crumbled down from the moment I returned. I’ve been such an idiot.

Instrumentality was only a beginning, it was a wide open space where our issues, our fears and our thoughts were laid out in front of us in a wide open space. We could navigate and explore as we wished. Time stopped while we were there and when we thought we had an answer we could move onto the next. We could realize the answers to our problems and content with that move onto the other problem until we returned.

Returning undid that though, we had the answers but instead of being given a wide open space to confront them everything was compressed into one small box again. It was packaged tight and placed back within our hearts, minds and souls and it hurts. Oh god it hurts so much.

Without thinking I jump up off of the sofa and I pick up the gown from the floor. She looks down at me and notices my current state but I don’t care anymore. I pick up the gown and place it over her shoulders and direct her towards the sofa where she sits quietly. I still haven’t said anything but I’m thinking over her question in my head, why am I still here?

I’ve contemplated running away but it wasn’t because of her. It was because of me. I don’t deserve to be here or at least that’s what I thought. Except I chose to be here and I made a promise that I’d try and make things right. It still hurts so much, I don’t deserve to be close to her in any regard. She should be the one running a mile from me. Yet here we are. So why am I still here?

I love her is the simple answer and I don’t want her to leave my side. She’s helped me so much since returning. She made me feel better when I was ill, she made me smile in this hell and she kept me warm at night. After all I did to her she tried to look after me. I guess it’d be more appropriate to ask her why she is still here.

“I… Asuka… I… love you?”

“Huh?”

She turns to look at me, her eyes are red and her cheeks stained from crying. I repeat myself.

“I’m here… because I love you Asuka. I won’t run away from you.”

She fixes her stare on me and her mouth opens slightly as if to reply. I half expect her to revert to the Asuka of old. To slap me and call me an idiot and run away. I expect her to ask me how I can be so stupid. Instead of replying she pulls her feet onto the sofa and buries her head into my shoulder. Nervously I place an arm around her as she sobs quietly.

**…you always knew…**

I’m transfixed by the sight of my own grave. It’s nothing special, maybe more than I deserve, just a piece of wood sticking out of the ground. Of course it isn’t my literal grave. It is a marker put there by someone who thought I died. I suppose it makes sense that he’d have put this here when he returned, after all I did die.

Still I’m a little bit angry. Did he not have faith that I’d come back? My anger is of course unjustified. Of course he had no faith when he come back. He was too busy just trying to survive. He was too busy throwing up at the thought of all the hell that had just occurred. He was too busy being terrified of the giant fucking head sinking into the ocean. Yet amidst all that he still kept us all in his memory. There are two markers at the front. These were for the two people he loved the most. Misato and myself. I went cold when he explained that.

Behind that are ones for our friends. Hikari, Touji and Kensuke. He even took the time to have ones for the three Bridge Bunnies. One the back row are ones for Dr Akagi, Professor Fuyutsuki and of course his father. I can’t think of those three individuals in a good way anymore, I would never have taken the time to dedicate anything to them. All of them knew the truth about Eva, about us, about SEELE and they all let it go. They all conspired to let it happen. Watched as myself and Shinji got torn apart physically and emotionally until we had nothing left. We’re the ones left to bear the burden of Third Impact whilst they enjoy their illusions. We’re the ones feeling the guilt and seeing blood on our hands.

It isn’t fair. I’m suffering because of them. I’m constantly blaming myself for what happened. I’m torturing myself over it. Shinji is blaming himself. Shinji is the one who spent the first forty-eight hours of his life back in this world throwing up from the mental torture. Yet I feel sorry for the three of them because they’ll never experience true happiness again. Me and Shinji have a chance, they squandered theirs.

There is always the chance they’ll return and what then? Do we forgive them? Confront them? Or will they suffer like we are? I guess it doesn’t matter right now.

I step away from the marker for my grave and with one swift motion kick it to the ground. I see Shinji turn to me, he is kneeling in front of the marker for Misato.

“Are you okay?”

“I am now.”

I’ve barely spoken to Shinji since last night. After he wrapped me in that gown and I lay sobbing in his lap I eventually fell asleep. I woke up in the bed with Shinji actually holding onto me for a change. I could barely look him in the eye or say anything to him over breakfast. It's been that way in the last hour or so. I want to say I'm not ashamed of what I did, but I am a little bit embarrassed. I didn't expect things to play out the way they did but since when has one of my plans ever gone the way I wanted it to?

So why did I do what I did? I looked in that mirror and I saw a horrible person I guess. Someone who still hated herself for all she had put herself and others through. I felt sick when I thought of what I had done to Shinji and others, even though since I came back I've tried to protect him and to better myself it hasn't been enough. I guess I had to go to an extreme, show him exactly where I was physically and mentally, bare everything for him and see what he really thinks.

So I let myself break down in front of him. For the first time ever I actually broke down crying in front of someone. No hiding, no forcing the tears back, I actually let it happen. Like I said, when I planned it all the night before that wasn't supposed to happen.

It was supposed to be a discussion. In my mind the night before I had it planned. I’d confront him over what he did. I’d yell at him and belittle him about it. Tell him how I want to see him do it again. Just as I did during Third Impact. Yet when I saw myself without those bandages I realized I didn’t want to yell or belittle him. If I did that we’d just end up where we began so instead. So instead I wanted to show him the real me, the scared me, the upset and hurt me. The one who hates herself and regrets all the hurt and pain she has shown him.

I don’t regret any of it. So why am I unable to speak to him now or look him in the eye?

It’s because he told me he loves me. After all I put him through the fool loves me. I have no right to be loved by Shinji Ikari yet I’m so thankful for it because I love him back. I bet he thinks the same thing. Well here is the thing, people deserve to be loved. Even the poor bastards on the back row or this gravesite.

I watch curiously as Shinji takes something off of Misato’s grave marker. I realize that it’s her necklace. He takes it and puts it around his neck. He speaks, there is a trembling in his voice but also a firmness.

“Misato gave me this… when we were down in NERV before Third Impact. She gave me the necklace and shoved me into the elevator to Unit 01 and then she died. She had been shot moments before. It was my fault of course, I made no effort to do anything. She had to drag me.”

I listen to him offering no words of comfort, this would have been around the time I was fighting the JSSDF on the surface. I remember her voice over the radio, telling me how Shinji would be joining me in Unit 01 shortly.

“She kept on telling me I had to find my own reason to live. That the choices I made were worthwhile and I had to accept them. All I could do was tell her about how I always hurt people, that I can’t pilot because I can’t do anything, that all I was nothing more than a coward, that I was dishonest. I nearly told her about what I did to you.”

For the first time since last night I look in his eyes, “Why didn’t you?”

“I guess because I didn’t want to disappoint her more than she already was. Maybe because I thought if she knew what I did she’d kill me herself and deep down I didn’t really want to die.”

“And yet when you got to your Eva you did nothing.”

“I know… and I have nothing to say about that. I have nothing to say about what I did to you either Asuka. I keep on wanting to apologize but that isn’t enough is it? I let you down.”

I nod my head. The image of my dream from the other night flashes through my mind. The memory of what I did in the locker room accompanies it. “Yeah… you did.”

“I’m sorry Asuka.”

I walk over to him and place a hand on his shoulder to comfort him as he cries. I guess I did get my discussion about it after all. A small victory for Asuka, it tastes shallow. I don’t want an apology from him, not since the dream and the memories of what I’ve done came back to me. Yet I know he needs to do this, it might only be a temporary thing to make him feel better but I swore to protect him so I say the words he wants to hear.

“I forgive you Shinji.”


	6. Chapter 6

What are dreams?

Shinji asked that question during Instrumentality. I don’t remember the exact conversation but I remember being there for it. Shinji was living in a dream at that point, attempting to find a realm in which he could find happiness. Somewhere away from reality where he was alone and happy. Yet it was told to him that this was just a fabrication. There was no true happiness to be found there. What he was experiencing was not a dream it was pure fantasy, a way to escape his reality.

It becomes cyclical from that point, a dream is a continuation of our reality and our reality lies at the end of our dreams. Yet it doesn’t explain what a dream is does it? A dream is a continuation of our reality and that is true in some cases. In terms of the dreams I have had recently of my mother or of Shinji in the hospital bed those were warped continuations of reality. My true reality was there when I woke up.

Yet last night I dreamt I was eating the most delicious chocolate cheesecake. Is that a continuation of my reality? If it is it’s certainly disappointing that my reality doesn’t have chocolate cheesecake within it.

So what the hell are dreams? Are they an expression of our desires? Warped distortions of reality? Messages or something else? My head hurts from even thinking about it. All I know right now is that I’m hungry and I want chocolate cheesecake.

“Asuka, we’re here.”

I feel the car stop and nod at Shinji, clearing my cyclical internal discussion from my mind. I have to discuss things with myself on these car journeys because Shinji isn’t used to driving and talking at the same time yet. So our journey happened in relative silence, no radio stations to tune into in the car and we don’t have any CDs to throw on either. Maybe we should break into the supermarket I saw on the way here. Grab a few CDs and DVDs. It’s only us now, may as well be entertained.

On the outside the shelter doesn’t look like much, just a building with a sign out front. It’s the usual military stuff, trespassers will be shot and turn away now. Shinji parks the car up and we both walk towards the entrance. Inside is a simple desk with an elevator behind it.

“That’s odd…”

I turn towards Shinji, “What is?”

“The lights are on in here… do you think anyone is here?”

I shake my head, “I doubt it. Probably have their own generators that are powered by… well something.”

I walk towards the elevator entrance. It’s clear immediately that this isn’t a normal civilian shelter. This was made for the elite, for leaders and generals and people with money. Aside from the dust that has gathered the lobby area is pristine, almost like a hotel. I quickly look behind the desk and there is a sign-in book prepared for evacuees. There is a small cupboard with a number of visitor packs in there. I nab two for me and Shinji.

“Enjoy your stay at the five star NERV Shelter, live out the apocalypse in the lap of luxury. Now comes with view of giant head.”

I actually hear him laugh at my joke. It’s a little bit creepy though, they were going to pile into this place and live out the end of days in relative luxury while the rest of humanity was supposed to what? Barely survive on the surface? Live like animals herded into badly managed civilian shelters?

I open my ‘visitor pack’ and there is a small card in it. I suppose this is a form of access card. There is no name on it, just a number. Funnily enough I picked #002, imagine that.

“Hey Shinji, what card did you get?”

He reaches into his pack and pulls out his card, “One.”

“There’s a shock. Let’s go.”

I swipe my card through the access slot on the elevator and it opens with a pleasant ding. It really is like a five star hotel. The floor of the elevator is a lovely marble finish, there are gold railings attached to the walls, mirrors around it and a fine wood finish to round it off. There are four options on the control panel. G, which I presume means ground and what we’re on. Then B1 through to B3. I tap B1 and watch as the doors close.

**I’m creeping back to life…**

My heart is beating faster in my chest as we approach the chosen floor and the door opens slowly. I’m focusing all my effort on stopping my legs from trembling. I don’t want Asuka to see that I’m scared. I don’t want her to know I’m scared because then she’ll ask why and I’ll have to tell her the reason why. Ever since we entered this place I’ve felt something here. I know there is no one here. Me and Asuka are the only two who have returned so far. Yet I can’t help but feel like someone or something is watching us.

Asuka would only laugh at me if I told her that. She’d laugh and call me an idiot and make fun of me for the rest of the day. Or maybe I’m scared that she wouldn’t make fun of me and instead she would take it seriously and we’d investigate it and something would be there. Someone once asked me before I went to Tokyo-3 if I believed in ghosts and I told them no. If I’m being honest I didn’t really believe in anything.

On my first day in Tokyo-3 I saw something appear to me. A young girl stood in the middle of the street. I had no idea who she was but when I turned to look again she was gone. I later met a girl who looked identical to her. Rei Ayanami. Except the person who appeared to me couldn’t have been Rei because at that time Rei was deep underground in the hospital. So what appeared to me on that day? Was it a projection from the Rei Ayanami lying unconscious in hospital? Was it a ghost of Rei’s previous body? Or was it something else? I never did get an answer.

The day before Asuka returned I saw the apparition again. Stood floating over the water. I put that one down to a hallucination. I had just been sick, I was tired and delirious so it was easy to think I’d hallucinate something like that. I wonder now though what was it I saw on that day? Projection? Ghost of Rei? Lilith? Once again I don’t think I’ll get an answer.

So do I believe in ghosts now? They wouldn’t be the strangest thing I’ve seen since arriving in Tokyo-3 and becoming an Evangelion pilot. I just wonder if maybe the ghosts of people who died during Third Impact are watching us now. Maybe for some reason they can’t come back and they’re angry at me and Asuka for what we’re doing.

“You’re scared aren’t you?”

Her voice makes me jump and snaps me away from my thoughts. All I can do is nod, she holds out her hand for me to take hold of.

“Don’t be. We’re the only ones here. Besides I’ll protect you!”

Her words, her smile, her confidence, it always manages to make me feel better somehow. I take her hand and we walk down the corridor of the shelter. It’s really warm here.

Asuka made a joke before we were above ground about this place but it’s starting to sink in that her joke is closer to the truth. This place is exactly how I’d imagine a five star hotel to be. Aside from a bit of dust from weeks of no one being in here it’s pristine. The corridor stretches on for a long way breaking off into other separate corridors. Each one having a number beside it which I presume relates to the key we have. Along the way are little storage cupboards containing cleaning materials, vacuums, that sort of thing.

We continue to move through the maze of corridors. About midway through there is a large set of double door with no number attached. Asuka pushes them open and we find ourselves standing in what appears to be a bar. There are a large number of tables set out in the centre with seats around them. At the back of the room is a stage, off to one of the sides is a bar. Behind it we can see the cabinets stocked with various drinks.

“I guess when Misato comes back, she’ll have somewhere to come.”

I smirk at Asuka’s comment. We make our way over to the bar, next to it is a small door that leads into a proper restaurant style kitchen. I have no idea if the fridges or cupboards in here are stocked but there appears to be a complete set of equipment and the power appears to be on. If we had the ingredients I could cook us something in here.

“Asuka…”

I turn around and see she is stood by the doorway looking out amongst all of the empty seats towards the stage. There is a scowl across her face.

“Is everything alright?”

“They… were just going to come here and live like this. In this luxury whilst the rest of the world suffered weren’t they?”

I nod and recall the time I spent in the civilian shelter in Tokyo-3. It was the second time I had quit NERV. Shortly after I was due to go back to where I used to live an Angel attacked and I had to go to the civilian shelter there. I remember them being cramped, dark and very hot. I remember hearing the children crying because they didn’t know what was going on. I remember hearing the anger of the adults and the tremors from the fighting. I remember feeling so guilty throughout all of it because I was sat there feeling sorry for myself while I could have been out there fighting and doing something.

“This isn’t right is it?”

Asuka shakes her head, “No… it isn’t. Come on let’s continue looking around.”

We continue exploring the floor finding a conference room in one section. Beyond that it is mostly the same all the way around. I realize that the fear I felt when we entered the room has gone. I'm no longer fearing any 'ghosts', instead I'm feeling... I suppose anger would be the best way to describe it.

I'm actually angry that this place exists in the form it does. I can't help but think what if there were people here now. Would the world be scavenging on the surface like we are? While the leaders and people in power, people like my father lived comfortably in here. Would they continue to lead from here or leave the others to it?

Eventually we come to a stop close to the elevator we came down on. We're standing at the door of one of the rooms. Room two. There is a card reader next to the door and Asuka is looking at it whilst clutching her 'welcome pack' in her hand. I realize that we're actually still holding hands. Aside from the few moments when we explore the kitchen we've been holding hands the entire time. It's strange, her hand is warm and feeling her fingers intertwined with mine feels so natural.

Asuka swipes her card and the door to the room opens. The room as with the rest of this facility is luxurious. I can actually feel the heat increase as I enter the room. This is more like a luxury apartment than it is a hotel room. I expect they were planning to have families stay here so they had to build the rooms accordingly. The first room we enter is a typical passageway but that quickly opens up to a spacious living room. It's already been furnished with a three seat sofa, armchair and a coffee table. On one of the walls is a flat-screen television hooked up to what looks like a games console and a DVD player.

At the other side of the room it extends into a small kitchen. It has a fridge, freezer, oven, everything people would need I guess. As with the rest of what we have seen an effort has been made to make this place look as high-end as possible. Marble-finishes on the worktops and tiling, expensive looking artwork hung up on the walls, high-end furniture. People would pay a fortune for a place like this in the old world.

This particular apartment has two bedrooms. There is also a bathroom complete with a full bath and shower. We finish exploring the room and I'm a little bit unsure of what to say. All I know is that I know this doesn't feel right. This being here is wrong. My mind flashes back to the time I spent in that other shelter. It shows me all of their faces. All of the faces of people who are gone now because of me.

I can't get that thought out of my mind. For the past few weeks we've been living in a world with no people. All of them gone, all of them out there. I suddenly get the feeling that I'm being watched again. I'm sure I can see someone out of the corner of my eye. Not just someone, a group of people. A family. A mother, a father, a child. All of them standing and looking directly at me. They could have been living in the town we're staying in, they could have been living in Tokyo-3 and now they're gone.

Why am I thinking about this now? I can't think like that, Asuka said... she said people will return. She keeps on saying that when people return. Not if, she keeps on being there for me.

The heat in the room suddenly feels unbearable. I look at Asuka and she doesn't seem to be showing any signs of feeling hot at all. She's looking at me oddly as I feel a churning in the pit of my stomach. I suddenly realize I'm having trouble breathing, my vision is hazy and I can hear a voice. I stumble forward

"Shinji?"

**Look at him now, he’s paler somehow…**

I feel Shinjis hand tighten around mine and I immediately wrap an arm around his front to catch him as he falls forward. I feel him twitch and immediately rush him into the bathroom. I gently rub his back but can't help but turn away somewhat grossed out by his throwing up.

I wait for him to stop before helping him clean up and aiding him into one of the bedrooms. I settle him down and press the back of my hand against his forehead. He's boiling hot. I wonder if maybe he has caught something.

I hear him mutter, "I'm sorry..."

I can see a tear trickling down his face as I brush it away softly.

"You should have told me you weren't feeling well Shinji, I wouldn't have brought you here if I knew that."

"Was... feeling fine before we entered here... then it came on suddenly... I was thinking."

I can't help but laugh, I should have known. I quickly excuse myself from the room and dig through the kitchen for water for him before returning to the room. Shinji has sat himself up. I already know what has happened. I thought he seemed off when he entered here but the trip to the graveyard, mixed in with coming here has affected him again. It's like what happened before I turned up, well fortunately for him I'm here now.

"Feeling better?"

He shakes his head, "A little bit... I guess, I'm... sorry... You're probably pretty disgusted with me..."

"Don't be stupid, I'm not disgusted with you."

I sit next to him, the bed is ridiculously comfortable, and reach for his hand. I want to ask him what he was thinking of but I don't want to make him feel any worse than he already does. I feel a little bit guilty. We shouldn’t have come here yet, we should have waited a bit longer until we were both a bit more prepared for it. After my breakdown the night before and Shinjis visit to the memorials he had set up earlier it’s no wonder this has happened to him. Once again my eagerness, my need to do something has hurt him. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world. This time anyway.

So instead of asking about what he thought I ask something stupid.

"So... what do you make of it?"

"Of what?"

"This place of course, the five-star shelter for the rich and famous. Do you reckon we should move in? Think about it, we'd have everything we need here. Kitchens, food, running water, and it'd all be free! What do you think, the people who saved the world deserve a bit of luxury right?"

He smiles and wipes another tear from his face, "I... can't believe this was here. I was expecting something similar to the other shelters but... not this."

There is a disdain in his voice which actually pleases me. I'm not entirely happy that a place like this exists either. I can of course understand it. I saw the way the others in NERV were when an Angel attacked. How they would give orders from safety while we fought on the front lines. I didn't have a problem with the fighting. After all that was my purpose, that was how I proved my existence but having them critique me while they sat in safety behind desks away from it all always rattled me.

This was likely going to be the same. The leaders would come here, the rich, the generals and the powerful would live here. Access to all amenities while the rest of the world had to make do with the ruined world up above. Jokes on them I guess, we're all equally fucked now aren't we. The only ones who have access to this place are two teenagers.

Actually thinking about it gives me an idea. I know of maybe one or two more of these shelters. I don't know if they're exactly the same as this one but I'd presume so. There must be about a thousand rooms per shelter. When people come back we can bring them here. I’ve flicked through the leaflet in the welcome pack. This place was made to be self-sustaining, it has running water, electricity, everything we would need.

I guess we just have to wait until people eventually come back. For now I think we’ve explored enough of this place. Shinji is my priority, I don’t want to put him through anymore today.

**But he’s coming around…**

Asuka adjusts the seat slightly and switches on the car’s engine. She insisted on driving us back to town. I did tell her I was feeling better but I guess the paleness and trembling of my legs betrayed me. I am feeling better though, I suppose just being in that confined space, the heat I was feeling along with the guilt just got to me and knocked me sick. I know I shouldn’t be but I’m also really embarrassed as Asuka seeing me be sick as well.

The window on my side of the car goes down slightly and I look across to catch a small smile from Asuka.

“You sure you’re feeling alright?”

I nod, “Yeah I’m fine… sorry for what happened…”

She sighs and the car rolls away. As we get further away from the place I notice I’m feeling a lot better. I guess being in that environment was affecting me more than I thought. After a short time driving she turns to me and speaks.

“You mind if we stop somewhere? Or are you still feeling a bit off?”

I’m wondering where she would want to stop. I don’t really mind. I’m feeling a lot better now. If anything I could probably manage some food too although I expect Asuka is going to have me on a diet of crackers until she is sure I’m completely right again.

“I’m alright, feeling a lot better now.”

“Good.”

After another five or so minutes Asuka starts to slow the car down and pulls into a parking lot of a supermarket. Was this where she wanted to make a stop, we don’t need any supplies we already have a grocery store underneath us with a good amount of items.

“What are we doing here?”

“You’ll see.”

Asuka walks over and grabs a trolley nearby and approaches the door. As expected it doesn’t open on our approach.

“Shinji, stand back.”

“Huh, why?”

Without any warning she shoves the trolley forward with force towards the door shattering the glass from the frame completely.

“Asuka!”

She turns to me and shrugs apologetically, “Oops?”

I know it’s a necessity, I know why we have to do it but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to having to break into these places. It just doesn’t feel right, I know Asuka is right when she says we have to do it but I can tell that there is a part of her that doesn’t feel right about it either.

We enter the supermarket and a strange smell fills my nostrils. I suppose with no power and it having been like this for a few weeks the food in the freezers and the fresh food has started to gone off somewhat. It isn’t a pleasing smell and I’m hoping we won’t be in here for too long.

Asuka bypasses all of the food sections, even the tinned goods and heads straight to the entertainment section. She stops and starts looking at the boxes of Blu Ray Players before picking one up and depositing it in the trolley. Almost immediately my guilt kicks in.

“Asuka what are yo-“

“I know, I know! We’re going ever so slightly against what we agreed on but we have enough power now, we have enough resources and places to get them and I think we’ve been through enough and deserve a little bit of entertainment. Wouldn’t you agree? Come on, I’ll even let you pick the first movie.”

As always she makes a persuasive argument. I sigh and follow her into the aisle containing the movies and CDs. Almost immediately she goes over to the CDs leaving me to pick a selection of movies. I look across and wonder what Asuka would like to watch.

“Hey Asuka.”

She deposits the CDs she’s grabbed into the trolley and looks over, “Yeah…”

“What… what should I get?”

“I thought I said I’d leave it up to you!”

“Yeah but… I don’t know what you like.”

“Well what options are there?”

I look at the films on offer and list the names to Asuka.

“Well we can probably skip any of the giant monster or disaster movies for now, I think we’ve had enough of that for a lifetime.”

“There’s a documentary about penguins?”

She shrugs, “That sounds cute, let’s go for that. I’ll grab a few things too.”

I pick up the box and place it in the trolley along with the numerous other items Asuka has placed in there. Most of the CDs are bands I don’t recognize the name of. There are a few I do know from the time I accidentally put Asuka’s music player in my bag for school. I wonder if maybe I should get a few CDs myself. I could maybe get a new music player too while I’m here.

“Hey Asuka do you…”

“Mm?

“…do you think they have music players in here? I need to replace my SDAT.”

She looks at me and laughs, “Finally upgrading to something modern eh?”

I nod, “Yeah… my SDAT kinda had… Third Impact happen to it.”

I try not to let her know but the idea of my SDAT being gone is a little bit sad to me. It was one of the only things I had left of my mother. It used to be hers, the tracks on it were what she had put on. It was one of the only things I had that had any connection to her. My father had gotten rid of everything else.

“Wait there a moment.”

Asuka disappears into another aisle and returns a few moments later, she’s carrying a box and puts it in the trolley without letting me look at it.

“Sorted, let’s head back.”

“But-“

“Don’t worry about it, sorted it for you but you have to wait until we get back to see it.”

**Now we can hear ourselves again**

I pull the blanket up around us as we sit on the couch and let my head rest gently on Shinji’s shoulder as we watch the penguins hop about on the television. The narrator’s voice informing us of what this group must do in order to survive and the perilous travels up ahead.

Since we returned it’s been nice. Shinji has been fine, I made sure of that of course. It’s the least I can do for dragging him out there. Now we’re sat happily watching television. It’s warm, we’re snuggling up and the curtains drawn. There is only the light from the television providing us with any light. From this environment it’s easy to forget that we’re the only two people in the world right now.

I wonder if penguins have returned.


	7. Chapter 7

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about failure and about saying the right things. Since we returned I’ve been careful to say the right things to Shinji. Instead of saying ‘if people come back’ I’ve been saying ‘when people come back’. It’s not that I don’t believe those words it’s just I need us to remain positive, I need Shinji to remain positive because I don’t want to fail him again. Not like I did during Third Impact when he reached out to me. I failed him in the worst way because he needed me at that moment and I gave him nothing.

The truth is I needed him at that moment as well. I needed him to reach out to me but I was angry. Angry that he hadn’t done anything in that battle against the Eva series. I was angry that he had sat there and not even tried so when he did what I wanted him to I rejected him. I made him want to end the world. I said the wrong thing, I made the wrong choice and it resulted in the world nearly ending. When did my life become a series of crushing failures and defeats?

I’m not going to let it happen this time. So when I say ‘when people come back’ I mean it, I believe it. When I say I’m going to look after and protect Shinji, I mean it and I believe it. Yet as we enter the second week of February, six weeks after we returned I wonder if my words are having the same effect on Shinji that they used to.

He keeps on asking what we’ll do if no one does return. He keeps on looking out sadly to that sea of LCL and sighing. All I can do is tell him they’ll return when they’re ready, we still don’t know about the rest of the world. We haven’t tried to contact anyone outside of this area yet. The whole world could be out there right now thriving and we’d know nothing about it. We’ve stuck close to this area, living off of our scavenged goods and watching movies.

Yet I can see him growing sadder and I don’t know if I can keep on lifting his spirits. I’ve even contemplated doing things with him. In the evenings when I see his eyes drop I think about reaching over to him. I think about looking deep into his eyes and kissing him. I think about sliding my hand up his shirt and then down into his trousers. I think about making him feel really good before he returns the favour. I spend a lot of time in the bath with those thoughts praying that Shinji can’t hear my moans.

I’m sure he has been doing the same. I’ve noticed things when we hold each other. When we snuggle into each other. I’ve noticed the time he spends in the shower. Or maybe I’m just inventing more fantasies.

I look across at him as I park the car up. We’re back from another trip to the shelter just out of town. We’ve made a couple of visits there since our first. Exploring it and its various amenities. We discovered the shelter has facilities to grow and cultivate food. I’m not sure how it works but when people return we can use that for replenishing supplies. We found a few conference rooms in there which we presume are for the various leaders to hold meetings about important matters not concerning the little people.

There appears to be some communications equipment in there for contacting the outside world along with the other shelters. We haven’t touched it yet. I haven’t wanted to just yet, I think we should wait a little bit longer for people to come back. I still haven’t told Shinji about my idea to invent new names for ourselves. I don’t want to scare him with the knowledge that people out there might not find out existence too favourable.

We exit the car and head towards the apartment. Almost immediately my eyes are drawn to the door of the shop below. It’s open slightly. I pause and place my arm out to halt Shinji too.

“Shinji look!”

He looks ahead and finally notices the door, “The door… it’s… open! Do you think…?”

I nod slowly, “Someone’s returned.”

He rushes forward and I pull him back, “Wait you idiot we can’t just rush in there!”

He turns around and looks at me, “What do you mean?”

Sometimes I forget how much of an idiot he can be. “That could be anyone in there Shinji, it might be someone we know but… what if it’s one of those JSSDF goons who was sent to NERV to kill us? We… should be careful. Follow me.”

I reach into the bag I’m carrying and take out the crowbar I carry around with me. I take a deep breath and hope that whoever is in there is someone we know. My crowbar is perfect for breaking us into places and getting us things but I don’t… I can’t use it against someone. I already had to fight humans once and I don’t feel good about it. I was in an Eva then though, this would be in person. Oh god please let it be someone we know.

With Shinji behind me I edge forward towards the store. We must look so stupid right now. My hand tightens around the weapon as we get closer and closer. We’re at the door now and I can see a figure stood inside. An older man, tall with grey hair. I open the door just in time for him to turn around and I immediately drop the crowbar in shock at who it is.

Of all the people to return first, I would not have expected him. I hear a gasp from Shinji next to me and immediately turn to him.

“Shinji go to our apartment.”

He starts to protest, “But Asuka I-“

“Just do it.”

I snap back at him, maybe a little bit too forceful but I’m in no mood to argue. I’m not having this man come within any distance of Shinji. Not after all he is responsible for. I turn around.

“Please, just do it. I’ll make it up to you later.”

I’m not quite sure how I’ll make it up to him, I don’t even know why I said that but I just wanted Shinji away for the moment while I dealt with our guest. Shinji leaves and I hear him enter the door to the staircase leading to our apartment. When I’m sure he is gone I turn towards the guest.

“Sub Commander Fuyutsuki.”

He stares at me looking me up and down. There is something in his eyes, I’m not sure if it’s fear or something else but finally he speaks. “Pilot Sohryu”

“Asuka.”

“Huh?”

“My name is Asuka, I’m not ‘Pilot Sohryu’ anymore. I haven’t been for at least a month and a half now. I’m just Asuka now.”

“I see, well I guess you can call me Kozo”

There are a great many things I’d like to call this man, most of them unpleasant but for the sake of civility I go along with him. I’m stunned to see this man here. I thought he along with Gendo and Ritsuko would have never returned. They were too weak-willed, they were happy to work towards Third Impact. I wonder why he has returned, maybe his paradise wasn’t what it seemed.

“I didn’t expect you of all people to return.”

I'm not sure if he is taken aback by my words, maybe even a little bit offended by them but honestly I don't care. He was Gendo Ikari's right hand man. He knew what Gendo was planning, he knew the truth about the Eva's, about Second Impact, about Third Impact, about everything. While we were out there risking our lives he stood there knowing exactly what our battles were leading to.

Finally after some time he speaks,

"Paradise... the world I had dreamed for... was not the reality I desired. No matter what I did there I knew it was false. I knew it was empty so I made the decision to return. I wondered at first if maybe I was the only one but... then I saw your message on the beach."

"Well welcome to the apocalypse, population three right now. Unless of course you don't plan on staying."

He ignores my sarcasm which annoys me somewhat, I'm dying for a reaction from him. It's been a long time since I've had the opportunity to yell at someone. I can already feel that part of me clawing to get to the surface.

"How long have you both been here for?"

"Six weeks, give or take..."

"And you've been surviving on your own? How?"

He sounds surprised, there is even a hint of concern in his voice. I answer his question at plainly as I can.

"Scavenging mostly, living off of instant food and whatever we were able to rescue. We managed to find a freezer that was still working in a store and had a lot of frozen meat and other goods in. We also found the shelter some miles out of town that was well stocked."

"What about medical supplies?"

"We have them. The shelter has an infirmary too in case we need it."

"I see."

He looks at me and an awkward silence develops between us. Being honest this is probably the most interaction I've had with the Sub-Commander, outside of a few interactions and being berated by him for my 'attitude' I've had no reason to speak to him. I guess I wasn't like Rei or Shinji, I had no personal connections to anyone at NERV. I was the good soldier who was supposed to follow orders. No one needed to interact with me outside of giving commands, no one there truly needed me. Except for Shinji. Well that's fine by me, I didn't need any of them either.

"You mentioned this shelter..."

I nod, "A few miles out of town, me and Shinji had to teach ourselves how to drive to reach it. About a thousand luxury apartments or so. Stocked bars, amusements, comfortable. Typical sort of place for your lot."

I've struck a nerve as he immediately fires back, "What do you mean my lot?"

I was waiting for this. Time to raise my voice a little bit, time to let out that anger. In a way it’s perfect that it's this man who is here. After all he was the last one to give me orders. Ones that conveniently missed out a few details too.

"You know exactly what I mean. Your sort of people, the ones who sit behind desks and dish out orders to people like me and Shinji. Ones who talk and talk but are too cowardly to do anything. Ones who leave people like me in the dark. While people like me die."

He looks away as I continue, "Tell me, when exactly where you planning on telling me about the capabilities of the Eva Series? Or were you just focusing on what Gendo was doing in Terminal Dogma? Hoping his plans would go as expected so everything would be alright for you?"

"Asuka I- the command centre was in chaos at that moment, we had JSSDF troops-"

"Don't fucking lie to me, the JSSDF had pulled out by that point. I saw to that when I destroyed half of their battalion. So when were you planning on telling me? Or was I just expendable to you all. I mean after all I wasn’t Rei, I wasn’t created to achieve your plan and I certainly wasn’t Shinji. So to hell if I died, I’d have bought you enough time to do what you needed and that was it.”

“You were...”

He pauses searching for the right words as I stare straight ahead at him. I’m ready to hear it. Hear that I was expendable, that I wasn’t needed after all. Ready to hear that despite all my training and dedication to Eva I was ultimately just a spare part. It could have been anyone. Asuka Langley Sohryu wasn’t that important after all.

“…It’s true, Gendo saw you as expendable. You were an asset to NERV but when you started to lose your ability he had no problem seeing to it that you were replaced. I agreed to the replacement. I did not like the way it happened, I thought more could have been done to help you but by that time the power I had was name only.”

“So you didn’t even try?”

He shakes his head, “No, I didn’t even try. The path we were on… I believed mistakenly it was for the best. I believed that everything would work out in the end, that it’d bring an end to the pain we were all suffering. Yet I was wrong… there was nothing there except for emptiness.”

“Stings doesn’t it?”

I know what he means but I feel no sympathy for him. I can’t feel sympathy for him because unlike me and Shinji he knew what was going to happen. He was part of the group that forced us towards that path. I still wonder to this day if it could have been averted somehow. If Shinji hadn’t been so broken, if I hadn’t have ran out of power, if Misato had learned the truth sooner, if Kaji hadn’t have died. Could it have been averted? Not like it matters now, you can’t redo.

I have to wonder though in Fuyutsukis case. Why did he do what he did? I know why Gendo did what he did. I know why Ritsuko Akagi was on this path too but why Fuyutsuki? What did he stand to gain from it?

“It is… not pleasant.”

A part of me wants to laugh at him but instead I lay out more details of our return. I really let him know what has happened here.

“You know when I returned Shinji had already been back for two days.”

“He was the only one?”

I nod, “Yeah for two days he was alone on that beach. Surviving off of scavenged food and water and sleeping under a thin blanket. He couldn’t keep any food down until I returned, you know why that was?”

Fuyutsuki shakes his head so I continue, “It’s because of the guilt he felt at all of this. He thinks everything bad that happened from his arrival in Tokyo-3 to this was his fault. Every single death, every injury, every person that hasn’t returned he blames himself for that. What triggered it though was my death. The image of my Eva’s corpse impaled by those lances. My screams as I died. He himself took all the blame for that, and it made him sick.”

There is concern on Fuyutsuki’s face, “Is he alright now?”

“Of course he is because I’m looking after him. When I returned I looked after him, I made sure he was able to eat again. I made sure he wasn’t sick and actually did the one thing none of you lot bothered to do, I cared for him.”

“It sounds like you’ve grown a lot in the time you’ve been here.”

I wonder if that’s true. Have I really grown that much in the time I’ve been here? Look at what I’m doing right now. I’m taking all of my anger and directing it at an old man. I’m trying to pass all of the blame for this on him when I know for a fact I had just as much to do with it as the others. I go back to that question, could it have been averted. What if when Shinji sought me out during that process I had bothered to do something other than berate him? What if I had actually spoke to him, and him to me? Could we have changed it?

I can’t help it but I always go back to that moment, that horrible climax where I took this broken boy called Shinji and proceeded to tear him into even smaller pieces. All I’m doing now is projecting my blame onto someone else. Trying to make myself feel better because I finally have a living person to blame.

No, that can’t be true. This man, Fuyutsuki does deserve our scorn he does deserve to take the blame but he wasn’t acting alone.

“Pilot Sohryu… Asuka… if I may…”

“Go ahead.”

“I understand the scorn you have for me right at this moment in time. I can explain why I took part in it and the reasoning behind it if you would like me to but I’d also like to address Shinji in that too. He deserves to know why I did what I did, he deserves to know of the history behind me and his father and also his mother.”

I’m wary of allowing him near Shinji but at the same time I can’t have the truth hidden from him. Shinji does have a right to know.

“My actions cannot be justified, I know that but I also want you to understand that I want to help you and Shinji now. Before I left that place… I made a promise to someone. I wish to fulfil that promise.”

I listen to his words and realize the irony of the situation. Six or seven weeks ago I was an expendable soldier to this man. I barely knew him, had barely spoke to him and all I was to him was a bratty pilot who was fucking up constantly. Now here he is coming to me, begging for me to let him help.

I also realize the truth that as much as I hate to admit it we will need help if we are to continue surviving. We can learn many things but there is a limit.

“Fine… but I won’t let you hurt him.”

“I don’t intend on doing so.”

I turn to leave and get Shinji but Fuyutsuki speaks again.

“By the way, I know what it feels like… to be considered expendable.”

“You were the Sub-Commander of NERV, Gendo’s right hand man how can you possibly…”

“I was Sub-Commander in name only, all that meant is I did the paperwork. If it wasn’t for my insurance policy I would have been killed and replaced in a heartbeat.”

I tilt my head at him in curiosity, “Insurance policy?”

He nods, “The names and locations of the SEELE Committee who orchestrated Second Impact. The truth behind it all. If anything had happened to me that knowledge would have leaked out instantly and their plans halted and crumbled down around them. That was the only reason I was kept around, that and a promise I made to Yui Ikari.”

“Shinji’s mother?”

Now I’m even more curious. I was unaware of the connection between Fuyutsuki and Shinji’s mother. I immediately want to know more.

“Yes… Yui was a former student of mine back before Second Impact but this is a story for Shinji to hear as well. If you would allow me the opportunity.”

I nod my head, “As long as you don’t…”

“Hurt Shinji? I’ve no intention of it, I’m not his father.”

**I do remember one thing…**

They’ve been down there for quite some time now. I’m sure I heard Asuka raise her voice at one point but I couldn’t hear what she had said. She is angry, I know why she is angry but I can’t bring myself to be. I’m just happy that someone has returned, even if it was the NERV Sub-Commander. It means that she was right, people can and will return. It just takes time. It means there is hope that Misato will come back, and the others. It means that she might have been right about the rest of the world.

I know Asuka won’t see it like that. I remember the way she looked at that back row of markers when I took her to that site. The hatred on her face, I expected her to kick each of them down just like she did the one that was supposed to be for her. I wouldn’t have blamed her if she did, I wouldn’t have been upset with her if she did. How could I be? After what those people did to us, to her especially she has earned the right to be angry. I am happy she didn’t though.

I’m waiting for them to call me down, to see where this goes next. Part of me wants to go down there now and see what is happening but it’s probably for the best I don’t. Instead I’m re-arranging our CD collection that seems to have amassed over the last month. We took a chance and drove into a nearby town when hunting for supplies. It was slightly bigger than this, also abandoned but they had a music shop. Asuka decided it’d be a good idea to raid the prog section. I didn’t even bother to protest this time besides she said it wasn’t as if people were buying that stuff anymore anyway. Something about the general public being too stupid to appreciate that kind of music.

I on the other hand probably managed to eclipse what that stuff would have cost with one item. A brand new cello for myself. Asuka was surprised to see me get it. Not because it went against my usual reluctance to ‘borrow’ items, but because I had told her I only played it because I was told to. I guess that was true. I did start because the teacher I lived in thought it’d be a good idea for me to play an instrument but I did enjoy it. I picked it up quickly, if there is something I was good at it was understanding how to play and read music. I just always downplayed that part of me. I don’t know why, I’m a contradiction. I wanted praise off of people but when I did something worthy of praise I’d downplay it and say I wasn’t very good.

So I’ve been trying to practice a little bit each day again. I got a few music books to remind myself of a few pieces and I’ve even been trying to compose my own material. So far I’ve got an audience of one. Asuka watches me intently every time I practice. She’ll sit near to me, she’ll listen quietly to everything I play. Every warm-up exercise I do, every mistake I make, every piece I try and every scale I improvise on. She won’t speak while I practice, she’ll just sit there watching me and smiling. So I’ve been trying to play some of the music she puts on in the car, and that she listens to. Every now and then I’ll sneak it into my practicing and I’ll see her eyes light up as if I’ve done something wonderful.

Some of Asuka’s music is a bit strange and the songs can be really long too. Sometimes we’ll drive to the shelter and by the time we get there the first song is only just finishing but I don’t mind. The songs are in English too so I don’t really understand them. I can speak some English but not enough to really understand the songs. Asuka is helping me out though, translating the lyrics for me to understand them. It sometimes helps, although other times it just confuses me more.

I don’t really have much of a music collection yet. I always liked music but for me I hung onto the same songs on my SDATs tape. I guess it’s time I explored more. I put back the copy of King Crimson’s Discipline into its correct place amongst the other albums. Just in time for the door to open and for both Asuka and Fuyutsuki to walk through. Almost immediately I jump to my feet.

“Sub… Sub-Commander…”

He waves his hand at me, “Please, just Kozo is fine. As me and Asuka have already established we’re all equal now. NERV is no longer and along with it no more ranks.”

I bow my head, “Is there… anything we can get you… we have tea and-“

Fuyutsuki looks across to Asuka who nods, “Just tea, thank you.”

I nod and immediately go into the kitchen to make some tea for us all. A few minutes later I’m back in the front room and put the cups down on the table for us all. He thanks me once again as we all take a seat. Asuka is the first to speak. Her voice is cold, emotionless and commanding. It isn’t the same voice she uses with me, it lacks any of the kindness she shows me now.

“You mentioned a story for us, I think we should hear it now don’t you think?”

Fuyutsuki nods, “Yes of course. It’ll try to not leave anything out.”

He turns to me, “Shinji, how much do you know of my relationship with your parents?”

I recall what I do know, “Nothing only that you were there the day my mother died.”

“Yes I was… it was a sad day for us all. I’ve actually known your mother for longer than that. I was her teacher when she was at University. That is also when I met your father who was then going by the name Gendo Rokubungi.”

A part of me feelings like I already know this but I can’t think of why I might know that. I feel like I should interject but I stay quiet and let him speak.

“Your father was… something of a troubled individual at University. He was constantly getting into fights, I don’t know what sort of upbringing he had. I never wanted to know so I never asked. At first I knew of him by reputation but the first time I met him properly was when he got the police to call me.”

“The police?”

“Yes, he had been arrested after a bar-fight and for some reason he put my name down as a point of contact. From there I developed something of a working relationship with the man. He was troubled yet he had some interesting ideas and I guess I made it a project of trying to change and shape that.”

Asuka cuts in, “Hold on you mean Shinji’s father used to get into drunken bar-fights?”

She can’t hide the amusement in her voice and I’m fairly sure I can’t hide the embarrassment on my face. I didn’t need to learn that.

“Yes, quite a lot actually. Around this time I had a star pupil. Your mother Yui Ikari. She confided in me one day that she was dating Gendo Rokubungi. I naturally questioned it, maybe even tried to discourage it but she was stubborn. She claimed she could see something in him that others couldn’t, a kindness… I tried to see it but all I saw was an arrogant man who was wasting his youth. Still I wished them well and hoped that maybe Yui could change him. After they both graduated that was the last I would see of them until after Second Impact.”

I want to ask more about my mother and father at that time but I decide that can wait until later. For now I listen to what he has to say.

“After Second Impact I ceased to be a university professor, the world at that time was in disarray and I felt my skills could be put to better use. University professors were not exactly needed at that time so I set up an ‘unlicensed’ clinic for the community near Toyohashi. Not strictly legal but back then that didn’t matter, the world needed doctors, those people needed doctors and a man of my reputation could get away with it.”

He sips from his tea before continuing, “It was around this time I was selected to be part of an investigatory expedition to the South Pole. The site of Second Impact. While there I made some discoveries linking your parents to the incident as well as a group known as SEELE. I gathered as much information as I could with the aim of making it public. I was going to blow the whistle on the whole thing, the fact that Second Impact had been orchestrated by humans. I eventually confronted your father, told him I knew everything and I knew that he and Yui were involved in some way.”

I can feel my stomach churning with his words. All I can do is stare at the floor as his words roll around inside my head. My parents had a hand in Second Impact, they were in some way responsible for it. I feel Asuka’s hand slip over mine and hear her speak.

“Continue…”

Fuyutsuki questions her, “Is Shinji alright?”

I finally look up and weakly smile, “I’ll be alright… please, I need to hear more.”

“Very well… I confronted him but he didn’t seem bothered. In fact it was as if he already knew this was going to happen. Of course he did know, he was the one who recommended I go on the expedition in the first place. He presented me with an opportunity, to join him and Yui in helping to create a new beginning for humanity. He explained to me what had happened during Second Impact and he shown me the first Evangelion Unit. Your mother helped persuade me as well so I joined GEHIRN, ensuring the information I had was kept safe in case anything should happen to me.”

Again he takes a sip of tea, “I want you to understand one thing Shinji. Regardless of what you think of myself or your father. Your mother was not a bad person.”

“But… she was working for SEELE, she was working towards Third Impact?”

“No, she wasn’t. While SEELE believed humanity had run its course and that this was the best chance your mother believed differently. That is why she volunteered to be the control unit for Evangelion Unit 01. She knew what would happen, she knew what it would mean but it was the only way she could ensure a future for mankind. She made a mistake though…”

Asuka questions him, “And that was?”

“She confided her plans to me and not to Gendo, she made me promise to not say anything to him. I don’t know why, maybe there was a part of her that didn’t trust him completely, regardless she misjudged him and what has happened here is the result of that. Your father disappeared after that incident. When he returned he came to me with a new goal. Instead of giving control of Instrumentality to SEELE he would hijack it, he would re-unite with Yui.”

Asuka speaks again, all I can do is stare at the ground and listen. I want to get up and run into the room, I can feel my eyes stinging with tears threatening. I want to scream but I have to listen to this until the end. I knew my mother was in Unit 01, I knew she was there but I didn’t know how far back this had gone. I didn’t know all of this. “And you didn’t think to stop him?”

“I wanted to… but I couldn’t. I had made a promise, all I could do was put my faith in Yui. I guess… I didn’t trust Gendo either. I assumed she hadn’t told him for a good reason so I didn’t say anything either. I wonder if I had told him things might have turned out differently.”

I feel my hand tighten around Asuka’s with his words. We’ve probably said those words to ourselves so many times since returning. If only we had done something else things might have turned out differently.

“It doesn’t matter now, it’s already happened. We have to look forward.”

Fuyutsuki looks at me in surprise. I don’t think he expected me to say something like that. I fight back more tears and squeeze Asuka’s hand a bit more. I can feel her squirm slightly but I’ll apologize later.

“My father was scared of being hurt and of hurting others… my mother was the only person who didn’t hurt him and who he didn’t hurt. He was scared of me, he was scared of you he was probably scared of the entire NERV staff so he did what he did in the hope that when he achieved it we’d all be happy…”

“That’s correct but…”

“I almost feel sorry for him but I can’t…”

I release Asuka’s hand finally and stand up as Fuyutsuki replies, “You shouldn’t, but he did care for you in his own way. It doesn’t justify it but he felt that the best thing for you would be for him to maintain distance. He felt that all he’d do is hurt you if he tried to do anything.”

I nod slowly, “I know… but that’s the thing… he didn’t even try.”

I look towards the bedroom door and decide it might be best to leave this conversation now. I’ve heard enough about my father, I’ve heard enough about my mother. Asuka can handle the rest. I’ve heard enough about anything.

“I’m… tired, you two can sort out the rest.”

Asuka stands up as I head towards the door, “Shinji-“

I don’t respond, instead I stay focused on the door. My hand fumbles for the handle but I open it get inside and close it just in time for the tears to start flowing down my face. I immediately throw myself onto the bed and hope the pillow muffles the sounds of my sobs.

Everything he has just said is running around in my head. My parents, their actions, what they did to the world, to Misato, Asuka, all my friends and what they did to me. Was this the world my mother envisions? Was this the product she was expecting when she put her faith in humanity? Is this what she was hoping for when she abandoned us without a word? Confiding in one man and not even letting him say a word about it?

Is this what you wanted mother? A broken son? A world with no hope left, where we have to scavenge for food and hope that people might return. This is what your faith in humanity got you. I hope you’re happy.

I don’t know how long I’ve been in there but after a time the door opens and I hear Asuka come into the room. I’ve ran out of tears to cry at this point. Instead I’m just staring straight ahead at the wall whilst lying face down. She sits down on the bed and runs her hand along my back before gently leaning over and resting her head on my shoulder.

“I’ll handle dinner tonight Shinji…”

With this she kisses me on the cheek softly. I thought I had no more tears left to cry, I was wrong.


	8. Chapter 8

I close the door after checking in on him another time. He’s asleep now and looks so peaceful. He’s barely said a word since our conversation with Fuyutsuki earlier. I don’t blame him, it was a lot to take in for us both. Only I don’t have the same emotional attachment he does. It wasn’t my parents he was talking about. I didn’t discover that my parents had helped stage one of the greatest disasters to hit mankind, I didn’t discover my mother had let herself die in some Machiavellian plot that involved both husband and son to hopefully save the world.

I’m tempted to ask what he knows of my parents. My mother, I know so little about her in honestly. I have snippets of good times. Her playing music for me, holding me, playing with me but it’s hazy. Instead all I really have of her is the image of her lying in a hospital bed, barely human and repeating words to me that no child should hear their mother say.

I was raised by my father and my stepmother. Mostly my stepmother, my father gave up on me after I told him how much I hated him. I hated my stepmother as well. I hated them all and I still do. How dare she come into my life and try to control me and how dare he remarry someone so soon after my mother died.

So maybe its best I don’t ask about my parents. I’m fucked up enough without learning more. Still I’d like to know more about her sometime. For now though, my focus is on Shinji.

I feel a little bit guilty that I’m not there trying to make him feel better now but I need to discuss things with the former sub-commander. Like what the next move should be. As much as I dislike the man I’ve been hoping someone like him would return. In honesty I was hoping for Misato but this will do.

When I return to the front room, I see Fuyutsuki is sitting there looking at the television and mine and Shinji’s collection of movies.

“See anything you like there? We tend to watch the documentaries. There is a good one there about penguins which was the first one we watched together. Another good one about the sea life after Second Impact. Did you know that after Second Impact sea life actually thrived? While the rest of the world saw its populations halved and even go extinct it was the sea life that managed to thrive. I wonder how it’s going to react now…”

Fuyutsuki nods, “I did know that but… thank you. How is Shinji?”

“He’s sleeping, looks quite peaceful actually.”

“I’m sorry for upsetting him… I know you wanted to avoid that…”

I throw myself down onto the sofa and sit back, “He… wanted you to tell him. It was his choice, and I suppose he had to know.”

“You care about him a lot don’t you?”

I look up at him. Once upon a time I might have denied that. The idea of me liking Shinji Ikari was ridiculous, something to laugh at and deride the person who suggested it. Now I don’t care who knows it. I’m not ashamed of it, “Yeah… I do.”

“And he cares about you?”

I nod, “Yes. Just a shame it took an apocalypse for us to realize it really…”

I sigh as Fuyutsuki changes the topic. “Would it be possible for you to take me to this other shelter tomorrow? I’d like to see it.”

I smile, “Thinking of upgrading to something more befitting of a man like yourself? Don’t fancy living in the ruins with us?”

“I think you have the wrong idea of me. The idea of living somewhere like that in this environment is abhorrent to me.”

“I thought it’d have been right up your street.”

“Hardly, I was probably happiest working in Toyohashi in that cramped clinic that doubled as my home.”

“So why bother to visit it?”

“Because I have to think logically, and right now I think the best place for the three of us would be in that shelter. It has medical supplies, food and power which is everything we need to survive.”

I immediately leap onto the defensive. We don’t need him to look out for us, we don’t need anyone.

“We can survive fine here. We have a generator, we have food and medical supplies. Everything we need. No when others come back they can go there but we stay.”

“With all due respect Asuka, what you and Shinji have here hardly counts as medical supplies. A first aid box barely covers it. I have no doubt about your abilities to survive, you’ve both done an incredible job but despite that I have concerns.”

I laugh, “Concerns about what?”

“If other people come back, what will happen if they come across this place and encounter two teenagers staying here. Much less the pilots of the Evangelion Units. We don’t know how they’ll react, we don’t know what their state will be. The next person to return could be anyone or a number of people and this place isn’t safe for you both.”

The thing I hate is that I know he is right. It’s something I’ve thought about myself for a couple of weeks now. As much as I dislike the idea of moving into that shelter of luxury it probably is the best idea in the long term. He continues to speak.

“Also I’m concerned about your medical conditions. You’ve been surviving on your own for six weeks in this environment. I’d like to examine you both, with your permission of course. My concerns are probably misplaced but we should be aware of what, if any, effects this environment might have on us.”

I flinch involuntarily at the idea of him examining us both. I shudder inside at the idea of trusting this man after what he was a part of. Again I know he is probably right, we really don't know enough about this world as it is and considering what we both went through prior to Third Impact and during, especially me, it is probably for the best. So naturally I reject the idea.

"No, we're both fine. It's been six weeks for us and neither of us are ill or anything. The only time any of us has been was Shinji during the first few days he was here... so no. We'll go to the Shelter like you ask and take a look around."

He nods and doesn’t press the issue. That was easy, almost too easy. I expected some resistance from him. I expected him to insist on it but instead he just moves onto the next subject.

"I suppose we should look at the communications equipment as well. You and Shinji haven't used it yet have you?"

I shake my head, "No we haven't. We were going to wait until other people had returned before trying it... it's..."

I lower my voice a bit even though I know Shinji is asleep. I still don't want to risk him hearing this, I don't want to give him a reason to worry.

"It'd be dangerous to use it as we are..."

"What do you mean?"

"As Asuka Langley Sohryu and Shinji Ikari... if we made contact with the outside world as those people we don't know what'd happen. The Japanese government ordered the JSSDF to assassinate us didn't they? That group, SEELE they were all powerful figures in the UN. If we make ourselves known to be alive and there is someone out there then they can easily finish the job can't they?"

Fuyutsuki looks at me for a moment contemplating his answer. Eventually he gives a reply.

"What you say makes sense I suppose. I suppose we don't know enough about who might have returned in other parts of the world to establish a plan yet. There might still be some action we can take though. Establishing contact under different names, sound only, that sort of thing. Until we figure out the state of the world, who is in charge. I do not think SEELE will be a factor against us but you are right to be concerned. I presume this is something Shinji can't know."

"Of course not... not yet anyway. Not until we figure it all out."

"I understand. In which case I shall take my leave of you both tonight. I spotted a cottage on the outskirts of the town I can take resident in. May I borrow your crowbar?"

I smile and point to the corner of the room where it's resting against the wall, "Of course, go ahead."

He picks the item up and starts to leave the room before stopping and turning back towards me, "If Shinji awakes tell him I said good bye, and once again Asuka, I apologize for everything that has happened."

He leaves the room and I'm hit immediately by the silence in here. I look towards mine and Shinjis bedroom door and think about him lying in there sleeping. I think about what he must have gone through tonight hearing those things about his parents. I think about what is to come. Someone has finally returned, it could mean that tomorrow we'll see more return. It could mean that I was right and around the world right now cities have been re-established and people are moving forward. Or it could mean that there are only three of us in the world right now.

It's so quiet in here right now. I wonder what this town would have been like before Third Impact. Would it have been a busy town at this time of the night? There are a few restaurants nearby so maybe it saw a fair share of tourists and was kept busy. Or perhaps it was quiet, and the restaurants were kept open by loyal locals who visited frequently.

I wonder who the occupants of this apartment would have eventually been. The town isn't too far out from Tokyo-3 with train and bus links. Could have been someone who worked at NERV or one of the places in the city. Maybe it was going to be a young couple, someone like me and Shinji who would come in after their day. Sit on the couch and hold each other and pretend to watch movies but instead just end up making out and touching each other up. Then they retire to the bedroom and give themselves to each other completely.

I enter our bedroom and I look at Shinji lying in bed sleeping and wonder what he is dreaming of, if anything at all. He looks so calm and peaceful, I wonder what he looked like when he wasn’t being so calm and peaceful in bed. I can already feel those thoughts sneaking into my head again. It always begins like this, I look at him when he’s like this or when he’s cooking us food and he’s cute. His eyes are so deep, so expressive. I can tell his exact mood just be looking at them no matter what he says or the rest of his face. His eyes always give him away.

Then I stop imagining him being cute, I imagine him with other expressions. Expressions of pleasure as I have my way with him, as we give ourselves to each other. I wonder if he looks at me when I’m asleep and has similar thoughts. I wonder if he thinks I’m cute when I’m asleep. I wonder if he needs me in the same way I need him.

I remove my shirt and stand topless in the coolness of our room for a moment looking down at him. A part of me wants him to wake up and see me like this. See me stood naked and confident rather than the broken girl I was when I removed my bandages. He won’t wake up though unless I wake him. So with that I put on a loose shirt and remove my jeans and settle into bed. I put my arm around him trying to not wake him and press myself into his back for warmth.

“Good night Shinji.”

**Does Earth put a hole in heaven?**

**_December 31 st 2015_ **

I’m sat at the kitchen table in our apartment, I don’t remember how I got here. I don’t remember a lot nowadays, the days continue to roll by and I have the same routine every day now. I get up, I sit at this stupid table and I eat whatever stupid breakfast has been made for me. I hear them talk about whatever stupid subject they’re talking about. Trying to make conversation in this cesspit of a world. I hear them try to engage me in their petty conversation. Talking about synchronisation scores or tests or whatever.

I ignore it all, I listen to none of it because I don’t care. They can all drop dead for I care, the lot of them. Shinji, Misato, Wondergirl, the entire human race. I don’t give a shit about them anymore. Everything I ever had has been taken away from me, so why should I give a shit. I hate the lot of them.

Today feels different somehow. Maybe it’s because of the stabbing pain in my stomach. I must be due to start my period, I always get bad cramps when I start. This feels different though, it isn’t central to one area. It’s scattered around my stomach this time. I can feel a pain in my left eye as well and up my arm too. I must be coming down with something. At least I have an excuse to go back to bed then.

I sit on the chair and I can hear Shinji enter the room. He starts to talk to me and I try my best to block it out but his words infiltrate my mind. Something is wrong it doesn’t feel like he is talking to me but talking inside me.

“Please Asuka, talk to me… I want to help you, and I want to be with you forever.”

He’s said words like this before but again this is different. The words echo within me, they bounce around and they compel me to reply. Before I know it I’m talking back to him.

“Then don’t do anything. Don’t come near me. All you ever do is hurt me.”

“Liar.”

Again I try to block it out but I can’t, his words… they’re too strong. Something about this isn’t right, this entire scene isn’t right. I’m in so much pain right now and I don’t know why. I don’t remember it. There is an image, a hazy one in my head of something. A figure impaled with something. Is it… is it me?

Suddenly I’m on my feet and I’m facing him. I’m right up in his face. With every line I say I step towards him and watch as he backs away towards the counter.

“Anyone will do for you! You’re afraid of Misato, you’re afraid of the First Child. You’re afraid of your mother and father! So now you come crawling to me.”

As I speak it the image becomes more vivid in my mind. The figure it’s… it’s my Unit 02. I remember something, I was fighting… I was fighting something and then I lost. I lost again and I died? No wait, I saw something. Shinji in Unit 01 rising up and his scream filling the air. Then I was here.

He brought me here, he literally did come crawling to me the bastard. After he let me die like that he came crawling to me with claims of wanting to help me. I angrily shove Shinji and watch as he falls to the ground, he grabs at something to try to keep him up but ends up pulling that onto the floor. All I can do is fix my cold stare at him as he lands on his backside, a boiling hot jar of coffee landing next to him.

“Help me… please… help me Asuka…”

I stand over him and look down at his worthless face. I see the tears forming in his eyes. He thinks he can help me now? He thinks I’ll help him? No, not this time Shinji. I’m breaking you for good now.

“Pathetic.”

He slowly picks himself up off of the floor. He’s looking down at the ground, his eyes not matching mine. His breathing is ragged now and I take a step back. In one swift motion he grabs a chair and screams out.

“HELP ME!”

I don’t move from where I am. I’m not scared of him hurting me physically, in fact I welcome it. It couldn’t be worse than the pain I’ve felt recently. I welcome him killing me but if I go down I’m going to make sure he comes with me.

He throws the chair to his side and it hits the wall with a crunch.

“Don’t ignore me!”

He flips the kitchen table up onto its side, sending all the food and plates on it crashing to the floor with a sickening crash.

“DON’T IGNORE ME! HELP ME!”

He stops still, his body is shaking and his breathing is ragged. I take one step forward and as coldly as I can I whisper the word.

“No.”

Within a moment he looks up and snarls and I feel his hands around my throat. I’m lifted up into the air but I offer no resistance. Go on Shinji, do it. Put an end to my miserable fucking existence. Put an end to all of our existences.

**...Or heaven put a hole in Earth?**

My vision slowly returns, great I’m still alive and all the pain from before has gone. I open my eyes fully and find myself sat on a folding chair with a giant spotlight on me. I shield my eyes and look around. I appear to be on a stage of some sort in an empty theatre.

I can remember everything. The entire conversation with Shinji in the kitchen, me shoving him onto the floor, him yelling and throwing the furniture around. I remember my reluctance to help him and I remember his hands around my throat. I remember why I did it, he had abandoned me during my fight. He had not appeared to help me and I had been beaten again. So I asked him to end it for me. Is that what has happened now? Did I die?

All of the emotion I had felt from that moment is gone. I feel nothing now but a strange emptiness. Maybe I did die.

As I bring my head back round I immediately leap up as a figure appears before me. I dart behind the seat until I realize exactly who it is. I almost scold myself at being scared by the appearance of Rei Ayanami.

“W-Wondergirl?”

I glance at her and realize she is completely naked, paler than usual and there is a faint white glow around her.

“F-First… Ayanami? W-What is this place?”

She fixes me with a curious stare and tilts her head, “This is the world you wished for. An extension of the world Ikari wished for. The world without barriers between people but ultimately the world without his presence. Where you can be happy.”

“T-The world without…? Where I can be happy?”

She nods, “Yes… Ikari was given the choice and sought answers from the one he cared most about. Those answers lead for him to make this wish. He wished for a world where he could no longer cause you or anyone else any pain and where he could no longer experience any pain. The world without the A.T. Field between people anymore and where he was no longer present.”

I don’t really know what to say. This is the world Shinji wished for. It’s empty, there is no one else here. How can he have wished for this? What is this supposed to mean?

“Shinji… is no longer present. You mean he’s dead?”

“No.”

“Then what do you mean no longer present, if he isn’t dead he must still be present.”

“He does not exist within the consciousness of humanity anymore. The Shinji Ikari that you knew has removed himself from that collective consciousness. The only Shinji Ikari to exist is the Shinji Ikari within Shinji Ikari’s own mind. The one that lives within the minds of others no longer exists, do you understand now?”

I shake my head, I don’t understand at all. If that’s the case then why does he exist within my mind? Why can I think about him? Why am I having this conversation about him right now? This makes no sense.

“But he does still exist?”

“He does, but not within the minds of others. To the ones known as Misato Katsuragi, Touji Suzahara, Gendo Ikari, Ritsuko Akagi, Kensuke Aida there is not and never has been a Shinji Ikari. This is the nature of their world now.”

“Why?”

“Because he wished for it to be so.”

“Yes… but why… why did he do that?”

I hear a loud sound above me and see the light of a projector hitting the wall of the stage behind me. It displays an image. It’s of Shinji and myself, I’m being held up by him with his hands around my throat. There is an echo around the theatre.

_“Put an end to all our existences.”_

My mouth goes dry as I hear my own words. I remember saying that, I remember it clearly but hearing it played back to me, it feels different. I asked for him to do that, I asked for all of our existences to come to an end. I… didn’t mean it though… did I?

“Did… Shinji end everyone’s existence? Is that where I am now?”

_“Nobody wants me, so they can all just die.”_

That voice echoing around, it belongs to Shinji. He’s calling for everyone to die, just as I asked him to. No… I didn’t mean that, I was mad… I was angry… I was broken. Shinji, you don't mean it either... do you?

_“Nobody cares whether I live or die. Nothing will change... so they can all just die...”_

His voice echoes in the theatre again. His words are like a dagger through my heart, and somehow bringing much more pain than the lances from those bastards did. He can't really mean it, we do care. I care if he lives or dies. Misato cared, Rei cared and your friends cared.

_“It would be better if I never existed. I should just die too.”_

I sink down to my knees at the final line. It’s starting to dawn on me, he did this because of what I said to him in that Kitchen.

Rei speaks again.

“Shinji decided that rather than live in a world where no one wants him he would rather not exist. He exists on his own now. In a place where no one can hurt him anymore and where he can no longer hurt anyone.”

“This is because of me isn’t it?”

She tilts her head at me, “I am curious. Why do you feel this way?”

I think about it and I don’t have an answer, all I know is that moments prior to being here I had used up the last of my anger and hatred on Shinji and now I’ve learned that I’m in a world where he no longer exists.

I feel a burning behind my eyes and force back any tears, I’m not going to cry. Not here and not in front of Rei Ayanami. Instead I take deep breath and talk behind the chair, I lean forward and place both hands on it.

“I… don’t know.”

It’s all I can say.

“You do not agree with his actions?”

“No of course I don’t agree with his fucking actions.”

“Yet you are the one who told him to do this.”

“I…”

I hang my head in shame as her words bounce around. I told him to do this. I told him to do this. I told him to do this. It’s all I can think of, the tears threaten again but I force them back. I’m trying to stay as calm as I can, this has to be reversible right?

Our argument in that kitchen flies back through my mind. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s no coincidence that I said those things to him, I broke him down and thought for him to end it and then this happened. It’s no coincidence that I’m here alone after that, and he is supposedly gone. If that’s true though then it means I’m to blame.

I’m to blame for this, I can’t take this. I need to put things right. I need to get back to him. I need to correct this, I can’t have driven him to this.

“Take me back to him.”

“I cannot do that.”

“Why not?”

I am met with silence and when I finally look up Rei is gone from the stage. I realize I am now alone in this place. Left only with the soft humming of the projector and the heat of the spotlights. I sit on the seat and lean back and I’m aware of another presence in the room. I look up at it and find myself looking straight into the eyes of… me. It’s me from the day I first met Shinji on the Over The Rainbow, I’m wearing that yellow sundress I used to be so fond of. She has her hands on her hips mirroring the exact stance I had one that day.

_“So… this is the infamous Second Child.”_

“Huh?”

_"What's wrong idiot? You got what you wanted didn't you? Shinji finally granted your wishes."_

"What... I... I never wanted..."

_"You asked for this, you know how much he needed you... that he'd do anything for you so he did what you wanted. He removed himself from existence and ended the world... all for us."_

"I didn’t... I didn't want that, I just wanted... he hurt me... so I..."

_"Liar."_

It's my own voice replayed from in the kitchen.

_"It didn't matter to do who reached out to you, it could have been anyone. You were scared of them all and you pushed them all away. You were scared of Misato, Ayanami, Hikari, Your own father and when Shinji reached out, you were so scared of him you shoved him away too."_

Suddenly I see another figure join her. It's Shinji and he is staring straight at me. His eyes... I've never seen them like that. All I can do is reel back in the seat in fear. That expression on his face. That look, those eyes. They're cold, piercing and exactly like his fathers.

_"I tried to help you... but you never told me how to help you. You never let me."_

"I... gave you hints..."

_"You berated me and called me an idiot. You made me do everything for you because you couldn't be bothered to do it yourself. You belittled me constantly and yet I still wanted to help you, yet I still loved you... now I've gave you what you wanted."_

"No this isn't what I... please Shinji..."

For a moment I think I see this Shinji's eyes soften, he speaks one more time.

_"You're just like me Asuka..."_

I blink and immediately they are gone.

Suddenly I hear another voice echoing through the theatre. It’s mine only it doesn’t sound exactly like me. It’s distorted as if I’m hearing it through a pair of cheap headphones. As it speaks the projector sounds again changing the image on screen. Each sentence being said matches the image on the screen. This time it’s me looking down on Shinji from on top of my Unit 02.

With each sentence the images change depicting different stages in my time spent with Shinji. I see me and him in the Entry Plug for Unit 02 when I fought the Angel. I see us both in our outfits learning that ridiculous dance. I see me sleeping next to him in that room. I see me yelling at him. I see me waiting outside his hospital room after he came back from being inside that Angel. I see me after my first major defeat. I see me after I decided to run away from Misato’s and stay at Hikari’s. I see me saying how much I hated everyone.

I open my mouth and I speak along with the voices in the theatre, matching it word for word.

“Most of all… I hate myself.”

Another image appears on screen. It’s just after we beat the Angel on the volcano. Shinji had dived in against orders and saved my life. I can see me sat in the pool looking at Misato’s scar. I look at her.

_“Hey Misato… you know everything about me don’t you?”_

_“I’m your guardian, so yes… I do Asuka.”_

_“I see…”_

_“Asuka, it was a long time ago now. Maybe it’s time to let things go.”_

 

A new voice rings out, it’s a clearer one this time. It doesn’t belong to me but instead it belongs to our guardian Misato.

_“Asuka Langley Sohryu, the Second Child. Chosen at the age of four to pilot the Evangelion. She found out the same day her mother committed suicide. That’s something no child should ever experience. From then on she has become something of a prodigy, graduating from a respected college at the age of thirteen with a degree in physics. Excelling in her training to become a pilot. The only issue is in the process she has pushed everyone else away. She has nothing to do with her family and she has no friends.”_

I listen to her words and mutter a reply, “I… everyone just hurt me or hated me… I…”

_“You hated yourself because all you could do was hurt others. You hated everyone else because all they could do was hurt you. Whenever they came close you would lash out at them to protect yourself. When you finally felt yourself drawing closer to someone you pushed them away twice as hard.”_

I swallow as the words hit me with the force of a truck. I feel the burning return to behind my eyes and try to force out a reply.

“No… I… I didn’t! I… didn’t push them away! They pushed me away! They hated me, they were jealous because of how strong I was, because of how good I was!”

Almost immediately I get a reply. Not from Misato but from myself.

_“Pathetic, you’re pathetic. You’re not strong at all, after all a strong person wouldn’t lose like you did.”_

Up above me the project shows a sequence of images. Me in battles against the various Angels. Me being cast aside easily by the Angel possessing Unit 04. My Eva being sliced apart in the Geofront. The attack on my mind from orbit. The time I couldn’t even make my Eva move and finally… my final defeat at the hands of the Eva series.

“I… I…”

I try to stutter out some sort of come back for the sequence, some sort of retort but nothing comes to mind. They keep on rolling past, going faster and faster as they do so. From beginning to end, I’m glued to the screen watching image after image of my defeats in the Eva.

“No… I’m good, they all… stop… stop showing me this… stop it! STOP IT!”

I scream out and the images stop flickering on the screen and I’m left in silence again. My breathing is heavy as I try to regain some semblance of sanity. This is… this doesn’t make any sense. What is happening to me here?

All I know is I don’t want this anymore, I don’t want to be here anymore. I want to go home.

_“I’m worried about Asuka.”_

That voice, it’s Hikari. I look up at the screen and I see a conversation playing out between Hikari and Shinji.

_“She’s been staying at mine for the last couple of days Shinji, all she does is sit there and play video games. She barely eats, she won’t come to school, she barely talks… isn’t there something you can do?”_

She… spoke to Shinji about me? Did this really happen? I look at the Shinji on the screen, he looks so sad when he hears about me.

_“I… I’ll try talking to Misato… maybe she can do something.”_

_“Well can’t you come and talk to her at least, I’m sure she’d like to see you.”_

_“I… I can’t do that. I’ll just make things worse… I’m sorry.”_

Shinji gets up from his seat and walks away from her. Had that actually happened whilst I was at Hikari’s? I guess I wouldn’t know, I remember Misato coming to get me and I remember running away again that next day.

Hikari is stood alone,  _“I guess he really is scared of her… what did she do to him? I guess… she can be pretty mean to him at times.”_

“I… I didn’t do anything! It was him, he did it all… he wouldn’t… he wouldn’t…”

The image changes again to me sat in the quarantined area after I was attacked from orbit. It shows the moment Shinji made his way to the caution tape to ask if I was alright.

“He wouldn’t even hold me…”

_“Did you ever let him?”_

“Of course I did! I gave him plenty of chances… but he was…”

The image changes again to the night we kissed. It shows me kissing him, my fingers firmly pinching his nose. I can hear the noises we’re making as we kiss, I can hear the little gasps I make with each moment. I can hear my mind begging him to hold me.

I look away in shame at what happens next. Him releasing himself from my grasp and catching his breath. Me running into the bathroom pretending to be so offended by the thought of him kissing me. Instead of following me though the image lingers on Shinji’s disappointed and confused face, I can see the moment his eyes drop when I yell about using kissing to pass time.

_“Asuka… I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to upset you. I don’t know what to do.”_

“No… this isn’t… he should have… he should have held me…”

My own voice barks back at me,  _“Idiot, what were you expecting him to do?”_

“I… don’t know.”

It’s all I can say to reply with. I don’t have any form of retort for it. All I can do is look away from the screen with a guilty expression. Just what was I expecting from that night? What was I expecting from any of the times I flirted with him.

_“You berated him, you ground him down, you called him pathetic and perverted and was surprised when he didn’t take hold you? He was terrified of you!”_

“I… I… no… he was never there for me! He did horrible perverted things to me!”

_“Besides where were you when he needed you? Did you bother to hold him? Or visit him in the hospital?”_

“He never needed me, he had everyone to deal with him. He had Misato… he had Wondergirl… he had his friends… I had no one!”

_“Only because you pushed them away.”_

“I didn’t… I didn’t want to but they… only liked me because of who I was! They only liked me because of who they thought I was! Even Shinji… he was just… a perverted boy, he never truly liked me!”

_“What about when you ran away after he was trapped in the Eva for thirty days? Do you remember that?”_

I look up in horror as the screen changes again. I see myself stood on the catwalk overlooking Unit 01. I hear the wailing of Misato from down below. I watch as the version of myself peers over the railing to look down at Shinji and his body. I can’t look away from what happens next. I see the colour drain from this Asuka’s face, I see her turn around slowly and stagger back to the locker room.

She enters the room and locks the door, she slumps down against the locked door and immediately slips her hand up her skirt. I can hear her gasp as I yell out loudly to anyone who will hear. I remember vividly what happened that day, I remember how sick I felt afterwards for using his image in that way. I remember the pain in my hand from where I bit down to stop myself screaming.

“No… stop this… stop showing me this!”

Immediately the image fades from the theatre. I can feel tears rushing down my face now as I slide off the chair onto my knees.

“What… why are you showing me these things?”

I feel a hand on my shoulder and look up at the figure of Rei from earlier.

“It is you who is showing yourself these things. These are echoes of the person who is Asuka Langley Sohryu, both in the mind of yourself and others.”

“Make it stop… please… I don’t want to see anymore.”

She says nothing but instead the theatre slowly fades out and instead I now find myself stood on a sandy ground. A familiar smell enters my nostrils. Immediately recognizable to me as LCL.

“Where… am I?”

“This is the sea of LCL, where all the souls of mankind have congregated now that the A.T. Fields are down. What you just experienced was a prelude, the deconstruction of yourself. This is where the instrumentality of mankind begins.”

I’m still shaking from being shown those images before, “Instrumentality?”

“With no A.T. Fields to separate humans, they exist as one singular being. Here there are no secrets, no pain, nothing to hurt them. Here they can seek their own ideal existence. A world to their desire, where pain will not reach them.”

I think about her words. Here people can exist as they desire, they can live their dreams without the hurt or pain we felt in the real world. I look around at the vast emptiness around me. Could I do that then? I could live in a world where my mother didn’t die, where I’d be happy but…

“Shinji would not exist within it. His existence would be erased, just as he desired it to be.”

“Huh?”

“If you were to join with them, Shinji would cease to exist for you. That is his wish.”

We’re back to that again, “Why?”

“You already have the answer.”

“Because I told him to do it… because he think it’s what I want. A world without him.”

I wonder how many of the people we know have had this conversation, maybe none of them have. Maybe I’m having it now because I’m special just like I always wanted to be. Maybe I’m having it now because it was me that lead to this. I wonder how many have decided to go through with it, how many of our friends are now living that existence without Shinji in their lives. I wonder if I exist for them as well.

“Why… am I here now? Being given this choice?”

“Because you can stop this from happening?”

“I don’t understand, I caused this didn’t I?”

Rei merely nods at me, “Shinji sought you out to help him and he relied on you for an answer and is fulfilling what he believes to be your wish.”

“And if I decide to join with them?”

“Then Shinji will live an existence on his own, your voice will no longer be able to reach him and humanity will be forever trapped in this state and I will cease to be.”

I look Rei in the eyes, “Why are you doing this? For me… I was horrible to you. I was horrible to everyone, what makes you think I can do anything now?”

“Because Ikari is calling to you.”

I close my eyes and smile feeling tears flowing down my cheeks again. Of course he is calling for me. Why wouldn’t he, the poor idiot. I think for a moment about joining with the rest of humanity. If I do I’ll forget all about him. All of this will never have happened for me, it’ll be as if he doesn’t exist. Except he will exist and he’ll be alone.

If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t have made that choice. If it was the other way round would he come for me? I think about what just happened. When I fought the Eva series.

“He… abandoned me when I fought the Eva series.”

“No, you just think he did. He wanted to but he couldn’t. His Eva wouldn’t move for him, it was only after it was too late that he was able to do anything.”

I contemplate again joining with them. It’d be over in an instant and I’d forget everything. I wouldn’t have any memory of it. I’d have my ideal life, I’d have friends and I’d have… my mother. I could even have Kaji if I wanted. He however, would be here… alone and with no one.

He doesn’t deserve that, no one does. If anyone deserves it it’s me for pushing him to this point. I can’t take that leap knowing what I’d leave behind, knowing that he’d be alone. I might not remember after I’ve done it but what would that be but running away? The very thing I berated him for, the very thing I told myself I wouldn’t do.

“No, he… even if it’s just me and him. I won’t let him do it. Take me to him.”

**Time to sin before the dawn...**

**_Present Day_ **

I’m still snuggled into his back but I can’t sleep. I’m thinking about everything that has happened today and that might happen going forward. I’m thinking that now someone has returned things might change for me and Shinji. There is a possibility that tonight could be our last one in this apartment, the last one in which we share this bed or even share each other’s warmth like this. It could be out last night together like this and it’s ended on him being upset and me repressing my urges for him again. I’ve been doing it for two weeks now, wanting to make a move but stopping myself. I even got protection from the supermarket a week ago in case of it. I’m so fed up with it.

I’m not content to just lie here next to him and snuggle into him tonight. I need more. I want us to be that couple I imagined earlier, I want us to give ourselves to each other completely. I need him right now. Is isn’t like what I tried to do with Kaji, this isn’t me trying to prove myself to be an adult. This is a genuine need. I need us to be connected in that way, I need that closeness and I need it right now.

I release my grip on him and lean my head towards his ear. I whisper

“Shinji, wake up.”

I gently shake him and whisper his name again. ”Shinji!”

He starts to stir and I can see him open his eyes in the dim lighting of the room.

“Asuka, what is it are you alright?”

I don’t reply, instead I pull him around onto his back. I immediately mount him and look into his eyes. I can already see the fear and shock in them.

“What… what are you doing-“

I can already feel my heart beating in my chest at the thought of what I’m about to do. I look him deep in the eye and tear off my shirt and see his eyes widen at the sight of my breasts.

“Asuka-“

“Shut up, I don’t want words tonight. Just you.”

I lean in and kiss him firmly on the lips. I worry at first that maybe I’m going a bit too far as he makes no move at all but after a time his hand reaches around to cup my face and his tongue slips into my mouth.

I wrap my hands around his back placing them firmly on his shoulder blades. Our tongues meet and I wait to see what he does next. It’s sort of cute, I feel his trembling hand on the side of my body, it tickles a little bit at first but he gets more confident and it’s firmer. Slowly it makes its way up my side. I feel his hand on the side of my breast and slowly it makes its way onto it completely.

I realize that one of my hands is slowly making its way around his body as well. I also notice that it too is trembling but like his is. We continue this for moments, me on top of him kissing him. Our hands running across each other’s bodies. We make little gasps as we touch the sensitive parts of each other and then I lean back. I shuffle myself and moan ever so slightly at what I can feel.

I’m still nervous but I lean in and whisper for him to close his eyes before taking the small box out of the drawer next to the bed. I decide it’s now or never. The night continues, and for once I’m thankful we’re the only two people in this town.


	9. Chapter 9

When I wake up I realize I can’t move, it’s as if there is a heavy weight on top of me. I slowly up my eyes and see the mass of red hair covering my chest. I see the arm draped across me, and I feel the presence of someone else lying on top of me. My eyes widen more as I turn my head and see Asuka sleeping peacefully, he head resting on my shoulder, her naked chest steadily rising up and down with her breathing.

I realize that aside from the cover we are both completely naked and the memory of last night suddenly comes back to me. What had happened was real, it wasn’t just some highly charged erotic dream. It had genuinely happened. I can remember every part of it now, I remember her waking me up and climbing on top of me. I remember feeling her kiss me and I remember how it felt when we made love. I remember hearing screaming her name and her biting into my shoulder.

I remember her telling me she loved me as we fell asleep shortly afterwards. For the first time in a long time I actually had nice dreams. There were no nightmares, no sadness or running. Just warmth. I pull the sheet back up to cover us up some more and run my hand up to Asuka’s face and gently stroke her hair. I wonder what her dreams are like right now. I know she has nightmares too, I’ve heard her cry out in her sleep before. I’ve felt her wake up and hold me tightly to her when she does so.

There is a part of me that is questioning the thing last night. I feel some semblance of guilt for it. Did Asuka really want to do that? Or did she do it to make me feel better? After all I had heard yesterday, how upset I was, was this her way of making me feel better. Some gesture of hers to ensure I had one good memory about yesterday.

No, that isn’t Asuka. She wouldn’t do something like that unless she really wanted to. She wouldn’t have put herself through that sort of pain when we first started unless she wanted to. Besides we had been growing closer since we returned. We held each other when we watched movies, we held hands when we went out. She had looked after me when we both returned and she had revealed herself to me only a few weeks ago. That was something… she wanted to do right?

Yet I can’t shake the feeling that I should feel guilty for something. It’s just the same as when I’ve fantasized about her in the past only this wasn’t a fantasy. This was real.

I remove my hand from stroking her hair and I hold it in front of me, looking at it. It’s that hand, the same hand I’ve used on myself… the same hand I used on that day in the hospital… the same hand I used on her last night. I’m about to clench it into a fist but I feel her hand immediately grab me by the wrist.

“Mmm… don’t stop, that feels nice.”

I stammer out a reply, “A-Asuka, You’re awake?”

“Yes, now… back to what you were doing.”

I unclench my hand and run it through her hair again and feel her react by snuggling her head into my shoulder more. I shift myself a touch as well to free my other arm and place that on her back, I also shift my lower half slightly to avoid Asuka noticing particular reactions in that region.

“Asuka… last night…”

I’m not quite sure what to say, I’m not quite sure why I tried to say anything.

“Have you been thinking?”

I smile and nod, “Yeah…”

“Let me guess you feel guilty right? You aren’t sure if I wanted to do that. You think I did that just to make you feel better because you were so upset last night over what Fuyutsuki told us? That about cover it?”

“Yeah… that covers it.”

Her hand reaches out of the duvet and slaps me across the top of the head, “Idiot.”

“Sorry…”

“Do you really think I’d do something like that unless I really wanted to, unless I really needed to?”

“I know that but-“

“But nothing, you’re an idiot. I did that because I wanted to and believe me I really wanted to. That said, I know what you mean…”

“You do…”

“Yeah, I had a brief moment when I woke up where I wondered if maybe I coerced you into it, that maybe I was just using you as a quick excuse to get myself off. That maybe you were just reacting like that because you’re a boy and that’s how boys react when faced with a girl as beautiful as myself.”

Asuka had had worries similar to mine as well, I guess it makes sense. I know that for all the front she puts on she can be just as scared as me, she worries about things as well.

“Oh, well I did… want to do that…”

“Oh I know.”

“How?”

She looked me directly in the eyes and smiles at me lustfully, “Because I remembered how you screamed my name, now stop thinking for a moment and hold me. I reckon we can have another half an hour of this before Fuyutsuki comes calling for us.”

\---

I can hear the familiar sounds of the documentary from the other room as I get ready. I look across to the bedside table and see the product of our exploration last night. A bunch of tissues and an empty wrapper. Amazing how such an intimate act, two people giving themselves to each other completely like we did can result in something that looks so sad.

I turn and see myself in the mirror standing with only a bra and pair of panties on. There are a few scratch marks on my shoulder from Shinji but besides that you wouldn't be able to tell what we did. I always wondered about what the first time would be like, it's strange but I don't think I ever did build up an image of the perfect first time. I fantasized about it but it was always short and quick little fantasies of different acts to get me off. I never really had an ideal first time in my head.

Would last night have been my ideal first time? I could have done without the pain which is still somewhat lingering now but the pleasure I got from him, the pleasure I extracted from him. The way we screamed each others names like we were the last two people on Earth. Yeah... I think last night might have been my ideal first time.

Since being back I feel like I've regained some of my purpose in life or at least Shinji has somehow given me a new purpose. I'm here to love him, to protect him and look after him.

I've always felt that since I lost Eva I lost some of my purpose. I lost some of my reason for being and I felt like having lost that I would never find happiness. People liked me because I piloted Eva, in that I was no different from Shinji. I just shown it in a different way. I was aggressive about getting people to notice me because I needed to hear their praise and validation. When I lost that I feared I'd lose that praise and validation. To me I did, Eva was everything, my reason for living. I thought others only saw that in me.

Shinji never did though, I can see that now. He liked me for who I am, he didn't care if I piloted Eva or not. Somehow Shinji fell in love with me, Asuka the person. Asuka the fucked up, wretched human being who pushed people away. He fell in love with that. He's either the sweetest person in the world or the biggest idiot. Maybe he's both. Maybe I shouldn't question why he loves me just like I told him to not question why I wanted to have sex with him last night. Thinking too much always does get us into trouble.

\---

_“After the Impact incident in the Antarctic all life upon this Earth suffered and our friends in the worlds oceans were not spared this tragedy. Amongst these are the Manta Ray._

_The Manta Ray can typically be found in tropical waters with a temperature of over twenty degrees Celsius but they have been known to travel outside of these areas from time to time. In the past fifteen years however their numbers have been dwindling until now._

_I'm stood at a special marine facility, one of many around the world that is helping to repopulate the worlds oceans.”_

Asuka is still getting ready in the bedroom as myself and Fuyutsuki sit in the front room. I’m reading the subtitles on the documentary we’ve been watching since breakfast occasionally picking up the odd word in English. Fuyutsuki has barely said anything to me beyond a greeting and an apology for what he told me about my parents yesterday. He looks as though he wants to say more, but is hesitant.

“I didn’t expect you and Asuka to be interested in this sort of thing.”

He’s referring to the documentary. Before Third Impact I probably wasn’t and I don’t think Asuka had been either. Since we returned though, since we came back to this place we’ve been watching them a lot. Our favourites are the ones narrated by an American woman called Casey Mongillo. She produced a series of sea based documentaries from around 2008 onwards focusing on the state of the seas after Second Impact. Her documentaries were famous around the world winning a number of awards. I can remember seeing adverts for them appearing on the TV stations here, they were different to other documentaries. She always came across as so human compared to the usual male narrators of these things. You could always sense the genuine passion she had for the subject and she wasn’t afraid to show that on screen. I wonder if she has returned from Third Impact yet and what would her ideal world have been? What would she make of the state of the seas now?

We’ve actually already watched this documentary before but we thought it’d be something to put on while we had breakfast and to break up any awkward silences when Fuyutsuki came over. I don’t mind watching it again.

"We...never used to be I guess..."

I pause for a moment, and think about everything that was said yesterday. I know Asuka is mad at Fuyutsuki, I know how angry she is with him. I heard the yelling yesterday, I saw the look in her eyes when she mentioned him coming around earlier this morning. I saw her expression when he apologized but for some reason I'm not angry. I can't bring myself to be angry at him, I know I should be. I know that he was a major factor in what my father did, I know that he hid from both myself and my father what my mother had planned but I can't be angry. I guess it's because he was a victim too in many ways and I suppose in this new world as it is we can't afford to be angry anymore.

Asuka would probably call me an idiot for thinking that way and maybe I am but I just can't be angry. I look over at Fuyutsuki and I finally settle on something to ask, "Do you think animals will return?"

"Animals?"

I nod, "Yeah... I mean, what does Third Impact mean for them?"

"I don't know... have you not seen any animals since you returned?"

I shake my head, I don't remember seeing any since we've returned. Does that mean they're all gone? My mother told me that if a person imagines themselves within their own heart they could return but how could a cat or a dog or even a goat do that?

Fuyutsuki pauses for a moment, "I suppose, Lilith was the source of life on this planet it stands to reason that when Third Impact started the animal life was caught up within it as well but... what would happen to it during the process is difficult to say. Whether or not they would return, is another matter. The subject of sentience within animals has always been a hotly debated one."

"I see..."

"I know that doesn't really answer your question, I admit... we never really questioned this sort of thing going into the process..."

"No it's fine... do you think there will be other people out there?"

Fuyutsuki nods his head, "Yeah I do actually. I don't know how many but I don't think we'll be the only three in the world to have rejected the process. You have to remember most of the people had been evacuated from this and the surrounding areas at the time of Third Impact. Even this town would have been mostly deserted."

"But when we got here the cars, the bikes... everything was..."

"As if they disappeared?"

"Yeah..."

"It might have appeared that way but I don't think that was the case. What was likely to have happened was they were all evacuated by coaches and the train. In the wake of the JSSDF attack they were probably rounded up and sent away to Tokyo 2. I can't speak for everyone, there are traces of... LCL around but I think that was more JSSDF occupation than any residents."

I don't know why but my heart is somewhat lifted by the news. It feels strange but the knowledge that it was only JSSDF in the town at the time of Third Impact makes me feel slightly better. Maybe it's because I no longer feel like the ghosts of those people are watching us as we live here, that they were somewhere else.

Finally after a time Asuka emerges from the bedroom. She glances at me with a small smile which I can’t help but return. She turns towards Fuyutsuki, “So, shall we go then?”

“Yeah, I’ll meet you both downstairs.”

Fuyutsuki turns and leaves the room, I go to leave but Asuka grabs me by the wrist and spins me around. She looks me in the eye and without any warning kisses me on the lips. I return it and slide me hands around her back.

“You sure about this Shinji?”

I nod, “Yeah… I’m feeling a lot better than I was yesterday.”

“Good, oh and Fuyutsuki kinda wanted to give us both a medical check-up while we’re there. To ensure we’re both alright after we returned, naturally I declined I’d advise you do the same.”

I look at her confused, “Why did you decline?”

“Because I feel fine, and I’m not having that old man poke and prod at my body. In case you forgot I don’t trust him, and I don’t think you should either.”

“I guess but… I don’t think he’d try anything. It might be worth doing… we don’t really know what might have happened to us.”

Asuka pulled away from me and walked to the door, “I suppose, it’s your choice if you do it but…”

She turns to me and winks, “You’d better come up with something creative to explain the bite marks on your shoulder.”

\---

The car journey to the shelter was fairly silent, it was that silence that I hate the one where you can feel the tension in the air. Where you can sense someone wants to say something but is afraid to in case they say the wrong thing. Fuyutsuki is understandably awkward around us. It’s no surprise considering what he told us yesterday and the guilt he’ll likely feel from being part of what he was part of. It’s good, I want him to feel that guilt, I want him to feel awkward just so he can maybe get a sense, a fraction of what me and Shinji have felt since we returned.

Shinji on the other hand, well he’s naturally quiet anyway. It’s sort of cute I suppose depending on the situation. At first his shyness irritated me, it wasn’t what I wanted a ‘boy’ or a ‘man’ to be. Or at least it wasn’t what I thought I wanted. There are other times when he falls silent though that it becomes harder to deal with. When he has something on his mind or when he is upset about something. When I have to fight to get a response. I guess I’m not easy to deal with though so I can forgive it.

I wonder if its shyness or something on his mind being the reason for his silence this time. We step out of the car and approach the shelter. Fuyutsuki takes a look around inside the small lobby and shakes his head.

“This is only the lobby, wait until you see inside.”

I’m still sceptical of his words. Shinji might be quick to forgive or trust him but I’m not. I won’t forgive this man for what he took part in any time soon and I certainly don’t trust him. I don’t think he is going to do or try anything but I’m definitely going to be on my guard.

Fuyutsuki grabs one of the packs from behind the counter and examines the handbook and keycard. He pockets the card and walks over to the elevator. Me and Shinji follow behind and the ride down into the depths of the shelter begin. After a short while the doors open and the familiar corridor is in front of us once again.

“Well where to first?”

Fuyutsuki steps outside and walks towards one of the doors.

“What’s on this floor?”

“Mostly apartments, there is a bar/restaurant here, a few conference rooms and what we think are classrooms. Next floor down is mostly the same, although it has two sports halls there. Next floor down looks like a mixture of medical facilities, communications and administration. Below that is storage, maintenance and it looks like there are facilities for growing crops there.”

“I see so they had everything they need here…”

I nod my head, “Pretty much, and you knew nothing about this place?”

“I knew it existed, just… didn’t expect this.”

“And the Commander?”

Shinji turns at the mention of his father but he remains silent. Fuyutsuki bows his head, “He probably didn’t know either. He rarely concerned himself with the affairs of government or businessmen.”

“Too busy plotting the end of the world?”

No response from Fuyutsuki, I also see Shinji look away. Well done Asuka, you’ve managed to make things awkward yet again. In my great need to be antagonist and because I can’t just stay quiet I’ve created a nice silence. I swallow my pride, a rare occasion and apologize.

“Sorry.”

That’s it, that’s the best they’re getting out of me. Shinji still doesn’t say anything, I’m wondering what exactly is up with him. He hasn’t said anything since we set off. I should pull him aside later when I get the chance and ask him. Fuyutsuki on the other hand nods, “No need, your anger towards us is understandable.”

I lead the way through the corridor and towards the restaurant area me and Shinji explored before. We duck into the conference rooms and classrooms and finish our tour of this floor back at the elevator.

“Want to go to the next floor or see one of the apartments?”

“Actually I think we can skip the next floor, I’m more interested in seeing the medical facilities. It’d be a good to know what we have access to. Maybe I can have a look at the communications equipment as well.”

“Of course.”

We all step back into the elevator, Fuyutsuki standing at the front with me and Shinji behind. I slip my hand into Shinji’s and squeeze it. I see a small smile on his face as I turn around and ask him quietly, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah I’m fine! Just a little bit tired, I err…” He blushes as he speaks, “Didn’t get much sleep last night.”

My first instinct is to ask why and then I remember why, and all I can utter is, “Oh!”

Thankfully the elevator door pings open at that moment bringing a halt to this discussion. I step out and loudly proclaim, “Here we are, basement level three, medical facilities, communications and administration. Shall we take a look?”

“Yes let’s.”

We enter the medical wing, I can already smell the familiar hospital smell here. It’s remarkable how they all smell the same, even this one that isn’t being used. I hate the smell of these places, I hate how they look, I hate the way your footsteps sound while in them, I hate them so much. Yet here I am wandering this little section of corridors looking in and out of the various rooms. As this was made for the elite there are loads of individual rooms set aside for any patients who would need them. There are a couple of consultation rooms here and room set aside for surgeries. In each room the equipment is fresh and immaculate.

Fuyutsuki doesn’t say anything as he looks over the varying pieces of equipment. We finally exit the hospital wing, curiously he hasn’t said anything about examining either of us. Has he forgotten or is he planning to ask us at a later time?

“Communications next?”

It’s Shinji’s voice. I can sense a bit of excitement from him when he asks the question. I suppose he wants to learn if there are any other people out there. I suppose he hasn’t thought of the potential danger like I have. He doesn’t have to either, not while I protect him.

Fuyutsuki agrees with him, “Yeah, shall we go?”

We leave the corridor and start walking towards the communication rooms. There is only one room for communication but it’s a fair large room, there is a big screen on one side of the room and several desks set up. I’m presuming they’re for different stations around the world, translating messages and such like. Fuyutsuki moves towards the central station and flips a switch bringing it to life. Various panels light up showing a flat map of the Earth, a few dots are scattered about in other locations. London, Paris, Berlin, Washington, Shanghai. I wonder if these are shelters in those locations or just regular command stations. One light is of course absent, the one labelled Tokyo-3. I suppose that’ll have to be renamed to Crater 001 now. There is a light on near to it though, no label is present but I assume it’s for this shelter.

I suddenly feel butterflies in my stomach as Fuyutsuki scans the map carefully. Not the good kind of butterflies like I had last night. The bad kind, the sort that I felt the moment I saw that lance coming towards me. The kind that told me something bad was about to happen. I wonder for a moment if what we’re about to do, attempting to contact the outside world is such a good idea.

“What do the lights on the map mean?”

My attentions drawn to Shinji question, almost immediately I seize on it. I can’t help it but allowing myself to turn for a little bit of time into that old Asuka keeps the butterflies at bay. He’ll understand, I hope.

“Are you stupid, Isn’t it obvious? Those are all the other major shelters and command shelters active around the world!”

He doesn’t seem bothered by my tone, instead his eyes brighten and he responds immediately, “Active! So you mean there are people in them?”

Fuyutsuki cuts in, “Possibly, all of the locations had back-up generators to allow them to run on emergency power for a substantial amount of time. It could be that they’re in that state right now or they are, as we expect them to be occupied.”

“There is a chance though?”

“Well of course there’s a chance! Didn’t I tell you that a while ago?”

“Can… can we try to contact them?”

He’s really eager and I can’t blame him I guess. He clearly hasn’t thought the same way I have or Fuyutsuki has. I don’t want him to think like that, I really don’t but I have to say something. I quickly try to arrange my thoughts in a way that doesn’t spoil the mood, which is difficult considering it seems to be one of my specialities.

Fuyutsuki hasn’t said anything yet. I was hoping he’d say or do something but it seems he’s completely shed the image of him being our sub-commander now. He’s not wearing the uniform anymore, instead opting for a more casual shirt and trouser combination. He still has that air of authority to him, but that could just be the way I’m looking at it.

“We should probably think of who to contact first, and what to say.”

Finally he has broken his silence and not a moment too soon. Of course I have to open my mouth, “Yeah, the Sub-Commander probably needs to think of a good lie to tell the world about what happened here!”

I’m using my most antagonistic tone, I actually hear Shinji protest, “Asuka!”

“I’m right though aren’t I Fuyutsuki! You know you can’t go on there and just say ‘Oh hello, Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki of NERV, you’re going to need to do what you and the Commander perfected, lie. Otherwise if you run into the wrong people they’ll just shut you out!”

Shinji actually tries to argue back but before he can say anything Fuyutsuki responds, “She’s right Shinji.”

Please don’t mention us, don’t mention the JSSDF, if you really want to make amends Fuyutsuki you will not say anything to upset Shinji. I promise if you do any chance I had of forgiving you is gone, out of the window.

“Before Third Impact SEELE gave the Japanese government false information pinning me and your father as the two planning to initiate Third Impact. They blamed everything on us and this information will no doubt have made it into the hands of other influential people around the world. If I send a signal out as Sub Command Fuyutsuki of NERV there is a chance something bad will happen.”

“But…”

I cut in, “But it’d be true, SEELE were planning Third Impact but it isn’t as if Fuyutsuki and your father weren’t guilty of having their own agenda surrounding it.”

Shinji sighs and bows his head, “I know that… I just-“

Great, now I feel bad I try to recover it, “The rest of the world isn’t as forgiving as you Shinji.”

“I… sorry…”

Damnit he is so frustrating!

“You idiot! That was a compliment!”

“It… oh.”

“As far as the world is concerned it was me and your father who were guilty of starting Third Impact. They still won’t know of an entity called SEELE and those that will are likely to be silent about it. That means that I…”

“Am going to have to act as someone other than Kozo Fuyutsuki to anyone we contact.”

“Exactly… we need to assess the state of the world carefully. I can go under a different name for a time, see what allies NERV has in the world. I know there were others investigating NERV and SEELE not unlike Ryoji Kaji.”

I cringe at the mention of his name, I still remember how I felt about that man. That insane crush I had on him, the way I used to throw myself at him hoping that he’d notice me. The way I’d wear provocative clothing, the way I’d try to get him to be with me all the time. The way I’d think of him on evenings, the things I’d imagine him doing to me. I always told myself I wanted a man like him. That was until I met Shinji.

Then something changed, I started trying to get Shinji to notice me, I started thinking of him and I started imagining Shinji doing things to me. It disgusted me at first, I tried to make excuses for it all. I tried to force myself to think of Kaji. I told myself that I only provoked Shinji to get a reaction out of a weak boy. I feel Shinjis hand in mine and all I can think is that I really don’t deserve it to be there. I think about what we did last night and the way we now hold each other and I wonder if I deserve any of it. Have I really changed from that person or am I just using Shinji to make myself feel better? Am I so desperate for attention that I’m settling for him?

“Asuka?”

I’m stirred from the voice in my head by Shinji’s voice. I’ve never been more thankful to hear it, the questions were spinning around trying to tell me, trying to persuade me that I don’t deserve to be happy, that I’m not a good person. I look at him, I’ve clearly missed something someone has said.

“Huh?”

“Fuyutsuki was saying it might be a good idea to get lunch first and talk about what we’re going to do during it, what do you think?”

I nod and try to act as if nothing was the in my mind, “Yeah good idea! You can work the kitchen here can’t you? I think it’s time you treated me to something good for a change!”

As we leave the room I ask myself a few questions. Am I really a good person? After all I’ve said and done, do my actions over the last six weeks make me a good person? Do I deserve to be here with Shinji? I want to be here, I want to protect him but lingering in the back of my head are all the things I’ve done to him. I can’t help but feel I don’t deserve it. Does Shinji love me like I love him? He said he does but was that true? Why would he love me? I don’t deserve it do I?

I’m just going in circles again and I don’t know why. I’m starting to feel claustrophobic in this area, I can feel my anger rising just being here. I can feel the butterflies in my stomach churning more and I realize I have to get out of here, for a moment. I need to get some air. I turn to the others.

“You guys go ahead, I need to use the bathroom.”

“Sure.”

I can’t believe I’m going against my word and leaving Shinji alone with Fuyutsuki but it’ll only be for a moment, I need to get out of here. I need to be on my own for just a brief moment. I watch as they enter the elevator and ride up to the next floor. I call the elevator again and jump in slamming the button for the surface.

\---

Asuka looked pale when she left us, I hope she is feeling alright. I’m worried about her. She has seemed okay since she broke down in front of me weeks ago but I’m still worried. Maybe she is coming down with something, the nights have been quite cold. I should ask her when she returns but then she’ll probably just tell me everything is fine. Even if there was something wrong would she tell me? In our evenings we talk sometimes but it’s always focused on me. It’s always about how I feel and we never talk about Asuka. The only time we spoke about her was when she broke down in front of me, since then it’s been me.

I don’t know if that is my fault, she is usually the one who asks the questions. She asks me about how I felt when I came to Tokyo 3, she has asked me about my friends and my father. I’ve tried asking her about herself a couple of times but she always shrugs it off. She tells me it’s nothing to be concerned with, she tells me it isn’t that interesting but I know it is. I know she wants to help me but I want to help her too. I don’t want her to have to build up what is inside until it boils over. The night when she broke down scared me.

I wish I was brave enough to just push through her words and get at whatever bugs her. I’m scared she’ll get angry though and leave and I can’t stand the thought of being without her. I need her.

Me and Fuyutsuki enter the restaurant as my thoughts are still occupied by Asuka. We enter the kitchen and I begin to look in the cupboards at the various tinned goods I can maybe make something out of. I notice Fuyutsuki is looking at me curiously.

“Are you alright with doing that, do you need any help?”

I smile back at him, “Oh, I don’t mind. I did the cooking all the time when I lived with Misato and I do most of it now as well. I enjoy it.”

I remember when I first started cooking at Misato’s, it was actually a day or two after I moved in there. I think I had tasted one of her attempts at food and decided from that moment on I’d do as much cooking as I could. It’s strange because usually I don’t think I’m very good at things despite others giving me praise for it. When it comes to cooking I know I’m pretty good, I enjoy looking through recipes and even looking through cooking books for things to try.

Unusual that I started through necessity, I thought if the Angel’s don’t kill me then Misato’s cooking would have done and ended up enjoying it. Asuka on the other hand, she cooked for us once or twice while she lived with us and it was good. She was as would be expected for someone like her very capable but she just chose to not do it.

“I see… You’re not like your father in that regard.”

Fuyutsuki looks like he almost immediately regrets mentioning my father but I’m actually interested in what he has to say. I can’t say I hate my father, I certainly don’t love him at this moment and I don’t know if I’ll be able to but I am curious about him. I don’t know much about him besides the bad stuff.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have mentioned him.”

I take a few things out of the cupboards, “No its fine, I… what was he like? Before my mother went into the Eva I mean.”

“Well I told you what he was like before he met your mother, he was a confused and I suppose an angry young man. I know little of his past before my initial meeting with him, I don’t know what made him that way but he did change when he met your mother. He stopped being angry, he became happier and the other lecturers in the University noticed it as well. Despite my initial reservations your mother and father were good for each other in some ways…”

“They did love each other?”

“Very much so, I think whatever Gendo was looking for in his life he found with your mother and the other way round. There were some who claimed Gendo was merely looking for a way to get to SEELE but I never believed that.”

“Even though you didn’t necessarily like him?”

“I trusted your mother’s judgement. Yui was a brilliant student, she was very clever but I don’t think she was a bad judge of character. She saw something in your father others couldn’t and she was able to bring that to the surface. It had a profound impact on him, he seemed able to let go of his past and that included his surname.”

“He took my mother’s name didn’t he?”

“Yes, back in those days that was a rare thing to happen. Nowadays it’s not quite as rare but it’s still common place for the woman to take the man’s name, or even for them to adopt a double barrel surname. Your father took your mother’s name with ease.”

“Did you ever see them together?”

“Only after you were born and I had joined NERV. He was… a good father. Nervous around you I suppose as fathers tend to be but he was good. He had no problems taking care of you and doing everything from feeding to changing. He did love you.”

I fight back the burning in my eyes at hearing his words, I don’t want to cry here. I’ve done too much crying recently but this isn’t from sadness. It’s happiness because they’re words I had wanted to hear for a long time. Despite all he has done to me I still wanted to know, I had to know and I’ll never hear them from him so hearing them like this is enough.

“Shinji, when your mother vanished so did everything your father gained in that time. He reverted to the scared man I used to know but instead of getting into bar fights he put his effort into something else. A path we shouldn’t have gone down and that I should have stopped. Those things I just said, they’re true. Your father did love you and even after the incident I know he did but don’t think that you have to forgive him, don’t think you have to forgive me. Despite her anger and how she comes across Asuka is right… we don’t deserve forgiveness.”

I lower my head listening to his words. I’ve heard Asuka mention that a lot, how she can’t forgive certain people at that mock gravesite I made. People like Fuyutsuki, Ritsuko and although she didn’t mention him directly my father. I wonder about the concept of forgiveness. I wanted Asuka to forgive me so much after all I did to her, she wanted my forgiveness but parts of us still wanted to forgive ourselves. Even if we did forgive each other our thoughts still remain because we can’t forgive ourselves.

When Fuyutsuki says he doesn’t deserve forgiveness is it forgiveness from me he doesn’t deserve? From Asuka? Or from himself?

“Haven’t… wasn’t Third Impact, Instrumentality punishment enough though? Learning that the worlds you were in were false, only being able to find false happiness? By coming back you’ve already been forgiven in some respect.”

He chuckles, “I didn’t expect someone like you to come out with something so profound… I suppose that’ll be the influence of your mother.”

I nod, “Maybe, I had a lot of help during Third Impact… from her, from Rei, Kaworu and even Asuka.”

“Asuka as well? You two have a strong bond it seems.”

I blush thinking about just how strong that bond is after last night, “Yeah… she, helped me a lot.”

“I’m glad to hear it.”

\---

Finally the elevator reaches the surface as I run outside and take in some of the air. I don’t feel sick anymore but I am still shaking. I allow myself a few moments of this weakness outside as I lean against the wall. I’m trying hard to get all of the thoughts out of my mind or supress them somehow. I try to tell myself I’m an idiot for thinking I’m a bad person and that whatever I did in the past I have to forgive myself for it. I try to tell myself I’m a good person and I do deserve to be loved.

I’ve been waiting for something like this to happen again but I just didn’t expect it to be here while they were around. I was hoping it’d be in an evening when I could deal with it on my own quietly and discretely but I never really get what I want. It’d help if I even knew what I wanted. I don’t want to appear weak in front of people, I don’t want to have to rely on them but in the back of my mind that is exactly what I want to do. I want to have to suppress my weakness anymore, I don’t want to put on that front yet I have to do it. I have to do it because I said I’d protect him for the both of us and if I appear weak in front of him then I can’t protect him. He’ll lost his confidence in me, just like when I lost in the Eva they lost confidence in me.

“You’re such an idiot Asuka, you think he’d abandon you that quickly?”

I say the words aloud hoping that hearing them will maybe let me actually absorb them and believe them.

“You think after all you have gone through together that Shinji would just abandon you for being nervous or scared? You think he’s bothered by that, he loves you and that includes your weaknesses. He’s forgiven you for what you did like you forgave him, what are you so afraid of?”

I have no response for that. I don’t really know what I am afraid of. I made a decision a long time ago that I’d never cry in front of people again, that I wouldn’t need or rely on people ever again. I made that decision when I was four years old after my mother died. She was the one person I needed and relied on and I was abandoned by her. Making those vows turned me into an unpleasant person and I know that. It lead me down a path where I helped Shinji nearly chose to end the world.

I know in the end he didn’t and I know that it was in part to do with me that he chose not to. I can’t remember what I said after I made the decision to go back to him, after I learned he was calling out to me. I don’t know if it was him seeing something in my life that caused him to not do it but it was done and we decided to come back. Yet I’m constantly questioning what I should do, how much of the wall I built around me I should break down and how much I should leave in place.

Maybe it’s Shinji’s fault too, he asks me questions and I casually shrug them off. I tell him I’m alright when I’m not, I tell him things aren’t important when they are. He leaves it at that and allows me to dictate the flow of our conversations. If he tried a bit more, maybe I’d reveal more to him. Or maybe that’s just wrong, I shouldn’t rely on him to push at me to reveal myself.

“I hate this!”

I look at my watch and decide I should probably get back. They’ll probably start wondering where I am. I start to walk back into the shelter and my attention is suddenly drawn to something in the distance.

I look out and I can hear something, a faint sound almost like a helicopters rotor. I look out towards the direction I think it’s coming from and I can see something clearly. A black object in the distance moving away from me towards the ocean.

My heart starts to beat faster again as I quickly rush back inside the cabin. I don’t know whether to be excited or scared. There are others out there but who exactly?

\---

Asuka enters the room just as I’m in the middle of putting out the food. I look over and call over to her, “Asuka you were gone a while is everything alright?”

“Yes fine, I thought I left something in the car so I had to go and check that.”

“Oh, what was it?”

“Nothing important, don’t worry about it. Just bring my lunch over, I’m starving.”

I set out the three bowls on the table and we begin to eat in silence. There is something different about Asuka, she keeps on looking between me and Fuyutsuki as if she wants to say something. She looks almost nervous about something. It’s not something I’ve seen from Asuka. Maybe I should ask her but then probably not while Fuyutsuki is here. I’ll wait until we’re alone.

We finish eating and again in silence move out of the restaurant. I wonder if maybe I should go back and wash our dishes but the two of them insist that it can wait. Asuka reminds me that it isn’t like anyone is around to tell us off for leaving a mess.

“Was there any sort of procedure put in place in case Third Impact did happen?”

“There were plans for varying levels of disaster.”

“So what would they be?”

“It would have depended on how severe the Impact was. Only those in a select inner circle was really aware of what Third Impact meant so other world leaders went off of speculation. It was always assumed it’d be worse than the Second Impact but it was an assumption so they had to cater for other outcomes. Anything from just the city to the entirety of the world was considered.”

“Did you know of any plans?”

“Some, because I had visited the site of Second Impact and had investigated it I was consulted on a number of things. How safe the environment was around the site of Second Impact, the effects on electronic equipment, wildlife, and so on. It was admittedly difficult to answer some questions, the Second Impact as you know happened in what was already an inhospitable area in the Antarctic so if one was to happen in Tokyo-3 we could only guess.”

He pauses for a moment, “Each country had their own plans for its citizens and survival though. Just as it would have been at the height of the cold-war. It’s impossible to say whether any plans made would have been carried out as there were so many variables in play.”

“What would have been the first thing they’d have done though?”

“I suppose depending on the level of alliance with Japan or NERV once they’re established and back on their feet they’d investigate the source of the Impact. If possible which given what we’ve seen of the state of the world is doubtful. Why are you asking?”

Asuka shakes her head, “No particular reason, I just think the more we know about what other countries and governments might have had planned will aid us when we make contact with them. If we know what various allies had planned it’ll help us know who we can trust. Knowledge is power and that sort of thing.”

“A wise precaution, our main allies were the United Kingdom and Germany so I’d probably advise contacting them first. America and Russia were wary of us, especially when it came to allowing us to build Evangelion Units within Japan. We eventually had to compromise and allow Units and spare parts to be built in a number of locations around the world this was of course on the provision that Unit 00 and Unit 01 were built in Japan.”

I cut in, “Why were they wary of us building the Evangelion Units in Japan?”

“For the same reason they were wary of having Evangelion equipment build in Germany. Despite the years the nations still have an underlying mistrust of one another. They felt the building of these Units should be handled at locations around the world rather than focused in our sites in Germany and Japan.”

“Considering the attacks were going to happen in Japan, that seems stupid. Unless they weren’t aware of that?”

“They were aware Asuka, we were able to persuade them that we knew the Angels would attack this site in Japan. The existence of Lilith beneath NERV was known to a few select people, even then the Americans tried to insist we move Lilith.”

“Something you guys were unwilling to do?”

“It got shot down fairly quickly, they were reminded of what happened the last time an Angel like entity was disturbed.”

Finally we arrive at the communications room and Fuyutsuki makes his way over to the main console. Me and Asuka stand at the back of the room watching, I slip my hand into hers again and whisper.

“Is everything alright Asuka?”

“Fine.”

She doesn’t turn to look at me, nor does she smile. I squeeze her hand a bit, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

I look at her face again and see she is nervously biting her bottom lip, again I squeeze her hand. I’m really not very good at this, I need to be brave and just push through but I don’t want to make her angry.

“I know… I’m not very good at this but I’m here if something is wrong…”

Finally she smiles and turns to look me directly in the eyes, “I know, thank you.”

Brushed off again but she doesn’t seem to be getting angry. I almost want to try again but a noise suddenly sounds out from the console. I can feel us both instantly tense up as Fuyutsuki positions a microphone closer to himself.

“Um… hello, I’m… calling from a shelter just outside of Tokyo-3 to anyone out there. There was an incident, an explosion and I… made it to this shelter… to anyone out there, please respond…”

He turns the microphone off and turns to us both, “And now we wait…”

Asuka applauds, “Great performance, going for the scared old man routine. How long do you think we’ll have to wait?”

As soon as she asks her question there is another noise from the console, he turns back to the screen.

“Not long at all it seems.”

A voice rings out, the person speaking has what I recognize to be an English accent but they’re speaking Japanese. I can’t believe it, there are others out there! Asuka was right and we aren’t alone!

_“Kanagawa Shelter 001, this is NERV-United Kingdom. Are you receiving this message?”_

“Yeah… we are. Thank you, I was so-“

“Thank you sit, can you tell me. Is there anyone else with you at this moment in time?”

Fuyutsuki turns around looks at both me and Asuka. Asuka shakes her head, “No… I’m alone.”

_“And can you tell me what happened?”_

“I-I… don’t really know. I was at work one day, and there was an explosion and I woke up here on a beach before coming here… please, what is going on?”

_“Sir please relax, we are currently assessing the situation. Can you tell me where you were when the explosion occurred? Were you in or around Tokyo-3?”_

“I-I was in a town nearby, I worked in the city but I was planning on evacuating that day. They were in the process of evacuating us… what happened?”

“Sir, remain calm. We will try to assist as we can. We need just one more piece of information. Do you or any of your relatives work for NERV?”

“NERV? I-I… before the evacuation I did maintenance but I got let go.”

“Thank you for your co-operation. Please remain where you are and stand by for further instructions.”

All sound from the station was suddenly muted as Fuyutsuki turns around to meet our stares. I can sense it already, something seemed off about that conversation. The person on the other end, the way they responded and suddenly vanished. I can sense by the look on Fuyutsukis face and Asuka’s expression that this wasn’t what we were hoping for. I finally speak saying the words that seems to be on everyones mind.

“We should leave, shouldn’t we?”


	10. Chapter 10

Have you ever had someone aim a gun at you? I hadn’t, until about an hour ago when we came out of that shelter and found ourselves surrounded by a group of men and women all with rifles aimed directly at us. They had no uniform, just a mixture of combat gear and camouflage. All of them were wearing masks and told us not to move as soon as we stepped out. Did they think we were stupid? Like we were going to make a run for it with a six or so rifles aimed at us. I’ve already died once, didn’t like it and it’s not gonna happen again any time soon.

The three of us stood there for a moment, my heart pounding in my chest and hands raised in the air until the leader of this group stepped forward. Removing their mask to reveal a woman who couldn’t have been more than five years older than me or Shinji. Yeah, a fucking woman, the most innocent one you’ve ever seen. With tied up dark brown hair and blue eyes was the leader of this group and they were holding us hostage.

They put us into a minibus and transported us back here. I don’t know who they are, I don’t know how long they’ve been watching us or known of us. It must have been some time because they knew of the apartment where me and Shinji are right now. Only this time I don’t feel quite so safe in here on account of the guard posted outside. I suppose I was right, that must have been a helicopter I saw earlier. I just didn’t expect this to happen. I suppose I was right again to have a bad feeling after Fuyutsuki contacted whoever was in that NERV base in the United Kingdom.

Speaking of Fuyutsuki I don’t know where he is. He was transported separately to me and Shinji. He’s with their leader now I presume. Probably lying to save his own life. I don’t have any faith in him, I don’t trust him and as far as I’m concerned all me and Shinji need is each other.

As it is I’m very angry right now, I’ve not said a word since we returned beyond using some choice language towards the guard. I was sure to tell him in Japanese, German and English what he could do. I’m trying to watch something to calm myself down but it isn’t working, I need something else to relieve this anger, something more physical. I look across at Shinji and contemplate a repeat of last night for a moment but I can’t even do that. Those idiots could come back in any moment and I don’t plan on people seeing us doing that. Maybe I’ll just go and punch a wall instead.

Shinji on the other hand seems calm, he’s barely said anything but he isn’t showing any signs of being scared. He unlike me has had someone aim a gun at him, much more severe than this so maybe this isn’t affecting him. Or maybe he is scared but he just isn’t showing it to try to be brave in front of me. Either way his silence as he sorts our CD’s out is annoying me.

“Hey Asuka…”

Finally he spoke, I shuffle in the seat to face him. “Yeah?”

“What’s a ‘Hogweed’?”

I’m going to kill him. Of all the questions, of all the things to say at this precise moment in time he says that. He doesn’t ask about the group that seem to be holding us captive. He doesn’t ask how I’m feeling, he doesn’t comment on how I’m feeling. He asks what a ‘Hogweed’ is.

“What?”

“I was… just wondering, it’s a track on one of these album, ‘The Return of the Giant Hogweed.’ I was just wondering what one was…”

I’ll humour him for this moment, “It’s a plant. The song is about the spread of a giant plant that someone brought back from Russia to England. For some reason Peter Gabriel was inspired to write a song about it coming alive and killing everyone… is that really an appropriate thing to ask right now?”

“Sorry… I guess not.”

“You know, you’re really calm considering the situation.”

There is a bitterness in my voice when I say those words. I hate that he can seem so calm while I have no choice but to outwardly show my anger and frustration. I can’t hide it. I see him shake his head slightly and then turn to gaze out of the window, “I’m not calm… I just, I don’t know what to do Asuka. I’m terrified, I don’t know anything and you and Fuyutsuki seemed so calm… I didn’t want you to think I was…”

He couldn’t tell I was scared? The idiot was actually trying to stay calm because he thought I wasn’t scared. I stand up and go over to the window and kneel down next to him. I take his hand and place it on my chest just where my heart is so he can feel it beating quickly, “Idiot, I’m scared too.”

He keeps his hand in place for a moment before gently removing it and placing it on my knee instead, “I was just, trying to not think of it. Who were those people?”

All I can do is shrug, “I don’t know. I don’t think they’re NERV or JSSDF otherwise they’d have uniforms but who knows how much the world has changed over the last six weeks...”

“Do you think Fuyutsuki is alright?”

Again I shrug, “Who knows? I don’t know what to think about that man.”

“You don’t trust him do you?”

“No, I don’t and I don’t know how you can either. Not after what he did to us, not after he…”

I’m about to mention how Fuyutsuki might have known about the MP Eva’s abilities so that I wouldn’t have been defeated like I had been. I’m about to talk about how Fuyutsuki worked with Shinji’s father. I’m about to give a list of reasons but what’s the point? I was angry yesterday, I was angry last night and I’ve been angry most of today. Why add more to it.

“…It doesn’t matter. I just don’t trust him alright?”

“I don’t either…”

“Really?”

Shinji turns and looks back out of the window, “He… worked with my father and knew what he was going to do. He knew about SEELE, he knew about my mother and he did nothing. He could have helped us, he didn’t want to be a part of it either but he let it happen. I… don’t trust him but he came back, he made the choice to come back when he could have stayed there and that has to count for something. I think, if people come back they deserve a chance to be forgiven.”

I look out the window too in the direction of the beach we returned on. I contemplate Shinji’s words for a moment.  I don’t know whether he is an idiot or a wonderful person for what he has just said. Maybe a bit of both.

“What will you do if your father does come back?”

Shinji sighs, “I don’t know, probably shy away and avoid him.”

“Seriously?”

A sweet little smile appears on his face. There is a look in his eyes, a sadness but also strength too, “Yeah… In my head I want to confront him I suppose. I want to tell him everything he did to me and how it made me feel. I want him to acknowledge me as his son and acknowledge his own cowardice but I just… what’d be the point? It doesn’t matter anyway, he got the world he wanted. The one with my mother there, the one where he didn’t have to be ‘afraid’ of hurting me. He can stay there while I carry on here, in reality.”

I once teased Shinji over his need for his father to praise him. I once asked him why he craved acknowledgement from the man I knew as the Commander of NERV. I mocked him for it knowing full well that all I ever wanted in my life was to hear praise and receive love from my mother. As I sit here and listen to Shinji say those words, ask what the point is I can’t help but feel regret for my past life’s actions. I reach up a hand to stroke Shinji on the cheek.

“You… I’m sure… I…”

I don’t really know what to say. So instead I lean forward and at the same time pull Shinjis face towards me. I open my mouth ever so slightly as he does the same and kiss Shinji on the lips. I feel him lift his hand and place it on my arm and gently stroke it. He leans in some more as we continue our kiss.

I suddenly realize something is wrong, in leaning forward I’ve adjusted my legs so I’m balancing awkwardly. I try to shift my legs again but I can’t seem to. I don’t want to interrupt the kiss. Shinji’s hand is now on my hand and running its way through my hair. I’m trying to concentrate on the kiss but I can feel myself going off balance. Fuck it.

Without giving him any warning, I grab a handful of his shirt and wrap my other arm around him and pull him towards me as I finally topple over. Our kiss finally breaks as we hit the floor and I hear him yell out as we hit the carpet with a muted thump.

He looks concerned for a moment until I break out laughing. Shortly afterwards he follows me and we wrap our arms around each other. Through my giggling I’m able to put out an apology. We lie there laughing with each other, holding each other forgetting where we are. Forgetting about the guard outside our door, the guns we had pointed at us and the people they might be. Instead we lie there listening to Peter Gabriel’s stories of little girls and croquet mallets, hogweeds and ancient mystical fountains.

\---

The final notes of the song fade out, I look down and Asuka is nuzzled into my shoulder and tapping out the keyboard section on my side. She looks up at me and prods me on the nose.

“I’m hungry… what are you going to make us for dinner?”

I offer a little shrug as a response. Now that she mentions it I’m hungry as well, it’s been a good few hours since we had lunch. I’m about to get up so I can look at what we have but Asuka presses herself against me.

“Don’t move yet… you’re too comfortable.”

I smile and let my hand run itself through her hair. Instead I try to recall from memory what we have. We just got some supplies yesterday so we should have a few things I can put together. I don’t really want to move either, this has been nice despite our situation. Lying here together and listening to this music. It probably isn’t conventional music for people to snuggle together too but we’re hardly conventional. I also liked hearing Asuka tell me all the stories behind the songs and the band itself, about how this album was the first with the bands new drummer and guitarist. How before certain songs the lead singer would tell a story to the audience. For those forty or so minutes I actually forgot about what had happened to us.

My mind flashes back to them again, that young woman who revealed herself to be the leader. She looked familiar somehow but I can’t figure out why. I’ve never seen her before and nor had Asuka yet there was something about her. I think back to that moment when we emerged from the shelter to have those people stood around us.

I’ve had a gun pointed at me before but that was different. It was after I had visited Asuka in the hospital, I was in the car park in NERV’s basement with my headphones in. My SDAT had long since ran out of battery but I left them in anyway. It dulled the noise of the outside world, the sounds of gun fire and the screams around me. More important it gave me an excuse, I could pretend I hadn’t heard the alarms and hope someone would kill me. That was when it happened, a JSSDF soldier placed a gun next to my head. I remember his words clearly, ‘Nothing personal kid.’

I offered no resistance and I actually welcomed it. I thought I deserved it. That was when Misato saved me. That was when she dragged me to the cages and to Evangelion Unit 01. I look down at Asuka smiling as she rests peacefully on my chest. A strange question forms in my mind. If I had have acted differently then, if I had have demanded Unit 01 fight with me and saved Asuka would we still have had a chance of being like this? I had loved her, I know now she had feelings for me but would we have been able to share them if I had saved her or would we have continued as we had before?

Did it really need to be the end of the world for us to admit it?

Asuka must be aware of my being lost in thought because I suddenly feel her fingers on my stomach stroking the lower part making me jump. I let out a high pitched noise as she laughs at me. That was one thing she found out last night while we were exploring each other, that I’m very ticklish.

“You looked like you were lost in thought, I wanted to bring you back to Earth.”

“Sorry…”

I pull my shirt back down over my now exposed stomach and look towards the kitchen, “So shall we get some food?”

She sits up allowing me to also get up, “I suppose so.”

“What do you want?”

She stands there thinking for a moment, “Pizza! We managed to salvage some frozen ones didn’t we? Just put two of them in the oven.”

“Sure.”

I get up to enter the kitchen when a knock at the door gets both our attention. Still standing I watch as the door opens and the young woman from before enters. She is flanked by one of the other men. He is still wearing a mask so I can’t see his face. Neither me nor Asuka move from the spot as he closes the door behind him. I notice that they aren’t armed. The woman turns and says something to the man, he looks surprised at what she says but then leaves the room leaving only us three in here.

She turns to face us both before bowing her head, “Allow me to apologize first of all for what has happened here. I hope me and my people did not frighten you too much on our arrival.”

Asuka steps forward, as bold as ever. I guess the lack of guns being involved has allowed her a little bit of confidence. I say nothing as I hear her sarcastically reply, “No not at all, six rifles aimed at me, no words and transported here with a guard placed outside where we’re staying. I wasn’t in the least bit scared.”

To my surprise the woman actually chuckles a little bit, “You are exactly as you were described Miss Sohryu. Again I am sorry for any distress we caused you and Mr Ikari… if you’ll allow me the opportunity to explain.”

Asuka replies again, “Go ahead, I’m listening…”

The woman motions to the sofa and we both sit down. The woman however opts to sit on the arm of the chair so she can face us. She pauses for a moment as if she is trying to get her thoughts in order. I still can’t shake the feeling that she seems familiar in some way.

“First I wanted to start by saying we are not your enemies, we are your allies. I know that might seem hard to believe considering the nature of our meeting but I need you to understand that. As you are aware the world has changed…”

“Oh so someone else noticed! What was the giveaway was it the blood red ocean or the giant fucking head sinking off of the shoreline?”

I interject. It isn’t that I disagree with Asuka or I’m not a little bit angry but these people have guns and we don’t. It’s probably best we don’t upset them, “Asuka…”

Asuka folds her arms and sinks back into the sofa as the woman continues, “My group was set up prior to Third Impact, we were… Well I guess many would call us conspiracy theorists at the time. A group of disenchanted people brought together with a need to uncover the truth behind Second Impact, NERV and SEELE.”

I raise my eyebrows suddenly interested in what the woman has to say, “We had a network around the world made up of people who had all lost something in Second Impact and who knew there was more behind it. We are a small group but we have resources, we have people, vehicles, supplies that kind of thing. It was all there in case Third Impact should happen…”

Asuka looked over and snarled, “What do you mean in case it should happen? Look around you, it did happen!”

The woman shakes her head, “Not in the way it was supposed to. The world wasn’t destroyed, the Human Instrumentality Project didn’t occur in the way it was expected to. I can’t imagine what happened but the rest of the world… was spared somehow.”

I’m stunned and I suddenly feel very lightheaded by her words. I don’t know whether to laugh, smile or cry. I look beside me and the scowl hasn’t vanished from Asuka’s face. Neither of us say anything but let her continue.

“That isn’t to say things didn’t change though… I’ve prepared a series of news articles, footage and other documents for you both to look through to get you up to speed on the events of the last six weeks but the short version is this. Six weeks ago the UN declared NERV Japan a terrorist organization. They reported that the Japanese Government had been authorised to use force to halt activities at the facility. A few moments later a large energy spike was detected from Japan which engulfed the entire area. The UN and Governments around the world declared a worldwide state of emergency and mass evacuations occurred with everyone fearing a Third Impact.

There was as you might expect mass panic, those that couldn’t get to shelters stayed in cities. Mass looting occurred, towns razed to the ground and it felt like the end of days was truly here. What happened next is hazy. Those outside the shelters reported seeing a big flash of light and suddenly the energy spike had gone.

Slowly the UN declared the state of emergency over, the governments allowed their citizens back home and declared publically that everyone was safe. They never told the public the cause of the evacuations, they never addressed the flash of light, instead they spun some lies about NERV and stopping some terrorist attacks and that seemed to satisfy the public.”

I speak my first words since she came in, “You mean they… everyone in the world is alright?”

“As alright as they can be. Those were three days of global panic… so naturally it has created a delicate atmosphere around the world. Many countries are still trying to destabilize after what happened. Governments are stretched trying to fix the damage caused by their own citizens and also give aid to less fortunate nations. It is… as you might expect complicated.”

“So that’d explain why no one came for us...”

“Actually Shinji they did try, rescue parties had been sent to Japan but until last week no one was able to get close. On approaching within a certain radius it’d send any navigational equipment haywire. People would enter the area and within moments emerge from the exact point they entered from. It didn’t matter how experienced they were they couldn’t get to this area. We have been trying ourselves for the past two weeks, it was only today that we managed to make our landing.”

“I see…”

“Look I apologize if all of this is a bit vague or overwhelming for you both. I… I can’t begin to imagine what either of you have been through but we are here to help you. Fuyutsuki has already told us some of it. You’re welcome to join us tonight in our camp, we have food and other supplies. Of course if you’d rather be left alone for the evening I understand. I promised my Brother that we would do all we can to help you.”

Asuka looks across at her, “Your brother? I thought this was your group.”

I immediately see a hint of sadness in the woman’s eyes as she bows her head. Not in politeness this time but sorrow, “I… my brother was the one responsible for starting this group. I am just carrying out his wishes. He told me before he died that if you two were able to avert Third Impact that I was to do everything I could to help you both afterwards and I don’t plan on breaking that promise.”

Both me and Asuka bow our heads. Asuka gives a response, lacking in any venom from before, “Sorry… I didn’t know.”

“No, I know you didn’t. I have to say though you two are exactly as he said you would be. Now I have to return to our camp. I’ll leave a radio here, if you need anything please don’t hesitate to contact any of us.”

She turns to leave but before she can I shout out. Her last words, about us being exactly as her brother said we would be. I need to know what she meant, “Wait!”

She pauses and turns to face me, I feel myself go slightly red as I stutter out my question, “I-I-I… your brother… what happened to him? How did he know us?”

She gives a soft smile, “He delved too far one day, got himself caught and was executed…”

Asuka stiffens next to me in shock as we both realize just who this woman is talking about. It can only be one person, “You mean…”

“Yes, Ryoji was my brother. We lost our parents in Second Impact. He was fifteen at the time, I was only about seven. We like many children who lost families at the time were put into care. He took care of me as best he could but we were only kids so he was limited. Eventually we were separated and lost contact with each other. About three years ago he found me again…”

She pauses for a moment to try to collect her thoughts. I feel Asuka shift uncomfortably next to me as well. Admittedly we both knew very little of Kaji. We knew of his past with Misato, we knew he worked for my father and I knew that he wasn’t exactly what he said he was but we didn’t know anything about what might have happened to him during Second Impact.

“Sorry we didn’t know…”

“Its fine, I’m guessing he didn’t tell you any of this?”

We both shake our heads and reply in unison, “Nope.”

“Ryoji never liked to talk about himself. He was always willing to listen to others and their problems but when it came to himself he always avoided the subject. It was just his way. He was a good man, if it wasn’t for him finding me when he did I don’t know what would have happened to me. He rescued me from… well let’s just say I wasn’t in the best place. He found me, he helped me and eventually he told me the truth.”

“He was… I’m sorry about what happened to him.”

“Don’t worry about it… he knew the risks and made us all aware of that. I’ve grieved enough for him as I’m sure you all have, the best we can do is continue to find and expose the truth. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to my camp.”

“Yeah of course…”

She goes to leave but just as she opens the door she turns again, “Rebecca… that’s my name. I realize I forgot to tell you.”

“Rebecca?”

She nods and smiles, “Yeah, not a traditional Japanese name. My parents were in Europe when I was conceived and settled on that as a name for some reason. Kinda fits though don’t you think?”

She leaves the room and we sit in silence. I look across as Asuka who hasn’t moved since Rebecca mentioned Kaji. Kaji meant a lot to Asuka, she took the news of his death just as hard as Misato did. I don’t really know what to say. All I can do is remember the last time we spoke about Kaji, it was when I told Asuka he was gone. She didn’t believe me, she yelled at me and accused me of lying to her.

I take her hand, “Asuka are you…”

“You want to cook those pizzas now?”

“But I…”

She brushes my hand away, “Just… I didn’t realize how little we knew of him.”

I can’t help but feel a little bit envious, “I know… I know how much he meant to you.”

“Idiot, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Y-You do?”

“Yeah I do. Kaji was everything I thought I ever wanted, he was a real man. He was handsome, funny and smart. I know how I used to act around him, I remember it you know…”

“I’m… sorry I’m not those thi-“

“Oh shut up! You know exactly what I had for Kaji was nothing more than some childish fantasy but… I do miss him Shinji because he was nice to us. Despite all of the secrets he was honest to us in some ways and he genuinely cared.”

“I know what you mean.”

“Don’t get me wrong though, he was very handsome but you…”

She pulls herself across me straddling herself over my legs. She runs a finger down my chest seductively before leaning in and kissing my neck. I can’t help but gasp when she does so. Softly she whispers, “You… are far better.”

\---

I roll off of Shinji significantly more satisfied than I was half an hour or so ago. It’s funny that as much as I wanted to try to prove I was an adult I always had this weird thing about sex. I would try to push my own sexuality, make my breasts noticeable to certain people and pretend I had more knowledge than I did to them. I would mock someone like Shinji for not noticing when I presented myself to him and call him boring yet turn around the next minute and call him perverted.

I wasn’t unaware of the things Shinji did when he was on his own in his room. I was sure I even heard him one night which definitely helped me. Amusing that I called him perverted yet I was probably worse. Even in my current state of ecstasy I still feel those little bits of guilt at how much I must have fucked him up.

I try to quell those thoughts and instead roll over draping an arm around him and snuggle into his chest. He places his arms around me and runs his hand through my hair. I listen to Shinjis heartbeat as his chest rises and falls in a steady rhythm. Tonight was certainly different to the first time, I wasn’t as apprehensive this time and neither was he. We were still nervous but at least we had more of an idea of what to do. It also didn’t hurt as much which I was very thankful for.

I glance up and see another red mark on Shinji’s shoulder. I’m hoping that that didn’t hurt as much either. I’m going to have to stop doing that, I don’t want to create a situation where Shinji has to explain red marks on his shoulders caused by me biting down on him. It’s his fault for somehow being so good at it and besides this time I had a reason, I think there is still a guard posted outside the apartment so I had to find something to silence myself.

“I’m err… sorry about your shoulder.”

I feel him laugh, “I didn’t notice, its fine… I don’t mind…”

“Really? Well… that’s good news…”

“Why?”

“Because I plan on marking the other side tomorrow.”

He shifts himself allowing his other warm to go around me and holds me a bit closer. I can feel the sweat from our bodies mixing but tiredness prevents me from caring about that right now. I close my eyes and feel myself start to drift off.

“Hey Asuka…”

I open one eye curiously, that’s Shinjis ‘I’ve been thinking’ voice. I prepare myself to shrug whatever he says off. It can wait until the morning.

“Yeah…”

“You were right… about the others in the world coming back.”

“Of course I was right, that’s what I do. Be right about things. Is there a reason for this statement?”

“No, I just… I guess, just when I didn’t think anyone would return you said they probably already had and you were right. Even though I didn’t know it at the time just you saying it made me believe it was true because…”

“Because I’m perfect in pretty much every single way?”

“Yeah… Thank you, you… if you hadn’t have come back I don’t know what would have happened to me. You… saved me.”

I close my eyes again at hearing those words. I saved him, I actually did something right for a change. I was actually able to carry out something I said I was going to do. I don’t know how I did it, I don’t know why he let me but I’m grateful to him for giving me the chance. I realize that I can actually feel a tear forming in my eye, I’ve never cried of happiness before. I quickly wipe it away and snuggle myself further into him so he can’t won’t get a chance to realize.

“Idiot, go to sleep.”


	11. Cataclysm

**Move on, be brave…**

Within a week of Kaji’s sister and her team arriving we were all relocated to that luxury shelter. Naturally I was against it at first. Shinji and I already had somewhere we were living but then people started reappearing at the beach. A mixture of former NERV personnel and JSSDF troops, they were confused. They didn’t know what was happening and in the case of the JSSDF troops still ready to carry out their mission. For those reasons we decided that it was best we were out of that town. I can’t handle the idea that something might happen to Shinji because of my stubbornness.

Fortunately Rebecca seems to have quite a way with words and was able to quell any arguments and get everyone on the same page. I have to admit I was impressed, the JSSDF had been ordered to kill anyone associated with NERV before Third Impact. That goal was still imprinted on them and NERV staff had witnessed friends and colleagues be mowed down by these people. Some of them might have even died themselves. Rebecca had somehow managed to alleviate any tension. I suppose the promise of fresh food and a warm room in relative luxury helps.

So in the course of around one week our small group has grown from just myself and Shinji to three, then to ten and now we sit at around thirty. It was strange at first seeing these people seemingly return from the dead but I suppose I had returned so why couldn’t other people. I don’t understand how it all works, I don’t really want to know but I guess all the souls of the recently dead around the time of Lilith’s awakening were caught up in it somehow.

People have always asked themselves the question about what happens after we die. Do we just fade into nothingness or does the spirit carry on? I guess we now know the answer, of course it depends on if you have an awakened Seed of Life nearby. I flirted with a stupid idea when I saw these people return, all souls were caught up in Third Impact… did that mean my mother was there as well? I remember her being there with me in the Eva. Was she a part of it as well? I remember seeing her there during it. It was after I visited Shinji, I was taken to my mother but I wonder, was that really her or was it an illusion conjured by my mind.

If it was really her can she come back as well? I looked out across the sea on the day I thought this. Shinji was next to me and I remember not even having to say anything to him about it. He knew what I was thinking. He asked me if I saw her and I nodded my body trembling as I did. I couldn’t speak because I knew if I said anything I’d break down in tears. For all my fighting that urge it didn’t matter because when he held me I did anyway.

For what it’s worth I don’t think she’ll return. I don’t think outside of that experience of Third Impact and the pictures I have of her I’ll ever see my mother again. I don’t mind though because I finally got the opportunity to say goodbye to her properly, I finally got to hear her voice one more time and I finally had the chance to hear her say ‘I love you Asuka’ and that’ll be enough for me.

\---

“Um… Asuka… do we really need all of these?”

I look around nervously watching out for anyone nearby as Asuka disappears once again into the room in the market. I will never get used to this. I look down in the trolley at the stack of video games she has thrown in there alongside other things.

“…besides you know we could have just asked one of Rebecca’s people to get this for us.”

She finally emerges from the room with a games console in her hands and a few accessories. She glares at me like I’ve said something stupid, which to be fair is likely. She places the console into the trolley and takes it from me.

“Yeah we could have done that Shinji but you forget this isn’t everything we came here for and as much as we get on with her people I’m not quite at the stage where I’m comfortable saying, ‘Hey Rebecca do you think you and your people could go out steal us a Playstation, a few games, controllers oh and condoms too so me and my boyfriend can fuck!’ Think about it for a moment Shinji.”

I feel myself glow red at her words. I’m still not quite used to talking about that or putting it in terms like that. It’s not that I don’t enjoy us doing… that I just, I don’t know talking about it makes me nervous. She is right though, we probably couldn’t say anything to imply we were doing that to them. A few eyebrows were raised when we said we were sharing a room but Fuyutsuki managed to salvage that by saying that we lived together when Misato was here. It was best for us. I think only he and Rebecca knows that we’re a couple and even then I don’t think that’s approve if they knew we were doing that sort of thing.

I’m for once thankful Misato isn’t here, she’d probably see right through us. She’d probably kill us or tease us and celebrate us being a couple by trying to do something for us, like cook for us which would in turn likely kill us. Either way I’m sure we’d die.

“You’re right…”

“Of course I am, besides its good that we get out of that place on our own for a while. For the past two weeks we’ve been getting surrounded by more and more people. So a bit of time to ourselves is good.”

“Yeah I know what you mean.”

I find it strange speaking those words considering just two weeks ago we were in that exact situation and we both longed for more people to return. Now they have done we’re talking about how nice it is to be alone. I suppose that’s one of the strange things about being human, you always manage to contradict yourself.

“How many people have returned now?”

“They’ve picked up another twenty in the past week so that brings us to around fifty so far. We’re starting to see that place come to life, Fuyutsuki is enjoying himself as the chief doctor in there. Other people are volunteering for different roles, a few hobbyist gardeners have taken up residence in the lower levels starting to grow things for us. We even have the cafeteria staff manning the restaurant.”

I shoot her a curious glance, “The cafeteria staff?”

“Yeah for some reason they refused to evacuate when the order was given. They wanted to ensure the people who helped to save the world didn’t go without a good meal. If that was the case they probably should have evacuated.”

We laugh at her joke and continue through the aisles making our way back out towards the car. Asuka takes some of the stronger bags from the front of the store and starts to put a few of the items in there.

“You know one day we’ll have to start bringing the ones we’ve already taken back with us. The whole point of these things is you get one and re-use it. We just keep on getting them and leaving them behind.”

She shrugs, “Not my fault you keep forgetting, besides you never know when you might need a few spare bags.”

“I think we have about twenty…”

“Well we’re prepared aren’t we?”

I don’t even dare to ask what we’d need to be prepared for that’d involve twenty reusable bags so I instead just load the stuff into the back of the car. Asuka quickly dives in and grabs the console and clutches it tightly as she gets into the front passenger seat of the car. I guess that means I’m driving.

I’m just glad to see her happy. When we returned I was terrified that we’d be the only ones and that we’d have to survive all alone. I was scared of her about what she would do to me for all I have done and I was scared she’d abandon me. Yet it didn’t happen. For six weeks we were together on our own. Making each other feel better and finally getting over those issues that separated us. We finally found some happiness that we needed. It was just as my mother had said.

We made that apartment and this world our own little paradise despite all the desolation. It was like my mother had said, anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live. I understand those words now.

\---

Fuyutsuki finally got to give me and Shinji those medical exams he had wanted to give us when he first came back. Thankfully the bite marks on Shinji’ shouldn’t weren’t noticeable and he wanted nothing more than a quick look at us and a blood test. It turns out there is nothing wrong with us and exposure to this atmosphere has caused no problems at all. I knew that’d be the case but I have to admit I was a little bit nervous that something might be wrong.

Our group has grown yet again to around eighty or so people now. We actually have an administration section now managing people records. It’s been calm though, any potential animosity has been quelled by Rebecca and her group which has grown in size as well. A few JSSDF members who had returned and when they learned the truth decided to join them. NERV security also decided to as well. I guess that makes sense, it’s not like NERV is a thing anymore.

The only thing I dislike is that as the group expands I get left out of the loop. I know Shinji doesn’t mind being out of the loop, he’s happy to just spend his time with me or even helping out in one of the kitchens but I don’t like it. I want to know what is happening but they’re keeping me in the dark. If there hasn’t been any news from the outside world or if there is a problem they probably think it’s for the best but they don’t understand my need to know. They don’t, they can’t understand what me and Shinji went through and they can’t understand my need to protect him and keep him safe and that starts with me knowing as much as I can.

I realize just now how hypocritical that must seem. I’m demanding to know the truth, thinking I deserve to know all because I have this aim of dissecting it for the bad parts to hide from Shinji so he doesn’t get hurt. I just, don’t want to worry him he’s been through enough and as for me… I can handle it.

\---

No one is really sure why but ever since Fuyutsuki returned and Rebecca’s people arrived it seems to have opened the floodgates for others to return. It’s been four weeks since he returned and in that time we’ve had over a hundred people return. According to Fuyutsuki there were probably around one hundred and fifty in the area at the time of Third Impact including the JSSDF troops so if this carries on we’ll eventually have everyone. Except for those who wish to remain behind.

Fuyutsuki makes an effort to talk to us whenever he can. He tries to tell us what he is able to about the people who return. He has told us that no one seems to remember what happened during their time in the sea, they don’t remember deciding to come back nor do they remember being part of everyone else’s consciousness. Fuyutsuki himself said he doesn’t remember it but it seems to be a pattern with the others that have followed. It looks like myself and Asuka are the only ones who can remember what happened during that process.

The more people that return the more I begin to wonder if any of them will return. I don’t know how to feel about some of them. I don’t not want them to return but I’m conflicted on how I’ll feel if all but one ended up returning or if just one of them came back. I wonder what it really takes for them to come back. For me and Asuka it seemed so simple is it more difficult for the others? Is it because they’re older? They have deeper desires than we did? Do they just not want to come back?

When I came back I put up nine markers, Asuka has already kicked hers down when she came back so that means eight are left. Fuyutsuki has seen the markers but he left his standing. He said it represented the man he used to be, not the one he wants to be moving forward. One of the markers is for Rei. I don’t know if she will return to us. I don’t know if she can. She became Lilith and the other Ayanami’s were destroyed by Dr Akagi. What about her soul though? Won’t that be out there somewhere, can that not just manifest itself? I tried asking Fuyutsuki and he told me he didn’t know. He said that when it comes to Rei, Lilith, Adam and the Evangelions that humans were playing with things they shouldn’t have been playing with. We were entering a domain we never had a right to enter.

I guess I’d just like the chance to see her again properly. Not that I understand what she is and how she helped me. I’d like to thank her and welcome her as the only family I really have.

That is aside from Misato, that’s the one I look for first. It’s the one Asuka looks out for first as well. We keep on looking out for a sign of her red jacket and purple hair but she hasn’t shown up yet. I wonder if she ever will or if she can. At first I wondered if it was because she died before it all started but plenty of people who came back died before she did. So why hasn’t she came back yet? Does she just not want to?

I don’t think I’ll ever see my father again. Asuka once asked me what I’d do if I did see him again and all I told her was that we won’t see him again. I’m certain of that and I don’t know if this is bad but I can’t feel anything about that man. I don’t feel sad that I won’t see him. I guess it’s because he got what he wanted and he no longer has to be afraid of me anymore. He can live in those constructed worlds not having to fear me because he’ll have my mother there. He’s ran away while I’m still here moving forward.

I told Asuka about that, that the reason my father did what he did was to see my mother again. The reason he had no contact with me was because he was so frightened of hurting me he just pushed me away. She got angry and called him a coward and several other words in a mixture of Japanese and German that might have raised a few eyebrows if anyone was around to hear them. She actually apologized for getting angry afterwards realizing that despite what he did the man was still my father.

That much is true, Gendo Ikari is still my father but I agree with Asuka. He was all those things she called him and he was a coward. If he wasn’t then he’d be here right now trying to make things right, begging for some form of forgiveness but he won’t return. I’m alright with that. I don’t need him in my life anymore, I don’t need his approval and I don’t need his fear.

Despite all this I'm still trying to fight that small piece of me that wants his approval. It wants him to say well done and show he is proud of me. A small part of me that no matter how angry I am with him, how much I try to kid myself I don't care focuses on gaining his words of kindness. It is only a small part but it can be loud and it can hit at anytime. Maybe what I said before about not feeling anything about him wasn't true. That small part of me does feel something and I can't get rid of it. Maybe that is a good thing.

It was not my father me and Asuka were looking out for today though, as usual it was Misato. As the bus brought the few people back to the shelter she was of course not to be seen. Aside from Fuyutsuki none of the people we knew have been found.

We turn around and go back into the shelter lobby. Asuka calls for the elevator as I wonder why no one else has come back yet.

"Asuka... do you think this is my fault?"

I can see her roll her eyes, "What are you talking about?"

"All of the people we knew... Misato, Akagi, the bridge team none of them have come back yet. I was wondering if, well I was wondering if maybe it was my fault they hadn't. Maybe something I had done had stopped them..."

"Like what?"

"I don't know..."

She leans against the wall of the elevator as it begins its journey down.

"Did you state any conditions that certain people couldn't return?"

"Well... no I didn't..."

"Well then how can it be your fault they haven't returned?"

"Yeah I know, you're right."

She grabs my hand and leads me off into the corridor towards our room, "Of course I am."

As soon as we enter the room she pins me up against the wall and kisses me firmly. She immediately starts to unbutton my shirt as I return the kiss and run my hand along her side. I shudder slightly as her hands meet my chest. She drags her nails down my chest and over my stomach stopping just slightly above the button on my jeans.

I slide my hand up her shirt and all along her body as I turn her around and pin her up against the wall. I pull away from her kiss as she smiles at me knowingly. She finishes removing my shirt as I remove her. My hands move to her bra and within moments we’re both stood topless. We continue to kiss, our tongues meeting and exploring each other’s mouth. My hands focus on her body, I make her gasp as one hand runs along her breast. I moan into her mouth as she slides a hand into my jeans.

I pull away from her and lead her towards the bed. She pushes me down and mounts me and leans in softly biting my shoulder. As we look away our eyes meet, her eyes full of desire and I’m sure mine are too.

We’re about to go further when a loud beeping is heard from the corner of the room. She sits up and pulls away from me.

“Urgh, just as we were getting to the good bit. What the hell could they want?”

I contemplate telling her to ignore it, that we could just pretend we didn’t hear it. It could be important though. She climbs off of me and picks up the receiver.

“Yeah?”

I watch as her expression changes, “I thought you guys brought all of them in…”

Another pause as she listens to the person on the other end. I shoot her a look of concern as I wonder what is happening, “Yeah… we’ll be there immediately.”

She puts down the receiver and goes to collect her clothes from the floor.

“Looks like we’re going to have to put our little bit of fun on hold for now.”

“What happened?”

“They found someone else just now, someone we know and want us to be there when they bring them in. So put your shirt back on and make sure you’re presentable.”

She walks over to me winks and kisses me on the lips, “My delicious perverted Shinji.”

\---

As we ride the elevator up to the surface me and Shinji can’t keep our hands off of each other. He keeps on touching me, running his hand along my backside and kissing my neck. I’m just as bad doing the same to him. Damnit why did they interrupt us just before we were about to start. This is the worst feeling ever.

Even worse is the tension I feel knowing who is on their way back. I haven’t told Shinji who it is yet. I don’t know if he has guessed at all, he seems far more interested in my body. I push him away as we reach the surface and the door begins to open.

“You’re adventurous today Shinji, don’t worry we’ll resume when we get back.”

We exit the elevator and walk out into the evening. Unlike the other times when they bring people back there is no group to welcome this person back. I feel Shinjis arms around me.

“Did… they say who it was?”

“No. Just someone we knew.”

I hate lying to him but I have a reason, I want to see his reaction when this person does return.  I want to see the joy on his face.

“I see… so it could be any of them.”

“Yup.”

I look down the road and see the silhouette of a vehicle moving towards us. That must be Rebecca back with our special guest. I release myself from Shinjis grasp and turn towards him.

“We’ll have to do a little bit of acting for a moment, don’t want to scare this person back into Instrumentality.”

“Huh?”

The vehicle comes closer eventually coming to a stop in front of us. I can see her already. Her purple hair, her red jacket and her eyes darting all around the landscape taking in this new world. I can hear Shinji behind me, he’s seen her as well now.

“Misato…”

I realize I’m smiling as she steps out of the car and looks towards the two of us. She looks stunned as her eyes dart back and forth between us. I can see her lip tremble as she struggles to speak.

“Shinji…”

She darts past me straight towards Shinji pulling him into a hug that almost crushes him. She finally came back, the little family has finally been reunited.

“Oh my god, you’re… alive. I can’t believe it, I… Shinji… you…”

I watch as the two of them embrace, tears flowing freely down the faces of the two of them. Shinji can barely speak.

“Misato… you came back…”

“I know… I’m sorry it took so long. They said it’s been ten weeks since everything happened. I’m so sorry Shinji, I didn’t know… I didn’t know what was happening.”

She kneels down and the two of them continue to hug one another and I continue to watch. I’m happy for him. Shinji is happy and Misato is happy, like I said the little family is reunited. I’m so happy I can see the burning of tears behind my eyes. I look at the two of them, the guardian and her adopted son. She’s holding him so tightly and he’s so very happy.

I guess… he has what he needs now. He’s happy but what am I? I realize that I’m not a part of this happiness, I’m not a part of this family. I have no right to be. I was horrible to Misato, I was horrible to Shinji. I made a promise to protect Shinji and help him. I love him but now. Misato is back and she can protect him more than I can. We have this home now. Where does this leave me?

I’m still watching the two of them realizing that the tears in my eyes aren’t from happiness. It’s because I feel like I’m about to lose my purpose. Without saying a word I turn around and walk towards our car. I take the keys out of my jacket pocket and I enter leaving them to their embrace.

\---

Misato nearly knocks me off of my feet as she runs towards me and holds onto me tightly. It isn’t long before I’m crying. All I can do is stutter out her name as I wrap my arms around her and bury my head into her shoulder. She finally came back, I’ve been hoping for this moment for ten weeks. Watching for a sign of her, looking out with every group that returned for a sign of that red jacket and purple hair.

I was so worried that she wouldn’t return. I was so worried that she would stay in there or wouldn’t even be able to return. I was so worried I had lost her forever. I never had a chance to apologize to her, I never had a chance to thank her for taking me in and being the closest thing to a parent anyone has been for ten years.

I pull away from her wiping my eyes and smile widely. I can still barely speak and as our tear stained eyes meet I realize neither can she. I step away and quickly reach behind my neck and unclip the necklace, her necklace that I’ve been wearing every day since I came back.

I still can’t say anything but I hold it out to her and she looks at me in amazement.

“You… you kept it.”

All I can do is nod, if I speak I’m just going to break down and cry again.

“Shinji I… I… thank you…”

She takes the necklace off me and fixes it around her neck. It’s going to be strange not wearing that cross around me but it was only mine until she returned. Asuka always questioned why I wore it when I could have just left it behind. It was a stupid reason, I thought that if I wore it maybe Misato would feel that somewhere. Maybe she’d know that we were thinking of her and wanted her back.

“Misato I… I… I’m… sorry about what happened… about how I was… I… it was because of me you… and…”

I can’t speak all I can do is cry as the memories of what happened ten weeks ago come flooding back to the surface. It’s still so clear in my mind. Even though I seemed so out of it I can remember every word that was said. I can remember each and every moment of it. I can remember every scream from above and below. I can still remember what I did to Asuka and what happened to her in that fight. I know she forgave me and she tells me what every time I tell her about it. She tells me she forgives me and she holds me. Just like when I know she is having a nightmare or when she asks me what she has done to deserve any ones love I hold her.

Misato pulls me towards her again and holds me tightly. She whispers softly into my ear.

“Shinji… it doesn’t matter now. I’m alive, you’re alive. We’re lived through it, we survived and we came back. That’s all that matters. What you did in the past was the past, how you were then… I… I know I was hard on you and I’m sorry but we have to move forward. Both you and Asuka.”

I nod knowing that she is right. That’s exactly what me and Asuka have done since we came back. We moved on, we forgave each other for whatever the other did. We allowed ourselves to admit the love we felt for each other and it felt good.

Misato can’t see it but I grin slightly. She won’t know about me and Asuka yet, I can’t wait for her to find out. I can’t wait to see her face when she finds out the two of us finally admitted we liked each other. Asuka told me that Misato probably knew all that time, that was probably why she kept on encouraging us to do things together. I look around and notice an empty spot where Asuka was previously standing.

“So Shinji… where is Asuka? Don’t tell me she thinks she can escape this as well.”

My heart sinks instantly as I see no trace of Asuka anywhere. I look at where she was standing and look in the direction of where we last parked the car. It’s gone. Asuka has gone. Shit.

“Misato… we… she had, I have to go…”

I start to move back to the shelter to get the keys to one of the other automatics but Misato pulls me back a concerned look in her eyes.

“Shinji, what’s going on?”

I don’t know how to explain this to her. I know exactly what has happened, I understand Asuka more than I used to. I know what has happened. Misato came straight to me, she saw how happy we were and it scared her. I know it did and I know exactly where she went. I suppress the urge to call her and idiot out loud. I know where Asuka will have gone but I don’t know how to explain this to Misato.

“She… me and her… I’ll explain on the way…”

\---

What the hell did I do that for? I throw myself down on the couch in the old apartment and question exactly why I did that. What the hell was I so scared of? Did I not expect the re-union of Shinji and Misato to be like that? I’m such and idiot.

I’m coming to the realization that I’ve probably done it again. A few moments after I ran off they’ll both realize I’m not there. Shinji will get worried about me and upset. He’ll probably blame himself for me doing this. Misato will question it and probably think I’m a petulant bitch for running off. Just what the hell am I? Why do I have to be like this?

I’ve been good lately, I’ve not been angry. I’ve not been upset. I’ve listened to him, I’ve tried to talk about my problems and I’ve admitted I need him in my life. That I need other people and being alone isn’t the way to be for me. Yet I saw that there, I saw that bond they had and I just… it scared me. Was it because I thought I wouldn’t get that from Misato? That the motherly bond she has with Shinji isn’t what she has with me?

I was always an outsider in their world. I forced my way into Misato’s care claiming it’d be useful for me to live with the captain and that as two women we would bond. I actually said that! What a load of crap, the reason I wanted to be there is because I was fucking terrified of being alone. From day one I longed for closeness from them but I made up excuses whenever it came close to get away from it. So I remained an outsider in their world. Even with all that I know she cares for me, I know she visited me every day in that hospital and I know she blames herself for what I tried to do to myself.

God I’m so fucking stupid.

Yet knowing this I can’t bring myself to go back. Not yet anyway, I can’t go back like this. I can’t admit to them what I did. No I’ll… make an excuse I’ll break into the supermarket or something and get Misato a present. I’ll say that’s what I was doing, I ran off to get her a present!

Shinji will see right through me. For all I call him an idiot I know he isn’t and even if he was, he knows me and what I’m like. I’ll have to explain this to him won’t I? Or maybe I’ll just, no that won’t work. He’s stubborn, he probably wouldn’t let me do that to him until I had explained myself.

I’ll just wait here for a little bit longer though. Make sure I know what I’m going to say. I should probably think about what to get Misato as a gift too. Beer! She likes beer, that’d be good and I’ll get her something else. At least I won’t have to worry about them turni-

I hear a door closing outside the apartment and my heart skips several beats. He came after me, the idiot actually pursued me. All of those times in the past when I wanted nothing more than for him to do something like that. When I wanted him to cross my ridiculous ‘Wall Of Jericho’, when I wanted him to hold me when we kissed, when I would have loved for him to have ducked under the security tape and held me after my mind got destroyed he did nothing. This though, the one time I was hoping he wouldn’t he actually followed me. A smile spreads across my lips at the sheer ridiculousness of it, I guess I have to explain myself to both of them now. I guess it’s what I deserve. Damnit I love you Shinji.

I leave the apartment and go down the stairs just in time to see him rounding the corner of the building. He looks angry but on seeing me he throws himself at me.

“Asuka you…”

“Yeah yeah I know…”

“I was worried…”

“No you weren’t, you knew exactly where I had gone and you knew why, didn’t you?”

He pulls away from me, “Yeah I did.”

A sigh leaves my lips as I lean against the wall.

“I’m sorry I just… I saw you and Misato and I thought… I thought Shinji has his family now. There is nothing I can give you now and I got scared. The great Asuka Langley Sohryu got scared because of something so stupid.”

“It isn’t stupid it…”

“It is stupid and don’t let me think it isn’t! Don’t let my mistakes slip past you Shinji, I know what I did! I ran away because of something silly, because I thought there was no purpose for me in your life. When that’s not true because…”

“Because I love you Asuka.”

“Exactly.”

“I love you so much Asuka and I don’t want you to be hurt or feel like that. I’m sorry.”

“Oh for god’s sake why are you apologizing? You really do make this feeling bad thing difficult.”

“Sorry!”

“Oh forget it, we should probably just go. What did you tell her?”

Shinji shakes his head, “Nothing. I said you had probably left something important here from when we were here earlier.”

“You lied to her? For me?”

He nods, “I… I’d do anything for you Asuka.”

“You idiot.”

I pull him closely towards me and kiss him softly. As he pulls away I whisper to him, “We’ll resume what we were doing earlier when we get back if you want.”

He blushes and nods as I lean in and kiss him again. This time we kiss for longer, so long in fact I’m unaware of the third person standing near to us with a look of shock and amusement on her face. She coughs.

“I’m not interrupting something am I?”

Both of us jump and I hit my head on the wall pulling away from the kiss. Shinji blushes immediately as we both look in horror at Misato.

“Mi-Misato… it isn’t what it looks like… well it is and… we were going to… but we- and you and…”

I smirk, “What Shinji is trying to say is, we were going to tell you later but someone was a bit of an idiot before we got the chance to and ran off.”

“You two are… since when?”

“I don’t know, maybe two weeks or so after we returned. We didn’t really ask each other out formerly, it just kinda happened.”

I look back towards Shinjis smiling face, the smile I fell in love with so long ago. I no longer feel stupid for what I did. I feel relieved in a way, I might have suggested it but the idea of formally announcing we were together to Misato always seemed a bit strange. Her finding out like this seems much more fitting.

She steps forward, “I’m really happy for you both but we should probably get ba-“

Her words are cut off by a loud crack ringing through the night. I suddenly feel something heavy against me and realize Shinji has suddenly lurched forward. With horror I turn to see a faint line of blood trickling from his mouth. Just at that moment I feel something warm and wet on my hand. I move it into view not sure I want to see it. Not sure that I want to confirm it.

The world seems to move in slow motion as I look and see the blood covering my hand. My limbs go weak as Shinjis body falls to the ground lifelessly. I’m sure I can hear Misato screaming as I just stand there with a blank expression on my face, my mouth opening slowly but nothing coming out.

Slowly I sink to my knees still holding my hand out like it’s some kind of grotesque offering. Misato rushed up next to Shinji, at least I think she is. I can hear another voice in the street now. Another woman, she is next to me shaking me by the shoulder and screaming my name. They pick me up and try to move me but all I can do is stumble forward and vomit onto the pavement. Another shot rings out and then there is a bright light followed by darkness.


	12. Splitting Of The Breast

**To the bird’s it meant… that supper was ready…**

For a moment I feel an immense pain in my chest, I see her tear stained face slip away from me as I fade into darkness. A moment later the pain subsides and I’m vaguely aware of a presence. Something I’ve felt before, a warm comforting presence all around me. I open my eyes and I see the orange liquid all around me, LCL. The presence… I know what it is.

_‘Mother…’_

Something feels so familiar about this. The LCL is cloudy around me, the place I’m in is so very cold. I feel weak and I’m struggling to breathe, I’m struggling to keep my eyes open. Why do I feel like I’ve experienced this before, why does this feel so familiar? What is happening to me?

My eyes are growing heavier, someone help me. Asuka… Misato… Mother? Please… help… me…

**And it’s hello babe, with your guardian eyes so blue…**

I open my eyes again, all the pain from before has gone. Instead I can see a bright light straight ahead of me. My eyes slowly adjust to it and I see it’s a single light attached to the ceiling. A familiar ceiling. My eyes adjust some more followed by my other senses, I’m now aware of a low hum of a machine. I turn my head to the left and I see a few things. The machine monitoring my vitals, a plant and a screen.

I turn my head to the left. If I had the strength to I’d jump back in shock but all I can do is widen my eyes as I see Rei Ayanami sat next to me. She doesn’t seem to have noticed I’m awake yet, her attention is drawn to the book she is reading. I feel my stomach drop, what the hell is going on here. Why is Rei Ayanami sat next to me, where is Misato? Where is Asuka?

“You are awake.”

“I… I am?”

I’m not sure why I asked it like a question, everything feels so foggy to me. I don’t know what’s happened to me. Am I dreaming?

“Ay-Ayanami, what are you doing here?”

She looks me over curiously, or is it curiosity? Maybe I’ve offended her by asking the question. I always found it hard to know what Ayanami was thinking. I want to quickly correct myself, to make her understand what I meant by asking. I don’t really know what to say to her though, I know who Ayanami is, I know what she is and after I learned that I didn’t know how to handle her. The last thing I saw of her was what she became on Third Impact.

“I thought you would like to see someone when you woke up.”

The answer catches me off guard, pulling me from my thoughts. She was expressing concern for me? I suppose she would, we always misread Rei a lot of the time. We always thought she was cold and emotionless. Asuka especially but Rei never understood, she never had anyone to guide her. My father’s fault of course. He brought Rei up for a purpose, not to be a human.

“Oh I see… thank you.”

“I will inform the others that you are awake.”

She points towards a tray, “They left that for you a short while ago, would you like me to bring it over to you?”

I look at the tray and I can smell the food, in immediate response my stomach growls and I nod. “Yeah thank you.”

“Is there anything else you would like?”

I shake my head as I also shift myself into a sitting position and she hands me the tray.

“No, thank you I’ll be alright.”

“Well that’s good for you.”

Without any more words she turns and leaves the room. As she opens the door I see a flash of red quickly pull away from the door. I laugh a little realizing it’s Asuka, she’s been waiting outside the room all this time.

“Asuka?”

I’m sure I can hear a sigh from outside the room but after a few moments she enters the room. She stops partway into the room and looks at me and folds her arms. Clearly in response to the shocked expression on my face.

“What? Do I have something on my face?”

“You… you’re wearing your school uniform?”

She looks down at the uniform she is wearing and then back to me, she looks at the uniform again, “Well observed Shinji, that’s because that’s where we go in the morning. Not that I should have to considering we just had to fight an Angel.”

Fight an Angel? Go to school? What is she talking about? I’m so confused, I don’t know what is happening here. Asuka… isn’t greeting me as she would. Is it because other people are here?

“What… happened to me?”

“Well that’s what I’d like to know, just what the hell did you think you were playing at rushing forward like that? You didn’t give me and Wondergirl a chance to get into position! You… you idiot!”

“I… I-“

I don’t know what to say to her, rushing forward? Not giving them a chance to get into position? I don’t understand. In the end all I can do is muster my usual response in situations like this.

“I’m sorry…”

“Yeah well next time just leave it to the professional here!”

“Sorry…”

I drop my head and sniff as I feel tears forming. I just don’t understand what’s going on here. Why was Ayanami here? Why is Asuka talking to me like this? What has happened, it’s almost as if I’ve woken up somewhere else. I wipe my eye but Asuka has clearly noticed I’m trying to not cry. She drops the expression of anger, even if slightly.

“Urgh, no need to get upset about it. I thought you were supposed to be a man! I’m just saying this to you because I know Misato won’t.”

I try to respond but a new voice interrupts us, “What’s going on here?”

I look up and I see Dr Akagi has entered the room now with Misato behind her. Dr Akagi is looking at Asuka with a menacing scowl.

“Asuka, Shinji needs to rest can you please leave.”

She looks around, “Yeah, whatever. Invincible Shinji needs to be told how amazing he is. I’m heading home.”

I want to say something, to try to ask her what’s going on to try to ask anyone what’s going on but all I can do is look down at the plate of food in front of me. Suddenly I don’t feel quite as hungry as I was a few moments ago. Asuka turns and storms out of the room leaving me in there with Ritsuko and Misato.

“Misato… what happened… I don’t…”

Misato rushes over to my side and shushes me, “It’s alright Shinji, just relax you had an incident in the Eva but its fine now.”

An incident in the Eva? This isn’t right, I don’t remember any of this. The last thing I remember was being in that street with Asuka, we had kissed and Misato caught us. Asuka said something to me and then I remember pain.

“You mean… I was in the Eva before this? Why? I don’t remember?”

It’s Ritsuko who shoots me a curious glance now, “You were fighting the Twelfth Angel. You were pulled inside it, do you mean to say you don’t remember?”

She looks at Misato, “Maybe we should keep him longer, it might be worth lo-“

Before she can finish the sentence I cut in, “No! I remember… it’s just, it… feels like I was in there for a lot longer than I was… I’ll be alright. When can I go home?”

She looks at Misato and then back to me, “Felt like you were in there for longer? Interesting… Shinji if you’re feeling up to it I’d like to ask you some questions about anything you saw in there.”

I look at Misato who immediately asks the question for me, “What do you mean talk to him? We already confirmed there was no contamination, he’s healthy! To answer your question Shinji we can leave as soon as you’re done eating. Would you like that?”

I nod, “Yeah I would… thank you.”

There is a definite air of tension between the two of them. Misato keeps on glaring at Ritsuko with a look of pure hatred. I know exactly why. Ritsuko’s plan while I was trapped in this Angel was to drop N2 mines in there, defeating the Angel was all that mattered and not the pilot’s life. I push the plate of food away at the thought. She really was willing to let me die wasn’t she?

I don’t understand this though, all of this has already happened. I’ve already lived through this so why am I here again?

Ritsuko, “It’s his choice Misato, and it’s nothing to do with contamination it’s just… that Angel posed some very interesting theoretical questions. If Shinji saw anything while he was inside it’s possible he was pulled into a pocket Universe. Up until now everything we know about the Dirac Sea is theoretical, he could have experienced an entire lifetime in the twelve hours he was in there. The rules of regular time and space could have gone completely out of the window. It’d be interesting to see what we can learn, of course it is up to Shinji.”

I look up taking in what she has said, I don’t really understand all of it but she said something interesting. I could have experienced a whole lifetime while I was in there. I don’t really want to talk to her though, at least not yet. What I want to do is go home, if this is where I am now and if that is what has happened to me I just want to go home. I want to talk to Asuka, I want to make her not angry at me. In fact I know exactly what I’ll do.

“I’ll… think about it Ritsuko, I’d like to go home and rest first though.”

**Out in the garden, the moon seems very bright…**

I finished my food as quickly as I could and Misato got me out of the hospital as soon as we could. As we exit the hospital and go towards the car I can’t help but hide my shock at the sight in front of me. The familiar NERV Pyramid that I haven’t seen for over ten weeks and above me the Geofront and sunken buildings of Tokyo-3.

Misato looks across at me, “I thought you would have gotten over the shock of seeing the Geofront by now Shinji.”

I brush it off and smile, “No I just… I had some weird dreams when I was in there it’s just… nice to see it again I guess.”

I wonder exactly how long it has been for me. The twelfth Angel attacked in October, and what I just experienced happened in the middle of March. That’s almost five months I experienced. I take a deep breathe to calm myself down. I can’t let anyone know something is wrong, I can’t let anyone figure this out until I figure it out.

The air is nice, there is a gentle breeze even here in the Geofront. It’s just enough to bring a nice coolness to the warmth.

I get into the front seat of the car and put on my seatbelt. Misato enters as well, did this happen last time? I can’t remember. Was that last time or was it something I saw while I was in the Angel? This is real, it feels real at least. The food tasted real, if not a little bit bland, Misatos hug felt real, I had to use the bathroom and that felt real. As we pull away and start back towards the city I look across, there is something I have to say to Misato.

“Misato… I’m sorry for the trouble I caused.”

“Huh?”

“With the Angel… I, shouldn’t have done what I did?”

I hear a sigh escape her lips, “Is this because of what Asuka said? I swear that girl can be mean sometime, I told her to not say anything to you. Look you’re alive and that’s all that mat-“

“No it isn’t, please... I… Asuka was right. I was an idiot, I went off ahead without thinking about the others and I was arrogant. I nearly messed it up for everyone and put their lives at risk… she is right to be mad at me…”

Another sigh, “I know and I do have to file a report on your behaviour during it. Questions will be asked but I was hoping to keep you away from all of that though. Shinji you nearly died and by the sounds of it something bad happened to you while you were in there so I think that’s punishment enough for you. Now if you’d like I could always have you do something at NERV like shadow Ritsuko and help with her paperwork or something. God knows I can’t think of anything else to punish you, you already do all the chores around the apartment…”

I actually laugh, “Yeah… I suppose I do.”

“I’ll talk to Ritsuko about it if you really want some sort of punishment but you shouldn’t feel bad about it. Asuka will calm down eventually and the questions that’ll be asked… well they’ll go away too.”

All I do is nod and think about what I’ll do next. I’ve already gotten that apology off my chest. Last time I didn’t do that, last time it didn’t fully dawn on me the stupidity of what I did. I was arrogant because I learned I had beaten Asuka and Rei in the sync test. It was the one time I really got confident and cocky in my Eva and it nearly cost me. It doesn’t suit me to be like that.

Now I have to make it up to Asuka. I already know how I’m going to do that. I’m not just going to let her calm down. I’m going to apologize properly to her. I’m actually going to talk to her properly and not run away. I don’t know if the Asuka here will match the one I saw whilst in there. Maybe I’m wrong but I have to try.

“Misato can we stop off somewhere before we go home?”

“Already thinking that myself Shinji, going to get some things for us to celebrate defeating another Angel and your return!”

“Well actually I was thinking… there is a record shop in town… could we maybe stop there first?”

“Yeah of course, just tell me where it is.”

“Thank you.”

**And it’s, hey babe, your suppers waiting for you…**

Misato pulls into a space on the side of the road as I grab my wallet out of my pocket. I look across to her and speak.

“I’ll be a couple of minutes okay?”

“Yeah no problem, take your time.”

I get out and quickly enter the store and upon getting inside I immediately question if this is the right thing to do. I know what I want to get but is it the right thing to do, I keep on questioning my reality. What my brain might have conjured, what the Angel might have conjured and what was real. The music Asuka listens to, what was mine or the Angels invention? No, it can’t be now that I think about it. I recognise some of it because I had heard it coming from her music player before. So she must like it.

I must have been stood there for some time because one of the assistants walks over to meand asks me if I’m alright.

“Fine, thanks.”

I quickly make my way over to the CDs and hope they have in what I’m looking for. Within a moment I find the section for ‘G’ and I look through until I see the large box. Exactly what I was looking for, a deluxe edition of  _‘The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’,_ the entire album along with a bonus disc full of interviews about the making of it and a booklet talking about the process of making it and featuring a gallery from the live performance of the album.

I take it over to the counter and quickly flash my NERV ID at the assistant which gets me some money off of it. After paying for it I make my way back to Misato.

“Considering you were in the hospital just an hour ago you seem to be in a good mood, did you get what you wanted?”

I nod, “Exactly what I wanted.”

She looks over the box in my hand, “Oh, I didn’t think that would be your sort of thing.”

I shake my head, “It isn’t for me. It’s a present for Asuka.”

She starts the car but what I’ve said causes her to immediately brake from the shock, “A… present?”

“Yeah, I… wanted to get her something to make up for what happened and well… it doesn’t matter let’s just go.”

I realize I’ve already revealed too much information about how I feel for Asuka. I shouldn’t have said anything about it being for her, I should have just made an excuse. Misato didn’t know what sort of music I listened to but I felt it’d be right for her to know for some reason.

“I knew it.”

“Knew what?”

“That you liked her, this is so cute, Shinji’s first crush! Well if you want any advice, you know exactly where to go.”

I look out the window so she can’t see me blush, she’s just going to tease me about this all the way back. Unless…

“Yeah, I know Mr Kaji is really friendly.”

That was a mistake, I work up merely hours ago and now I’m going to die. In her anger the car swerve and I can feel her eyes burning a hole through me. She waits a moment before spitting out a reply.

“Hmph, you know… you can be really… salty at times.”

It’s hard to not laugh at the comment, I remember her saying something similar to me when we first met. She’ll probably find a way to get at me later but I don’t mind. I clutch the CD in my hand thinking about Asuka all the rest of the way home.

**I’ve been so far from here**

“We’re home.”

Misato shouts through the hallway but there is no reply, I spot a pair of shoes on the floor belonging to Asuka. They’ve been kicked off, I bend down to arrange them neatly before removing my own shoes. Misato laughs at my gesture.

“Been back barely thirty seconds and already cleaning up the place, you don’t have to do that you know?”

I nod, “I know that but…”

I don’t really have a reason, it was just instinctual to do that. If I didn’t Asuka would probably complain tomorrow morning before school that it was a miss. I smile again at that thought, the two of us going to school in the morning. We’ll be walking their together, taking the train together and walking through those gates together and seeing all our friends. I’m even looking forward to hearing about life before Second Impact.

Yet there is still so much I don’t really understand. I don’t understand what happened to me in that Angel. Ritsuko pulled me to one side before we left, she explained in less scientific terms what had happened to me. She said she still wanted to speak to me but I told her I had seen certain things. I didn’t tell her the full story about it. I couldn’t tell her the full story, what exactly was I going to say? That I experienced nearly half a year of my life, that I experienced the end of the world and that I fell in love?

I still don’t understand it though, why did the Angel show me those things? Ritsuko thinks that it was trying to communicate with me, that maybe the Angels were trying to understand humans on some level. Was that what it was trying to do, understand me? I don’t even understand myself so how can anything else? I go into the front room and see it completely empty, I can hear Asuka in her room listening to music. I can’t really make out what it is but I look down at the present I have for her again hoping I’m doing the right thing.

From the kitchen I can hear Misato talking to someone on the phone.

“What? Yeah, he’s out of the hospital now! Asuka? She’s here too, in her room…”

There is a pause, “What tonight? I don’t know…”

Another pause, I can only assume it’s Kaji, “Yeah alright, I can come over if it’s really that important. This better not be one of your tricks though.”

She hangs up the phone and comes out of the kitchen, “Shinji… I’m sorry but I have to go out to a meeting. I don’t know when I’ll be back but I’ll leave you and Asuka money to get food.”

I nod, “Misato… it’s alright. I know that was Kaji.”

I smile reassuringly at her, “You do? That obvious huh?”

“Yeah.”

She eyes the CD in my hand, “Well I suppose it’ll at least give you and Asuka some privacy when you spring your surprise on her. Don’t stay up too late and…”

She winks at me, “Be careful Shinji, we don’t want a little Ikari-Sohryu running around just yet.”

I feel the blood rush to my cheeks instantly at her wink and comment, “Misato!”

“Just kidding, have fun!”

She doesn’t give me a chance to respond before she puts her shoes back on and ducks out of the apartment. I now find myself standing in front of Asuka’s bedroom door. In one hand I’m holding the present I got her and my other hand is clenching and unclenching. Suddenly I don’t feel quite as brave or as confident as I had done.

I think back to my experience whilst I was trapped in the Angel. What I was shown and what I lived through. I actually wonder how much of it was true. I saw so much happen in there, I saw what Rei was, I saw the end of the world, I did horrible things but I eventually found redemption. I found it in the arms of the girl on the other side of this doorway. How much of that was a possibility though? How much of it was just my dream and my imagination? I know my feelings for Asuka were true but can the same be said of hers for me? I look down at the CD and I realize I don’t even know if Asuka will really like it.

Yet there has to be something in it. I had never heard of this band before that experience. I had never heard a song by them or knew of any of their tracks. Yet now I do, I can hear their music in my head. I can hear the singing, the guitars and the drums. There had to be some reality in there.

I raise my hand and make a fist. I take a deep breath. I mumble the first thing I said before I got in the Eva.

“I mustn’t run away…”

I knock on the door three times and wait. For a time I hear nothing and then finally a shuffling sound from inside the room. Footsteps approaching the door, and it eventually slides open. Asuka is stood there, she’s changed into a baggy yellow t-shirt and a small pair of denim shorts. She is staring directly at me, her expression similar to the one she wore back in the hospital.

“What?”

“I… Asuka… I…”

“Spit it out Third Child… what do you want?”

I should have rehearsed this. I scramble around for something to say, anything to say that won’t anger her. I just need to get through this initial part and give her the present. Then I can talk to her properly.

My mouth has gone completely dry. As I look at her my mind keeps going back to everything I’ve experienced and seen. I look at her eyes glaring at me thinking about how they used to look when I stared into them on an evening. I look at her lips and think about how soft they were when we kissed. I look at her red hair and think about how it used to look when she stepped out the shower. Her body in those clothes, I’m thinking about how she used to mount me on an evening and make love to me.

All of it though was just the conjurations of the Angel. I shouldn’t be thinking about that. I can’t think about that. I bow my head and stutter something out.

“I… I just wanted to say… I’m sorry for, what happened with the Angel… I shouldn’t have done what I did.”

She rolls her eyes at me, “You know your apologies mean nothing when it’s your stock response to everything.”

“Sorry.”

“Urgh, just leave me alone. I’m not in the mood to have Misato get at me again for upsetting her precious little Shinji…”

She turns away and goes to slide the door closed. This really isn’t going as I hoped it would. I don’t know what possesses me to do it but I put my hand in the way just before she closes it and wedge it open. The door slides back open only this time she steps outside and steps right up to me.

“You’re overstepping your bounds Third, I already said to leave me alone.”

“Sorry but I… I…”

Why can I just say it? With my hand trembling I slowly hold up the CD.

“I know I did something stupid, I should have let you take lead during it. I shouldn’t have jumped the gun like that. I nearly got myself killed and I put you and Ayanami at risk. I… I know you’re a better pilot than me.”

“Go on…”

“And I… I got you this to say I’m sorry… I mean really sorry, not just a response.”

I force myself to look at her as her eyes dart from me to the CD. For a moment I see the anger drain from her face as she sees the CD in my hand. I see her eyes fill with surprise and a small smile spread across her face. She takes it off me and turns it over in her hand and reads through the contents of the boxset.

“I guess it’ll do. I forgive you for now… Shinji.”

I can finally breathe properly again. It wasn’t quite the thank you I was hoping for but it’s a start. It means that some of what I was shown was accurate. She turns around and goes back into her room and I decide maybe it’s time to be a little bit braver.

“Asuka… would you… like to go out for dinner?”

She stops in her tracks and turns around, her eyes reflecting some level of confusion. There are very few times I’ve seen Asuka confused. This is one of them.

“Huh?”

“I… would you like to go out for dinner… with me?”

She walks up to me and stares me straight in the eyes, “Are you feeling alright?”

I nod my head, maybe this wasn’t such a good idea.

“Where?”

Now it’s my turn to be confused, “Huh?”

“Idiot! I asked you where?”

“Oh… I… don’t know…”

She sighs, “You asked me if I want to go out for dinner and you don’t know where to go? Do you even have a brain up there Third?”

“No… I mean yes! I just… wanted to make it up to you for…”

“You’re really going all out with this apology aren’t you? In which case in this current state my answer is no. I wouldn’t like to go out for dinner with you.”

“Oh…”

I can’t help but hide my disappointment. She closes the door and I stand there for a few moments wondering what I did wrong. All of it most likely, it dawns on me that maybe what I saw in the Angel was a distorted reflection. Maybe it was all based on my perceptions, maybe my knowledge of the music Asuka listens to comes from a glimpse I caught of some of it when I saw her music player or her CD collection. Maybe it got shuffled to a part of my memory that I couldn’t access but the Angel was able to see it.

I go back over to the sofa and spot my SDAT sitting on the table in front of it. That’s strange, I usually keep that in my room or I keep it in my bag when I have to go to NERV. Why is it out on the table like this? I pick it up and check it over. It’s on track number three, I don’t usually listen to that that means someone else has been using this. The battery has been fully charged, it was nearly dead when I last used it. I look back towards Asuka’s door, she couldn’t have could she?

I put one of the earphones in and sit down on the sofa still feeling disappointed. She’s probably on the other side of the door laughing at me right now. Thinking about how much of an idiot I must be. Buying her something and asking her out to dinner to say sorry. I turn the SDAT over and flick straight to track 26, before the music begins to play I hear a cough from the other side of the room.

I turn and see Asuka stood there wearing a green dress. I immediately recognize it as the one she wore on the night she came home and found me playing the cello. The same night we kissed, the same night I should have held her and not let her run away like that.

“Well, what are you staring at idiot? Are we going out or what?”

“But Asuka I thought you…”

“You can be so stupid sometimes, I said in the current state, you really expected me to go out for dinner dressed like that?”

I shake my head, “I guess not.”

“And that goes the same for you, someone like me can’t be seen going out with someone dressed like that. Do you have any other clothes?”

I’m confused, “Y-Yeah!”

“Well then go and put them on and hurry up about it. I’ve already phoned a place and they’re expecting us.”

I’m very confused right now, instead of questioning it I get to my feet and go into my room and dig out the smart clothes I have. I forget at this point I don’t really have much but I’m able to find a suit jacket, smart shirt and I guess my regular school trousers will do.

I quickly throw the clothes on and emerge from my room. Asuka looks me over and sighs angrily, I don’t know what I’ve done until she walks over to me and adjusts and straightens my collar.

She smiles at me and shakes her head, “You’re useless.”

Her tone isn’t harsh when she says it, if anything it’s playful. I find myself once again staring at her shining blue eyes.

‘You’re beautiful’, I want to say it to her so badly but I just can’t. Not yet. I probably shouldn’t even be doing this yet. I should have waited a day, I should have waited a week but after everything I experienced I don’t want to wait anymore. I have to know what is real and what isn’t.

We head towards the door and just before she opens it I call out to her, “Asuka…”

“What is it?”

“You… you look really pretty.”

\---

“He took her out for dinner?”

“Yup, full three course meal and everything, isn’t that sweet?”

“Even in these times the ability for the young to find love is admirable.”

“Yeah, although I don’t think Asuka thinks of it in those terms.”

“No?”

“Of course not, ‘it means nothing’, ‘He was just making up for his idiocy.’ Although you should have seen how red she went and she hasn’t stopped listening to the album he bought her since he gave it to her. It’s so sweet isn’t it Ritsuko?”

“It certainly is, and unexpected.”

“Oh I don’t think so. There’s always been something between the two of them, it just took a little nudge from one to the other that’s all. I think the experience in the Angel might have made Shinji finally take that leap.”

“Mm Hmm…”

“You disapprove?”

“Of course not, I do however trust you know what you’re doing. Remember you have two hormonal teenagers in your apartment, we don’t want them to create a th-“

I can’t take this anymore, I put my hands over my ears and stand up yelling, “STOP!”

Misato turns and flashes me a smile, “Oh hey Shinji, forgot you were there for a moment? How is the paperwork going?”

I shoot her a glare that tells her exactly how I’m feeling right now. She didn’t forget I was there, she knew I was there as did Ritsuko. I finish sliding the papers into another folder.

“Its fine, I’m nearly finished.”

“Well good, I should probably get going anyway. I’ve got a stack of paperwork to get through myself, unless you’d like to volunteer your services for that?”

“No, I think… I think this is enough.”

Why did I have to open my big mouth about how sorry I was? It isn’t that I wasn’t sorry and I didn’t want to make up for it but I didn’t realize just how much paperwork these people have to do. Either that or they’ve just been neglecting it.

With a wink she leaves the room and says her goodbye to Ritsuko. It’s quite strange to see those two on good terms again so soon after what happened. I wonder if any of it is genuine or if it’s just a show. I haven’t forgotten what I saw Ritsuko do while I was trapped, that tank and those clones within. Now I look at the doctor sat there reading through a document. Is she really capable of that?

“You know Shinji, you have been different since you’ve returned.”

“Huh, what do you mean?”

She puts down the document and looks at me, “Asking Asuka out to dinner, the way you talk to Misato and despite experiencing a slight drop your sync score is stable. You seem more, confident.”

I’m not sure if it’s a compliment or not, her voice is laden with suspicion. Does she know anything about what I saw? Maybe I moved too quickly in asking Asuka to dinner, maybe I should have just got her the present and left it at that. It’s not like anything has happened, since that evening she has barely spoken to me. Nothing went wrong on the night, we went out to dinner and had a really nice meal. We spoke a little bit, I tried to find out details about her life before NERV. To try and compare it with the things I learned while I was in the Angel. She didn’t say much, that she lived with a stepmother and her father, that she got accepted to a college early on and received a degree and that she had been training for Eva from a young age. She didn’t talk about her mother and I didn’t ask.

I let her into my life to see her reaction. I told her about my mother, I watched Asuka’s eyes for any change when I mentioned it. I could see the slight reaction even as she raised her guard. I told her that I think I’m finally happy for one of the first times in my life. She laughed and called me an idiot. We laughed a lot that night and yet she hasn’t spoke to me since.

I had a dream last night. It was about Asuka. She was stood in a hospital room looking down at a body on a bed. It wasn’t the Asuka I took to dinner but the one I knew from my time in the Angel. As she looked down at the body I realized something it was me, only I was stood behind her on the other side of the room. I tried to call out to her but she couldn’t hear me. I tried to hold her but my arms went right through her.

All I could do was watch as she stood mumbling something to herself about how she had failed again. How she had no purpose left in life and how she will never be happy again. I wanted to desperately to reach out to her and tell her everything was going to be alright but all I could do was watch as she broke down.

I woke up crying. I woke up and the first thing I did was wake Asuka up and see if she was alright. She slapped me for entering her room without her permission and told me that yes everything was fine. I told her I had a nightmare about her that felt real and I was really sorry and this would never happen again. For a moment I thought I saw her try to reach my hand but she stopped at the last moment instead she settled for calling me an idiot. I left the room and moments later I heard the sounds of  _‘The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway’_ start up.

I don’t know if my concern had any effect on her. I still don’t know what the purpose of me being back here is but I made a promise after that. I wasn’t going to stand by and watch any more. I was going to take action if I could because I already saw what could happen if I didn’t. Maybe I have been given a second chance.

_‘You can’t redo.’_

It was something we said to each other during that glimpse at another life, maybe I can. Maybe something happened that no one can explain and I have been given a chance. I look back up at Ritsuko who is still awaiting a response from me.

“I… didn’t realize.”

“It’s not a bad thing, just unexpected. I’m still interested in learning what happened to you in there.”

I want to snap back at her that I nearly died because of her plan, if my Eva hadn’t… if my mother hadn’t have saved me at the last second her stupid plan would have killed me. That’s what nearly happened to me in there. I can’t do that though, I’m not supposed to know about that. I wonder then if I can maybe say anything about what I experienced. Maybe if I say something vague to her, but then… she mentioned the Angel tried to communicate with me. She’ll just want to run tests on me. I don’t want that.

“I… had some strange dreams, that’s all and they just made me think.”

“Oh, about what?”

“About why I pilot the Eva… and about my friends and Misato… I kinda, realized how lucky I am in some ways.”

“Sounds like you had a real, ‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ experience.”

I don’t know what she means but I nod, “I guess so.”

“Well I think that’s enough for today, you should probably get back. You wouldn’t want to keep Asuka waiting.”

There are still a large number of papers to go through but I nod taking the opportunity to escape. I get to the doorway but stop before leaving. I don’t know why I’m about to say this, but I think about what I’ve said about standing by. I can’t give myself away with what I’ve learned, even though I know it might not be true. I know my father is like me in so many ways, I know the slightest word could change him from the right person. Maybe I can try, I have to.

“Dr Akagi… how often do you see my father?”

“As the lead of Project E I’m in regular contact with him, why?”

“Could you give him a message from me? I don’t… really see him and when I’ve tried he is always busy.”

“Well your father has a busy schedule and he…”

“I don’t care about that, can you please just tell him… that I know he misses my mother, and I do too but she is gone and we should move forward and let her rest. I… I don’t think she’d want us to dwell on her death too much.”

I don’t turn around but I can already feel her curious glance at me. Have I said too much? No, I kept that vague and it’s barely been any time since me and he visited the grave together so she knows it’ll be fresh in my mind.

“You think he still misses your mother?”

“I do, and I think a part of him does too but I was just thinking that… sometimes we have to let things go…”

“That’s quite a mature thing for you to say Shinji, another experience from your dreams?”

“Yeah… you could say that.”

I walk out straight out not letting her respond to me. I don’t know if she’d tell my father that, I don’t know how he’d react to it. Maybe he wouldn’t react to it, maybe he’d just dismiss it as he did everything I tried to say to him. Or maybe, just maybe there is a chance it’ll trigger something. A simple action can trigger change in people. If what I saw was the truth then maybe I can change that.


	13. Ambivalence

I’m lying awake, palm of my hand to my head and staring straight up at the now familiar ceiling of the room I call home. How many times have I done this? Replayed events from my past again and again in my mind to the point that I wish I could just shut it all off. I’ve been back for a week now and in that time I’ve tried to maybe shift things from the direction I saw in other time. I still question how much of it was true, and that’s what’s been playing on my mind this time. If what I saw was true we’re soon going to be attacked by another Angel and this one, I really don’t know what to do.

I wish I could talk to someone about it, if Asuka only knew what I had gone through and what I had seen she’d know what to do. Yet she is barely speaking to me. I don’t know what I did wrong, I tried to apologize to her and make things up to her by asking her out. Maybe she doesn’t have the same feelings for me that I do for her in reality. Yet, there is something there.

I just wish I knew what to do. I know that if that does happen I need to fight but I don’t know if I can bring myself to. Yet if I don’t my father will activate the dummy plug and it’ll end up getting worse. I’ve replayed those images in my head over and over, from Asuka’s shocked exclamations of me not knowing who was inside. She got taken out by it because she had been distracted by me. If that hadn’t happened we’d have stood a better chance.

I couldn’t fight because I knew there was another human being inside but this time I know who it is. So how can I fight now? I know that if I do fight then every single punch, kick and attack with the Eva is going to hurt Touji. Yet if I don’t he’ll lose limbs and end up worse. Asuka… she would know what to do, she’d be able to come up with a plan.

I hear the final notes of track twenty six on my SDAT fade out and begin the process of rewinding it. In that brief silence in between I hear a noise outside my door. Someone reaching for the handle to slide it open. It’s probably Misato come to tell me she’s back. I take my earphones out and wait to greet her but I’m instead surprised when I see Asuka enter the room and close the door behind her.

In what little light there is I can see she looks pale, her eyes don’t have the fire that they usually do. I wonder for a moment if she is sleepwalking but she fixes her gaze on me. All I can do is stammer out her name.

“A-Asuka?”

“Is it alright if I sleep in here tonight… my room... I think there is something wrong with the window, the wind keeps on blowing through and keeping me awake.”

She doesn’t even wait for me to respond as she moves over to the bed. I move across closer to the wall and allow her to climb on top of it. I let her take as much of the cover as she wants as she lies down facing away from me. I realize I’m nervous, just as I was the first time we shared a bed in that other reality. I’m unable to move but I really need to put my SDAT on the bedside table.

Slowly I pick it up and place it on the table careful not to touch Asuka. I lie back down and cover myself in what little of the blankets remain. It’s a rare cold night tonight, although there isn’t any wind outside like Asuka mentioned. I gaze across at her and realize from the way she is holding the cover that sleep hasn’t hit her yet.

“Hey Asuka…”

“What is it?”

“Do you ever have… nightmares?”

No answer from her although I can sense her grip tighten on the covers as they move a bit more off of me.

“No.”

Her answer is blunt and to the point, it’s a lie and I know it. I heard her on that night we have the synchronisation training. I already knew she’d lie to me when she answered though, that wasn’t why I had asked. After a while she responds, “Why are you asking about nightmares anyway?”

“I… had one last night and I’ve been thinking…”

“It was just a stupid nightmare, they aren’t worth thinking about.”

“I know that… sorry.”

There is another pause, I wanted to say more but I just can’t bring myself to. She sounds irritated by any word from me. I guess I would be too if I had been trying to sleep for hours only for it to come to nothing and have to share a bed with someone who kept talking. Instead of saying anything else I turn around and face the wall and close my eyes.

About a minute passed before I feel the grip on the covers slack, “What was it about?”

“Huh?”

“Your nightmare stupid. If I’m going to sleep in here tonight I may as well put your mind at rest, I don’t want you waking me up my screaming your sleep or whatever.”

I roll onto my back, she is still facing away from me but I begin to tell her about my nightmare.

“I… had a nightmare that they had another Evangelion coming here… but… it turned out to be an Angel… and we had to fight it.”

She’s silent so I take that as an opportunity to continue.

“But… I couldn’t fight it, I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to hurt another person but I… didn’t want to die either.”

“So what did you do?”

“Nothing…”

“Idiot. If it’s between you and someone else you fight…”

“Would you be able to fight… even if it meant hurting someone else?”

“Yes, if the alternative was dying I’d fight. It’s a stupid nightmare anyway, that couldn’t happen… and even if it did. You wouldn’t have to fight, I’d be more than capable of beating it for you and I’d save the pilot too. How does that sound?”

“Really? How?”

“Well I don’t know do I, I’m not in your head apparently and probably thankfully if I was in your dream god knows what perverted fantasies you’d have about me. I’d probably try to get the Entry Plug out. There, problem solved. So if you have that nightmare again you just do that and then tell me that I saved the day even if it is in your stupid nightmares.”

Smiling I nod, “Yeah… I’ll do that, thank you Asuka. Good night.”

“Whatever.”

She tightens her grip on the covers again and I lie there on my back for a moment.

“I’m cold. Why does Misato have to get blankets that don’t cover our feet and are thin like this?”

“I… that’s just the way they are.”

“Well it’s stupid, I can’t sleep when I’m cold like this.”

I think if maybe I have something in the room to help her warm up but unfortunately all the blankets are the same. The only thing that might work is… but no I can’t do that, she’ll… but maybe she won’t… if I don’t try I’ll never know. The worst she can do is tell me to stop, call me a pervert and storm out and at least then I’ll know for certain.

I turn around again until I’m facing her, she still has her back to me but I slowly reach out my arm and place it around her side. It’s awkward as I do it whilst trying to maintain the distance between our bodies. As my arm makes contact with her I feel her entire body tense up. This is the part where she tells me to get off and yells at me. I brace myself for it.

“What are you doing?”

“I-I… well I’m trying to make you warmer…”

It sound so stupid but that is genuinely what I’m trying to do and I guess I also just wanted to hold her.

“Idiot…”

“Sorry.”

I begin to raise my arm from her side but from the slightest movement I feel her hand grab my wrist.

“I didn’t tell you to stop. Just stay there for a while, I’ll allow it for tonight.”

I let my arm go back over her as I shuffle in a little bit closer. As I do so I notice her hand put itself over mine and squeeze it gently. I don’t know if I’m supposed to hear it but she whispers.

“Thank you… I feel much warmer now…”

\---

I close my eyes as I feel the warm liquid wash over me. I’ve had this happen to me so many times now but I still get that little feeling of panic whenever it happens. My mind still doesn’t quite make the instant connection that the LCL is breathable. So whenever I have to do this I’ll close my eyes until it’s completely over me. I’ll still get that little spike in my stomach when I feel the smell of blood hit my nose but it’s a lot better than with my eyes open.

Today is my first synchronisation test since the incident with the twelth Angel. Since I lived through that other reality. I don’t know what they’re expecting of me, I don’t know what to expect from myself. I don’t know my synchronisation ratio will go up or down after it. If I remember correctly the last test I did it was up, I was ahead of everyone and I got praised for it. I liked getting praise but it led to me making a stupid mistake. I was stupid and arrogant all because that little number next to my name was higher than Ayanami’s or Asukas’.

Yet that number is meaningless, it only tells us how in tune we are with the Evangelion and the soul that inhabits it. The higher the number the more control we have and in turn the more we hurt when it does. Yet it doesn’t mean we’re better as a pilot for it. Asuka is a far better pilot than I am yet our sync ratios are similar. I guess it’s a way of measuring something and Asuka seems to take pride in it.

My plugsuit feels unusually tight around me today, especially around the throat. I’ve always found it a bit uncomfortable but today more so than ever. Maybe it’s because I’m more nervous today of doing this. With what I’ve experienced it feels so foreign to me. For these people it’s been around a week but for me… it’s felt like six months.

I finally open my eyes and the liquid goes from orange to clear. The dim lights of the Entry Plug surround me as I casually rest my hands on the controls. I lie back and try to make my mind as empty as possible. I hide a smile as I imagine Asuka’s voice telling the world that that wouldn’t be difficult. This parts always so difficult, emptying my mind to eliminate interference. How can I empty my mind after I’ve been told to, just being told to is inviting me to think about things.

“Okay Shinji, no pressure on this one just do what you usually do.”

“Right.”

I close my eyes again and try to relax. Straight away my mind wanders to Asuka in the Entry plug to my left. I wonder what she does in this situation. I wonder how she relaxes and if she is nervous before a sync test or even being deployed. She barely spoke to me again this morning, we both woke up together and she left the bed without saying a word. She thanked me for making her breakfast but that has been about it. I wonder if I helped her last night, if she had any nightmares.

\---

Finally I hear Misato’s voice over the intercom again.

“Okay guys we’re done now. You all did really well! Asuka you’re up five points on your best, Rei you’re up two points and Shinji you’ve dropped behind Asuka but you’re stable. Good work everyone, you’ve got the rest of the day free.”

I feel the Entry Plug rise out of the pool as the LCL drains from it. I’m actually smiling at hearing that, I’ve dropped but I expected that and Asuka is in first place again. She’ll be happy with that. Eventually the Entry Plug reaches the platform and the door opens up. I climb out onto the platform and see a few techs walk past me and start securing the Entry Plug.

It’s funny but I never realize the amount of people who work here. Securing the Entry Plugs, making sure the LCL has drained correctly, ensuring it’s filtered correctly and that nothing goes wrong. I’ve never spoken to any of them, I don’t think any of us have. I turn around to the two that have passed me and I call back.

“Hey… Um… thanks for… doing what you guys do…”

The taller one of the two smiles, “Hey no big deal kid, you’re the one fighting for us. Least we can do is make sure your systems run correctly, ya know what I mean?”

I nod, “Yeah but… thank you all the same.”

I walk off and climb go down the walk way to find Asuka waiting for me. A grin on her face, “Well Shinji, I knew your little reign at the top was nothing more than a fluke but now I’m back in first again as I should be.”

I smile, “Yeah… Congratulations Asuka. You deserve it.”

She sighs and rolls her eyes, “Urgh, whatever… just make sure you don’t do anything stupid next time right? I’m going to go visit Kaji.”

She pushes past me and leaves the room. I can’t help but feel I said something wrong there but what? I congratulated her on getting back to number one. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, maybe she just wanted to go and see Kaji.

Suddenly I get a strange sense of dread as I remember what happened in that other place. It’s around this time they select the fourth child… Asuka found out when she went to visit Kaji. Is the same thing going to happen this time? If it does then Asuka won’t tell me and Misato won’t tell me either. I have to know somehow and there is only one way I can find out, I have to be there when Asuka does. I quickly rush back to my locker room to shower and get changed. If I’m quick I can be there just as she finds out.

\---

I round the corner towards Kaji’s office and hear her voice yelling, “What! No it can’t be! I refuse to accept it!”

My heart sinks immediately knowing what she is yelling at. I approach the office just in time for her to storm out and collide with me. I stumble backwards as she yells.

"Watch where you're going idiot!"

"S-Sorry... I... are you alright?"

"No I'm not alright! Now get out of my way!"

She storms past me but I call out to her, I need to make sure about what she is yelling about. Maybe I'm wrong and it isn't to do with Touji.

"W-Wait! What's wrong?"

She stops immediately and I hear her sigh, "I'll tell you what's wrong Shinji. Not only do I have to carry you and Wondergirl in this place but now I'll have to put up with your idiot friend Touji being here as well. As if I don't have to put up with that moron enough at school now he'll be here as well!"

That confirms it, the activation will be in a couple of days. It'll go wrong and I'll have to fight and hurt Touji. I look down at the ground, maybe there is something I can do... maybe I can persuade Misato to not do the test or put it off or select someone else.

"Oh..."

"Oh? Is that all you can say?"

"I... is there no one else who can do it?"

"Are you stupid? Of course there isn't, we're chosen because we're the only ones who can do it. Just make sure you tell him to stay out of my way."

I don't reply to her as a feeling of nausea passes through me, she storms off as I sink against the wall wondering what to do. I thought that maybe having knowledge of what would happen would help me in some way. Maybe having seen all of that stuff would have made me into a better person going forward. The only thing that has happened is I feel worse. I feel more powerless than ever.

I watch as Asuka rounds the corner, she's the only one who can help me. She is the only one capable of understanding me and all I've done is made her madder at me than she ever has been.

There is one tiny glimmer of hope though, I told her last night about the nightmare. I used what I had seen and told her I had a nightmare. It wasn't a lie, I have had nightmares about that moment. She said she'd try to remove the Entry Plug... but how? I can't do that. That's why I need her.

\---

Misato left for the activation test this morning. Those past couple of days went by too quickly. All I've done is think about it, that moment when our phones go off and we're summoned to NERV. We'll be told something went wrong, we'll be told my father will be taking over the operation. Asuka will be placed on point and in a moment of distraction will be taken out. It'll bypass Rei with no issues and then I'll stand between it and NERV.

I won't be able to do anything. I won't be able to fight it because I know there is another human being inside. Now that I know who it is I know I definitely won't be able to fight it because I know that every single hit I inflict on it will be hurting Touji. So it'll pass that my father will activate the dummy plug system and it'll cripple my friend.

I've felt sick all morning, it feels exactly like I did when I woke up on that beach. That anything that enters my system is going to exit it immediately. So I skipped breakfast, Misato must have noticed something was wrong because she asked if I wanted to stay off school today. Even Asuka looked concerned. I'm not surprised, I've always been pale but when I looked in the mirror I looked like a ghost. I guess this is what happens when you know your best friend is about to get seriously injured.

We've not been in the lesson long and I keep on looking at my watch waiting for the moment it all goes wrong. With every minute that passes my stomach churns a little bit more, I mentally plan the quickest way out of the room in case I have to throw up.

A flashing square appears on my computer and I see a message from Asuka waiting for me.

_"Why are you still here? Don't expect me to carry you home if you're ill!"_

I look around and see her avert her gaze from me just as my eyes meet hers. I can see genuine concern on her face, or is that just my mind playing tricks? For a moment I can almost picture that moment on the beach, where she questioned me about how ill I had been. Where she gave me the crackers and water to help settle my stomach. It's such a vivid image, even though I felt so low it's a pleasant one. It was the start of something and yet it wasn't real.

I type a message back to her confessing part of the reason I'm ill,  _"I'm fine, I'm worried about Misato... what if something goes wrong?"_

_"Idiot! Nothing is going to go wrong, and besides even if it does I'm here. Just... go home if you're ill alright!"_

Strangely enough just reading that has made me feel a little bit better. Asuka can help me, I just have to keep believing that. She'll help me through this!

I don't get a chance to thank her as I feel the vibration begin in my pocket and the sound of the phone ringing. Heads in the classroom turn towards the three of us as they are aware of what is happening. It's always a strange mixture of expressions we get. A look of admiration from some and fear from others. From Kensuke there is always a look of jealousy, he doesn't understand what it is we do, he'll never understand what we go through but it's fine. I keep on telling him it isn't what he thinks but he won't listen. I guess that's alright though I'd rather he be ignorant of the truth and jealous of us then have to face the horror we do.

Strangely I don't feel sick as I silently rise from my desk and walk towards the exit. I'm flanked by Asuka with Ayanami behind us. I look towards Asuka and for a brief moment our gazes meet. There is something on her face, a reassuring smile. Or is that just what I want to see?

\---

“W-Who’ll be leading us, Misato is…”

I already know the answer to my question but I ask just to make sure, maybe a miracle has occurred. A voice from one of the technicians confirms that I’m not quite that lucky.

_“The Commander will be taking charge of this one.”_

“My father.”

I say nothing else I’m back into my seat by the Eva’s launch procedures. After ten or so seconds and hundreds of metres I appear on the surface. To my left is a cliff and around me are various size rocks and boulders. It feels exactly the same as last time. I’m running out of time here, if I don’t do anything then... he’ll activate the dummy plug on my Eva.

I know he won’t even hesitate to do so, I already know it’s installed in there ready for me to resist. It’s almost as if he knew something like this would happen. Did he know what the Angels would be like? That one would take over an Eva like this and that I’d resist? I don’t see Ayanami or Asuka having Dummy Plugs installed in their machines. Or is it just because he sees me as too weak to be able to continue fighting. Father, just what were you up to here?

As if in response to my thinking about him I hear his voice over the comm channels.

_“Your target is the former Evangelion Unit 03, it has now been designated as the Thirteenth Angel.”_

Cold and emotionless as ever. It’s only now I realize he has no plan, he isn’t like Misato where she would at least try to figure out a way to save the pilot and stop the Angel. He doesn’t care about the pilot or he has already given up. Just like he gave up trying with me after my mother died. I thought when I was in that other place I understood him a little bit, that I wasn’t angry at him but hearing his voice like I did just now. It brings it all back to me. I don’t understand him, I could never understand a man like him. I hate him. I’m not going to give up on Touji, we have a few minutes left until Unit 03 arrives near Asuka. I open up a private communication channel between me and her.

_“What is it Third, kinda busy here.”_

“A-Asuka… Touji is in there.”

_“I’m aware of that, now shut up or you’ll distract me.”_

I stumble for something to say. She isn’t going to fight it is she?

“Let me join you!”

_“What? And let you steal my glory? No chance Third, stay where you are like a good boy. Wouldn’t want to piss of your father would you?”_

“Asuka, my friends in there! Please let me join you up there… I can help you. I don’t care about fighting the Angel I just want to make sure he is out of there. We can… we can do this together you can take the credit! Please just… let me be there with you Asuka!”

There is silence for a moment before I hear a sigh,  _“Fine… but you do exactly as I say. No deviating from this. I probably could handle this by myself but if you’re so desperate then… whatever. If you get in any trouble though this is all your idea!”_

“Right.”

I breathe something of a sigh of relief and feel my heart rate increase as I begin to move the Evangelion forward towards Asuka’s position. As I run towards her a thought suddenly enters my mind. I’m going against what my father said, in one way it’s exhilarating but at the same time I’m aware of the Dummy Plug. He wouldn’t activate it yet though would he? Not while there is a chance we’ll fight.

No voice comes over the channel as I finally get to Asuka’s position. I see her standing ready as Evangelion Unit 03 walks slowly towards us. We have to be ready for this, despite its incredibly fast and agile.

It comes closer and I can see the Entry Plug sticking out of the back, held in place by the thick black tar like substance that serves as the Angel’s skin.

_“Okay here’s the deal Third, I’m going to attack it head on and you’re going to go around the back and try to restrain it. When you do I’ll cut out the Entry plug, you’ll deposit it somewhere safe and I’ll finish it off. Deal?”_

“Right.”

_“And Shinji. A warning, I’m going to have to hit it and that will hurt your friend. Do not stop me. I’m sure he can take a bit of pain, just focus on what I told you to do. Got it?”_

I swallow hard at the thought of her fighting it while Touji is inside but she is right, she will have to do that. It’s just… I can’t do that. I can’t hurt him.

“I understand.”

“Good, lets g-“

She’s cut off as Evangelion Unit 3 jumps high into the air and with lightning speed comes down near to Asuka. Asuka swiftly ducks out of the way and its attack misses her by a whisker. I withdraw my Progressive Knife and round the back of Unit 03 and watch as Asuka withdraws her knife as well.

Without warning Unit 03 darts towards her, she dodges out of the way again just as it comes to a stop exactly where she would be. I watch as its left arm starts to swing out. It would normally miss her but I know one of the tricks this Angel has up its sleeve. I yell over the comm channel.

“Asuka, the arms! Watch out!”

_“Huh?”_

The arm swings wildly at her and begins to extend. Asuka manages to dodge backwards but enough to be missed completely. There is a loud crunch as the back of its hand catches her Evas shoulder and knocks her off balance. Scrambling to get back up it rounds on her and dives forward trying to tackle her to the ground.

“Asuka, No!”

I rush Unit 01 forward and watch as Unit 02 gets pinned down to the ground, immediately the Angels hand tries to go for the throat of the red Unit. Asuka tries to get her units hands into position as I hear her scream angrily over the comm channel.

_“Shinji! What the hell are you doing, don’t just stand there!”_

Barely a moment later the shoulder of my Evangelion collides with the Angel knocking it to the ground. I scream out in pain as I feel the force of the blow go through my own shoulder. Within seconds we’re all back on our feet again. Unit 02 is to my left, the Angel is directly in front of us.

The Angel lurches forwards towards me this time. Both arms extend outwards and I react by grabbing both of them by the wrist. Out of the corner of my eye I see Unit 02 go around the back of it and begin to move forward but in my moment of distraction the Angel darts towards me and I feel its boot hit Unit 01 directly in the stomach. I cry out in pain again as the force goes into my own stomach and I immediately let go of its arms allow it to swing around and catch Unit 02 with a blow sending Asuka crashing to the ground.

It turns to face me again and reaches out one of its hands to grab Unit 01 by the skull. I don’t resist it grabbing me, not out of choice but because I’m too winded by the kick to be able to react. Pain shoots through my head as it smashes the head of my Evangelion into the nearest rock. It repeats the movement a second time and my ears fill with the sickening sound of metal on rock. A third time occurs and this is the most painful one, I feel it slam the head of the Eva against the rock and scrape it against.

I scream out this time as I feel every movement of the Eva’s head against the rocky surface. My forehead burns with pain, the bridge of my nose reacts to it and I feel a warm liquid trickle down my cheek where I’m sure I’ve been cut open.

_“Shinji, why aren’t you fighting?”_

I hear his voice over the communication channel.

“I… I’m… argh”

My head is smashed against the rock a fourth time, “I’m… trying…”

In response to not having my head smashed against the rock a fifth time and also just for him I manage to catch my breath and react this time. I lean the Eva’s head forward and bring the arms up to the Angels wrists and start to force it off of me. In the back I see a flash of red as Asuka dives forward and grabs the Angel around the arms and throws it off of me.

She extends a hand to me and helps me up.

_“Right. Nothing like a good challenge eh Shinji?”_

She dives towards the Angel with her knife out, “No Asuka!”

“Idiot, I told you not to distra-“

Too late, the distraction causes the Angel to bring its arms forward and stop Unit 02 in its tracks. I look on as I hear Asuka cry out in pain from the choking. It slowly lifts Unit 02 up until it’s just off the ground. For a moment I look on horrified, I feel like I’ve seen this before but I’m quickly snapped out of it by my father’s voice.

_“What are you doing? Go and fight it! That is an order!”_

 I hear Asuka let out another scream as I see the two of them and feel the Progressive Knife in my Eva’s hand. If I don’t do something, he’ll activate it but… I can’t but… it’s hurting Asuka… it’s hurting the person I love. I watch as the black substance on it begins to crawl up its arm and towards Unit 02. Asuka lets out another scream of pain and struggles at the Angels arms to try to break free. I can hear the comm chatter.

_“Sir it’s infecting Unit 02… shall we eject the pilot.”_

_“No, not yet. Shinji do something!”_

I slowly stagger to my feet and fix my eyes forward. Anything I do now will be nothing compared to what will happen if I do nothing. I don’t want to hurt Touji but he could die and Asuka could be seriously hurt too. I can’t let it hurt Asuka because of me, I won’t let Asuka be hurt because of me! I love her too much to watch her be hurt.

I’m sorry Touji.

I let out a scream and dive forward with the knife clutched tightly. It feels like an eternity but eventually cross that gap between myself and the Angel. I dive forward and plunge the knife deeply into its shoulder. It howls in pain, I scream in rage as I see the blood spray from its shoulder. It releases its grip on Unit 02 as both my Eva and the Angel fall to the floor. I pull the arm back and deliver a punch directly to the cheek of the Eva. As it pushes forward and rolls me onto my back.

I can feel its arms scrambling for my throat but I keep moving and holding it in position. Behind it I can see Unit 02 looming overhead. It has its knife ready as I pull the Angel towards me trying to hold its squirming body in place. She attacks with precision, her knife tearing through the black substance covering the Entry Plug on the Angels back.

The Angel howls out in pain with each time Asuka cuts through a strand of it. It squirms more and more rapidly as finally she cuts away the last piece and the Entry Plug shoots out, crashing on the floor some distance away. With the Entry Plug gone I let go of the Angel and smash a fist into its face as I watch Asuka bring Unit 02s knife down upon its back.

I scramble out of the way as the Angel tries to get itself up off the ground but it kicked back down by Asuka. Unit 02s left foot hits the Angel in the chest just narrowly above the core, the reels back and kicks it again and then a third time. I watch on letting Asuka finish it off and watch satisfied as she brings her knife down on the Angels core. With minimal effort the blade cuts through the core and the Angel falls silent.

_“We’re able to get a reading on the Entry Plug again, life signs are stable. Pilot has suffered injuries to the shoulder and chest region but aside from that everything appears to be okay.”_

My father gives a blunt response, _“And the Angel?”_

_“No response, Magi are reporting it as destroyed.”_

I breathe a sigh of relief and look across at Unit 02 now standing and putting its progressive knife away. We did it, thank you Asuka.

\---

The Entry Plug opens up and I climb outside and nearly lose my footing. I feel incredibly dizzy, probably a lack of food and the blood loss. I don’t care, I stagger past the technicians working on my Entry Plug and see Asuka stood alone next to her Eva. She looks at me and without warning I throw myself at her wrapping my arms around her tightly.

“What are you-“

I let out a loud sob as I cry into her shoulder, I don’t let go of her as I feel the tears roll down my face. She doesn’t push me off of her but I can feel her arms not quite moving around me, I don’t care I need to hold her. I need to thank her. She did it, she really did it. She saved him and helped me.

“You… you’re crying? How disgusting.”

For a moment I freeze up at hearing her say that. I’ve heard those words before and when I look up I half expect to see her as she was that day, wearing the bandages but when I do look at her I actually see something else. She’s actually smiling.

“I can’t believe you’re crying, what sort of man are you?”

I bury my head into her shoulder and apologize as best I can through my sobs. I think I manage to get out a thank you. After a moment I feel her arms close around me.

“I’ll allow it I guess.”

We stand there for a while holding each other, I actually feel her rest her head on my shoulder as well and I wonder if she is actually enjoying this as well. I feel the tears stop eventually and pull away to wipe my eyes and notice a red stain on my plugsuit.

“You’re bleeding… gross, I hope you didn’t get too many tears or blood on my plugsuit.”

I laugh weakly, “S-Sorry… I… you did it Asuka, you… you’re amazing… you’re perfect, you really are. Thank you.”

She looks like she is about to respond when we’re interrupted by a man in a suit, I’ve seen him before. One of the Agents from Section 2. We rarely have any contact with Section 2, the only reason I recognize this man is because he is one of the people who brought me back when I ran away from Misato’s.

“Pilot Sohyru, Pilot Ikari please come with me. The Commander has requested your presence.”

\---

As we enter the office of my father I feel my heart pounding in my chest. I don't understand why we've been summoned here, we beat the Angel didn't we? What could he want. At least it isn't like it was the last time, at least I'm not handcuffed and at least I have Asuka here with me. I sneak a glance at her as we enter the room. I've rarely seen her look nervous but this is one of those times. I guess my father has that effect on people. It doesn't help that his office is dimly lit, has some large symbol on the floor and appears to be a lot larger than it has to be. If it wasn't for the fact that it scared me I'd probably say this was stupid.

As we enter the Section 2 man behind us bows at my father and leaves the room. I can already feel my fathers piercing glare from behind his glasses. Fuyutsuki on the other hand doesn't give off the same feeling of intimidation.

"Why did you both disobey my orders?"

My father speaks, his tone no different than it usually is. If it was Misato or Fuyutsuki asking us we'd be able to get some sense of their feelings towards the question. We'd be able to pick up anger or annoyance but no such thing with my father. If anything it feels like he's inconvenienced by having to do this.

I bow my head not knowing how to answer, thankfully Asuka speaks up.

"Commander?"

"I gave you all very specific instructions. You were to be positioned apart from each other in order to engage the Angel. Why did you disobey that order?"

I look at Asuka just as she looks at me, I step forward. It was my idea so I should take responsibility for it. Asuka had nothing to do with this.

"Father I ca-"

"It was my idea."

I'm cut off by Asuka as she steps beside me.

"We knew little about the Angel only that it had taken over Evangelion Unit 03 and that there was a pilot trapped inside. Knowing that the American branch had possibly given Unit 03 some upgrades over what we currently fight with I made the request for Shinji to come to my position to engage the Angel with me as a back up."

"You focused heavily on freeing the pilot first rather than engaging the Angel?"

"Yes sir, I wanted to make sure the pilot was free first before killing the Angel."

"You know what your priority is don't you?"

"Defeating the Angels sir, but I felt that given the resources we have and some of the problems that have presented themselves with both this and the previous Angel losing a valuable resource like a pilot was something that should be prevented."

She pauses as I look her up and down. I've never heard Asuka talk this formally before, it's like she is a different person but I guess she has to act like this with my father. He is the Commander.

"Why did you now confirm your actions with us first?"

"I felt we had to act quickly, so I took matters into my own hands. I felt that given my experience and training I was capable of handling this. I am willing to accept any punishment you feel is necessary."

A silence falls around us as I suddenly become engrossed in the plant at the far end of the room. Is that new? I don't know, maybe Fuyutsuki brought it in to brighten up the place. I turn towards the desk again and see my father say something quietly to Fuyutsuki. I look at Asuka, her eyes are fixed firmly forward but I can see sweat trickling down her forehead. After what feels like an eternity Fuyutsuki finally speaks.

"There will be no punishment. Our priority is to defeat the Angels at any cost and that is exactly what happened. Thanks to your quick thinking Pilot Sohryu we were also able to spare the life of Pilot Suzahara which as you say could benefit us in the future. I will however caution you both to not take matters into your own hands in the future. There is a reason we have a bridge crew and that is to calculate and assess strategies to give to you both. Please keep in mind the importance of that communication going forward."

Communication? From them? I might actually laugh if I could.

"Yes sir."

I follow Asuka with a 'yes sir' of my own and we both leave the room and both of us sigh a breathe of relief on entering the brightly lit corridor. My eyes barely have time to adjust before Asuka spins around and pushes me up against the wall. She scowls at me but her eyes seem to lack any of that anger.

She's beautiful, even now as she's covered in sweat, still in her plugsuit, covered in LCL and pinning me up against the wall. Especially the last part she's beautiful. I resist the urge to place my hands on her sides and instead wait for her to speak.

"You owe me."

I nod my head, "I... I do, thank you. I'll... umm, dinner? Tonight? I'll book a place this time?"

She shakes her head, "No, not dinner tonight. Tonight we're visiting Misato in hospital, tomorrow night you're taking me to a concert in town. You will purchase the tickets after we're done showering. You will mention you are with NERV and that will secure us seats on the first few rows, how do I know this you ask? I already checked."

She lets go of me but then pushes a finger into my chest, "You will dress smartly for this occasion and while we are out you will buy me one piece of merchandise that I want. Don't worry, it'll only be a T-Shirt. You will also be sure to hold my hand to and from the venue? Do you understand me?"

I nod my head, I have no problem with those terms at all. She didn't have to ask about any of it. I'd have happily done that anyway.

"Good, the concert is for helping you save your friend. The T-Shirt is for me having to face your father and this... this is because I like you."

She leans in and kisses me on the cheek before turning and walking down the corridor towards her locker room.


	14. Catalyst

**Day Five**

I don’t think I’ll ever be happy again. I don’t think I’ll ever smile again. I don’t think I’ll ever laugh again. I don’t think I’ll ever feel alive again. All there is now is numbness as I stand over his body and look at his peaceful form. He’s been this way for a five now, hooked up to an array of devices monitoring his body. His chest rising and falling slowly.

Every so often a nurse or Fuyutsuki will enter the room to check his vitals, they’ll run a test or take some blood or whatever it is they do and they’ll leave. They won’t speak to me anymore. They gave up on speaking to me three days ago when they realized I wasn’t going to respond.

That’s alright though. I don’t want to speak to them and they shouldn’t want to speak to me. After all this is my fault. I’m the reason for Shinji being in this state. I’m the reason he nearly bled out on that street. I’m the reason they had to perform emergency surgery to remove the bullet fragments from deep within his body. I’m the reason Misato cries at night.

I failed him and I failed myself. I made a promise that I’d protect him no matter what. I made a promise to make him happy so that I could make up for what a wretched human being I’ve been. I made a promise that I’d love him like he loves me. It wasn’t a game and it wasn’t a prank. I loved Shinji Ikari, I really fucking loved him. I gave myself to him, my body and my heart and I was happy.

Yet as is the story in my miserable life just at the point in which I was happiest I’ve had it torn away from me. When I lost Eva I thought I had lost everything but then I found out something about my mother. I regained Eva for just a time only to lose it again. I had nothing when I entered Instrumentality but then I found out he was calling for me, he loved me and needed me and I realized I loved and needed him too. I had a purpose again.

Yet in the end I failed and it’s all my fault. If I hadn’t have ran away like that this wouldn’t have happened. We’d have been safe in our room right now. We’d have been screwing each other’s brains out right now. That’s one of the worst things about this, lying alone in our bed at night wishing for him to be next to me. Wishing for me to be able to climb on top of him. Wishing that I could hear him moan my name. Wishing that I could hold him when I climaxed. Yet I can’t and all I’m left with is a sick feeling in my stomach and staring at my soiled hand.

“Miss Sohryu?”

I don’t turn to greet the person who has entered the room. I think it’s a nurse, I don’t know which one and I don’t care.

“I’m sorry Miss Sohryu but I’m going to have to ask you to leave… we need to close up. You can come back tomorrow.”

Without saying a word I turn and leave the room. I can feel her sympathetic stare on me as I leave. I feel like telling her to not bother. I don’t deserve any sympathy.

**Day Six**

The door to my Entry Plug opens and the daylight streams in and across my face. All I can feel is pain running throughout my body. The Angel has been defeated and I… I did nothing. I couldn’t do anything against it. All I could do was freeze up as I felt it bore its way into my mind. I feel sick and violated. I feel a pair of arms reach into the plug and pull me out.

I’m placed on the ground and immediately lose my balance and fall forward. My vision is blurred but I can make out a blurred arm clad in a yellow hazmat suit grab me and stop me from falling flat on my face. I can hear someone mumble something about contamination and I’m sat down on a piece of flat ground as the two people in their hazmat suits wander away from me.

Heh… contaminated. I suppose that makes sense, not content with violating it’s also left something inside me and now no one can come near me. I just have to sit here all alone, well that’s fine. I don’t need anyone. I don’t need them. I don’t need… I bite my lip to stop the tears from forming in my eyes. I promised I wouldn’t cry and I’m not about to do it now. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.

It shown me everything, everything I hate about myself. Everything that has happened to me in my life. It shown me what I had become, and peeled back all the layers of my soul revealing what I really was. Just a frightened little girl trying to act big. In a matter of seconds it brought the safe and secure wall I had built up around myself tumbling down. I feel sick.

In the distance I can see Unit 00 being pulled back into the ground. I was saved by Wondergirl, fucking amazing. I was… I was… I fucking hate this. I hate it. I hate it so damn much. I hate them all.

“Asuka… “

The voice snaps me to attention for a moment. Stupid Shinji has turned up, and where was he during all of this? Nowhere, that’s where he was. He didn’t even try, he just sat in his Eva and watched it all happen. Watched as I was violated and humiliated for the world to see.

“Are you alright?”

“Do I look like I’m alright, just go away. Idiot.”

“I… I’m sorry.”

I stand up and turn to face him, “You’re sorry… you’re fucking sorry? Idiot, just fuck off. You have no idea do you.”

He bows his head but stands his ground on the outside of the barrier. Part of me wants to rush over there and slap him and beat him to a pulp. Another part of me wants nothing more than for him to break through the barrier and hold me. Why won’t you hold me Shinji? Why can’t you see I’m hurting here?

My visions returned to normal and I can see the caution tape set out around me. He’s standing about three metres away and is as close to the tape as is possible. He’s still wearing his plugsuit and we’re the only two people up here. I guess no one else wanted to be near me. Of course if it was Shinji or Wondergirl they’d all be flocking to their side. No one gives a damn about the piece of shit called Asuka. Except for this idiot in front of me.

I take a step towards him and I screw up my hand in a fist. To his credit he doesn’t move as I continue to move towards him. I get closer and he looks me in the eye as I bring my fist back. I push it forward but without any warning he catches it and pulls me towards him wrapping his arms around me tightly and pulling me towards the barrier.

“Asuka… I’m so sorry… they… they wouldn’t let me do anything. They kept me in there and… I tried but they wouldn’t let me…”

He’s actually holding me, in an instant the anger drains from me and I feel like a little girl that’s being held by their mother after falling down in the playground. I wrap my arms around him and snuggle my head into his shoulder and whisper, “Idiot. They think I’m contaminated… aren’t you worried about getting into trouble?”

He only holds me tighter, “I don’t care. They can quarantine me as well if they want… I love you Asuka.”

I’m surprised by his boldness and his words but I can’t help but smile, “Shinji I… I love you to-“

A loud sound echoes throughout the air and I feel his body go limp against mine. What… what is this? No… this can’t be… this… not after what just happened to me. I reach up with my hand and pull it away to see the blood stains on my gloved hand. I feel his body slump against mine and look around frantically.

I scream.

**Day Six - 0430**

My eyes flicker open and I’m immediately met with an immense pain in my lower stomach. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, I have a nightmare combining two of my worst memories and wake up to start my period. I climb out of bed to go and sort myself out and stumble as another pain goes through me. Fucking stupid cramps, why do I always have to suffer with them this much.

I stagger into the bathroom with the memory of the dream still fresh in my memory. It almost feels like I can see sense his weight on me as his body slumped against mine. If I look at my hand I can almost see the bloodstain.

I do what I need to in the bathroom and finish up my splashing water on my face. I look up at myself in the mirror. I’m met with a pale face, heavy bags under my eyes and a gaunt expression. I’ve barely slept since he was shot. I was never a good sleeper as it was, until I started to share a bed with him. Just him being nearby helped me to sleep. Now it’s back to the mixture of nightmares and coupled with these cramps I don’t think I’ll be getting anymore sleep tonight.

I decide that I’ll go and see him. I don’t care if they don’t want any visitors in there, I can’t stay in this room for the rest of tonight.

I throw on some pyjamas, usually I’ll sleep in just my panties and a loose t-shirt, or if Shinji is lucky just my panties. I always got too warm in pyjamas but if I’m leaving the room it’s probably for the best I put some on. After I’m dressed I put on my shoes and slip out of the room and head for the elevator.

A few minutes later after passing through the deserted corridors I enter the medical wing. I had hoped it’d be empty but unfortunately I’m greeted by the surprised look of Fuyutsuki as I enter the room.

“Asuka, are you alright?”

I decide I’m finally going to have to speak, “I… period cramps, I need painkillers…”

I feel myself blush as I ask for painkillers. It’s so stupid that even I get embarrassed by that sort of thing. Thankfully Fuyutsuki doesn’t ask any questions and goes to a cabinet.

“Of course.”

I wander through the door to Shinjis room and I see two chairs set out. I lay myself down on them and pull my knees up to my chest. A moment later Fuyutsuki enters the room and looks down at me, he hands me a glass of water and tablet. I sit up and take the tablet gently sipping at the water.

“Asuka you can’t stay here.”

I lie back down and ignore him. If he doesn’t want me here he’ll have to forcibly remove me and if he lays a finger on me I’m going to put up a fight.

Instead of trying to convince me he looks at Shinji and then back to me. Then he surprises me with what he says next.

“I guess it won’t hurt for you to be here. I’ll get you a pillow and some blankets.”

**Day Seven**

Here I am again standing over his bed and looking down at his body. The exact same thing I've done for the past seven days. Fuyutsuki is letting me sleep in the room now so I can be close to Shinji. I asked him when Shinji will wake up. He just looked down at the ground and mumbled that he didn’t know. That they have got the bullet out, patched him up and are monitoring him. There was something in his voice when he spoke to me though, something he isn't telling me. There is something none of them are telling me.

I've seen them out the corner of my eye whispering to each other. Fuyutsuki and Kaji's sister, Misato and Fuyutsuki, the nurses and Misato, Kaji's sister and Misato. They keep on having meetings and talking about things. I suppose it's to do with the people who attacked us, the ones who hurt Shinji. They don't tell me anything though, instead they just look at me with concerned stares as I continue to look over Shinji's comatose body.

I feel a sharp pain in my stomach, the cramps haven't let up for me this time around. Usually I'll suffer the worst with them on the first day and by the second I'll feel somewhat better. They're staying around longer this time though. A punishment for me causing Shinji to be this way I guess, my bodies way of making me suffer.

"Asuka? Can I come in?"

I hear Misato's voice behind me, she doesn't wait for me to answer her question. She knows I won't answer her, I only speak when I need to.

"Asuka we need to talk. You can't stay like this, I want Shinji to wake up as much as anyone but this isn't healthy. Come on, let's go and do something. We can watch a movie or get food. Anything you want."

My stomach churns at the thought of eating, I've barely eaten since it happened. Maybe a piece of toast here and there to shut my stomach up. I won't watch a movie, me and Shinji used to watch movies together. Anything I want? I want Shinji to wake up. Can you provide that Misato?

Her voice takes a move pleading tone as she places a hand on my shoulder, "Asuka, I... we're all worried about you. Please, you can't be like this.

"Don't touch me..."

My voice is barely above a whisper. I recognize the tone, it's the same one I used before Instrumentality to goad Shinji into acting against me. Misato lifts her hand from my shoulder and steps around to face me blocking my view of Shinji.

"I know you want him back Asuka... I understand that..."

"No you don't..."

"What do you mean?"

"You don't understand... you could never understand..."

She kneels down to bring her eyes level with mine, "Asuka, I've been in love... I know what it's like when your loved one gets hurt and... Shinji is like a son to me. I do understand."

I raise my voice, "No! You don't understand! I... This isn't like with you and Kaji, this wasn't two people flocking to each other for a cheap fuck because they were scared of being alone. You could never understand what me and Shinji had."

To my surprise she doesn't retaliate or get angry despite my harsh words. I see a hint of pain in her eyes as I mention Kaji's name but that is about it. Instead she keeps her tone soft.

"So help me understand, let me help you Asuka."

For a moment I contemplate telling her about my failure to protect Shinji and how this is all my fault. I contemplate telling her how we grew closer and how I found my purpose in life again through loving him. I don't do that though.

"No."

"Please, I care about you."

"No you don't."

"Huh?"

That was it, the spark I was looking for in her eyes. Soon I'll push her away and I'll be left alone again. She can't understand me like Shinji can. No one can, and I don't deserve any of them to. I don't deserve it from Shinji either. Yet I keep going.

"You don't care about me, you care about Shinji."

"That's not true Asuka! I brought you into my home, I did care about you..."

"No you didn't! I was just a tool for you to use, just like I was to the rest of them. Where were you when I needed any help, when I struggled learning the Kanji where were you? When that Angel injured me you weren't there when I woke up in the hospital? Where were you when I was violated by that other Angel? You never cared about me."

"Asuka I..."

I can see the sorrow in her eyes, I can see the sadness and the tears starting to form.

"You never cared whether I lived or died, as soon as I wasn't capable anymore you discarded me. You probably would have been happier if I had never came back. That way your precious Shinji wouldn't be lying on that bed right now."

I feel a sharp sting across my cheek as my face snaps to the side. I bring my hand up to feel the warm mark from where she slapped me. She yells out at me.

"Stop this now!"

I want to retaliate to yell something else. I want to hit her back just so she can hit me again. I want her to give me exactly what I deserve and kick my ass until I’m unconscious but on opening my mouth I'm hit by another pain in my stomach. My hand travels down as I double over and scream out. A wave of nausea washes over me as I still try to say something in retaliation. I'm not going to let it end there, I'm going to keep pushing, I have to keep pushing.

Even as my vision blurs, and black dots appear in front of my eyes I try. I can't though, I stumble to my feet and try to rush towards the door but make it only a few feet before dropping to my knees and throwing up what little contents there are in my stomach. Pain soars through me as I retch, bringing tears to my eyes.

I feel her kneel down next to me and hold my hair for me as the humiliating ordeal comes to an end. She pulls me away from the mess and I try to get to my feet but instead end up collapsing in her arms. I want to fight, I want to break out but I can barely move. Instead something else takes over. I rest my head on her shoulder and cry as she gently strokes my back.

"Asuka... I do care about you. I... I know I haven't exactly shown that but, I promise I will..."

My stomach hurts, my chest hurts and my eyes sting as I finally let myself cry in the arms of my guardian. Through the sobs I say the only thing I can think of at this time. The desperate cries of the lonely person I am.

"It’s all my fault… I... want... I want my Mama..."

Misato rubs my back and shushes me, "I know... I know you do."

\---

I close the door to Shinji’s room behind me and go to check on Asuka who is sleeping peacefully on one of the beds nearby. It’s hard to believe just looking at her lying there just what she has had to live through. She looks completely innocent, like any other girl. Yet I know what has happened to her throughout her life. Hard to think that the young girl there was yelling at me moments ago, trying to goad me into a conflict before ending up sobbing herself to sleep in my arms.

In the room I’ve just left is Shinji Ikari, another victim in this whole thing. Shot in the chest just over a week ago by a group we still know little to anything about. All we know is they appear to be followers of SEELE and are committed to destroying that which stopped their plans.

When I woke up on that beach a week ago I didn’t really know what to expect. I was picked up by a young woman who introduced herself to me as Rebecca Kaji. Ryoji’s sister, I knew he had one but he never spoke about her. Kaji tried but couldn’t keep her with him, and they lost contact. I didn’t know they had found each other again. That’s just Kaji’s way though, to not tell me important things like that.

I was excited when I was picked up though. I was excited to see Shinji again and to see Asuka again. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I knew it’d be emotional but I didn’t think so shortly after I returned it’d all come crashing down again so easily.

Rebecca and her team got the small group responsible for it. There were three of them. Two of them were shot and the third captured. He told us about the followers of SEELE. That there will be more and for us to watch our back. Shortly afterwards he died, killing himself via some implant in his body. It’s scary enough that in this new world there are people out there who want to kill these children, even more so that they’re willing to sacrifice themselves to do it. With the Angels it seemed simple but with humans… it comes much more complicated.

I look back at Asuka’s sleeping form just in time for Fuyutsuki to enter the room. I greet the former NERV Sub-Commander somewhat coldly. I haven’t forgotten what he was a part of and that all that happened in NERV happened under his nose. Yet I need to put my hopes in him to help Shinji and Asuka right now. He’s the most qualified person in this shelter to do that. So I’ll put any bitterness aside for their sake.

“She’s still asleep.”

“Yeah, I cleaned up the mess she made in the room. Sorry about that.”

“It’s a medical wing, a little bit of mess like that is to be expected.”

“This is all my fault isn’t it?”

I look at the old man and I see him regard me with a curious stare, “Why would you say that?”

“She told me as much, when she was yelling at me. I know she was angry but it was true. I didn’t do enough for her when she lived with me. I was more concerned with Shinji or finding out the truth behind what was going on at NERV. I knew what she had been through and I never made the effort to help her…”

“Did she ever come to you for help?”

“That’s not an excuse, I was her commanding officer and her guardian… I should have seen what was happening to her.”

Why am I confessing all of this to Fuyutsuki? Maybe it’s because he’s the only person in this damn place who might understand. I continue, “You know she blames herself for what happened to Shinji.”

He nods his head solemnly, “Yes I had a feeling that she might. Just like you’re blaming yourself for the state she is in now. Just as when I look at the state the world is in now and blame myself.”

“There’s a lot of blame to go around isn’t there?”

“Some of it is deserved, some of it isn’t. In Asuka’s case I believe she blames herself for everything that happened to Shinji. She believes that the way she acted to him before Third Impact led to him doing what he did during Third Impact and she has taken it upon herself to protect him.”

“Protect Shinji huh? So she thinks she failed… poor girl.”

I reach a hand out and gently press it against her pale cheek. She can’t keep blaming herself, this has to stop but I don’t know what to do. I turn around to Fuyutsuki and I wonder, does he blame himself for what has happened just as I’m blaming myself and just like Asuka is.

“Do you blame yourself?”

“Of course I do… over the last fifteen years I stood back and let SEELE and Gendo do what they wanted. I could have tried to stop it, I had the evidence against them but fear prevented that.”

He pauses for a moment, “What I was part of… I cannot make up for that. I should have stopped Gendo, I should have tried to talk sense into him. I had the evidence to stop SEELE and they would have killed me if I released it but my sacrifice would have been enough to stop this from happening.”

“Or maybe it wouldn’t, SEELE practically ran the world. They would have gotten what they wanted eventually. Maybe this had to happen.”

“Perhaps it did. Regardless we can only move forward, we were all punished enough during Third Impact. We tried to run away into our dreams only to find them to be falsehoods. Maybe instead of looking for blame and forgiveness we should realize that we were forgiven when we were allows to return.”

I laugh at his words, “You know I always had you figured for the kindly words of wisdom sort of person but I didn’t actually expect it.”

“They aren’t actually my words.”

“Oh, whose are they?”

“Shinji said them to me. I told him that Asuka was right to be angry at me when I returned, that I didn’t deserve any forgiveness. He said those words to me.”

I look towards the room where he is sleeping and then back down to Asuka letting those words wash over me. A part of me can’t quite believe Shinji said them but then I guess it makes some sort of sense.

“Forgiving us all so easily… he’s a stronger person than most.”

“Yes he is.”

\---

My eyes open and I start to wake from my thankfully dreamless sleep. As I look up I recognise the ceiling as belonging to the medical wing and slowly the memories start to seep back through of what happened. I remember the argument with Misato, I remember throwing up and sobbing in her arms. I feel my stomach growl as I prop myself up on my elbows and look around.

“So you’re finally awake?”

I turn and see Misato sat by my side, she’s reading a magazine and has a cup of coffee in one hand. I look away too embarrassed to say anything to her. I hate that feeling, knowing that I’ll have to swallow my pride and apologize for what I said. It’s new to me, normally I’d just shut myself off or ignore the issue but I can’t. Not anymore.

“H-How long was I asleep for?”

“About four hours, I’ve been here this whole time.”

Great, all those things I said to her and she does something like that. Here goes, “I’m sorry about what I said… I…”

“It’s fine Asuka, I know why you said what you did and… there was truth in some of it. The truth is I wasn’t as good a guardian to you as I should have been. In fact I could have done a lot more for both you and Shinji. I failed you both. I understand your anger towards me.”

I sit myself up properly and my stomach growls again. I look away embarrassed at that being the response to Misato’s heartfelt apology. She reaches down and hands me a box of dry crackers, I take them from her and smile at the irony. How long has it been since I did this exactly thing for Shinji to help when he was feeling ill. Now I’m having it happen to me. I take one out of the box and nibble at it as Misato shoots me a concerned stare.

“You haven’t been eating have you?”

I finish the cracker and shake my head slowly, “No… I haven’t, how did you know?”

“Fuyutsuki took a look at you while you were sleeping. You’ve lost weight in the past week, you’re looking pale and gaunt. That mixed with the stress of what happened to Shinji and the lack of sleep and you being on your period has taken a toll on your body. Asuka you’re hurting yourself…”

She isn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know. All I can do is hang my head and weakly reply, “I know…”

“Why?”

I shrug not able to put together an answer. I haven’t been able to sleep because I keep having nightmares about Shinji, I haven’t ate because I can’t. I’m either scared I’ll throw it back up, it feels wrong without Shinji being there or I just haven’t felt like it. I don’t want to hurt myself but I guess I feel I deserve to be hurt because of my failure.

“Asuka… you can’t blame yourself for what happened to Shinji. You can’t punish yourself for it anymore… he wouldn’t want that.”

“I promised I’d protect him… and I failed…“

“You didn’t fail Asuka, he’s alive isn’t he?”

“I did fail. I ran away from you both, if I didn’t do that he wouldn’t have been shot. He wouldn’t be… it’s all my fault.”

She sighs, “They were watching you for some time Asuka waiting for the right moment. If they hadn’t have done that then they would have picked another time, there was no way to know, nothing you could do. If it was any other time they might have succeeded in killing him.”

I know what she is saying makes sense, there has been a voice in my head for the past week saying those exact words to me repeatedly. I know deep down I’m not to blame but for every time that voice sounds all I can hear is an even louder one telling me what a failure I am. Telling me that it’s my fault for running like I did. It tells me that I failed to protect Shinji just like I failed in the fight against the Angels. It tells me that I’ve once again lost my purpose in life. I look over towards Shinji’s room and I take another cracker from the box.

“He wouldn’t want you to be like this Asuka, it’d hurt him to know you were hurting yourself like that.”

I cringe at the thought of him being hurt further by my actions. I don’t want to hurt him anymore but what am I supposed to do? Can I just get on with my life hoping that he’ll wake up? I can’t do that because I want to be there when he wakes up, I want to be the first person he sees when he wakes up. I want him to tell me he is alright and I want to look into his eyes and tell him I love him.

“I want… to be there when he wakes up…”

She shoots me a sympathetic glance before taking my hand in her own and rubbing it gently. As I look into her eyes I see the familiar dark circles around her eyes. I guess it’s just like it was before, we’re all suffering in our own way. Misato can’t be taking this well despite the front she puts on. I’ve been so concerned with myself I forgot about others it might affect.

“I know you do, I do as well.”

“You know it’s been a while since we spoke…”

I nod, “I know, the last time will have been before the twelfth Angel.”

“You never did forgive me for not yelling at Shinji did you?”

I let out a sigh and the memories of what happened around that time come back. It was around the time Kaji and Misato started seeing each other again. It was around the time I tried to kiss Shinji. It was around the time that my performance in the Eva declined. I remember telling her to yell at Shinji, I was angry but it wasn’t with him or her. It was with myself for starting to lose first place and being powerless against the Angel.

I’m too weak to even try to hide my real feelings, “I was mad at a lot of things I had no reason to be mad at. I was blaming everyone for my own issues.”

“Do you think I was too soft on him at times?”

I look towards his room and I smile, “Sometimes… I guess. I didn’t really know what I knew then though and I was a little bit jealous too.”

I’m a little bit surprised at my own honesty in front of Misato but like I said I’m too tired and feeling too weak to hide anything anymore. I’m fed up of hiding my feelings.

“I’m sorry I neglected you Asuka. It just seemed like you never needed any help and Shinji needed all of it. Even towards the end you were back and fighting and kicking ass and I had to drag Shinji to Unit 01.”

I laugh, “I know… you offered to sleep with him didn’t you?”

I made sure to time the second part of that just as she was taking a sip of her coffee. She jerks forward nearly spitting the contents out.

“W-W-What? Y-You? H-How?”

I mimic her voice, “We’ll do the rest when you get back, wasn’t that what you said?”

Her cheeks glow red and her expression is somewhat horrified, “I… I didn’t mean… I wouldn’t, I was desperate for him to do something and I thought…”

I laugh some more and sit up properly. Laughing at Misato has made me forget a little bit about the pain I’m in, “I know exactly what you thought you old pervert and if you even try anything with him I’ll kill you.”

She smirks, “Jealous?”

“Of you? Not a chance, just giving you a warning to keep your hands off my boyfriend.”

“Oh boyfriend is it? I’ve missed a lot haven’t I?”

We both laugh but it’s soon replaced by a sad silence as she realized that she has missed a lot. Shinji and I were here for six weeks on our own before anyone returned. It’s been another four weeks since then. Misato has missed ten weeks and I think she is just starting to realize that now.

I don’t quite know what to say now. I’m not very good at making other people feel better unless it’s Shinji. I can do things with Shinji that I’m certainly not going to do with Misato. Thankfully I don’t have to say anything as Fuyutsuki enters the room. He noticed I’m awake and walks over towards us, “How are you feeling Asuka?”

I smile, “Being honest, I feel like shit.”

"Well the past week has taken a toll on your body although I'm sure Katsuragi has already been through that with you so I'll spare you the lecture. I'm certain you don't need me of all people to tell you what you likely already know."

He pauses for a moment, "With that said I’m sure you’re aware we have to do something. I can’t allow you to continue in this fashion.”

“Yeah… I know.”

“I’m going to keep you in here overnight to watch over you and after that you’re free to go. From today onwards I’m going to have to ask you to now spend all day watching over Shinji.”

His voice is stern, similar to how he would speak to us when we were pilots. I’m tempted for a moment to ask him what right he has to talk to me like that. That it’s partially his fault the world is in this state but to my credit I don’t. He’s the doctor here and as much as it hurts my pride he is right to speak to me in this way. That doesn’t stop me from saying something though, “No I wan-“

He raises his hand, “You didn’t let me finish. During the day I can’t have you in there watching over him. I appreciate that you want to be in there and you want to help him but just standing there doing nothing all day is not going to accomplish anything. I’ll have a bed set up in there so you can stay there overnight if you would like to.”

I nod, it’s a compromise I suppose. “Fine…”

“There are also other things that you might be able to do. Shinji in in a comatose state at this moment in time. In all honestly we don’t know when he’ll wake up.”

My gut wrenches at hearing him say those words. Not just because I care about him but because I can remember my experiences of being in that state. I was in a medically induced coma for a couple of days but it was hell. I remember an endless sea of surreal dreamscapes. Flipping from one hellish world to another. Confronting my demons of the past and present with no hope of escape. I wonder if that is what Shinji is dealing with right now.

“We are capable of taking care of Shinji from a medical standpoint. I do however think it would be beneficial to Shinji and yourself if you were able to take on certain responsibilities in his care that we cannot provide.”

I look at him, “I’ll do anything to help him.”

“I know. What I would like to do then, starting from tomorrow and this depends on my assessment of you as well Asuka.”

He’s obviously referring to how I’ve been this past week in regards to my own health. He waits for me to say something, “I-I understand.”

“Good. In which case I’d like to schedule times for both yourself and Katsuragi to provide certain care and support for Shinji.”

“What would we have to do?”

“Well for a start I’d like to arrange some basic physical therapy for him. It’s important his joints and muscles get some basic level of exercise while he is in this state. Katsuragi I believe you might be best suited for that given your combat training.”

I look to Misato as she nods, “I can assist with that.”

I look back at Fuyutsuki, “What about me?”

“You can assist Katsuragi in these basic exercises if you wish. I would however like to schedule some time in the afternoon for you to visit him and provide mental stimulation for Shinji.”

“Mental stimulation?”

He nods, “Yes, the experience of being in a coma will be different from person to person. Research has shown that those within a coma can sometimes be aware of surroundings. This can at times aid them in waking up and acclimatising when they have woken up. Therefore I’d like to arrange for you to spend an hour with him providing him with certain stimuli that may assist him.”

“Like what?”

“I’ll compile a list but it would be things like announcing you’re in the room when you begin to let him know you’re there. Tell him about your day, read something to him or let him listen to his favourite music.”

So go in there and talk to him. Tell him about my day and how I am. I can do that, I can let him listen to the music we used to listen to together. I can tell him about the lyrics and the stories behind them. Yeah, that’s easy!

“I’ll do it, I promised when I returned I’d help him in any way I could. So I’ll do it.”

Fuyutsuki smiles, “I thought you would. I will warn you though, this is on the provision that you start taking care of yourself. I do not want another episode like the one earlier in my medical wing. You will have a time limit on being able to see him during the day. I’ll arrange for a bed to be put in there for you as well but I expect you to abide by those provisions.”

I’m proud of myself for not snapping at him despite a voice eating away at me wanting me to do so. I still don’t trust him, I still don’t like him but if this allows me to help Shinji then I’ll do it. I’ll put that aside and I’ll abide by his rules.

“I understand”

“Good. For now I’m ordering you to get some rest and to eat something. Katsuragi I’ll leave that in your hands. If you’ll both excuse me I have to check on Shinji.”

He leaves to enter the room with Shinji in. Misato grabs my hand again, “Shinji will be alright Asuka… he’s strong then we think.”

“I know he is Misato. I think he’s the strongest one out of all of us. He loves me despite all I ever did to him. He forgave me when he shouldn’t have done. He’s a special person.”


	15. Introjection

**Day 8**

A lone figure dressed in a black robe stands at the centre of the stage illuminated by a single spotlight. I’m unable to see their face but I rise to my feet as they open their mouth.

_And it’s hey babe, with your guardian eyes so blue_

The figure takes one step forward, there is the sound of pyrotechnics, a flash and smoke and they discard the robe. They are now stood in a pure white suit, chills run down my spine and I feel a hand reaching for mine as the singer continues onto the next line.

_Hey my baby! Don’t you know our love is true._

Drums begin to accompany him. He sings the next lines as I continue to watch my eyes firmly fixed ahead. There is no sound from the crowd around me, we’re all glued on the image, transfixed as the singer and band bring the song to a climax.

_Can’t you feel our souls ignite_   
_Shedding ever changing colours, in the darkness of the fading night._   
_Like the river joins the ocean, as the germ in a seed grows_   
_We have finally been freed to get back home._

The hand around mine tightens before moving slightly and our fingers intertwine. I don’t turn to look at her but I can sense the smile on her face. I know what this means to her, to see this being performed in this way. It isn’t just a performance of the song with the band playing it and the singer singing it. Although it isn’t the original band the act have made sure the entire performance is as the original would have had it. The lighting, the screens in the back and the costumes. It’s all as Asuka used to tell it was back in that apartment.

_There’s an angel standing in the sun, and he’s crying with a loud voice_   
_“This is the supper of the might one”_   
_Lord of Lords_   
_King of Kings_   
_Has returned to lead his children home_   
_To take them to the new Jerusalem_

As he sings the last word he grabs a shining white swordlike prop from the stage. He slowly begins to raise it upwards whilst also looking up towards the ceiling of the concert hall. The music fades out and the lights around him go completely dim and his own spotlight getting brighter. As the music fades out and we’re left with this angelic looking figure on stage we all begin to applaud loudly.

As the final note fades out and the applause dies down the singer steps of this angelic character, brings on the rest of the band who bow and thank us one last time. Me and Asuka leave the packed concert hall and step outside into the cool air. It’s quite cold but neither of us bother to put our jackets on instead quite enjoying the contrast from the warm hall. I realize that we’re still holding hands and our eyes meet each other.

Asuka quickly releases her grip and turns away, I can quickly make out her cheeks turning red as she does so.

“Come on then Third, we’d better get home.”

She doesn’t give me a chance to respond and instead starts walking. I catch up to her and start walking alongside her. Now the awkward silence settles in as I wonder what I should say.

“So… did you enjoy yourself?”

I turn my head ever so slightly to look for her reaction, she’s smiling.

“Yeah I did… I suppose I should thank you.”

“It’s no problem… after all I owed you for helping with Touji…”

The smile quickly fades away and I get the suspicion I’ve said the wrong thing, “Yeah… I guess you did.”

We cross a road and looking down I can see the bus the band use for their tour. Around it are a few people pushing boxes around accompanied by security provided by Section 2. Security provided because our presence at the concert. My heart drops slightly at remembering the reality of the situation. For two hours and thirty minutes we were both able to forget about that reality. We were able to act like people our age do and just enjoy a concert. On leaving we’re reminded almost instantly.

I wonder if the band know the reason for the extra security or if they know about what happens to this city every couple of weeks. Come to think about it I don’t really know how news of the Angel attacks are reported outside of Tokyo-3. Do they know about the Angels? Do they know about Eva? It makes the last song they sang a little bit ironic, singing about and acting the part of an Angelic figure at the end of it while most people in this city live in fear of beings we call Angels.

We have to prepare now for the next Angel. If I remember correctly it’ll attack in a couple of days. It won’t be like that time though. In that world it attacked swiftly and took out Asuka with minimal effort. Rei tried to attack it with an N2 mine but failed and I… well in that world I had ran away from NERV. Only to go back when I saw Unit 2 get decimated by it. This time is different though. I haven’t ran away, my father won’t try to use the Dummy Plug and I’ll be able to pilot Unit 1 from the beginning.

I’ll fight from the start, both myself and Asuka can take it out with no problem. It won’t hurt her, it won’t cut my cable.  I won’t get trapped in my own Eva for thirty days. I won’t let any of them get hurt.

“Asuka…”

“Yeah?”

“Can… we do something like this again sometime? I really liked doing this… with you.”

I watch for any reaction from her. I think I can see some surprise but it’s quickly replaced by a sigh and a typical Asuka reply, “I guess… but don’t expect me to pay. That’s your job.”

Good enough for me. We reach for each other’s hand and continue to walk home together.

**Day 9**

“Okay Shinji, that’s enough for today. We have everything we need.”

“Right.”

A sigh escapes my lips as the LCL starts to drain from the Entry Plug. I can feel its movement towards the appropriate platform and I ready myself for the door to be opened so I can finally escape this place for another day. I’m the only one here today. Something to do with a strange reading during the last fight against the Angel. I suspect it was to do with the Dummy Plug but I keep my mouth shut. I’m not supposed to know about the Dummy Plug.

As I step outside I look towards the end of the platform and see Misato waiting for me. She greets me with a warm smile. Her arm is in a sling and her head is bandaged but she has been happy throughout the week. It’s a stark contrast to the first go around. At this point I had made my decision to quit NERV again, I was locked up in a cell whilst they destroyed my records.

The atmosphere in NERV is lighter. We beat another Angel and we saved the life of a pilot, of my friend. I should go and visit him later today, they’ve had him under observation since the incident. Something about the potential risk of contamination. Misato has assured me that everything is alright though, he escaped with a few scrapes and bruises but he’ll make a full recovery. Again, it’s a stark contrast to the loss of his leg.

Something catches my eye just to the side of Misato. I didn’t see her before but there she is her eyes fixed on a portable games console. She looks up at me briefly and there is a hint of a smile on her face as she powers the console off. The smile is instantly replaced by a scowl.

“Well Third, not bad but you’re still going to have to do better than that to catch me up again.”

“Now now Asuka, an increase of 2.35% is still an increase. Besides you’re probably just mad that you’ve lost our bet.”

A bet? They made a bet about me?

I look between the two of them, “A… A bet?”

Misato nods, “Yeah… well um… we kinda had a bet on your score.”

I can’t help but sound disappointed. Is that why they’re both here to greet me? So they can see who won their wager, “Oh…”

I think Asuka senses my disappointment because she cuts in instantly, “It wasn’t like that! Why did you have to mention that Misato! It was… well….”

“It’s fine… it doesn’t matter, I’m going to get a shower. Enjoy whatever it is you won Misato.”

I don’t give either of them a chance to explain and just move past them both into the corridor which leads to my changing room. My good mood from earlier seems to have gone completely at that news. I sit down on one of the benches. I don’t even know why I’m so mad at them for it. I guess I just expected them to be here because they cared about me, rather than something they could make a silly bet over. I sigh and the real reason comes into my head. It’s because Asuka bet against me isn’t it. Despite my efforts she just doesn’t care and thinks I’m incapable.

Maybe I’m just mad because I’m still struggling to adapt to Asuka being this way. I keep having to remind myself that this isn’t the Asuka from that place. This Asuka hasn’t fought those Angel’s, she hasn’t had herself deconstructed mentally and physically nor has she had to face the things I did to her. This is the confident Asuka who still believes she is the best and her purpose is to pilot Eva. This is the Asuka who wants to reach out but is scared of doing so. I have to remind myself of that.

It does however hurt that she would bet against me with Misato. Especially after the concert the other night, after I thought I gave her the things she wanted. I know she probably doesn’t mean any harm and I wasn’t supposed to know about it but that isn’t the point. I do know about it.

I rise to my feet and the door to the locker room opens. That’s strange, I’m the only male pilot and no one else has a reason to come in here. I stay quiet as the sound of footsteps approach me. I don’t move as the person rounds the corner to where I am.

“Asuka?”

She turns at the sound of my voice, “So there you are!”

“Y-Yeah… I said I was going to get a shower, why are you here? This is the men’s locker room?”

She approaches me and sits on the bench opposite me, “I came to explain the… bet to you.”

“Oh… that.”

“Yes… that. Look I…”

I don’t even give her a chance to begin explaining, “It doesn’t matter, I can already guess. Misato said I’d go up a couple of points and you said I wouldn’t. You lost and you’re mad at me now. I’m sorry you think I’m so bad at this.”

She seems taken aback by how I sound. I have to admit I’m a little bit surprised at what I’m saying myself. I’ve argued with Asuka a number of times since she arrived but usually petty things like what to put on TV or whose turn it is to do laundry.

She stands up and glares at me, “Actually… as usual, you’re wrong.”

I sit back down and she towers over me forcing her finger into my chest. I look up straight into her eyes, “Our bet was on how many points you’d go up by. The loser of the bet has to buy you dinner. Misato said you’d improve by five percent maximum and I said you’d improve by ten percent…”

Ten percent? Asuka thought I’d go up that much? If I had gone up that much I’d have overtaken her significantly, it’d be a new record for me outside of the freak incidents when I achieved a one hundred percent sync ratio.

“That… that’s… you thought I’d go up by ten percent? That’s impossible! I’d have beaten you… a-and…”

She prods me in the chest again, “I know it was impossible you idiot! There was little chance you’d catch me up…”

“Y-you…. You lost on purpose?”

She shakes her head, “No… I didn’t lose! In fact I won, now hurry up and get showered and try to look happy. I booked this place yesterday and we have to be there soon.”

She turns to leave but just as she reaches the end of the row she turns around one last time, “By the way, wear the red shirt in your locker and the waist coat as well. I’ll see you shortly.”

\---

I finish buttoning up the new shirt Asuka left in my locker and stuff my older white shirt into my bag. I sling it over my shoulder and step out of the locker room. I’m expecting Asuka to meet me outside the room but instead I’m greeted by Dr Akagi. She much like Misato is suffering the effects of the Angel attack. She much like Misato has probably came back to NERV far too quickly. She, much like Misato has noticed the change in me.

Dr Akagi scares me though. She’s taken an interest in me since I came back. She keeps on trying to talk to me about my experiences. She keeps on trying to take samples of my blood and my DNA in the name of research. I keep on pretending nothing happened though but I have this feeling she doesn’t believe me. It isn’t just this that scares me though, I can still remember with great detail what happened to Rei. All those bodies just disintegrating in front of my eyes. Dozens of shells just melting into nothingness, all killed by Dr Akagi.

It hasn’t happened yet here but that is what she is capable of. That’s why I can’t act the same around her. It’s why I can’t act the same around Ayanami. The only people I can be myself around are Misato and Asuka.

"Shinji, I've got something for you that you might be interested in."

She holds something out to me, it's a small piece of card I take it from her and turn it over in my hand. I'm taken aback by the image on it. I can see an older woman, dark brown hair who I recognize as Ritsuko's mother. Next to her is a younger version of my father and next to him is my mother. My hand starts to tremble at the sight of it.

"I thought this when I was going through some of my old stuff the other night. I have no need for it anymore and I thought you might like it."

My eyes wander to another figure on the photograph. Her face is familiar to me but I can't quite place who it is.

"Who is this?"

Ritsuko hovers over my shoulder, "That's... Kyoko Zeppelin-Sohryu... Asuka's mother. This was taken in Germany back before NERV even existed and in the early days of Project E."

"Asuka's... mother..."

"Yes, she was... well it isn't my place to say but you and Asuka are more alike than you think. Although I suspect you already know that."

I look up at her and she looks like she is expecting me to confess what I know. I can't shake the suspicion that she knows what I experienced but that's impossible. How could she know about that? All I do is nod.

"I know that her mother died... but that's about it."

"I see, well like I said it isn't my place to discuss it. You can keep that anyway and congratulations on your point increase. Although I must say I disapprove of Katsuragi and your fellow pilot putting a wager on you. They should be taking this more seriously."

"Y-You knew about that?"

"Katsuragi mentioned it. I believe Asuka will be taking you out for dinner now?"

I nod, "Yeah... that's right."

"In which case I won't keep you any longer. Goodbye Shinji."

We say our goodbyes and she walks down the corridor away from me. I stare at the photograph in my hand for a moment transfixed not by my parents but by Asuka's mother. I can see the resemblance now in her face, they both share the same determined eyes and the same smile. I know what happened to this woman. I know why Asuka has those nightmares and why she needs me to hold her at night sometimes.

"Hey idiot, we're on a schedule here!"

My thoughts are interupted by Asuka's voice. I quickly shove the picture in my bag before she can see it and look towards her. Earlier when I saw her she was wearing her school uniform but now she's changed. She must have done so while she was waiting for me. She's now in a long purple dress, accompanied with gloves. Around the middle is a pretty lighter purple ribbon. Her red hair has been straightened and the Neural Clips in her hair replaced by bows matching the colour of the dress. I can see a necklace around her neck and for a moment I'm just transfixed by her beauty. Everything about her is so perfect.

"Y-You look... beautiful."

She actually seems shocked by me complimenting her. Of course she is, she wouldn't expect me to say something like that. Usually I'd just stutter or grow silent. A blush spreads across her cheeks followed by a smile.

"Well... of course I do, now come on."

**Day 10**

This morning I woke up with a song stuck in my head. It was The Musical Box by Genesis, the first track off of Nursery Cryme. I remember the time me and Asuka listened to that album when we were stuck in the apartment in that other place. I had asked a silly question about one of the songs and we just lay there in each other’s arms listening to it. I don’t know why I had it stuck in my head this morning. I hadn’t heard it in so long but this morning it was there, as if I had been listening to it myself on my SDAT.

I stare at the maths problem on the laptop screen in front of me and sigh. In the background I can hear the droning of our teacher once again talking about life before Second Impact and how it changed the world. Maybe I should get up there and talk about my life after the Third Impact and what I'm going to do now to avoid it.

I wonder how many times we've heard these stories. This class full of rapidly dwindling numbers. I look around at the familiar faces. Asuka sitting a couple of rows in front of me, Hikari next to her. Kensuke sat near to me and an empty seat next to him where Touji would be. By the window is Ayanami, her head resting on her hand and her absentmindedly looking out of the window. I don't think that in the time since I arrived I've ever seen her do any work whilst in classes. I've never spoke to her about grades or difficulty with homework. Our conversations are short, to the point and usually about Eva or my father. They usually have some sort of weirdness attached to them.

I've never argued with Ayanami outside of the time she slapped me and even then that wasn't an argument that was just her slapping me because I made a comment about my father. It's even harder for me now because I know what Ayanami is, I know why she was created and why she is the way she is. That should make it easier for me to talk to her and to want to help her but it just makes things more awkward. What am I supposed to say to her? That I know she's a clone of my mother infused with the DNA of the second Angel? That she may as well be my sister biologically? That I know she is the second Ayanami?

Thankfully before I can get too lost in these thoughts the bell finally rings to signify the end of the lesson and the day. I go through the routine of standing, bowing and sitting and begin to power off the laptop. I hear Hikari call over to me that myself and Ayanami have clean-up duty tonight. I had forgotten all about that. Yet another reminder of the strange life I lead. I’m an Evangelion pilot, charged with saving the world. Yet here I’m just another student, I have to perform the same routine the others do and I have to take part in the same chores the others do. I kind of like that though, I don’t want people to treat me any differently because of my status, I want people to treat me like I’m me.

Without any words I go to the cupboard and watch as the last few people leave the room. Asuka is the last one to leave, as she does so she turns and gives me a glance. For a time she opens her mouth as if she wants to say something but then she just waves goodbye and leaves. She’s been like that all day, looking at me as if she wants to say something but hasn’t. Last night she took me out for dinner, she paid for me and we talked. We held each other’s hands over the table and held each other’s hand on the way home. I made her some tea when we got back to Misato’s and we just sat on the couch with her cuddling into me all night. We didn’t speak, we didn’t have to we were comfortable with the silence. When it was time to go to bed she asked if she could spend the night with me. She didn’t even tease me about being a pervert. She just climbed into my bed and I held her.

I grab a broom and turn around and I’m started by Ayanami being stood in very close proximity. I guess I was so wrapped up in my thoughts about Asuka I didn’t hear her. Or was that intentional? Ayanami is a very quiet person.

“Ikari… I have a question.”

I move past her and begin to sweep one of the corners of the room, “You do?”

“What… is it to be in love?”

I stop sweeping. Ayanami has been thinking about love? Is there someone in this class she loves? Or is it something else? Why would she ask me and not my father or Akagi? She spends her life around those two after all. In truth I don’t even know how to answer that question. I am in love, I’m in love with Asuka but putting those feelings into words is difficult. I also don’t really want anyone to know about that, aside from Asuka. 

“I… don’t really know.”

“But you are in love.”

“I-I am?”

“With the Second, I have observed the way you look at her and act around her. You have both been on what many would call ‘dates’ together, are you not in love with her?”

Ayanami is more observant than I first thought and she is smarter than I thought.

“I… well…”

If I told Ayanami about my feelings for Asuka what difference would it make?

“Yes… I love Asuka. I don’t know how to put those feelings into words, I… I want to protect her and be around her at all times. I want to hold her and make her smile… I…”

I realize I’m smiling myself as I say these words, “When I’m near her I’m happy and I actually like who I am. I guess that is what it is to be in love.”

“I see and she feels the same way about you?”

I shake my head, “I don’t know, I hope she does but I have not told her about my feelings.”

“You fear rejection?”

Nodding I continue, “I guess… but I guess… I’m also waiting for the right moment.”

“What would be the right moment?”

I shrug, “I don’t know… I guess when we’re both alone and walking along some nice beach with the sun setting in the distance. Something romantic like that.”

She tilts her head curiously at me as I confess my silly romantic fantasy about Asuka to her. It sounds so silly when I say it out loud especially when I know it doesn’t work like that. In that other place we just said we loved each other, there wasn’t any grand romance there was just… love that grew. I guess this will be the same.

“So love is always romantic?”

Shaking my head I start sweeping again, “Not always, you can love someone and it not be romantic. You can love family members. I love Misato because she is my guardian, she cares for me and gives me a home. I love my friends because they are my friends. I love y-“

I stop myself before I say the words ‘I love you like I’d love a sister’, I’m not supposed to know that yet.

“Family… do you love your father?”

I stop for a moment as a familiar feeling hits the pit of my stomach. Do I love my father? I guess I do, despite all he has done and all he is doing I love him purely because he is my father and I can’t eliminate that feeling. I long for him to care about me and acknowledge me. I know he doesn’t because he is scared but that doesn’t justify it. I can’t bring myself to now love him though. Asuka once told me in that other place that is it that sort of thing that makes me a brave person. That I can still love someone despite what they may do. I think she was referring more to what she had done but it applied to him as well.

I nod slowly, “I do… but I don’t like my father.”

I expect her to walk towards me and slap me again or question me angrily. She doesn’t do either, instead she focuses on cleaning the desk and looks of vacantly. Many people in this class don’t understand Ayanami. Many people in NERV don’t understand her and I know for a fact Asuka doesn’t understand her nor does she like her. They see Ayanami as an emotionless doll but I know that isn’t true. Ayanami has emotions but because she was raised the way she was she doesn’t understand them. She doesn’t know how to process them nor does she understand the actions of those in our class.

I wonder for a moment then how she feels about my father, “Ayanami… how do you feel about my father?”

“I… I do not know… when I am around him I feel comfortable. I feel safe and happy. He wants to protect me…”

I try to not let those words eat at me or I at least try to not let it show. I know most of that is because he is using her but I can’t deny her feelings are that of love for him as a father.

“You… love him as a father?”

She nods, “I… think so. I feel the same way around you… I feel safe and protected. Is this also love?”

Of course it is, because we share a bond. My father is your father Ayanami, whether or not you know this fully I don’t know but it’s true. I want to protect you.

I shake my head, “I don’t know… only you can answer that. It’s something that is just there, you know it when you feel it but you can’t explain it.”

“I see… thank you.”

I continue my sweeping going from one end of the classroom to another. She speaks again.

“Ikari… I think… until you arrived I did not know the meaning of having a family. You and the Second have helped me understand.”

“W-We have?”

“Yes, I realize that I do see the Commander as a father figure but… in you and Sohryu I have what might be similar to a Brother and a Sister. I would like to… protect you all when I am inside Eva.”

I nod, “I feel the same.”

**Day 11**

I don't know how much time we have until the next Angel attacks, my memory is a little bit hazy of this time but if I remember correctly it will be this afternoon when it does. That is if things do go the same way as the other time. I was correct about Touji but I don't know how my actions there might have affected anything else. I don't know anything about the Angels and how they work, why they attack the way they do. It could be that in that other place the Angel knew about the events that had occurred and attacked knowing we were weakened. Or maybe they just attack when they can, it isn't like we can communicate with them.

Apparently what happened to me was an attempt to communicate with humans. I wonder if communicate was successful would we then be able to stop the conflicts or is that just inevitable. It isn't just the next Angel that concerns me though, the ones after that worry me leading up until the last one. Kaworu.

Kaworu, the boy who said he loved me. That was the first time I had heard those words said to me and in the end he betrayed me. Yet there was something about him, he didn't want to betray me but he had to. He was forced to. I wonder if he is alive now and if he is what he is doing. Is he happy? Is he learning about us and training in an Evangelion in a facility somewhere. Does he attend school? There is so much I don't know about him, yet when I met him I was drawn to him.

He said he loved me and I loved him. Was it romantic? It was definitely different to how I feel about Asuka but at the same time I still felt a connection with him. I would have been happy to hold his hand, be held by him and maybe kiss him. I've never thought about my sexuality in that way before. I wonder what the others would say if they knew about that. If they knew I was bisexual. Would they understand?

Regardless that isn't what worries me. What worries me is that what will happen when or if he shows up this time. I know what he is from the beginning, and things are different now so he likely won't approach me in the same way. Would he go straight for Lilith this time? Would my words affect him in the same way? I wish I knew more about you Kaworu, just who were you?

I'm snapped out of my thoughts by a hand squeezing mine. I turn and see Asuka glaring at me and I come to the realization that I've been so wrapped up in my thoughts I've barely said a word to her. There is somewhere I want to take her this morning, if the Angel does attack then it might be the only chance she gets to see this. I also want to visit him, to maybe try and steer him off of the path he is on. I don't quite know how yet but maybe the sight of me and Asuka as a couple might make him realize he shouldn’t risk what he has with Misato.

"Shinji, are you going to tell me where you're taking me yet?"

I shake my head, "Not yet, trust me you'll be surprised."

She lets out a laugh, "You woke me up this morning with packed lunches, told me we're skipping school and that you wanted me to see something. I'm already surprised. Don't expect me to cover for you when Misato finds out what we did though! This is all your idea."

I nod in agreement, "I know... I don't mind. It's... worth it to be with you."

She offers no response as we continue walking down the road. A number of gardens and vegetable plots surround us on either side. I keep my eyes out for the watermelon patch belonging to Kaji.

"I didn't realize all of this was here in the Geofront."

I’m about to respond to her when finally I see him emerging from his shed, a shovel in his hand. Suddenly I feel Asuka’s hand slip away from mine.

“Kaji!”

She yells and runs straight towards him. I smile knowingly as he turns to greet us. The same warm smile on his face that he usually had.

“Oh! Hey… Guess you found my little secret place then.”

I walk over to where he is and crouch down looking as confused as I can be over the round green items in the ground.

“Melons?”

Asuka grabs hold of his free arm and looks up at him, “You grow these?”

“It’s my hobby, something I have quite some time for seeing as I’m not needed in NERV these days. So here I am, looking after my little garden.”

Asuka looks around at the patch of melons, “They’re huge!”

He nods and then his expression suddenly changes to one of concern, “What are you two doing down here? Shouldn’t you both me in school?”

“Oh that… well…”

I start to speak but Asuka cuts me off, “Oh it’s so pointless at the moment Kaji! There are barely any people in there and besides I already have a college education.”

“Indeed, but what about Shinji?”

She looks at me and laughs, “Shinji? Half of what he does in that class is from what I tell him anyway! All our teacher does is ramble about before the Second Impact. Why do people like that dwell so much on the past?”

For a brief moment we all look at each other realizing the irony of what Asuka has said. What is our collection of people in and around NERV but people who dwell on the past? Kaji however steps forward confidently.

“Sometimes Asuka, remembering the past is a way of safeguarding our future. If we dismiss that that came before we may lead us to make the same mistakes. Yet while that is true, sometimes dwelling on our pasts can lead us to make even worse mistakes. It is about balance, perhaps your teacher is trying to convey a message to you all. To be mindful of your role moving forward through your education, or maybe it is as you say the ramblings of an old man.”

“I much prefer to move forward, what’s the point of dwelling in the past. It’s not like we can redo it.”

_‘You cannot redo.’_

A line me and Asuka in that other place used to say to one another. It was our way of reminding each other that we had shed that which we had done in the past and moving to make ourselves better. Each time we felt our hatred for ourselves creeping in and reminding us of who we were we would talk and we’d remind ourselves of that. It was a way of accepting who we were and vowing to be better. Except… it wasn’t true was it? That’s what I’m doing right now. I am redoing that which came before.

The Angel I was trapped in gave me a glimpse of a possible future and I’m working to change it. I wonder though… would they do the same?

“Would you though… if you could?”

“What’d be the point, I’m perfect as I am.”

She brushes off the question quickly and without even thinking about it.

“What about you Kaji?”

He pauses and thinks about it for a moment, “There are moments I might do again, maybe correct some mistakes I made regarding Katsuragi but it was those mistakes that led to us being here right now in this situation and having this conversation. So who knows how altering that would change things?”

I watch for Asuka’s reaction when he mentions Kaji. Strangely enough she doesn’t flinch or show a hint of jealousy like she might have done before. Is that because of me? I throw the thought out of my mind, that isn’t the point of me asking Kaji these questions.

“But if it meant you and Misato would be happier?”

“I think the time for me and Misato to find our happiness has gone now. So much has happened. You kids wouldn’t understand.”

“She cares about you, a lot. Maybe it isn’t too late.”

The smile, the confidence fades from him by my outburst. Asuka looks slightly taken aback as well. It is out of character for me to say something like that but I have a chance to avert a tragedy here. My character be damned, only Asuka and Kaji can see and hear me.

Finally he laughs, “Maybe it isn’t… but you never answered my question. What are you both doing here? I would have thought the GeoFront would have been the last place you’d want to visit.”

Asuka looks at me, she already covered for me on the school thing but it was me who brought us here. I wonder what she wants me to say, is this a date? Was last night a date? We never really discussed it. Are we a couple because we’ve been holding each other’s hand when we’re out and holding each other at home?

“It was… I thought it’d be nice for us to come here. I saw the gardens and wondered about it and mentioned it to Asuka.”

“I see, well… it’s nice to see you both getting along so well. I know Katsuragi was concerned about you both at one point but I knew you’d get along just fine. After all, you’re both more alike than you both think.”

Kaji quickly realizes he might have said too much with the last sentence, “Still I wouldn’t be doing my job as a responsible adult if I didn’t remind you both again about the dangers of skipping school. Even if it is, as you both said pointless.”

“S-Sorry…”

“It isn’t me you have to apologize to Shinji, it’s only your own grades and Katsuragi.”

“Yeah I know.”

He smiles at us both and Asuka releases he grip on him and moves to my side. I open my mouth to say something else, to offer more small talk but I’m cut off by the sound of sirens. My heart drops and a sick feeling appears in the pit of my stomach. It’s time. The next Angel has been sighted.

“I guess that’s your cue…”

Asuka looks at him, “You should probably go to a shelter or NERV.”

Kaji shakes his head, “I’m fine here. Like I said I’m not exactly needed at NERV at the moment and I’m safe where I am. Besides, if I die I can’t think of a better place to do it. Amongst that which I helped bring into this world and nurture.”

I step forward, “B-But what about Misato… and… don’t you have family too? I’m sure they’d want you to be safe…”

The smile remains but his eyes change when I mention family. They are a look I’ve never seen from Kaji before, a fire… anger perhaps. I’ve seen the same look from myself when I’ve looked in the mirror before getting in the Eva. Is he thinking about Misato, is he thinking about his sister?

“Unfortunately I lost most of my family as a consequence of Second Impact. My sister is safe in Germany right now though and besides I have faith in you both in protecting us all. Now go, before Katsuragi finds out about my little hobby.”

\---

We approach the corridor where it splits off towards our locker rooms. The sirens are still blaring all around us, despite this the corridor is empty. My heart is racing, not because we ran but because of what this Angel can do. I’m terrified of it. I’m really scared of what might happen to Asuka, or Ayanami or Misato or even myself. I don’t want to get trapped in my Eva for thirty days again, I don’t want Asuka to face that sort of pain again.

There is something else I want to do before this though. I stop at the corner of the corridor and call out to Asuka.

“What is it Shinji, not sure if you’ve realized but there is an Angel attacking us right now and I need to get out there and kick its ass.”

“I… I know that but… I… I’m scared and-“

She sighs and walks over to me, “Scared?”

She flicks me on the forehead, “What do you have to be scared of? Just follow my lead and you’ll be fine. Now is that all?”

“Yea- No… Asuka I…”

The words get caught in my throat. She tilts her head at me curiously before sighing impatiently.

“I… just in case something happens… I, meant to tell you the last few… I’ve really enjoyed the last few weeks and… I love you.”

She backs away and her eyes grow wide. With surprise… no it looks more like fright. I immediately curse myself for saying something like that now. Why did I have to say it before an Angel battle? She was ready to fight it, she was confident and now I’ve just complicated it.

“Y-You… you love me?”

I nod slowly, “Yeah… I-“

“Idiot. Telling me something like that before a fight…”

A small smile creeps onto her face and she walks towards me again, she gets close to me. Her body nearly making full contact with mine and pressing me up against the wall.

“If you get hurt… I will never forgive you Shinji.”

I nod slowly, “I won’t… I promise.”

\---

I emerge onto the Geofront, flanked on both sides by Asuka in Unit 02 and Ayanami in Unit 00. I didn't realize but thanks to what we did with the last Angel Ayanami is able to join us on this. It's three on one for this Angel which gives us a much better chance. Even though I know this, why am I so scared? Why do I feel so sick?

I look out amongst the gardens and wonder if Kaji got himself to a shelter or back into NERV somehow. I hope he did. I get no further time to think about Kaji as the ground suddenly shakes. I look up to see a chunk of the Geofront ceiling fall to the ground. Buildings hit the ground and a cloud of debris and smoke rise up. I grip the controls of the Eva tightly.

_"Okay listen up, we're deploying you all in the Geofront this time, the Angel appeared out of nowhere and it's capable of smashing through our defences. You're to engage the Angel, weaken its A.T. Field and destroy the core. Exactly as we always do. Please, be careful."_

"Right."

It's more comforting to hear Misatos voice over the radio than my fathers. Her tone is always fierce and determined but there is a warmth to it that my fathers doesn't have. I suppose it comes down to a simple thing, she cares about what happens to us even if we do defeat the Angel. My father doesn't.

Through the cloud of smoke I finally see the Angel emerge. It's exactly the same as it was last time. Like the other Angels it's a unique looking being. This one at first appears to be all body, it's armour a patterned white and dark blue. Almost like the pattern you might see on a horse of a cow. On its sides are four orange protrusions. Two where shoulders might be and two where the hips might be.

Above the shoulder protrusions are two addition grey looking protrusions. These would be its shoulders. From each one is a small silverish rectangle. Aside from the energy blasts that erupt from its small face sitting astride the top of it those silver rectangles are its main weapons. They unfold and can extend acting as razor sharp weapons that can cut through most things.

Finally sat in the centre of the beings body is the red sphere that acts as its core. I made a mistake the first time I thought this thing. I let my anger get the better of me, I didn't remain focuses and I attacked it relentlessly going for its face. I ignored the core and I ran out of power before I could do anything. From that moment on all power was given to the soul that really controls the Eva. That won't happen this time, Asuka is here and she is fine. Ayanami is here and she is fine too. We're going to win.

I grip the controls again and move forwards towards the weapons cabinet that has appeared. I look inside and marvel at the amount of choice I have.

_"This thing is strong so we've given you each a selection of ranges weapons. Standard pallet rifles are there but if you need anything more powerful we also have hand bazookas. There is also a sniper rifle in there."_

_"Okay Shinji, Wondergirl this is what we're going to do. Wondergirl you go ranged with the Sniper Rifle. Me and the Third here are going to get a bit closer and use our pallet rifles too. We'll take out the A.T. Field before it even gets a chance to get close. Then I'll run in and take out the core."_

It's a good plan but I already know it isn't going to work. Our weapons will be ineffective against the A.T. Field, even the hand bazookas won't work. It'll come down to near our position and then it'll unfold those arms.

Ayanami offers no resistance to Asuka's plan. I can already see her reaching for the Sniper Rifle and settling back closer to the NERV Pyramid. I grab the Pallet Rifle from the locker and aim it towards the Angel. I open a private channel to Asuka

"Asuka I-"

_"A private channel again? What is it this time Shinji? You don't have someone trapped in there this time."_

I shrug off the sarcasm but I don't know what to say. I can't give away that I know how this Angel functions but at the same time if I don't we risk being beaten. Asuka and Rei risk being caught off guard by the arms of the Angel. I look up at the Angel again. It's arms fold down and go forwards from its face.

"I... was thinking... that maybe we shouldn't face it head on. What if we-"

I curse as I run out of time to finish speaking. Rei has already fired a shot at the Angel and it's accelerated its descent towards us. I raise the rifle and see Asuka do the same. We simultaneously fire controlled bursts towards the Angel and watch as all of our bullets collide with the terrifyingly strong A.T. Field.

_"Scheisse, Shinji, scrap the Pallet Rifles swap to the bazookas. Wondergirl keep up with the rifle. We won't be beaten by this bastard."_

Another deafining shot roars out from behind me as Ayanami lets off another shot from the sniper rifle. It just like the ones before collide with the A.T. Field. I look frantically at Asuka as she throws down the Pallet Rifle and picks up two of the Hand Bazookas. I drop my rifle and grab the Bazookas too just in time to see the Angel land on the ground. As soon as it touches down Asuka fires both Bazookas straight at it.

The rockets collide with the Angel and a cloud of dust and debris is thrown into the air. I hesitate to fire my own and just watch closely waiting for the right moment.

_"Direct hit! You see, just needed a bit of for-"_

Her words are cut off as the face of the Angel emerges from the cloud of dust. I can see now that its arms have fully unfolded and it is staring directly at Asuka.

_"-Impossible... it hasn't got a scratch on it."_

I don't know which happened first, me starting to dart forward or the thin ribbon like arms of the Angel moving forward. All I know is the pain that shot through my arm when my Eva collided with Unit 02. I know the scream I sent out as pain shot through my body and I pushed myself to move as fast as I could.  I know the sound of steel colliding with steel as our two Evas tumbled to the floor. I know the relief I felt as I saw the ribbons pass over us missing both me and Asuka.

“Not this time… not this time…”

_“Idiot! Get off me!”_

I was so distracted by my relief at preventing that from happening again I forgot we were in the middle of a fight. I roll off of Unit 02 and get up just in time to dodge one of the attacks from the Angel. I watch Asuka get to her feet and hear the thud of another rifle shot from Rei hitting the back of the Angel, this bullet like the others bounce off of the A.T. Field.

Without giving it anyone a chance to react I bring my Eva to its feet. I do what I did last time. I run straight towards the Angel. I react just in time to dodge one of the arms coming at me. I scream out in pain as I’m too late to dodge the other attack. It slices through the armour of my Eva and through the muscle below.

I try to keep my balance but the pain is too much, I can already feel the warm sensation of blood tricking down my arm. I stumble over and my momentum is gone but out of the corner of my eye I see Asuka in Unit 02. She lets out a feral scream over the communications channel, she raises her progressive knife and dives forward with unbelievable speed.

She clashes with the Angels A.T. Field, I can see her extending her own field desperately trying to break through it. Her voice rings out over the noise.

_“WONDERGIRL! IDIOT! A BIT OF HELP HERE!”_

_“Shinji, Rei, focus fire on weakening that A.T. Field.”_

The sound of her knife clashing with the A.T. Field of the Angel rings out all around me. I struggle to my feet and scramble for the Pallet Rifle. I’m just in time to dodge another attack from the arm but I land awkwardly on the Eva’s shoulder. Pain shoots through me but I grit my teeth and try to aim. I choose a location just above Unit 02s left shoulder. I wait for the target to line up and fire watching as the bullets bounce off the A.T. Field. Behind me I hear the deafening thud of the sniper rifle sending another shot forward. I watch hoping, praying that it’ll break through. It bounces off the field but just as it does Asuka yells out again.

_“IT’S WEAKENING! I CAN FEEL IT!”_

I look forward and see she is right, she is getting closer to the Angels core. She lets out another feral scream as she continues to push towards it. I focus fire again on the Angel as it tries to lash out towards me. Instead of aiming at the A.T. Field I aim at the arm itself. I watch as most of my bullets bounce off of it but a few, a fair few make it through ripping holes in the arm.

The Angel backs away from Asuka letting out its own scream. It’s in pain, we’re hurting it just like it tried to hurt us.

_“Pilot Sohryu, be careful it is about to attack.”_

_“Huh, what do you mea-“_

Asuka’s words are cut off as she looks up just in time to see a small flash in the eye of the Angels face. Without any hesitation she dives back from the Angel just before a blast of energy is sent forward from it. It catches her square in the chest and she is sent backwards.

“ASUKA!”

I throw the rifle down and run over to the side of Unit 02. The blast has left scorch marks on the armour and exposed sections of the flesh that lies underneath. I kneel down and open a private channel to Asuka.

“Asuka! Asuka!”

No response.

“ASUKA!”

_“Urgh… what… what is it, you’re too loud…”_

She’s alive, she’s alright.

“Asuka… you’re… alive!”

_“Of course I’m alive you idiot. It’s… it’s just a scratch.”_

I turn to see the Angel bearing down on us once more.

“Asuka, stay there…”

I release the knife from my shoulder compartment and release it. I reach for it and bring the Eva to full height, I scream and dive at full speed towards the waiting Angel. I feel nothing but rage and fury as I dive at it. I dodge out of the way of one of the attacks. I try to dodge the second attack from the now damaged arm of the Angel. I hear a familiar alert as I realize I wasn’t completely successful. It’s damaged my cable.

The lightning in the Entry Plug grows red as it switches to backup power. Five minutes remaining depending on how far I push it. I don’t need five minutes. I roar out.

“YOU BASTARD!”

Diving forward I extend the knife out towards the Angels core but come into contact with its terrifying strong A.T. Field.

_‘Break through, break through, break through… come on! I can do this, I’ve done this before… please just BREAK THROUGH.’_

I bring the knife back and send it crashing forward straight through the Angels A.T. Field. I resume diving forward and ram my shoulder hard into the Angels midsection. Pain flows through me as I realize it’s my already injured shoulder.

I feel myself and the Angel collide on the floor and I immediately look for the core of the Angel. I don’t have much time left. I’ve already pushed Unit 01 more than I should have done. I raise the knife and I bring it down hard on the core. An armour plate tries to envelop it and protect it from the attack but I manage to break straight through it. I don’t get the core but it’s exposed to me now.

I raise the knife again and bring it down, the sound of the steel hitting the core resonates all around me threatening to deafen me. I focus entirely on the sight of the core as the knife bounces off the solid spherical object. Undaunted I try again, the knife bounces off again. One more time, a crack begins to appear.

One more time, I’ve done it. I’ve saved us all! I raise the knife and prepare to bring it down for one final attack. I ready the attack, I grip the controls of the Eva tightly and then the power goes out.

“What? NO! NO NO NO NO NO NOT NOW! MOVE!”

I thrash the controls forward, “COME ON MOVE YOU BASTARD, MOVE MOVE MOVE! PLEASE! JUST ONE MORE!”

It’s no use, I can’t get it to move. All I can do now is watch as the Angel discards me from my position on top of it. Unit 01 is thrown onto its back and I’m given a view of the Angel looming over me. It rotates slightly and I see its target. Unit 02 slowly getting to its feet.

“Asuka… no… NO DON’T YOU DARE!”

It sends its arm forward towards Unit 02, right at the same height as its neck. I want to close my eyes but I can’t. I swallow hard and realize I’ve failed just in time to see.

“… No… Asuka…”

Asuka slowly moves around and just before the Arm reaches her there is a blue blur and I realize with horror something else has happened. Asuka is saved but instead of watching the head of Unit 02 come spiralling down to the ground I instead see the head of Unit 00 come crashing down next to Unit 01.

“Ayanami! No…”

I squeeze the controls tightly and feel all the pain throughout my body and the tears streaming down my face. Once again I scream out, “Come on! Please move! I know you can! Please let me finish this… please… mother!”

I look up at the Angel and see its face looking down at me. It’s exposed core and the face taunting me. For a moment I almost imagine my Eva moves but it’s just that, my imagination. I turn and watch as Unit 02 is now standing at full height. Asuka has the knife gripped firmly in her hand. She dives forward. I feel my Eva move again. Unit 01s hand reaches upwards and grabs the Angel by the face pulling it towards me. For a moment we’re face to face, I’m looking straight into the eyes of that grotesque monster. There is a heavy thud as suddenly the Angel is swept away from me. I see the Unit 02 plunging the knife firmly into the core of the Angel and I watch and smile as I imagine Asuka inside screaming with rage and finally putting an end to this.

I watch as finally she lets go and the Angel rolls onto its back. Its body thrashing wildly as it dies. The arm of Unit 01 falls as I’m able to survey the battlefield. The dead Angel, Unit 02 with parts of its armour missing, the decapitated head of Unit 00. The once colour gardens around us are now completely stained by blood, at least those that haven’t been overturned by the battle.

I lie back at the thought of it all. I look again at Unit 00 and see Ayanami’s battered Entry Plug on the other side of the battleground. A recovery team have already moved to open it. It’s strange I should be happy, I should be ecstatic but I’m not. I nearly failed and I nearly lost Ayanami. I nearly failed and I nearly lost Asuka. It’s so cold in this entry plug, I bring my knees up to my chest and sob quietly into them. I feel sick.

\---

I came straight home after the battle. I pretended there was nothing wrong with my shoulder and I just ran. I didn’t speak to anyone, I didn’t speak to Asuka or Misato. I didn’t go to the debriefing. I just put my earphones in, switched on my SDAT and I ran. We won the battle but it hurt so much, I nearly failed. I was so close to watching both Asuka and Rei die because I couldn’t sort things out in advance. I knew what we were going to face and I just let it happen. If I had thought more it wouldn’t have panned out that way.

I don’t even know what Reis condition is. Were they able to cut the connection and eject her before it made contact?

As for Asuka, she won but how can I look her in the eyes after this? She could have been seriously hurt because of me. I’m sat on my bed listening to my music. I close my eyes for a moment until I suddenly become aware of a presence in the room. I open my eyes again and I see Asuka glaring down at me.

Taking out the earphones I look up, straight into those blue eyes of hers. “A-Asuka…”

“Where the hell were you?”

“I-I…”

“You selfish…. Idiot! I was wor- They were worried about you, Misato thought something had happened.”

“I… wasn’t feeling great… so I came home…”

“Don’t lie to me! Misato might believe that but you know fine well you can’t use that bullshit on me. I saw the way you ran… why?”

I look down but as soon as I do I feel her hand on my chin. She pushed my head up until I have no choice but to look at her.

“You will not look away from me Third Child. I want an explanation, now. Why did you run?”

I don’t know what to say to her. How can I explain to her that I knew about the Angel and its capabilities? That I could have put an end to the fight sooner if I had been honest and told her about it. She wouldn’t understand that, I don’t understand it.

“I… was scared…”

“Of what?”

“I saw… Ayanami get hurt and you got hurt and…”

I sniff loudly as the tears that were threatening begin to fall. I feel her relax her grip on my chin at the sight of the tears. I hear her sigh.

“I thought this might happen. Here take this…”

She hands me a tissue and I use it to wipe away some of the tears, “Thank you… I… hesitated in the fight Asuka and… I was scared you two might have been hurt.”

“So you ran away from it? You idiot! If you thought we were hurt you should have stayed.”

“I know that but… I thought it was my fault and… I saw what happened to Ayanami and I was scared it would have been worse.”

“Oh you mean the head thing? She cut the connection before it hit, she’s fine but she’s a little bit bruised and battered.”

I allow a small smile, “I-I’m glad.”

“I’m fine as well by the way, thanks for asking.”

I begin to stand but she pushes me back down onto the bed, “Asuka I-“

“Shinji… what you said before the fight did you mean it?”

I don’t hesitate in my reply, “Yes… I meant it. I love you.”

A look comes across her face, a serious one that I’ve seen only a few times. “Idiot, why?”

“I-I… when I’m around you I’m happy. You’re beautiful. You help me. I…”

“But I’m horrible to you, I call you mean things. I bully you. I take out my anger on you.”

“No… you… you aren’t horrible to me, it’s not… those things don’t matter… I love you Asuka.”

I realize we’re both standing now, I have my hands placed around her hips and her hand is drifting nervously close to my chest. She holds out her hand and places it over my rapidly beating heart. She moves closer and embraces me, her head resting against my chest. She speaks softly.

“Ich kann dein Herz fühlen.”

I can feel your heart, that’s what she said. I don’t know how I know that but when she says it I know what it means instantly. She looks up at me.

“You really love me?”

I nod, “Yes.”

She steps away from me, “You won’t leave me? Or abandon me? You promise?”

I shake my head, “No… I won’t. I want to be with you always Asuka.”

“Good. Then I’m going to make you mine.”

She comes towards me one more time but not before removing her shirt, she shoves me down onto the bed and forces her lips onto mine. My hands scramble around her back caressing her sides gently as she kisses me. Properly this time, no holding my nose. She breaks the kiss and starts her hands on unbuttoning my shirt. She shifts her position downwards and I softly moan as she meets more sensitive parts of my body.

I watch on as she unclips her bra leaving the top half of her body fully exposed to me. Although awkward I’m able to slip out of my shirt. Almost immediately she comes back down and kisses me again.

“You’re mine now Shinji. Forever.”

I nod, “I’m yours Asuka. Forever.”


	16. Catalyst II

**Day 10**

I can feel their eyes on me as I stand before the door leading to Shinji’s room. My hand tightens around the MP3 Player I’ve got with me. I try to not look nervous, they probably know I’m nervous but I’m not going to give them the satisfaction of knowing that. I stand up straight, I look determined and I tell myself that this is no different than piloting the Eva. I was never nervous then. It’s easy. There is nothing to be nervous about.

Except that’s a complete lie. Every time I piloted the Eva I was nervous, I was terrified but somehow I managed to develop the façade that I wasn’t. The other part of it is a lie as well and I know it. This is nothing like piloting the Eva. The person I love is through that door. He is lying in a coma and unresponsive to anything. I have to help him but honestly I don’t know how. I’ve been given advice but I can’t help but wonder what if it doesn’t work? What if I just go in there and nothing I do will help. What if I really am as powerless as I’m scared I am? What if everything I think about myself and my lack of purpose and ability is true, and I am really just a frightened girl without any real power to change anything.

No, that isn’t true. I do have something, I will help him. I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu. I’ll get you back Shinji, I will help you. I can do this!

I open the door and enter the room. I can see him lying there, his chest gently rising and falling. If it wasn’t for the state he was in I’d think he was cute. A little bit of stubble has formed around his chin. Fuyutsuki said that one of the nurses they have hear will shave it in a couple of days but I actually wonder if maybe he should keep it.

I walk over to the side of his bed and look down at him. A seat has been set up for me. On the other side of the room I can see my bed they’ve set up in here as well. I don’t sit yet.

“Hey Shinji… I um…”

Why is this so difficult? I guess it’s I’m conscious my words might have an effect now. Last week I just came in here and I said nothing, I just stared at him hoping he’d wake up. Now I actually have to say something and I’m conscious of wanting to say the right thing. What if the words I say do have an effect? What if he can hear me and while they don’t wake him up they can shape what happens to him in his mind?

I guess what scares me as well is what if they don’t have any effect? I feel like so much pressure at the moment. We’re the only two in this room but I feel like the entire world is watching me. This feels so stupid, I know I’m thinking too much about it. I always said that thinking too much gets us into trouble. So I just start talking.

“Hey… Shinji, I know I haven’t visited you in a couple of days and I’m sorry. They… Fuyutsuki and Misato wouldn’t let me. I… did something stupid last week when I was visiting you. I kinda… stopped eating and… well doing anything and Misato confronted me about it. We had a big argument at your bedside and I…”

It sounds ridiculous as I say all this but I have to explain this to him.

“Well… I threw up in the corner of your room and broke down in Misato’s arms. I passed out and, well they wouldn’t let me visit you. I’ve been staying with Misato for the past couple of days and they’ve been monitoring me. Making sure I eat and making sure I’m… well normal. Relatively normal anyway.”

I pause for a moment and sit down, I reach out and take his hand.

“So there you go, I threw up and passed out sobbing in your hospital room. I have to say when it comes to visiting each other in hospitals, we don’t really have the best track record.”

I wonder if I should have said that. I know how much he hates himself for what he did. I know how much I hate that it happened. I do forgive him though, I hope he does know that.

“You’d probably be mad at me for what I did. You’d probably be upset that I had been that way while visiting you. For me and Misato getting in an argument the way we did. Actually on second thought you probably wouldn’t be mad would you? You’d probably just be sad instead, you’d look at us with those eyes of yours and you’d try to mask your sadness with a smile like you always do. You’d probably even apologize and make it seem like it was your fault.”

Smiling I grip his hand tightly, “I’m better now though, I know it’s only been a couple of days but I am! I’m not going to neglect myself but I am going to help you. I’m going to be here for you, for when you wake up. I’m going to bring things to you, I’m going to look after you Shinji. I promised I’d look after you when we both returned and I’m going to keep that promise.”

I look at the MP3 Player. Despite my words I haven’t really thought about what I was going to say or do for him. The advice I was given said to just talk to him, or play him music that might mean something.

“I hope you can hear me and that my words are getting through to you in some way. The truth is I don’t know what you’re going through in there. When I was comatose in the hospital I saw things, horrible things Shinji. The worst moments of my life shown to me in an endless cycle. I don’t just mean my mother’s suicide either. I mean all the moments, me being horrible to the people who tried to care for me. Me being horrible to you. Me trying to seduce Kaji. The way I acted to Rei for fucks sake. All I could do was watch these moments over and over again and scream out that it wasn’t really me. Yet at times I could hear a voice and… it belonged to you Shinji. It was you telling me to wake up and help you. To call you an idiot to…”

I pause for a moment, “…well the point is despite all the hell I was going through I heard you. So I hope whatever is happening to you, that you can hear me. I just hope you’re not going through that sort of hell. You can’t be, you’ve already been through it and… you… no neither of us deserve that sort of hell anymore.”

I look across at my bed before taking the two sets of earphones out of my pocket.

“So… Misato and Fuyutsuki said I can’t be here all the time anymore but… I’m allowed to sleep in here. I’ve got a bed set up so, well, hopefully when you wake up and you will wake up you’ll be able to come to me straight away. If you need anything just… I’m here for you.”

I plug a headphone splitter into the socket of the MP3 player and plug in both sets of earphones. I stand up and gently put the earphones into Shinji’s ears as I continue speaking.

“I wasn’t really sure what to do. I could have read to you but I don’t know what sort of books I could read to you. I didn’t really read many stories growing up, no one ever read to me so it’s not like I can share any of my favourite childhood stories with you. I had a pretty misplaced childhood, just like you. I’ll find something though for tomorrow, I’ll read something to you. For now though, I thought I’d play you some music. It’s The Musical Box, do you remember us listening to this one?

It was the time we were found by Rebecca and her people. We had to stay in our apartment for a couple of hours and you asked that stupid question about what a hogweed was. We ended up listening to the entire album while we lay with each other on the floor. We had been laughing with each other, cuddling each other and I had been tickling you beforehand. I never imagined the invincible Shinji Ikaris one major weakness would be being ticklish you know?

Anyway… I hope you know that was one of the happiest days I’ve ever spent with you. It was… despite everything it just felt perfect. So I’m going to play that song to you.”

I find the track on the MP3 player and start to play it whilst putting my own earphones in. Immediately the first few chords play of the track. I rest my head down on Shinji’s chest and close my eyes while stroking his hand.

_‘_ _Play me Old King Cole_   
_That I may join with you’_

**Day 11**

I leave Asuka in the restaurant, she's assured me she is going to be alright. I made sure she finished her breakfast but I don't think I needed to. I think what happened on that day was a wake up call for her. It was one for me as well. I should have done a better job at seeing through the façade she put up. I should have realized that she was hurting and could have done with more support when she asked me about knowing her past in the hot spring. All I could do was offer her the advice of letting go of the past. How hypocritical of me, let go of the past? What was I doing all those months, all those years but hanging onto the past and letting it dictate my moves.

Yet I can never let go of the past completely and nor should I, nor should Asuka or Shinji. In fact none of us in this place should let go of it. We should embrace it and if need be confront it but we should also keep it where it is, in the past and strive to move forward.

We've all been given a second chance, or maybe this is my third or fourth chance. I've lost count of the chances I've had and wasted. My father sacrificed his life for me on the day of Second Impact, have I used that time effectively? I spent two of my teenage years practically comatose. I spent my college years in a relationship that I ran away from. I spent most of my adult years plotting revenge against those that took away my father. I escaped death a number of times during this, in fact I did die. Yet here I am now and I'm not going to waste this chance.

Exiting the elevator I round the corner into the medical bay. Fuyutsuki is sat at his desk waiting for me. I don't know why he has called me here, I can only assume that it is something to do with Shinji. When I enter he looks up at me.

"Katsuragi I'm glad you could come."

I give a small smile and nod. It's a polite greeting but we both know that it isn't like I had anything else to do, my activity in this shelter is limited. We still know little of the people who attacked us, after the two we caught died we've heard nothing else and the teams sent out have found nothing either. Besides, when it comes to Shinji or Asuka I'm always going to be there now, no matter what.

I take a seat on the other side of his desk, "Is this about Shinji?"

He nods and hands me a sheet of paper, "Yes, it's nothing to worry about, in fact it might be good news. Take a look at the readings on this sheet of paper. These were taken a few days ago."

I scan through the various figures and charts on the sheet. None of it makes any sense to me but most of the graphs seem to be stable. I can only assume this is a good thing.

"They look... fine?"

He nods and pulls out another sheet passing it over to me, "Indeed. Everything is stable, brain activity, heart rate, breathing, all as we would expect. Now take a look at this."

I look down the list and my mouth goes dry as I see the difference in the charts. The stability I saw in the previous charts is no longer present, instead replaced by high peaks amongst a number of them. I try to stop my hand from trembling as I hand it back to him.

"W-What is this?"

He looks at me, "On this day this occurred for a short period of time, maybe about half an hour or so. For some reason Shinji's brain activity picked up, along with this his heart-rate also increased along with his adrenaline levels."

"I-Is that bad?"

"No, in fact it's good. It shows that Shinji's brain is still active. Of course there has always been some activity there but this is more definitive. His body is working and reacting to some form of stimuli."

"So... he's dreaming?"

Fuyutsuki nods, "I expect so, of course we have no way of knowing. We have not developed a technology that allows one to dive into another persons mind but it is hope that something is happening inside him. He is fighting it."

I smile proudly, Shinji is fighting it, just as he always does.

\---

For some reason I feel more nervous about doing this today than I did yesterday. It’s stupid, I’m stupid for feeling nervous. I’m just talking to him aren’t I? I’m just going to talk to him, hold his hand and play him some music. Yet I’m nervous because I still don’t know if it’ll work or if my words will reach him.

I step into the room again, I’m trying to show the same confidence I did yesterday but as soon as I enter I breathe out and allow my shoulders to hang. I allow the sadness to come across my face and I allow myself to be me. The person under the mask. It isn’t easy.

“Hey idiot, it’s me again.”

I watch for a reaction on the monitors at me calling him an idiot. I thought maybe that would do something rather than me calling him Shinji all the time. Of course nothing happens, it was worth a try. It’s funny how I call him that sometimes, I know he is far from an idiot but it has somehow turned around into a term of endearment for him. He likes me to call him it, I suppose its proof of who I am to him. I’ve seen couples in love in the past, it’s funny how some will attach meaning to certain words others wouldn’t. How they develop pet names for each other. I guess idiot is my pet-name for him.

I wonder if he has one for me, he’s never called me anything except for Asuka. Even when I met him he called me Asuka. Usually he’d have called me Sohryu as he had never met me, isn’t that the tradition here? He opted straight for Asuka though.

I know of course what his friends call me. Or at least one name amongst the many that they call me. They’d never call me any of those names to my face of course, they’re frightened of me. I quite like that, I enjoy having power over people. That’s why I’m always on top when me and Shinji make love. I don’t like to give that power away. Although when Shinji does wake up I’m going to give him a special treat.

Gripping the MP3 Player tightly in my hand I try to force any thoughts of mine and Shinji’s activities out of my head. I can’t think about that sort of thing while he is in this state. It’ll just frustrate and annoy me. I could do something about it but when I tried that last week it just left me feeling empty.

I shift towards the seat and sit down. I’ve been thinking about what I can say to him tonight. Should I tell him about what has been happening outside? Tell him about how my day has been? Maybe something about my past? I already know what song I’m playing him tonight at least, that was easy.

“Misato says hello. She’ll be visiting you during the day tomorrow. She would have done so today but she had to leave the shelter for something. I don’t know what, they don’t really tell me anything but I’d rather it be that way. I don’t need them… all I need is you, that’s all we need Shinji… each other…”

As soon as the words leave my mouth I realize they’re incorrect, they aren’t my words but the words of the other Asuka. The possessive one, the one who told Shinji that if she can’t have him all to herself she didn’t want him at all. She’s been nagging at me the past few days. Trying to force me to regress. I’m trying to suppress her, when I was around Shinji it was so easy to do so. By just holding me she’d melt away and wouldn’t bother me.

Now that he is in this state it’s harder. I let her take over last week, I let her tell me how useless I was for caring about anyone. I let her tell me I had just been let down and betrayed and that I was pathetic. I nearly let her beat me. If I hadn’t tried to goad Misato into a fight, then maybe I wouldn’t be able to beat it back.

“…Listen to me, I don’t need anyone, we don’t need anyone. What a load of crap. Maybe… maybe for a time we didn’t need anyone. We survived for six weeks on our own Shinji. We actually did it and we didn’t kill each other, we could probably survive on our own for longer but… I like having people back. I like having that life around me. Hey… would you like to know a secret? I’ve never told anyone this before…”

I swallow before continuing. About to reveal my secret shame, the one major fear of Asuka Langley Sohryu.

“I’m afraid of the dark Shinji. It terrifies me. You remember when we had to fight that Angel when all the power went down? It was me, you and Wondergirl and we were up on that hill afterwards watching the lights come back on. I was so scared that night of the dark. I was so happy that I was with you and Ayanami. I wouldn’t have admitted it but I was. You kept what lurked out there at bay. Then the lights came back on and I was so relieved.”

For some reason it feels like a big relief to get something like this off my chest. My shameful secret. Somehow when I say it out loud it doesn’t seem as shameful at least not when I tell Shinji. It’s not because he can’t hear me or respond because I know I’d feel the same if he could. He wouldn’t laugh at me, he wouldn’t judge me. He’d probably tell me what he was scared of to make me feel better.

“You know why I’m scared of the dark don’t you? It was dark in the room when I found my mother. The corridor was dark as well. I don’t know why, I was four years old so I didn’t stop to ask about the power situation. So I ran in this dark corridor towards her room. I was so happy and excited, they had picked me as an Eva pilot. I entered the room and there she was… just a body hanging from the ceiling.

So now I’m scared of the dark, I’m scared that I’ll see that sort of thing again in the dark. That it’ll get me without any warning. In the light I can be prepared for it though, I can defend myself or run away. In the dark I can’t.”

I sigh, “I’m scared of dolls as well, although you already knew that didn’t you. Not too fond of clowns either actually. That isn’t because of anything traumatic in my past, I just don’t like them. So… don’t take me to a circus when you wake up.”

I allow myself to laugh, “You know yesterday I told you about the things I did last week? I had some dark thoughts during that week Shinji. I nearly let the old Asuka take over again. The one who rejected everyone around her, the one who lashes out when she wants to be held. The one who was so horrible to you. I can feel her there inside me, I guess… I have to accept she is a part of me. I wonder, do you have that? During the time we were back did you ever have the urge to let the old Shinji take over, to regress to that state because you thought it’d be easier on you?”

I reach out for his hand and take it, gently intertwining my fingers with his.

“You probably don’t want to hear all my problems though, so what has gone right for me? Well I had time to play some games today. I managed to get past that boss we were having problems with. Of course it was easy when I figured it out, just stay behind him during most of the right, keep an eye on when he’s going to swipe all around himself so you dodge away and he also has a charge attack. It was that one that kept on throwing us off. I managed to get the timing down and beat him. I recorded it too so you can watch it when you get back.

Imagine if we had to fight the Angels like that? Holding up a shield while staying in its blind spot for god knows how long chipping away at its health?”

I look across at him, he’s looking peaceful again and I wonder if he is dreaming. If so then what is he dreaming about? I rest my head down on his should and under the thin sheet I move my hand so it is across his chest. Along the way I pause and I whisper.

“Ich kann dein Herz fühlen.”

I smile at the cheesy line and I hold my hand in place, “You know what that means Shinji? It means ‘I can feel your heart’, it feels… strong, but it’s also comforting. It always has been, you know sometimes when I fall asleep on top of you I like to just listen to it as I go to sleep. It relaxes me.”

I lift myself up from my position and bring out the MP3 player and connect the earphones up just as I did yesterday.

“Anyway, I think it’s time for your song today. I don’t know if you heard this one yet. It’s called Untouchable, Part One. I picked it because… well you’ll hear that I guess.”

I find the song on the MP3 player and press player. Immediately the sounds of guitars fill my ears. I lie back down again, resting my head on his should and wrapping my arm around him. I close my eyes and let the song play.

_‘And I feel, like I knew you before_   
_And I guess, that you can hear my through this song._

_And my love will never die_   
_And my feelings will always shine.’_

**Day 12**

I look across at Fuyutsuki as he hands me the sheets from yesterday. A concerned look is on his face and suddenly all my good feelings about Shinji fighting it dissipate. I look at the sheet, with its graphs and readings and it’s similar to the one from the other day. I compare it to the previous one. Trying to see what might be causing him concern. The graphs aren’t identical as is to be expected but there is one anomaly amongst it all.

In the first sheet he shown me there was a reading for blood pattern. It’s a standard part of the equipment here, I don’t really know what it means but the graph from before was static. This time there is a small spike in the graph.

“What is this?”

He takes the sheets back from me, “That is Shinjis blood pattern, at its base we have a reading of orange. At the top we have blood pattern blue. For a fraction of a second yesterday Shinji shown a reading of blood pattern blue.”

I grow cold at his words. I know exactly what that means but it can’t be true. It must be a mistake with the equipment. Perhaps it’s faulty in some way.

“I-It can’t be true, is the equipment fine? It might be faulty! All the interference from Third Impact and it hadn’t been used.”

He nods grimly, “As far as I am aware it’s all working fine but I have asked for it to be looked over just in case. This reading was only for a fraction of a second, it could be nothing but…”

“It… must mean nothing, Shinji can’t be… it can’t be an…”

I can barely bring myself to say the word. I look across the desk and Fuyutsuki is clearly struggling with this as well.

“There can’t be anymore Angels… can there?”


	17. Weaving A Story II

**Day 12**

When I wake up I'm immediately conscious of a weight on top of me. I glance downwards and I see her sleeping form clinging to me. Her arms around my side, he head resting on my chest right over where my heart is. For a brief hazy moment the room feels different, like I'm back in that apartment and it's the morning of the first time we made love. I blink and the haziness goes away, I'm not in that place. I'm in my room. In my bed where last night we made love. This isn't an apartment in an abandoned town. This is an apartment belonging to Misato. This is my home.

I gently lean up taking care to not disturb Asuka and I realize something. This is Misato's apartment, Misato will be here... now, and she’ll probably be in the other room. She might even come in to wake me up. I look across to my small dressing table. I can see the remnants from last night. I need to get rid of this quickly, Misato already knows sometimes Asuka spends the night in here. She caught her once but she thinks I sleep on the floor. She allows it probably because she knows about Asuka's past, and Asuka's fear of the dark.

I blink again and think about that for a moment. Asuka is afraid of the dark? I... don't remember her telling me that but now that I think about it, it feels like something I've always known. Did she tell me that when I was in that other place? I don't remember but then again I can't remember every little thing that we spoke about there. No, I don't think she told me but it makes sense. She hinted at it when the power was out in Tokyo 3, she seemed relieved when the power came back on. She always needs holding at the night and has those nightmares. I think it just makes sense.

I look down, again. Asuka looks so peaceful. I'm hesitant to wake her up this early but if I don't then Misato might catch us. I don't know how Misato would react to something like this. She's always teasing us about being a couple, she's always making jokes and mock advances but those are jokes. This is real, if she found out we were a couple she'd probably like it but to find out we were having sex. That might be another issue.

I shift away from Asuka, trying to get out of the bed without waking her up. As I move I feel her arm tightening around me. She presses her head into me more and I hear her stirring.

"Idiot, just where do you think you're escaping to? Stay here, you're warm."

I'd love to stay here with her, I want nothing more than that but I can't. I listen out for any movement from outside my door. I glance quickly at my alarm clock, the alarm hasn't gone off yet. There is still about ten minutes so the chances are she isn't awake yet. I can get up, dispose of this and we'll be alright.

"Asuka... I... I, Misato is... we... need to..."

Asuka raises her head finally, looks at the discarded wrapper and items on the table. Her eyes widen ever so slightly but she quickly drops her head back onto my chest.

"Oh! Don't worry about it, Misato stayed out last night. Looks like your words might have had an effect on Kaji. He took her out straight after the battle, it looked serious actually."

"R-Really?"

She nods, "Yup, so thanks to that we probably won't have to worry about Misato until later on today. So stay exactly where you are and let me rest for just a little bit longer. I'm feeling a little bit sleepier than usual for some reason."

Trusting her that Misato isn’t in yet I allow myself to calm down and close my eyes. I wrap my arms around her naked body and enjoying lying there, even if it is for another ten minutes.

\---

“What do you mean you forgot to make our lunches?”

“I’m sorry… I…”

I look down at the desk avoiding her and everyone’s gaze as she berates me.

“I didn’t have time last night…”

“You didn’t have time? And why is that idiot?”

I finally look up not knowing what to say. She knows why I didn’t have time, she can’t have forgotten can she? No, that isn’t it. Yet I can’t help but feel hurt, I thought she might be different to me in front of the others because we grew closer. Yet she is just the same and now she is blaming me for something beyond my control, and I can’t even defend myself.

She catches my eye and immediately realizes why I didn’t have the time to make our lunches. I can see the look of horror spread across her face, I can see the apologetic look in her eyes but Asuka won’t apologize to me. Not in front of the class.

“So… I’m supposed to have that bland excuse for food they serve in the cafeteria am I Third Child? Just… make sure it doesn’t happen again…”

“Oh, it’s another fight for the newlyweds!”

I instantly go red at the sound of his voice and Asuka does too. We have even more reason to go red today considering what we did last night. Obviously the few people in our class don’t and won’t know about that. Least of all the returning Touji. In perfect unison we turn around to him and yell.

“SHUT UP!”

He offers nothing but a laugh in our direction. I sigh and turn around to face the board again. Asuka has moved away to her seat and is typing something on her laptop. A moment later a message appears on my screen.

_‘Sorry.’_

I tap out a message back to her,  _“It doesn’t matter.”_

_‘Don’t be an idiot, of course it matters. I know why you couldn’t make them, but Hikari asked me why I didn’t have lunch today so I just… I couldn’t tell her that could I?’_

_“I guess not… I thought you had forgotten.”_

_‘IDIOT! What sort of person do you think I am?’_

_“Sorry…”_

_‘Oh just… You make apologizing to you so difficult!’_

_“Sorry…”_

There is a loud bang as I realize Asuka has slammed her laptop shut in anger. I turn and she shoots me a glare that could kill me. Thankfully our teacher enters at that moment before this can escalate.

\---

I didn’t expect to be entering NERV again today but Misato called the two of us up at lunch time summoning us in. There was only silence on the journey into the Geofront as we looked over the destruction from yesterday. Where the Angel blasted through the ceiling of the Geofront is a hole showing the outside world. Laying at the bottom of the Geofront was an array of buildings from above, ruined gardens and bloodstains from the Eva’s and the Angel. That was the power of this particular Angel, likely to be the strongest we face.

I wonder how us beating the Angel the way we did will alter things. Evangelion Unit 01 didn’t go berserk in this fight. It didn’t absorb an S2 engine and didn’t achieve a four hundred percent sync ratio. I’m not trapped inside there for thirty days. Asuka didn’t get beaten like last time, her confidence has increased.

Yet as we beat the Angel and move forward I’m already scared of what comes next. This last one was the last traditional fight we’ll have. The next one attacks us from orbit, there is no weapon that can reach it aside from the Lance of Longinus stored in Terminal Dogma. It’s how this one attacks us that terrifies me. I look across at Asuka, she’s smiling and I know she is happy but I know what is inside her. I know what this Angel can bring to the surface. I can’t let her be attacked.

My mind wanders to what Misato might want. It was Asuka who spoke to her and not me. Instantly I’m worrying if maybe she knows about what we did last night. Maybe she went back to the apartment found the condom in the garbage. No, that can’t be it. There is no way she could know, we were both very careful to dispose of everything and make sure she wouldn’t find it.

“We’re here.”

The train comes to a halt and the doors open. I follow her out and within moments we’re in NERV’s main headquarters. We enter the main reception area and Misato is already there to greet us.

“Sorry to call you in like this but we have a new arrival coming. The Fifth Child has been found and will be arriving later this afternoon.”

Asuka’s face drops instantly, the smile she wore previously suddenly replaced by anger. I say nothing, I can’t say anything. My mouth grows dry instantly and the heavy feeling of dread in my stomach I’ve been carrying around so much returns. The Fifth Child will be arriving, it has to be him. Yet this isn’t supposed to happen yet.

“A Fifth Child? Found? Is this a joke?”

Despite the smile on Misato’s face I can tell she isn’t happy with the news of the Fifth Child. I know why. There was no news that they were looking for a Fifth Child, they were all informed this morning by the mysterious Marduk Institute. An organization that doesn’t really exist. It’s just a cover for NERV and SEELE. Misato already knows this by now but as far as she knew it was only the people in my class who were supposed to be candidates.

She knows there is someone else pulling the strings and she knows it was they who sent Kaworu. She’s suspicious but I can’t say anything. Even though I know Kaworu is really an Angel, I can’t tell her that. They’ll think I’m insane.

“I’m afraid not and believe me I’m as surprised as you are. Yet that is the way of things, he will arrive shortly. His Eva will be arriving later this week. I trust you both to make him feel welcome here.”

“Whatever.”

I ask the question. I already know the answer but I need confirmation.

“Mi-Misato… what’s his name?”

My stomach tightens as soon as the words leave her mouth, “Kaworu Nagisa.”

\---

It’s been a couple of hours since Misato told us the news of the Fifth Childs arrival. Asuka decided she had better things to do and went shopping with Hikari. She said that she deserved some rest after saving the city from the Angel yesterday. I on the other hand have decided to go to one of the newly formed lakes in Tokyo-3.

Formed by us and our war against the Angels. The water in the lake is red, tinged with the blood of the Eva’s and Angels. In that other place this lake ended up getting bigger and bigger until it joined completely with the waterfront and the sea. Was it here that we awoke after the Third Impact? It feels familiar. I turn my head and imagine the backpacks we had with our supplies in. The few blankets we had. Asuka sitting up and watching over me making sure I wasn’t ill.

All that, those weeks we spent together and the time leading up to it was all an illusion. Conjured by an Angel. Yet I can still remember a lot of it so vividly, it felt so real to me. I look out across the water. I blink and fear grips me as I see something, no someone standing on the lake. Staring straight at me. The water around her darkens.

I step back in fright, and exclaim. “A-Ayanami?”

I blink again and she is gone, the darkened water returned to normal. I take a few deep breathes to calm myself down. It was… it wasn’t the first time I’ve seen Ayanami’s form like that. This place is weird like that. I saw her before I even knew her but this time… it was so much like that day after the Third Impact.

I regain my composure and look out again across the silent lake. It’s peaceful and suddenly a humming fills the air. A song that I recognize. Slowly I turn my head and look upwards. There he is, exactly as I remember him. Perched on that rock. His white hair swaying gently in the breeze, his red eyes and that smile. He’s dressed like I am except he has an orange t-shirt on underneath his school shirt. I swallow as he turns his eyes towards me.

“You know the song?”

I nod slowly, “It’s the Ode to Joy.”

“I like this song, I think singing is one of the crowning achievements of Lilin Civilisation, don’t you agree?”

Much like I did that other time I don’t know how to respond to him. I know what he is but at the same time I long to be friends with him. I wonder if maybe we can be friends this time around. Maybe he doesn’t have to do what he did in that other place. Maybe we can avert it. I don’t want to lose him again, I can’t lose him.

“You look like you have much on your mind.”

He climbs down from where he is seats and walks towards me. Just like last time he stands close to me.

“I… I was just wondering what you meant by Lilin…”

He steps back and I can’t tell if he is surprised by my question. He had used that word in the other place and I stupidly never picked up on it. I was so desperate for love and friendship and he offered it. Everyone else was suspicious of him but not me, it was just like Asuka always tells me. I was an idiot. Yet I don’t think Kaworu was malicious in what he did. I don’t think he told me anything false. That’s why I think I can change that here. I think I can stop him but I just don’t know how.

He speaks again, “I could answer but I’m sure you’re already aware of what I mean. Shinji Ikari.”

“Y-You know who I am?”

“Of course I know who you are. The Third Child, you are unaware of your own fame. You and of course the Second Child and First Child Asuka Langley Sohryu and Rei Ayanami. I am the Fifth Child Kaworu Nagisa. Although again, I suspect you already knew that.”

All I can do is nod. There is something to his words that frighten me. He’s implying that I already knew these things but I couldn’t have done could I? Unless he…

“Unless of course Miss Katsuragi failed to mention my arrival…”

“N-No… she mentioned it.”

“Good. I am afraid however that I must go to NERV. I believe they will want to give me my card and accommodation details.”

“O-Oh… I c-I can come with you if you want? Do you know where to go?”

He waves his hand, “Oh it’s no problem. I’m acquainted quite well with NERV already. Besides you have people waiting for you.”

He nods towards a point some distance away. I can see a car parked, next to it are two figures that I can make out as being Misato and Asuka. That’s strange, I thought Asuka was going out with Hikari this afternoon.

“You should go and see them. I believe we will see each other again soon, Shinji Ikari.”

“Y-Yeah… we will.”

I turn and see him smiling at me, the same smile he’s been wearing all throughout this meeting. I’m lost in what to say so I just nod. I begin to walk towards the car and back to Asuka and Misato.

\---

“So getting a look at the competition were you Shinji?”

Asuka turns around as she says it and smiles at me. There is no malice in her voice like there might have been at one time. She seems relaxed actually. I know the idea of there being another pilot bugs her but she isn’t letting it show right now.

“He was just introducing himself. I didn’t expect to see him there.”

Deep down I know that isn’t entirely true. I was expecting him to be there because that’s where he was the other time I met him.

“Yeah, they were slow getting his papers sorted back at NERV so he had a bit of time to explore the Geofront I guess. Of course it was to be expected, we didn’t expect to get another pilot so suddenly.”

“Marduk Institute goes from taking years to locate a child to finding two in two weeks.”

Misato falls silent at Asuka’s statement as do I. Asuka doesn’t know about Marduk, that it really doesn’t exist. She doesn’t know the real reason as to why we’re the only ones who can pilot. Or at least, why I, she and Touji could pilot. I still don’t know about Ayanami or Kaworu.

“Hey kids, I’m going to be visiting Kaji again tonight. I’ll probably be back late.”

“What? You’re leaving us alone again! Further to the point you’re leaving me alone with him! Who knows what he’ll try to do!”

“I would have thought you’d both like to be alone, given how well you’re both getting on recently.”

Asuka snorts, “Yeah right. It saves us from your cooking at least. I’ll find something to do.”

“There is always your homework and studying. I know school hasn’t been high on the priority list lately but I am still keeping track of your grades and you’re both in need of improvement.”

“Studying? Wh-Why? I’ve already been through college! I’ve saved this city… twice in two weeks! They should just be giving us a free pass. If anything it’s Shinji who needs improvement…”

“Is that so? Then explain why his grades are better than yours at the moment.”

I say absolutely nothing, knowing better than to get involved. Instead I listen to their arguing back and forth. I’m sure I can make out how I’m an idiot and got lucky in the last tests we did. Or perhaps how she would have done better if she didn’t have to focus her efforts on learning the Kanji or helping me.

I feel a small vibration in my pocket and look down at the message from Asuka.

_‘I have something much more fun in mind than studying. ;)’_

I can feel my cheeks burn and I’m aware of her eyes watching me in the reflection of the mirror as I put the phone away. My mind flashes back to the previous night. I think about how good it felt to be with Asuka in that way. I think about how it felt for us to give ourselves to each other in that way and wake up together and I begin to feel familiar stirrings in parts of me. I suddenly change the subject and try to think of something other than Asuka and her body.

“We saw Kaji yesterday! Before the battle, is he alright?”

Misato nods, “Yeah, he got to a shelter before the Angel broke through. He’s… well he’s going back to Germany for a bit.”

“What! Kaji is leaving?”

“Only for a short while, he’s got some personal matters to deal with there. So… that’s why I’m seeing him tonight. He’s taking me out for dinner.”

“Hah, two adults trying to rekindle a college romance. How sweet…”

It’s Misato’s turn to blush, “It’s not like that! We have a lot of work details to go through and well… we… oh shut up! Besides at least we don’t skip around it like you and Shinji do! Going out on dates and pretending it was nothing. Holding hands on walks through the GeoFront… we all know Asuka. Even the bridge bunnies have a bet on for when you make it official.”

“Y-You! It… What… you’re all irresponsible!”

“Hah! So it is true then?”

“Shut up!”

Once again I don’t say anything, I just sit back and actually enjoy hearing them tease each other like that. For a moment I forget about what is to come and I actually relax. I’m with people I love and we’re happy.

**Day 13**

“It has wings?”

Asuka looks up at the white Evangelion Unit in front of us. Kaworu’s Evangelion, Unit 05. She looks to be in awe of its form. It is after all quite different from the other Evangelion Units. It’s humanoid up until the face. The face itself is more grotesque, if that were possible for an Evangelion. Its form elongated and with no visible eyes. Its mouth formed into a permanent grin and bright red colouring for the lips. On the back are of course its wings. Currently folded down.

I of course recognize it for another reason. This is the first in the Eva series, a group of mass produced Evangelions. All fitted with an S2 engine, all made to run with the dummy plug. These were the Units that Asuka had to fight on that day, the day I abandoned the world and did nothing.

I reach out and grab her hand and squeeze it. She squeezes back.

“It’s… different to the others…”

“Hah, so it has wings and an S2 engine. It’d still be no match for my Unit 02, I’d take it out no problem. In fact you could put me up against nine of those things, I’d give it three and a half minutes until I’ve beaten them all.”

My mouth goes dry at hearing her say that. That’s how many there were on that day. That’s how much time she had. I always wondered, if it hadn’t been for that lance, or if she had destroyed the cores would she have beaten them? Of course that was a different Asuka, from an illusion. It wasn’t this one. Yet the images are so vivid. That was the trigger wasn’t it. The death of the person I loved. I drop my head and weakly reply.

“Y-Yeah…”

“What? You don’t believe me?”

“N-No I do. I just… you wouldn’t have to fight them… alone I mean. I’d be there with you.”

“As long as you don’t get in the way.”

“I wouldn’t.”

“Good.”

We fall silent and look up at the imposing Eva together.

“Shinji…”

“Yeah.”

“You’re not going to… you wouldn’t leave me alone would you?”

I shake my head, “No, of course I wouldn’t. What I said the other night… I’m yours, forever Asuka. I love you.”

“Good.”

She releases me hand and steps in front of me looking me in the eyes. She takes both my hands this time.

“Then I have no problem doing this then.”

I’m taken by surprise as she reaches her hand around to the back of my head and draws me close to her. I barely have time to react as her lips press against mine. I put my arms around her and embrace her, I don’t know how long our kiss lasts for but she eventually pulls away and smiles.

“No more skipping around it in public, no more hiding it from others. No more pretending Shinji. This is us now… forever.”

I nod and repeat the word, “Forever.”

\---

There is still a little bit of time before the sync test so I’ve decided to come to the hospital wing. I’m going to visit Rei. I’ve not had the opportunity to speak to Rei since the last fight, in fact since we spoke that one time after school. When she asked me about my father, about my love for Asuka and about family.

I should have visited sooner but I’m still scared of talking to Rei. Knowing what she is and what she is capable of doing and why she exists. That frightens me but I have to stop being afraid. I can’t keep running away.

I knock on the door and enter slowly, “Ayanami?”

“Yes?”

I walk into the hospital room. All of these rooms look the same but for some reason Ayanami’s seems even sadder than usual. When I’ve had to stay here there has usually been a vase of flowers or a few cards left for me from friends. Rei doesn’t have anything. Suddenly I wish I had brought something else than what I had done. I should have brought a card or some flowers.

Her eyes follow me as I enter the room and move to her bedside. Her expression doesn’t change, is she happy to see me?

“I… thought I’d come and visit you, and see how you were doing.”

Her eyes flicker slightly and there is a slight shift in her expression. Just enough for me to notice. Rei’s emotions, her expressions are subtle. She isn’t like Asuka where you can see a change in mood. You have to look carefully, you have to know her.

“I… am doing well. I will be able to go home soon.”

I smile reassuringly, “I’m glad to hear it.”

Reaching into my bag I pull out a small flask, “I… I brought you this. I know the food in this place isn’t great and… well I know you don’t eat meat and they serve it with every meal so I made you some soup… it… it isn’t much I know but I thought you might like it…”

She looks up at me and her eyes flicker again, a small red blush appears on her cheeks as she stutters out her gratitude, “I… t-thank you…”

“Would you like some?”

“I would like that…”

I pour some of the hot soup into the flasks cup and hand it to her, “Be careful it’s probably still hot.”

She nods and holds it in her hands for a moment before lifting the cup up to her face. She sniffs at it for a moment before taking a gentle sip. She doesn’t seem to be bothered by the heat. Her eyes light up even more after taking another sip.

“This is… really nice. Thank you Ikari.”

It’s funny but I’ve never associated myself with feeling pride before. Yet hearing her compliment me like that, I feel the pride inside me rise up. Misato and Asuka always complimented my cooking and, well I know they meant it but I was always forced to do it for them. It was either that or we risk whatever Misato could do. I always felt the thank you afterwards was an obligation. I know that isn’t true, Asuka complimented me many times since and genuinely meant it. Yet this was different.

I sit down and look on as she continues to gently sip from the soup. I’m trying to think of something to say.

“So… have you had any other visitors?”

“Yes… the Commander came to visit me earlier.”

“My father… was here?”

“Yes.”

“Did he say anything?”

“He told me there is an activation test set for today and that the Fifth Child has arrived. Is that correct?”

“Y-Yeah… he arrived yesterday. His name is Kaworu Nagisa… he’s, they sent over an Eva just for him. It’s white and has wings…”

She mumbles something, I can just make the words out, “One of the Eva Series…”

“Huh?”

“It is nothing… what is the status of the Second Child?”

“Asuka? She is… she is fine…”

A smile creeps onto my face, “Oh… we… well you won’t know yet but we… made things official.”

She eyes me curiously, “Official?”

I nod my head.

”Yeah… we’re… a couple now. We… well I guess people saw us but we’re not hiding it anymore.”

“I see, in which case I believe Aoba, Hyuga and Maya owe me 1,000 yen each. That is quite agreeable.”

I’m a little bit confused by her words and then I think back on what Misato said to me and Asuka yesterday about them having a bet on us. Did Rei…

“Rei… did you put a bet on me and Asuka?”

“Yes.”

I can’t be mad at Rei. The technicans maybe for gambling on myself and Asuka but Rei, I can’t be mad at that because it’s so funny. I’m actually laughing at how ridiculous it is, the idea of Rei not only gambling and betting on something like that but actually winning. The person who is supposed to be cold and emotionless according to everyone else actually managed to win a bet on when me and Asuka would become a couple.

“They asked if I would like to place a wager expecting me to not accept or to get it wrong. I was however able to place an educated guess on when such an announcement would occur based on how close the two of you have grown recently and the fact that there was an Angel attack recently. I felt that the two of you would likely make the announcement sooner rather than later. I believe the others expected it to happen at the earliest another two weeks from now.”

“I… see, congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Ikari…”

“Yes.”

“I hope the two of you will be very happy together.”

“T-Thank you.”

\---

The synchronisation tests went exactly as expected. Asuka came out on top as always with me close behind. Kaworu was third by a couple of points. Rei is still in the hospital after the accident so wasn’t a part of the tests today. Kaworu’s performance did of course raise some eyebrows from people. They were amazed at how high his score was so early on. I imagine Misato, Akagi and my father will already suspect what Kaworu is. The others will just see it that he is a natural or it was a fluke.

Kaworu and Asuka met for the first time today. They didn’t say much to each other, Asuka shook his hand and warned him to ensure he didn’t get in his way when the next Angel attacked. Kaworu smiled and told her that he has no intention of hindering her.

I look across at the showers before slowly getting up and walking towards them. I carefully take the towel off and step inside and let the warm water wash over me. Immediately I’m aware of his presence near to me.

“O-Oh hey…”

“The Second Child… she is competitive when it comes to piloting…”

Smiling I nod, “Asuka is… very competitive, she worked hard to be the best but… she’s more than that! She is kind, and… really clever and…”

“You like the Second very much don’t you?”

“Yeah… Asuka is very special to me.”

“I see, she brings you happiness?”

“Yeah… before I came here, I didn’t think I could be happy, I didn’t think I deserved to be happy. My father had left me with my old teacher. I didn’t really have any friends or aspirations. I came here and they just wanted me to pilot Eva but Asuka… she and I…”

Why am I telling him this despite knowing what he is? Why am I opening up to Kaworu like this? I know I shouldn’t but I can’t help it.

“I am glad you found the happiness that you seek Shinji Ikari.”

“Yeah… me too.”

“I often feel that humans go their lives feeling that they have to suffer to truly live. Your hearts are so delicate.”

“B-But… a world without that suffering would be meaningless, we wouldn’t be able to find true happiness without that suffering first. It’d just end up being empty.”

He looks surprised by my words. Maybe I’m surprised at them myself but it’s true. I don’t like pain, I hate feeling pain and I’m terrified of it or being betrayed. Yet I know I have to feel it, I have to go through it so I can be happy. Without feeling it, I wouldn’t know what makes me happy. It’d be like I told him, empty.

“Emptiness would be another type of suffering…”

“Y-Yeah...”

“I am pleased that you realize that.”

“Me too…”

He turns to me just as the lights suddenly go off in the shower room. I can still make out his eyes and smile. He eyes are staring straight into mine and I feel nervous. Not because of the proximity or because we’re both naked but because it feels like he knows more than he is saying. It feels like he’s looking into me. It was like that the other time only I didn’t know what he was then. This time I’m more conscious and it’s scaring me.

“After all, we can’t redo that which has already been done, no matter how much we might desire it.”

One more glance from him and he walks out of the room. I stand there and watch him thinking about what he’s just said to me. We can’t redo what has been done…


	18. Catalyst III

**Day 14**

I promised myself I wasn’t going to cry here. I tried my best to not cry but I couldn’t uphold that promise to myself. No matter how hard it was or got I wasn’t going to but I had a dream last night. I had a dream that he finally woke up and he had forgotten who I was. He remembered Fuyutsuki, Misato and all the others here but he had forgotten about me. He couldn’t remember any of our time together, it was as if I had never existed in his life. I woke up fifteen minutes ago in all I’ve done in that time is sat here and cried as quietly as I can, clutching my knees up to my chest.

He won’t forget about me, I know that. He can’t forget about me, but there is that voice in my mind asking me what if he does? What if when Shinji wakes up he can’t remember me? I know it’s a possibility, they haven’t told me but I’m not an idiot. I’ve seen what can happen to people in hospitals. What if the same thing that happened to my mother happens to Shinji? When he wakes up he can’t remember me? Or doesn’t recognize me?

I wipe another tear from my cheek and finally sit up looking around. I need to calm myself down but I don’t really know what I can do. I can see the small clock in here and it’s half three in the morning. Misato said I could visit her if I needed to talk but, can I really talk to her? Shinji has been the only one I’ve been able to lay out my feelings for and talk to. Misato… I like Misato, she is trying but I don’t know if I’m able to talk to her. Besides I don’t want to inconvenience her, it’s so early. I know I need to leave this room for a short time though and do something to clear my mind.

I throw the covers back and quietly climb off of the bed. My bare feet immediately recoil at the coldness of the tiled floor. I feel the coolness around my naked legs and shiver slightly. I immediately look for the discarded pair of pyjama bottoms on the floor and put them on. I grab a hoodie I’ve thrown over the chair and put that on over my pyjama top. I grab the MP3 player and put in the headphones, I hear the opening notes of Lamb Lies Down on Broadway fill my ears and do the best I can to make it look like I haven’t spent the past fifteen minutes crying.

I step out of the room and look around the corridor. The lights are dimmed and there doesn’t seem to be anyone around either. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t really have a lot of choice at the moment. Even during the day time they’ve restricted our movements. Funny how when it was only me and Shinji here we had no issues with going from place to place and being safe. Now we have groups of people here and it’s all restricted with curfews and other rules and regulations. I’m thankful people are here and returned but at the same time I miss the times when it was just me and Shinji. When we weren’t under the threat of people wanting to kill us.

When he wakes up, when this is over and we can leave maybe we should go somewhere quiet. Maybe I’ll finally go diving like I’ve always wanted to, maybe I’ll teach Shinji how to swim. Maybe we can go somewhere with our own private pool. We can find some interesting things to do in our own pool, we could go skinny dipping and…

I grin as the thoughts cross my mind of just what we could do. He’d look so embarrassed at first wouldn’t he? He’d blush and cover himself up as I swam around making sure he got a good view of me. I’d taunt him to get into the water and he’d slowly and awkwardly climb in. Then I’d swim up to him and playfully splash him and swim away from him on my back. I’d watch as he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. Then I’d…

I blink the ideas away, bad Asuka. Half three in the morning and walking through a corridor is not the time to think about what you’d do to your boyfriend in a pool. That’s for other places. I realize that I’ve been so lost in my thoughts I’d actually arrived somewhere. I look around the room and realize it’s the facilities arboretum. The smell of flowers fills my nostrils and I look around amongst the sea of colours. I’m not really a flowers type girl, so walking through here has never really occurred to me before. I can appreciate their beauty but I’d never really want Shinji to give me flowers nor do I have any interest in growing my own. I’d rather grow something more practical like the melons a few rows away from me.

Shinji told me that Kaji used to grow melons in the Geofront. He said that Kaji shown him the melon patch he had just shortly before the fourteenth Angel attacked. I never thought Kaji would be the type to do any gardening. I never knew Kaji had a sister nor did I know he was a double or even triple agent working against NERV and SEELE. There was so much I didn’t know about him, or anything really.

I look down at the melons and I realize there is someone else in the room with me. I look around and see its Kaji’s sister. I pause the music and take out my earphones just in time for her to look up at me and smile.

“You’re up late…”

I nod. I wonder how much she knows about what happened between me and Misato last week. Her people delegated the running of the facility to Fuyutsuki and Misato. Myself and Shinji could have done it but we weren’t given the choice. I guess despite all we came through they still see us as something less than what we are. Not that I had any interest in running this place.

“Yeah… I had trouble sleeping… damn machines in that room keep me awake sometimes…”

I lie about my reasons for being awake, she doesn’t need to know about the bad dreams. No one needs to know about them, they’re between me and Shinji when I tell him.

“Yeah… how is Shinji doing?”

I look away, “He’s alive, but he’ll wake up eventually. He has me looking after him now, I’m not going to fail him.”

“I know you won’t, you know Ryoji told me all about you.”

Hearing his name piques my interest, he spoke about me to her? Even though I know those feelings I had for him were false, they were just what I thought I wanted, an attempt to make me seem more adult than normal I can’t help but still feel something for him. He did look after me for all that time, he genuinely cared and he put up with me. He never tried to pry into my past or my life and he accepted me for what I was.

“H-He did?”

“Yeah, the German prodigy. Elite Evangelion pilot, chosen at the age of four and a college degree before the age of fourteen. He was really proud of you, he said it was like having a kid sister again. I… actually I got a little bit jealous of the two of you.”

I bow my head feeling slightly guilty because of her words. Here I was feeling sorry for myself as usual and in front of me is the person whose place I took for a time. He thought of me as a kid sister while he couldn’t see his real sister.

“I… I’m sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize. I’m glad he was happy… it was nice to just hear from him. He always said that his goal was to get you and Shinji out of there when he was able to… I guess he kept that promise in some strange way… just a shame he wasn’t around to see it…”

“Yeah…”

He wanted to take me and Shinji away from NERV? When? I suppose it’d have been after all the Angels were defeated. After SEELE had been stopped. Move us into his group and keep us safe. I don’t know if I’d have liked that then, I wasn’t… in the right state of mind. I wouldn’t have agreed to it, especially not with Shinji. I’d have wanted to keep piloting if I could, or if I was still on my downward spiral I’d have… well I’d probably be dead by now.

I’m sorry Kaji, you believed in me and my ability didn’t you? You knew the truth behind it all though but you believed I’d pull through and be happy. I was never happy, I was fucked up and I lost all of what I thought I was worth. I thought all I was was piloting Eva, I didn’t see the people who cared or I just pushed them away. I wonder if you really knew what I was before you died?

I look across at Rebecca, I wonder if she knows about that stuff. I wonder if she knows about my past. I decide to ask.

“D-Do you… Did Kaji ever talk about… y’know… my past?”

Her eyes lock onto mine and I know instantly he had told her. I know that she knows everything about it. My mother’s accident and suicide, my hatred for my father and my dislike of my stepmother. She knows all about it. For a moment I think she is going to lie and shake her head but instead she slowly nods.

“Yes, I know… he told me what you had been through.”

“I see…”

“Don’t be mad at him… he… that was one of the reasons he wanted to get you and Shinji out of there so desperately. He knew the longer you were there the harder it would be but he… wasn’t able to do anything…”

“Because of the Angels… as long as there were Angels attacking us we had to stay.”

“Exactly.”

There is another silence between the two of us. I get the feeling she wants to say more but she is wary of me. This has happened to me quite a lot in my life. People always want to say more to me but they’ve heard the stories about me. About how bratty I could be, about how I just tell them I’m fine and I don’t care. They hear about how I threw away the toys I got given to play with and how I aggressive I was. How I didn’t give a crap about if people could relate to me. Maybe once she’d be right to be wary of me but not tonight. I’m too tired to give up a fight or put up any defences now. If she said something I’d probably just listen. Thankfully she does, just as the tiredness sets in and I feel myself wanting to go back to bed.

“I should probably go back to bed…”

Here it comes.

“Wait… I, just wanted to say. You’re a really strong person Asuka. Most people, after what you’ve been through they’d wash their hands of it and give up but you… you haven’t. From the start no matter what you think you’ve always tried and tried hard, and since you’ve been back you’ve…”

I turn around and laugh. It wasn’t quite what I expected but I can’t help but laugh at how wrong she is, “I’m not strong. You’ve got the wrong person. Shinji is the strong one… I’m just plain old Asuka, I try and well… that’s the best of it.”

“You’re wrong Asuka, you are strong. Anyone else would have closed their heart off by now but you… you came back and you looked after Shinji. You and he… you looked after each other. You both survived because of each other’s strength and even now… you won’t give up on him. You are a strong person Asuka.”

I want to tell her she is wrong but all I can do is blush like a little school girl. I stutter out some form of gratitude, “T-Thank you… I’m going back to bed now. Good night.”

“Good night.”

**Day 15**

A darkened meeting room, a table with files on it. Stoney looking faces on the occupants of the seats. I didn’t think I’d be in this sort of environment again. I didn’t think I’d be talking about strategies and Angels again but here I am. I look between the other two occupants of the room. Rebecca and Fuyutsuki. We decided to tell Rebecca the news about Shinji yesterday, about what we suspect to be an Angel living inside him.

“I… I don’t understand, I thought they were all gone? There was only supposed to be 17 right?”

Fuyutsuki bows his head in agreement, “18 if you count the Lilin, or humanity as the 18th Angel but… well that was never confirmed. The Dead Sea Scrolls did allude to such things but in all honesty we and SEELE never did fully understand the nature of Adam and Lilith. We understood enough to utilize them.”

I raise my eyebrows, “So there could be more?”

“I don’t know, there aren’t any rules. Third Impact was supposed to compress all life into one. Shinji averted that, it gave humanity a chance to live and we have to suspect that the same rules might apply to the Angels as well.”

Rebecca looks between the two of us. I imagine a lot of what we are saying is going over her head. Third Impact didn’t happen for her, or at least it doesn’t feel like it happened to her. Somehow the rest of humanity was brought into it but they were deposited back as they were without having to emerge from the seas of LCL like we did.

She never saw it, she knows vaguely what happened from what she has been told by Fuyutsuki but so much of it will be new to her. A lot of it is new to me, there was so much I didn’t know until I started speaking to Fuyutsuki. The origins of Adam and Lilith, who created them and where they came from and what really happened to Shinji and Asuka’s mother. I’ve had a crash course in global conspiracies.

None of that bothers me right now though, all I’m bothered about is the welfare of Shinji and Asuka. I want that thing out of Shinji as soon as possible.

“So what do we know so far?”

“Little, what we’ve observed is two points so far in which Shinji has experienced a high level of brain activity coupled with a surge in adrenaline. The first time we didn’t see anything and had no reason to be concerned. We don’t know what he is experiencing at the moment and have no way of knowing, it was reasonable to assume it was a reaction from a dream.”

“And the second time?”

“The second time we observed a rise in brain activity and adrenaline again. This however created another unusual anomaly. We detected a Blood Pattern Blue reading from within Shinji. It was miniscule, barely noticeable and it went away as quickly as it appeared.”

I look up, “So can we assume the spike in brain activity and adrenaline had something to do with it.”

Fuyutsuki nods, “Normally I’d say we don’t have enough evidence to draw any conclusions but this is desperate so yes. I believe the Angel is possibly parasitic in nature, it’s using these spikes in Shinjis chemistry to feed and grow.”

“So how did it get inside him?”

To my surprise it is not Fuyutsuki who answer me but instead it is Rebecca, “I might have an answer for that. The people who shot Shinji, it’s possible they weren’t trying to kill him.”

“What do you mean?”

“The bullet that hit Shinji, it hit no vital organs he was at no risk from the wound at all. When you think about it isn’t that strange? They had a clean shot at him, when they attacked he wasn’t being pulled around or moving much. If they wanted to kill him they could have done.”

As she says her words I feel my stomach drop as I realize she is right. I was just so happy for him to be alive I never questioned it. Yet when I look back on it they could easily have killed him, and Asuka for that matter.

“I didn’t understand why he fell into a coma like this, it was a bullet wound. It wouldn’t have been pleasant but he should have woken up by now. Yet now that we have seen this it makes sense… they weren’t trying to kill him. They were…”

Fuyutsuki finished the sentence for her, “…Implanting him with an Angel.”

I look around the room stunned and feeling queasy at the way this conversation has turned, “But… why?”

Rebecca gives me the answer straight away, “There are… groups out there who were and are sympathetic to SEELE’s cause. It stands to reason that one of them would try something like this, some of them are well funded and have resources or they could have inherited some of the resources belonging to SEELE. It’s possible they are looking at a way to… well…”

She seems hesitant to finish, “Finish what SEELE started… yeah. I get it.”

I grit my teeth and stand up, “We aren’t going to let them and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let them use Shinji again like that. I want that think out of Shinji as soon as possible, we… they fought and sacrificed too much to be drawn back into that.”

“I understand, I’ll do everything I can.”

Fuyutsuki nods and leaves the room, Rebecca stays in her seat looking at me. She seems uncertain of what to say now that we’re alone. Of course that would make sense, I was her brother’s former lover. I was the one who left him all those years ago and got back with him only for him to die shortly afterwards. If I hadn’t been so stubborn maybe he wouldn’t have died, I could have helped him sooner and helped him escape. I wonder if she blames me, I wonder if she hates me?

“Rebecca I-“

“It’s fine, I know what you’re thinking and the answer is no. Ryoji chose his path and neither of us could have done anything about it. All we can do now is make sure his sacrifice wasn’t in vain. I’ll have my people investigate who could have done this. We know of a few groups operating who might be capable. We will stop them, and we’ll save Shinji as well.”

I’m fighting back tears as I nod. My heart is twisted right now but I don’t let her see that. I need to stay strong. She walks past me and I hear the door close. Almost immediately I sink back into a seat and let the tears flow.

“Oh Shinji… why did this have to happen?”

\---

Fifteen days Shinji has been inside this coma. Here I am again, sitting beside him after my day. I’ve been thinking again about what we are going to do when he eventually wakes up. He’ll probably be weak when he wakes up, having been in bed for so long so he’ll need some form of exercise. I can help with that. I’ll take him on walks. I know the scenery isn’t much around here but we have places to explore. We can go to a different part of the beach, I’ll make lunch for him for a change.

Then when he stronger we’ll go further. We might even be able to leave this place eventually. I spoke to Misato about it. She was looking at the possibility of getting us sent to where our classmates were. Putting us back in school and letting us have a normal. I have to admit I don’t really know if I can see them all again. The way I was before, how horrible I was to Hikari. Making her worry like that. I don’t know if I can do that.

Shinji’s friends as well, as much as I dislike them they are still his friends. I know that they hate me and they’re right to hate me. After what I put him through. I don’t know how he’d feel about seeing them again either. He’s be terrified as well. He blames himself for what happened to Touji, he feels like he could have done more even though Touji told him otherwise.

We’d be better off going elsewhere. Somewhere quiet where we can just live on our own. We can attend a school but with new people who don’t know us. It’ll be easier for us that way. Yet I know that won’t happen. The time will come when we reunite with those people and it is something we have to do. We promised we wouldn’t run away and making amends with those people is a part of that.

I’ll try to put it off though as long as I can. Until we’re both ready for it. I’m going to make sure we get a holiday first. We deserve that much, we saved the world.

I feel a little bit of pride at that thought. Probably for the first time since I returned I actually feel a little bit of pride. We actually saved the world. The fucked up redhead and the shy kid. We somehow managed to save it. When we do eventually reunite with them we’re going to be hailed as heroes. By our classmates at least, the rest of the world doesn’t know who we are. Or at least the ones who do are probably undecided, until they learn the truth of course.

It’s not much use thinking about this sort of thing though. I’m not here to think, I’m here to speak. I already have a track selected for tonight. It’s one of the songs that got me into this sort of music. I haven’t played it for him yet.

“Hey Shinji…”

I don’t really have a lot to say today. Truth is not a lot happened. Misato and the others were in a meeting for part of it. They won’t tell me what it was about so I spent most of my day in the arboretum or in our room playing video games.

“Nothing really happened today Shinji… I… I finally took a walk around the arboretum though. It was pretty I guess, loads of flowers but I don’t really care about those. I’ve never really been bothered by flowers. I used to look at the gardens in the GeoFront when we were down there and I always used to be puzzled by it. I never saw the point, we were at war and the Geofront was a place for the Eva’s. Not for flowers.

I think I understand it a bit more now though. It’s proof that even in times of death and war we still have the ability to create new life and beauty in the world. That’s why Misato attended so many weddings over those months, and why we heard about so many people around town falling pregnant.”

I pause for a moment thinking about my last statement, marriage and pregnancy. Two things I’ve never really thought of. I wonder if as an Eva pilot people ever expected me to one day get married and have a baby. That’s the dream that is fed to little girls isn’t it? Grow up, fall in love with a beautiful man and have a baby. It was never my dream. The thought of having a child, it terrifies me. That’s why I always double check the protection we use when we have sex.

It isn’t the pregnancy that scares me. It’s being a parent, with the way my parents turned out and how I am how the hell would I ever be a good mother? Looking at Shinji I wonder if he has ever thought the same. Shinji is loving, kind and he can be stern when he needs to be. Yet I know he’d be terrified of the prospect of being a father. He’d be afraid of repeating the mistakes his father made.

I realize I’m lost in my thoughts again and turn back to Shinji, “I saw Rebecca while I was in there the first time. I… well last night I had a bad dream so I went for a walk. I ended up going in there and she was there too looking at some melons. I think she grew them, like brother like sister huh?

You know… I still don’t know a lot about Kaji’s death. I didn’t want to believe it at first. I thought you were lying to me when you said he wasn’t going to come back. I haven’t asked Misato about it and… well I guess you wouldn’t know. I just wonder who did it.”

I pause for a moment, “Sorry… I didn’t really prepare anything to say today. I’m talking about some strange things aren’t I?”

I try to collect my thoughts to talk about something more positive. Shinji doesn’t need to hear about Kaji’s death.

“Misato… is thinking that when you wake up we should see about leaving here and going to where our schoolmates were evacuated to. I don’t know if I like that idea… I mean she wants to put us back in school. After we saved the world, don’t you think we deserve a break? I mean, we had to survive on our own for over a month. We… well I’m going to suggest she allows us to go on holiday somewhere. They can have guards or whatever I don’t care but I’m finally going to get that beach holiday trip I wanted.

You remember that don’t you? The school trip we were prevented from being on. I had to make use of NERVs pool to dive in and then ended up diving into a live volcano. That was when I think I knew I liked you.”

I bite my lip because I don’t just think, I know. I had a suspicion beforehand. The first time was when we fought together in the Eva. I had never felt a connection with someone like that. It was like if we really put our minds and hearts together we could have achieved anything. Two people aren’t supposed to be able to operate an Eva like that but we managed it. It was supposed to half our sync ratio, we managed to achieve a higher score than ever.

“You saved my life that day, you reached into that volcano selflessly and pulled me out. I should have thanked you, instead I said I owed you one and locked away how good it made me feel that someone actually cared enough to put their life on the line. I thought of it as a debt that had to be paid.

Yet I knew I liked you, I just couldn’t admit it. I kept on making up these stupid little games to tease or taunt you to try to get you to confess first. To see if you’d get the hint but you never did. That just wound me up more to the point where I thought you hated me. Yet it was my fault wasn’t it? I was the one pushing you away… but we’ve been through all that haven’t we?”

This is ridiculous. I keep on trying to talk about things and stay positive but all I do is dwell on the past. It’s like a therapy session but instead of talking to a therapist I’m talking to Shinji. I couldn’t even bring myself to say these things when he was awake, why am I doing it now?

“I’m going to play you a song now Shinji. This is one of the first songs I heard… it was…”

I pause, bringing her up is never easy.

“It was one of my mother’s favourites, this band was pretty big in Germany when she was young. They recorded an album there. This is from their first album. I really liked the sound of it when I was younger and… well I wanted to learn English so I could understand the lyrics a bit better. So I was always ahead of the others when it came to learning English because of that. Not that that is saying much I’m generally ahead of others as it is aren’t I? That’s why I have a degree.”

I smile at my own arrogance in saying that. I’m proud of what I’ve accomplished, despite how fucked up I ended up I’m very proud of what I have managed to do. Why shouldn’t I be? I did work hard. I put the earphones into Shinji’s ears and also into mine, I take up my usual position of resting my head on his chest while slipping my hand into his. His hands are so warm, even now they provide comfort for me.

“The lead singer for this is a guy called Fish by the way, I don’t know why he’s called that but he is. He’s Scottish and has a really poetic style of writing lyrics. I hope you like it.”

I press play and let the music start, closing my eyes as the haunting lyrics begin.

 _‘So here I am once more… In the playground of the broken hearts…_  
One more experience, one more entry in a diary, self-penned…  
Yet another emotional suicide, overdosed on sentiment and pride…  
Too late to say I love you, too late to re-stage the play…  
Abandoning the relics… in my playground of yesterday…’


	19. Don't Be

**Day 20**

“Shit, Shinji we need to get up…”

I slowly open my eyes and see Asuka’s naked form sitting up on the side of the bed. She quickly puts on the clean pair of underwear she brought in here last night. I stifle my laughter as the redhead nearly trips over herself in the process. My reward is a pair of socks and my own clean pair of underwear to the face. I quickly slip them on along with the pyjama top.

“It won’t be funny if Misato catches us. Now you remember what we rehearsed right? I’m trying to wake you up because you overslept.”

“Uh huh…”

She picks up the discarded pyjamas from the floor and slips them on, “Good.”

She looks towards the door and then back to me, in response I roll onto my back and close my eyes. I pull the sheets up to my neck. In truth I’m too tired to get up, it’s so warm in this bed and a part of me doesn’t even care if Misato catches us. I’m happy, Asuka is happy and our friends are happy. Today we’ll go to school and even though there are so few of us we’ll all be there and we’ll laugh and share jokes and eat lunch together. Just five more minutes in here please Asuka.

I don’t get the extra five minutes as I feel her hand playfully slap me followed by her yelling, “Wake up idiot! We’ll be late and you still need to make me breakfast!”

Just a few moments later I hear the footsteps approach the door. It slides open and Misato is stood there looking tired herself, “What’s all this yelling?”

“My idiot of a boyfriend is going to make us late and he still needs to make us breakfast that’s what the yelling is about.”

I feel the covers jerked off of me and the cool air of the room hits my legs. I immediately roll over and try to snatch them back.

“Asuka!”

Misato shakes her head and walks away, “Knock it off you two, it’s still too early for this…”

Asuka follows her out of the room but not before turning to me and giving me a wink, “You see, I told you it’d work.”

\---

“And she didn’t suspect a thing?”

“No…”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course I’m sure…”

“Really?”

“Shinji, you know what she is like! If she suspected we had the spent the night in each other’s room and did what we were doing she would have said something. She would have mentioned it. I can just imagine her now, talking about her responsibilities as a guardian to us and lecturing us…”

“Do you really think she would?”

“Are you stupid? Of course she would! She teases us about it but if she knew we were actually doing it she’d flip out. She’d probably get all creepy and try to install cameras or something or have Section 2 spy on us to make sure we weren’t doing anything. It creeps me out thinking about it…”

I smile slightly wondering if Misato would go that far. She seems happy that we had admitted we were boyfriend and girlfriend but if she knew we were sleeping with each other she might have an issue with it.

“She’d probably try to give us the talk as well, about the risks of becoming pregnant or whatever. Urgh, disgusting.”

I laugh but her words strike a chord with me. I remember my time in that other place and the times we’ve been together here. I think about how meticulous Asuka is about checking whenever we finish making love. How she double checks for anything that could have gone wrong. When I was trapped in the Angel I asked her about it and she said that she couldn’t risk falling pregnant there, not with only two of us. She said we were still too young to think about that sort of thing anyway.

She asked me once about my thoughts on being a father. I didn’t know how to answer her. I had never thought about it. I never expected to love someone the way I do her, I never expected to find someone who loved me. When I started fighting in the Eva I never expected to stay alive and I didn’t care about staying alive at some points. When I think about me as a father I can’t help but imagine myself as my own father. That cold hearted man who sits behind his desk all day in NERV. The man who I can barely call a father.

I never asked her about her thoughts on being a mother. I haven’t asked her here about her mother. I sometimes hear her utter her mother’s name in her sleep. I sometimes hear her cry but all I need to do is hold her and it goes away. There is no need to talk about it now.

Yet there might come a time we will have to talk about it. The next Angel will be coming in a matter of weeks. So much has changed from what I saw last time. We have four Evangelion Units to face it with and I presume we have the Lance of Longinus. Asuka doesn’t have as much to prove this time so it’s likely she won’t volunteer to take point. Knowing Asuka she will though and it’ll attack her, probing into the darkest corners of her mind. Making her relive her most horrific memories over and over again. I have to stop it.

I feel a sharp pain in my ribs as Asukas elbow collides with them, “Ow!”

“Well then reply to me when I’m talking to you idiot!”

“S-Sorry!”

“I really wish you wouldn’t do that!”

“Do what?”

“Go all quiet and solemn and mopey for no reason. You’re my boyfriend, you should be proud and honoured to be able to walk in public with an elite pilot such as myself. You should have your head held up high and you should be firmly grasping my hand as we walk past all these other lowly people who are in awe of us.”

She doesn’t grab my hand, instead she links her arm around mine and pulls me towards her. Without giving me any time to react she kisses me on the cheek. It’s hard to not smile at her and her antics put those thoughts out of my mind.

“So… what’s bugging you now Third?”

“N-Nothing… I was just… wondering when we won’t have to fight anymore… when people will come back to the city...”

“Is that it? We fight until the Angel’s stop coming, people come back when they realize they have nothing to be afraid of. It’s simple.”

I smile and nod knowing the truth, it isn’t that simple. We still have a way to go.

\---

My heart leaps into my throat at the sound of the sirens, I look around the class room and I see Asuka, Kaworu, Rei and Touji all exchange glances. This wasn’t supposed to happen yet, the next Angel isn’t supposed to be here so why? Why are the sirens sounding? Why is Asuka answering her phone? Why are the few who remained behind standing up and evacuating the classroom?

I jump as I feel someone place their hand on my shoulder, I spin around and find myself looking into Kaworu’s eyes.

“Well, this is unexpected isn’t it Shinji?”

His voice is calm, how can he be calm in a situation like this? Of course, he doesn’t know what I know. He just thinks this is a regular Angel attack.

“Well what are you guys waiting for? Stop slacking!”

I give no reply to Kaworu but I can feel him watching me as I leave the classroom just behind Asuka. I have to calm down and think, but I don’t have the time.

\---

The scent of the LCL feels stronger today, maybe it’s just my nerves but it smells even more like blood than usual. I close my eyes and let it pass over me. On opening them I bring up the displays inside the plug. To my left is Asuka’s, an expression of pure determination on her face. She’s wearing a confident smile. To the right is Kaworu, he’s also smiling but it’s the same expression he always has. I can’t tell if he is scared or confident.

We’re going to have three Evangelions for this Angel. Touji’s Evangelion was destroyed, he isn’t really in any condition to fight but they have him here anyway just in case. Rei is in her Eva but it is on standby.

_“Ok listen up you three. The Angel is currently sat in orbit and doesn’t look like it’s going to be coming down anytime soon. We’re going to send the three of you up there. Asuka you have the highest sync rate so we’re going to give you a high-powered rifle. It’s a prototype so be careful with it.”_

_“Yeah yeah whatever…”_

_“You need to take this seriously Asuka, we don’t know how many opportunities we’ll get here. We’ll be placing you on point, just aim and shoot as we’ve practiced before okay?”_

_“Sure…”_

_“Shinji and Kaworu, you’ll be providing back-up in case something goes wrong. We’ve seen from the past few Angels these things don’t exactly play fair.”_

_“Of course.”_

“Right…”

I want to say something and protest but before I get the chance to I feel the lift clamp around the base of the Evangelion and I’m forced back into the seat as the Eva shoots upwards. A few seconds later it comes to a sudden stop and I see the familiar skyline of Tokyo-3, some of its buildings still retracting and a number of our weapon caches rise out of the ground.

In the distance I can see Unit 02 standing on a hill, next to it is a large and open weapon locker. She has already grabbed the rifle out of it and is beginning to set it up. She raises the rifle and aims it towards the Angel.

I watch, maybe this time will be different, maybe it won’t hit her. I hold my breath as I watch, the shot comes out of the rifles end. No one moves as we wait for confirmation on whether or not the shot missed.

Moments later it comes,  _“Asuka you missed! No change in the Angels position, we’re recalculating the position for you to aim. Get the rifle reloaded.”_

_“Right.”_

Unit 02 moves forward and begins to reload the rifle. Almost immediately afterwards I hear Misato again.

“We’re getting a change in the Angel! Look out!”

It’s too late, I see the flash of light shine down as the clouds part. A white hot pain suddenly shoots through my head as I’m completely blinded. It’s selected me! I’m the one being attacked by it. I thrash at the controls and scream out in agony. This pain is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s like a burning deep within my brain, deep within my mind. I can see the Angels presence there. I grip the controls of my Eva tightly and try to will it to move but it’s no use. I can’t move, I can’t see and I’m in so much pain.

I release the controls and instinctively bring my hands to my head, I scream out in pain.

“Help me! Help me!”

I don’t know if anyone can hear me, I can’t hear anyone else. All I have with me is the pain of the Angels attack. I grip the controls again and thrash wildly trying to focus on anything but letting the Angel into my mind.

My eyes shut as the pain gets more and more intense. It’s beginning to spread from my head throughout the rest of my body. My stomach lurches and I feel like I’m about to be sick when suddenly the pain stops. I open my eyes and I find myself looking around in complete darkness.

Suddenly there is a loud noise, a bright light shines down a few feet in front of me. My eyes widen with horror as I see what it has illuminated. A hospital bed, a figure laid inside it hooked up to a machine. My stomach drops when I see the person stood next to it. It’s me, I’m looking down at the figure. I can hear my own voice.

“Help me… help me Asuka…”

I step forward, “No! That isn’t… that’s not… I don’t want to remember that!”

Another loud noise, the light illuminating the hospital bed has gone. Now a new light shines down near to me. This time I see myself kneeling down, I’m holding someone. It’s Rei, above me is the giant hand of Evangelion Unit 01. This is the day I arrived in Tokyo-3. I look on as I seem to be mumbling someone before this version screams out.

“I mustn’t run away.” 

The light fades away again. Almost immediately afterwards there is another noise. Behind me is a new scene. It’s the apartment, Asuka is in front of me. She’s pinching my nose and kissing me. I swallow at this memory. I watch as I push her away to catch my breath. This time I can see the look of disappointment in her eyes, I can see the sadness on her face and I can see the tears forming just before she runs away.

I know it’s useless, I know she can’t hear me, “No Asuka! I didn’t… I didn’t mean to do that!”

A flash, another scene is illuminated. This time it’s somewhere I barely recognize. It’s a control room. I look ahead and there is a little kid standing at the window. It’s me. I turn my head and I see him, my father sat there in his familiar pose. He looks a lot younger and happier, there is a life in his eyes and face that isn’t present anymore.

Standing in front of him, near to my younger self is another man in a lab coat. It’s Fuyutsuki, he looks slightly younger as well but he’s wearing a frown. Of course he is, I know what this is now. This is the contact experiment. I’ve seen this before, I was only a kid when it happened and something… something happened. I blocked it out of my mind for the longest time but this was the last time I ever saw my mother.

I feel sick but I can’t keep my eyes off of the form of Unit 01 through the glass. It barely resembles the beast I pilot now but I can see the foundations of it. I can hear voices around me, I think its Fuyutsuki telling my parents off for bringing me here. I’m giggling at something, my hand hitting the glass. My father smiles and waves him off and then I’m sure my mother says something about me witnessing the future of humanity.

It begins. It takes barely five seconds for it to happen. I hear the shouts and screams from those around me. I hear the sirens and I see the people rushing around. I see my mother vanish. Why am I being shown these things? Why am I being forced to relive these memories?

“Mother…”

There’s a sound, like a drop of water falling into a puddle. The scene vanishes and I stagger backwards. I just want it to be over already. A loud thud sounds again, I see the first scene again. Me stood by Asuka’s bedside.

“Help me Asuka…”

I hear me say the words again. This time it lasts longer, I watch as my other self now leans over the bed. Why is this happening? This didn’t happen.

“Please… help me…”

He begins to shake at Asuka, only slightly at first. His voice getting louder as he does. I try to call out to him to stop it.

“No! Please don’t… stop it!”

He can’t hear me, he yells one more time and I watch as the bedsheets fly back. Asuka’s body is exposed to him. My mouth goes completely dry as I watch him take a step backwards in shock. Slowly his hand moves downwards.

“NO!”

I drop to my knees as the scene is darkened. The light shines again on the next scene. I’m there again holding Ayanami in my arms. The hand of Unit 01 covering us. I can see the look of shock on Misato and Ritsukos face. I can see the grin on my father’s face. I can hear me cry out again.

“I mustn’t run away!”

The Shinji here looks up at his father, “Fine… I’ll do it!”

The light drops again. I’m viewing the apartment again, I’m watching the kiss again. I’m watching me pull away again. I’m seeing Asuka tear up and run away as I stand there with a blank expression on my face.

It’s useless but I cry out, “Go after her! Help her… just… hold her…”

I know he won’t, I know he can’t hear me because this is what I’ve done. These are my memories. All I can do is watch them. I can’t change any of it, I can’t change what I’ve done. I hit the cold floor in frustration as I’m greeted by the sight of the control room again. My younger self. My father. Fuyutsuki. My mother. She vanishes. I swallow and feel tears burning at my eyes.

It takes no time at all for the cycle to reset. The hospital scene. The sheets being pulled off of Asuka. My other self is reaching down and beginning to degrade her. I can hear the deep breathing and see the movement of his hand.

“Stop this! Stop this! Stop this! This isn’t… this wasn’t me! IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

_‘This is you!’_

The words flash through my mind, I don’t hear them but I see them. Pure white text on a black background.

I respond to it.

“No! This… this isn’t!”

The hospital room fades away. Once again I see me cradling Ayanami in my arms. I’m looking up at my father.

_‘You mustn’t run away?’_

Again the words flash through my mind.

“No… I can’t run away!”

_“Why?”_

“Because… if I do they’ll hate me. My father will hate me! Misato will hate me! Asuka will hate me! I’ll be alone!”

_“So why are you running away now?”_

“Huh?”

It doesn’t respond. Instead the image fades away again. The apartment again, Asuka kissing me and me pulling away and failing to do anything.

_“You failed her.”_

The words again. Is the Angel trying to talk to me?

“Yes… I failed her...”

_“She hurt you.”_

“Yes… she did, she made it seem like a game. I… didn’t know what to do but I…”

_“You hurt her.”_

I nod, “Yes but… I won’t let that happen again.”

_“You abandoned her.”_

“No… I… I’m there for her now…”

There is no reply and once again it fades out. It shows me the control room again. I watch as my mother vanishes but the voice doesn’t sound this time. Instead I see something I don’t remember seeing before. I see my father stand up. He looks in my direction, not towards the kid version of me but actually towards me. Can he see me?

“F-Father?”

Suddenly in front of me I feel everything shift. He changes before my eyes, he’s no longer in the lab coat but the uniform her wore as the Commander of NERV. He looks older and weary. He isn’t wearing his glasses and I can see his eyes.

“Shinji…”

I can barely speak, all I can do is stutter out the word again.

“F-Father?”

“You mustn’t run away anymore Shinji.”

I… what is this? Him giving me advice? What right does he have to give me advice or say something like that? After what he did and is doing? I want to yell but I can’t bring myself to, I remind myself this isn’t real. I’m not here.

“You mustn’t repeat my mistakes. I thought I would be able to undo your mother’s death. I thought I could bring her back to us. I was wrong. We are unable to change the past, all we can do is move towards the future, no matter what happens.”

“I… I know that! I don’t want to change the past. I am moving forward! You…”

In an instant he is gone and another word flashes through my mind.

_“Liar.”_

I’m in complete darkness again. My father is gone, all the different scenes around me are gone. All I have is that word cycling through my mind.

_“Liar.”_

A new scene unfolds before me, an empty deserted road. I can see my younger self stood there again. He’s crying and I see in the distance the form of a man walking away. This was the day he abandoned me. The day he left me here on my own waiting for person who would become my teacher to come and pick me up.

That man was the only one who would take me in. I had no other family who was willing to do so. They all had a mistrust of my father from day one, and when my mother died they wanted nothing to do with him or with me. My father sought out a teacher in a local school. He adopted me, he cared for me. He gave me my Cello and taught me how to play and he tried his best.

I wasn’t a very good child. I rarely smiled and I rarely cried. I had no friends to speak of. People tried but after the first time I’d push them away they wouldn’t bother anymore. The hedgehog’s dilemma as it was once described to me. I wanted friends and I wanted family. Yet I never felt I deserved it so I pushed people away when they attempted it. They never tried again and I just saw that as them never caring in the first place.

Misato was the first one to break through. She didn’t give up on me, when I pushed her away she came for me. She shown me she cared. Touji and Kensuke never gave up on me. Ayanami didn’t give up on me and Asuka… we both suffered from it and we tried to push each other away just to see how far the other would go. We never gave up on each other though.

_“Liar.”_

The word flashes through my mind again.

_“You did give up on her.”_

I reply, “No, I never gave up on Asuka! I always… always…”

_“You abandoned her, remember?”_

A flash and the road is gone. I’m back in Evangelion Unit 01 but the scene before me is the ruins of Tokyo 3. I can’t close my eyes no matter how much I want to, I know what I’m about to see.

“No…”

It comes into view.

“No…”

I see the tattered remains of Unit 02. The lances that pierce it. The twitching of the humanoid corpse inside. Its armour splattered and the nine white Units around it looking towards me. Each one wearing what looks like a sadistic grin, their mouths stained with the blood of the Evangelion.

I start to scream.

“This isn’t… No… I don’t want to remember this! I don’t want to see this! Stop it! STOP IT!”

Another instant and the scene is gone and I’m back in the darkness. I continue to scream out and all of a sudden the lights start up again. Each scene is illuminated one by one, all I hear is a phrase or a sentence. Each time getting louder and louder.

_“Help me Asuka.”_

_“I mustn’t run away.”_

_“I can’t believe I let you kiss me.”_

_“Today he’ll witness history.”_

_“Help me Asuka.”_

_“I mustn’t run away.”_

_“I can’t believe I let you kiss me.”_

_“Today he’ll witness the future of mankind.”_

The scenes spin around me, making me go dizzy as I try to cover my ears. All that happens is the words get louder and bore into my mind.

_“Help me Asuka.”_

_“I mustn’t run away.”_

_“I can’t believe I let you kiss me.”_

_“Today he’ll witness the future of mankind.”_

I scream out, “NO! STOP IT, STOP MAKING ME REMEMBER ALL OF THIS!”

_“I’m so fucked up.”_

_“Fine I’ll do it.”_

_“I can’t believe I let you kiss me.”_

_“She’s gone, we’ve lost her.”_

“PLEASE JUST STOP! I DON’T WANT THIS!”

As I scream trying to drown out the sound of the words they all merge into one sound. They reach a crescendo before coming to an end. The words are gone and I’m left with the sound of crashing waves. Now I’m staring out at something new. A beach and its night time. In the sky I can see the moon with a streak of red across it. In the sea I can make out the giant head of Lilith.

I know this place as well. This is where we awoke in that false world. It’s another memory, and as I look ahead I can see my form kneeling over on top of something. I subconsciously bring my own hands up to my throat as I realize what this is. I was choking her, I got on top of her and tried to kill her. I step back and I feel sick yet I can’t keep my eyes off of it. I watch for it, the moment she raises her hand to caress my cheek. I can feel myself start to cry as I know that Shinji there is.

Eventually I watch as I finally collapse on top of her. I watch as she gently puts her arms around my and lets me sleep.

There is a flash and it looks like this is a few hours later. I’m still stood on the beach but now it’s changed. I’m sat up and clutching a bottle of water and something in my hand. I can hear our conversation from here.

_“Hey Asuka…”_

_“Mmm hmm…”_

_“I think… I’ll be alright if you want to get some rest.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Yeah…”_

I can’t help but smile as I start to take the small blanket off of myself and hand it to her. She shakes her head and tells me sternly that I have to stay warm.

_“If you feel ill at all wake me okay. I’ll just rest my eyes for a bit.”_

My smile grows wider as she takes some of the blanket and snuggles up next to me and falls asleep almost instantly.

There is another flash and I’m in that small apartment that was there. I can see myself sat on the couch in there and I’m watching as Asuka enters wearing the dressing gown

_“A-A-Asuka…”_

_“I need you to do something Shinji…”_

_“Is everything alright?”_

Asuka begins to untie the cord of the gown.

_“I need you to do something Shinji…”_

The robe falls to the ground, unlike the Shinji sitting on the couch I don’t turn my head away. Instead I see all of Asuka from behind as the robe falls around her feet. I hear her name stammered out and her cold reply. I remember this as well. I listen to the conversation and sadness pulls at my heart. This was what she became in that world. She felt she had to do this.

Her pleading with me to tell her that she was still her. This was the first time she broken down in front of me. The first time the wall in front of Asuka crumbled to the ground and she let me see who or at least what she thought she was.

It was the first time I confessed that I loved her.

What is the point of this? Why am I being shown these things?

_‘Because you’re running away!’_

“Running away from what?”

_‘Reality’_

_“NO! I’m not! I’m not running away! I’M NOT!”_

I yell out again as the apartment changes back to the previous darkness. I close my eyes and all the noise suddenly stops. Is it over? I open my eyes slowly and I’m no longer in the darkness. Instead I’m on the beach again, in the distance I can see the sinking head of Lilith. There is a gentle breeze as the red waves lap against the shore. I can see a figure on the beach. I strain my eyes to make her out. The red hair swaying in the breeze, a yellow dress… Asuka?

She turns around just as it’s her. She looks directly at me and her eyes widen with shock.

“Shinji?”

I step forward not sure what to say, is it really her or just another trick of the Angel.

“It’s… really you?”

I nod slowly, my mouth dropping open. She walks towards me, a smile on her face at sight of me. As she approaches I see the redness around her eyes. Has she been crying?

“Asuka…”

She launches herself at me embracing me tightly. I stumble backwards but quickly catch my balance and put my arms around her. I feel tears running down my face but I don’t mind. I don’t mind Asuka seeing me like this. She pulls away slightly and I feel her thumb run over my face wiping away the tears. She gives me a sweet little smile.

“Shinji… I was, we were so worried… we thought we had lost you!”

“Asuka what… what happened?”

She steps away and eyes me curiously but there is a sympathetic look in her eyes. I don’t understand what is going on. Why am I on this beach? Why is the sea red? Why is Lilith there?

“Y-You don’t remember?”

I shake my head, “I was… attacked… and…”

She nods, “Yeah… you came to find me… you… Misato and Rebecca. You found me in the apartment and someone… someone shot you.”

I feel my stomach drop yet another time. I feel a cold chill shoot through my spine. No, that isn’t right. I was in my Eva, I was fighting the Angel. This must be what it is, it’s another trick.

“Shinji, what’s wrong?”

I break the embrace and I look at her, “No… that isn’t right.”

She looks at me, “Look… you’ve been hurt for nearly three weeks Shinji this is going to be difficult but… it is what happened. We’ve got to go.”

She reaches for my hand but I pull away. I try to ignore the look of hurt that has spread across her face as I do so. I know this isn’t real though. The Angel is just trying to attack my mind again, it’s trying to use what I saw in that false world against me. I know Asuka and the others are really out there. They’ll use the Lance to defeat the Angel any moment now and this’ll be over.

“No… this isn’t real!”

“Are you stupid? Of course this is real!”

“No! I was in the Eva! This is just that Angel, the one in orbit trying to attack my mind again.”

Her eyes change instantly from sympathy to anger.

“Idiot! What are you talking about! That was me that Angel attacked and you know it. You know that Shinji! Come on, we need to get you back to the shelter, you’ve been through a lot. You shouldn’t be up.”

She reaches for my hand again but this time I push her away and I turn screaming at her.

“NO! Stop it! Stop it! This isn’t real, you’re not my Asuka!”

I feel her reach for me, she grabs my collar and spins me around. I watch as her hand reaches back and I brace myself for her slap. Just before she can make contact with me there is a bright flash of light. In an instant she is gone, I feel pain shoot through my body and finally the light subsides. I stare up open mouthed at the sight of Tokyo-3. I can smell the LCL in the Entry Plug. I’m back. I’m home.

\---

I sit alone staring out across the skyline of Tokyo-3. I think it was Kaworu who saved me in the end. When I resurfaced I heard Misato confirming the target had been destroyed and congratulating Kaworu on the shot. Now I’m alone, surrounded by hazard tape warning people not to approach me.

I’ve already thrown up twice in the hour since I got out of the Eva. Once as soon as I got out and the other shortly after I was sat down here. I can’t stop shaking nor can I get the image of Asuka on that beach out of my head. It felt so real, more so than the other illusions the Angel threw at me. I can still remember her hurt face when I told her I knew it was false.

No one has come to visit me since I was put here. They all got pulled into a debriefing so didn’t have the chance to. I wonder if that is still going on. I bring my legs up to my chest and wrap my arms around them tightly. All there is now is a sense of emptiness, confusion and shaking. The team that got me out of the Entry Plug dumped me here and left me. They didn’t even get me anything to drink after I had been sick. My father’s orders I suspect, get him out and leave him be. We don’t know what the Angel might have done to him.

I see a shadow suddenly appear near to my position. I turn slowly and to my surprise I see Kaworu stood at the edge of the cordon. He isn’t wearing his usual smile, his eyes show concern.

“K-Kaworu?”

I slowly make my way to my feet. I stumble but quickly catch myself and take a few deep breaths to help fight the dizziness. Slow but surely I stagger over to him and he holds out a bottle of water.

“I thought you might need this. I apologize I didn’t come sooner. How are you feeling?”

I smile weakly and take the water from him and gently sip it before sitting back down on the concrete floor.

“Everything hurts… y-you used the Lance of Longinus didn’t you?”

I watch his expression change slightly, he looks a bit shocked at my words and I realize the mistake I have made. No one has told me about the Lance yet, he’s probably wondering how I knew. He doesn’t question me.

“Yes, I used the Lance. Rei acquired it from Terminal Dogma where Lilith dwells and I threw it. Your girlfriend was not pleased that I got to kill the Angel but she was thankful to me for saving your life, she even hugged me.”

I laugh. That sounds like Asuka, equal parts concern for me and equal parts concern for her kill ratio. Still it sounds like she cared for me more. I look up at Kaworu.

“Thank you… I… I…”

He shushes me, “You do not need to thank me. I’m your friend.”

“Yeah…”

Silence falls as Kaworu kneels down next to me, he places a reassuring hand on my shaking leg and smiles.

“Don’t worry Shinji, you’ll see her again. This’ll be over soon.”


	20. Convergence Level One

**Day 20**

I look out across the desolate red sea, the remains of Lillith are still present but sinking more and more with each day. A gentle breeze is blowing causing my hair and my yellow dress to sway ever so slightly. Despite the apocalyptic look of the ocean I can smell the sea, I take a deep breath and allow it to fill my lungs as I gaze out. I’m not gazing at anything in particular, I don’t even know why I’m here. It’s the first time I’ve been out of the facility in nearly three weeks.

I don’t really know why I’m here. I’ve been struggling to talk to him lately, maybe I was thinking coming here and seeing this would give me something to talk about. This was the place in which we returned. I remember him trying to choke me when we came back, I didn’t blame him but it was one gesture from me that stopped him. A simple act of kindness from me that stopped him. The first time I really reached out to him. I lay there and I let him cry, I lay there and I held him.

I looked after him for those first few days. I made sure he ate something and I made sure he drank something. I promised I’d look after him. That was my purpose in life, he was my reason for being back. I feel the tears in my eyes and I let them fall freely. There is no one here to see them, I don’t have to be strong here. This is our place. As morbid and fucked up as it looks this is the place we started to let our walls come down.

I bring a hand up to wipe the tears away and hear a rustling sound behind me. Someone else is here? I quickly wipe my eyes of any tears and stand up straight before spinning around. My jaw drops open instantly. It’s him, he’s there in front of me. I don’t know how, I don’t understand it but Shinji is there.

My jaw drops slightly and my eyes widen.

“Shinji?”

I call out to him and watch as he steps forward. He looks unstable on his feet. I suppose he would be after being bedbound for nearly three weeks. I call again.

“It’s… really you?”

I watch as he nods, his mouth opening ever so slightly. It’s like he didn’t expect to see me here. He looks shocked but I don’t care. Shinji is awake and he is here. I can’t help but allow myself to smile as I rush towards him and grab him tightly in my arms. I feel him stumble back but he quickly regains his balance and I feel his arms around me. Those arms I’ve longed to feel around me for three whole weeks.

“Asuka…”

I pull away ever so slightly so I can get a good look at his face. He looks like he has been through hell. He’s crying too so I lift my hand up to wipe away his tears. I smile at him.

“Shinji… I was, we were so worried… we thought we had lost you!”

“Asuka what… what happened?”

I step back. He can’t remember what happened? Is that… normal? No it must be, Fuyutsuki did say that when Shinji did eventually wake up there might be some memory loss. I guess I’ll just have to remind him. I can’t help but be concerned that no one told him, he must have come straight here after waking up.

“Y-You don’t remember?”

He shakes his head, “I was… attacked… and…”

“Yeah… you came to find me… you… Misato and Rebecca. You found me in the apartment and someone…”

I swallow as I recall the next part. It’s still something that is so fresh in my mind, the sound of the gunshot and the feel of his blood on my hands.

“…someone shot you.”

He face suddenly changes at my saying that. He really doesn’t remember does he? No, this is something else he looks frightened.

“Shinji, what’s wrong?”

He breaks the embrace and looks at me, “No… that isn’t right.”

I stay patient. Fuyutsuki said this might happen. That he might be confused. I try to reassure him.

“Look… you’ve been hurt for nearly three weeks Shinji this is going to be difficult but… it is what happened. We’ve got to go.”

I reach out for his hand and Shinji pulls away. He actually pulled away from me. What has gotten into him? Why is he suddenly acting this way?

“No… this isn’t real!”

Not real? I can feel myself starting to lose my patience. I know I shouldn’t but this isn’t the place to deal with this. I have to get him back to the facility. He shouldn’t be out.

“Are you stupid? Of course this is real!”

He shoots back a reply instantly, “No! I was in the Eva! This is just that Angel, the one in orbit trying to attack my mind again.”

I feel something snap inside me at those words. I try to keep my voice level but feel it raise at some points. I need to get him back, even if I have to drag him.

“Idiot! What are you talking about! That was me that Angel attacked and you know it. You know that Shinji! Come on, we need to get you back to the shelter, you’ve been through a lot. You shouldn’t be up.”

I reach for his hand again but this time he pushes me away forcefully and yells back at me.

“NO! Stop it! Stop it! This isn’t real, you’re not my Asuka!”

He turns away from me and without thinking I reach towards him. I feel the anger surge up inside me at what he said. I feel the tears burning in my eyes at him saying I’m not his Asuka. I grab his collar and spin him around and pull my hand back to slap him. I sent my hand forward and then…

**Asuka & Shinjis Quarters**

My eyes flicker open and I realize I’m back in the bedroom of our quarters. I groggily sit up on the bed and look around. It was a dream, just another bad dream. I didn’t get much sleep last night again, I must have fallen asleep when I came here to play a game. I wipe the stupid tears from my eyes. I hate these nightmares, I just wish they would leave me alone. I need him to wake up so badly. I need him to hold me so I can get a good night of sleep.

I stand up and head into the bathroom to wash my face. The images of that dream still present in my mind. Usually I’ll forget them fairly quickly, maybe an image or two will stick in my mind but for some reason I can remember every details of this one. I can still see the beach, I can see him standing there in his Plugsuit.

I blink. Dream me is an idiot. Dream me should have realized it was a dream when she saw him in his Plugsuit. He’s not in a Plugsuit, he’s wearing a hospital gown at the moment with very little on underneath. Why would he even have his Plugsuit, it was destroyed as was mine.

“Heh, stupid dreams… We never realize how strange they are until we’re out of them do we?”

I wonder how long I slept for. A quick glance at the alarm clock tells me it wasn’t very long. I decide I should probably get out of this facility for a while.  I haven’t been out of here in three weeks, I can go visit the store. I haven’t raided it for all the games in there yet, maybe I can bring another one. I’ll go grab my jacket and car keys from the hospital room.

It doesn’t take long for me to get back to the level with Shinjis room in. Yet as soon as I enter the floor I get a sense that something is wrong. There are guards posted outside the main room with another posted outside the room for me and Shinji. As I pass the guards eye me curiously. They look like they want to say something to be but think better of it.

When I get to the room I see Misato, Rebecca and Fuyutsuki stood around Shinji. Fuyutsuki is stood near the machines and has something else with him. I don’t know what it is nor can I make it out from here. Each of them are wearing grim expressions and I feel my heart drop. Something’s happened to Shinji. Without thinking I burst through the door, Misato immediately turns around.

“What… what’s happening?”

I stutter out the words and without giving a response Misato grabs me by the shoulder and leads me out of the room. I try to go back in but her grip tightens on me.

“Misato… what… what’s happening?”

She looks at me and she does the worst thing she can do, she lies.

“Nothing, we’re just running some tests. It’s nothing to worry about, just go…”

I shake her off and try to move past her again ignoring the lie. The guard stood by the door looks like he is unsure of what to do, his eyes keep moving from myself and Misato to focusing on the wall in front of him. Misato grabs me again before I can make any progress.

“Asuka! Please just… we…”

I stop and look into her eyes. I can tell she is trying to be strong, trying to be the adult and trying to be Captain Katsuragi. That’s how I know something is seriously wrong. I’m trying to stay strong myself, I’m trying to not yell or scream but I can feel it there.

“What’s… what’s wrong with him?”

“It’s… nothing to worry about, I’ll tell you later.”

“Bullshit!”

My shout echoes down the hallways, “Don’t lie to me Misato! What’s happening, why are all three of you in there? Why are there guards posted.”

She kneels down bringing her head to my level. I wish she hadn’t. She smiles innocently at me. I wish she didn’t. And she lies to me again.

“It’s just a security precaution, it’s nothing to do with Shinji.”

I say nothing. I bow my head and I start to turn away. I take a deep breath and try to supress the anger. Yet it’s rising inside me, the knowledge that she is lying to me. The knowledge that she is keeping something from me about Shinji.

“You have to go now Asuka, I’ll talk to you later.”

I spin back around and slap her. The sound of it resounds through all the corridors. I’ve made a mistake and I know it. I wait for the reaction. I wait for her to yell at me and to grab me or hit me back. Yet it doesn’t come. Instead she remains on her knees, her face still turns away from me. Her hand raised to her cheek rubbing it gently.

It’s at this moment I realize things are really serious. I realize I’ve went too far again. I’ve let me anger at her lying get to me. I had to know the truth but there were other ways to get her to tell me. Yet I didn’t go with any of them.

“M-Misato?”

She gives no reply.

“I’m sorry… I… was angry, I didn’t mean to. I just wanted to know what was wrong with Shinji…”

No reply again. Her shoulders twitch a little bit and I see her eyes drop.

“Please… talk to me, slap me back… please…”

“A-Asuka…”

Her voice is so weak.

“I’m sorry Asuka… I… I was being selfish…”

She starts to cry while I stand there awkwardly looking towards the guard and Misato. Shinji I can deal with but a grown woman I don’t really know what to do. I look towards the door and see Fuyutsuki and Rebecca walking around Shinji. My first instinct is go in there but I can’t leave Misato on her own. There is an empty room near to us. I open the door and gently lead her in there.

I have to be strong now. Just like I was for Shinji, I’ll cry and scream later in our quarters. I’ll punch the walls and whatever then. Misato lowers her hand from her cheek and I cringe at how red it is already. I did that.

“Asuka.”

“What’s wrong with him Misato? Please don’t lie to me. I can handle it alright.”

She looks defeated. I’ve never seen her like this before. I’m so used to seeing her be the strong NERV Captain. I’ve seen her be angry and upset but never like this.

She looks up at me finally, “Shinji is…”

She takes a deep breath and I prepare myself for the news. I have to stay strong for now. I won’t be upset in front of her. Yet every moment I stand her knowing something is wrong feels like a dagger twisting itself in my body.

“Is he…”

She shakes her head, “No… he isn’t. He’s alive and he’s stable but… we found something…”

The feeling eases ever so slightly, “What… what did you find?”

“I didn’t want to tell you Asuka, please believe me I didn’t want you to worry about it. I didn’t want to believe it myself, I just hoped it would have gone away or maybe it was a mistake. That’s why they’re in there now, finding out. That’s why I tried to get you to leave but…”

“I can handle it Misato… what did you find?”

She stares me directly in the eyes, her tears have stopped and it feels like there is an eternity of silence before she utters the next words. Words I don’t want to believe.

“An Angel.”

\---

The coffee burns my lips as I take a sip, its bitter taste matching my mood at this moment in time. Fuyutsuki has his eyes on me, a concerned look on his face.

“You told her?”

All I can do is nod, “Yes… I didn’t want to but she had a right to know. She loves him and keeping the truth from her would have done more damage in the long run.”

“How did she take it?”

“As would be expected. She yelled at me for keeping the truth from her, she screamed and she cried while I held her. She asked if he was going to die and I told her he wasn’t. She asked if we know how to get rid of it and I told her we were going to figure it out. She asked if…”

I stop myself before continuing, he probably already knows what she would have asked and my stock responses. My lies to Asuka.

“Did I do the right thing in telling her?”

He sighs as he stands up and looks at the documents pinned to the wall. All of the results of the tests and comparisons with previous records for Shinji up there. All afternoon he’s been searching for anything that might be able to get the Angel out of Shinji.

“I think… withholding the truth would have hurt her more as you said.”

He pauses for a moment, “Besides, I feel that many of the issues we faced before returning were due to information being withheld from various people.”

“You mean like NERVs real goal?”

He nods and gives a dry smile, “I mean a great many things. The nature of the Evangelion Units, the souls residing within them. The fact that it was Yui and Kyoko’s own choices to reside within the Evangelions and indeed… much of what I knew. It is of no comfort but I do regret my decisions, if I hadn’t have been so blinded by my desire to see Yui again… perhaps I’d have stopped Gendo myself.”

I’ve never heard Fuyutsuki talk about Yui before. I know little of their relationship only that he had feelings for her and she was a former student of his. I knew he and Gendo Ikari went back many years and while I worked at NERV I did always question their relationship.

Yet I can’t find it within myself to be angry at Fuyutsuki for his actions because we were all guilty of the same thing. I knew so much I should have said to Shinji, if I had told him about the Angel within NERV or that it was Touji inside the Evangelion would he have acted differently? If I had spent more time with Asuka would it have turned out differently? If I hadn’t have just tried to use them as weapons to avenge my father, would things have turned out differently?

I ask myself these questions every night. I ask if there was a way to save Kaji. I ask if there was a way to stop Asuka from spiralling the way she did. The answer is of course yes, there were ways. Some of which I had control over and some I didn’t. Yet it doesn’t matter now because we can’t go back and do it again. Even if we did try things might end up being worse. All we can do is recognize the cycles we create for ourselves which cause these problems and try to break it. Asuka is managing it, I will too.

I take another sip of coffee. I should have put milk in this thing, the taste is so bitter.

“So what did we learn?”

“The Angel has grown in size again, it appears to be parasitic in nature but it’s nothing like anything we have seen before. If it was just a simple parasite we could try to extract it. This appears to exist in some other form we can’t recognize.”

“So we’re out of luck?”

“If we had access to the MAGI then perhaps a solution could be found but the problem is that the Angel hasn’t actually manifested any physical form yet. It appears to be growing when Shinji undergoes these periods of enhanced brain activity as noted before but…”

It’s not good news. I say nothing and wait for him to continue.

“But it’s reminiscent of the twelfth Angel. We are aware of its existence but we have no way to fight it. Beyond the one method which I am sure none of us wish to consider.”

“You mean killing Shinji…”

He nods grimly, “Yes I do. In theory you kill the host and the parasite dies with them. Yet we’re dealing with an Angel, so it is my belief that even if we were to take such a drastic option this would probably not give us the expected results. Besides, I have no desire to see Shinji die and it would not be by my hand he would die.”

“Your solution is at least different to Ritsuko’s for dealing with the twelfth at least.”

The twelfth Angel, I remember it well. It could be argued that this was the Angel that started the downward spiral of us all. It appeared like a giant sphere in the sky but the real Angel was what we first thought to be its shadow on the floor. It pulled Shinji into itself and it we still don’t know how Shinji managed to get free. Yet he did, Evangelion Unit 01 tore through the Angel and burst from the spherical object shortly before we were going to drop N2 mines into the being.

I smile remembering the thought of him finally emerging. I remember how terrified I was to see Unit 01 burst through that beast. It showered the city in blood, a horrific sight but at the same time it had brought Shinji back to us, “Maybe Shinji will defeat it himself.”

“Maybe he will.”

\---

I’m at the beach, the one from my dream earlier. Misato let me come here on the condition I had an armed guard follow me. It was fair enough, I was followed everywhere when I was in Tokyo-3 for my own protection by Section 2. This is no different. The armed guard will keep her distance, watch over me and let me do what I need to do.

What I need to do isn’t anything special. I don’t even know why I came here, it certainly wasn’t to stare at Rei’s giant head. It creeps me out more than Rei ever did. I used to be jealous of her, she was the golden child who spent all her time with the Commander. I never wanted to spend time with the Commander but I did want some attention, I wanted praise for my talents and my hard work. I never realized what was really going on. That Rei was just a puppet being used by him, I guess when I called her a doll I wasn’t that far off the mark.

Except she wasn’t a doll at the end was she? She betrayed the Commander, she helped Shinji and she even helped me. After all I said and did, she still helped me.

I wonder if she is out there in that sea of LCL somewhere, and if she can come back one day. She merged with Lilith and became something completely different to us though. Her physical body was falling apart at the end so I don’t know.

If she did come back I’d apologize to her for the way I acted and then I’d thank her. Afterwards I’d probably get frustrated with her as she’d say something that makes it sound like she is shrugging off my apology and gratitude. She’d probably question why I was apologizing or being thankful and I’d get angry and misinterpret it and then… then I’d hug her.

I stand still on the shore looking out, as I turn my head I can see where we returned. I still don’t know why I came here. Maybe a part of me was expecting to see him here like in that dream I had.

That dream is still playing on my mind. I don’t usually remember all of the details of a dream like I am now but this one more so than usual. It just felt so real, everything that happened in it from the way the breeze is blowing to the smells I experienced and just touching him was all so real.

I guess I feel even stranger knowing that while I was having it something was happening to Shinji. Misato told me about the Angel inside him, that they’re trying to fight it. Maybe it was a part of it. Maybe somehow it affected me because of the time I’ve spent by his side, maybe I got a glimpse into what he is experiencing.

“Hah, don’t be so stupid Asuka. It was just a dream.”

**Day 23**

The train carriage is empty when I step onto it, I have no destination in mind just anywhere will do for now. I just want to be alone. I can’t concentrate in that place anymore, we’ve got guards posted outside the hospital room all the time now. No one knows what to expect regarding the Angel. Fuyutsuki hasn’t come any closer to figuring out how to get it out of Shinji. Misato keeps on reassuring me things will be alright but I’ve heard that before. Everything was going to be alright with my mother, look how that ended up.

The train pulls away from the station just as the sun starts to set. I put in my headphones and set the music player to a random track. Immediately my ears are filled with Peter Gabriels voice.

_‘Can you tell me where my country lies…  
Said the unifaun to his true love’s eyes.’_

I close my eyes and let myself just listen to the music as the train continues its journey through the city. No destination, just me and the music. I’ll get off when this album finishes and then call up for a ride back to the facility. Misato will probably be worried about how late I’m out but it doesn’t matter, I can handle myself. It’s not like there are many people here anymore.

 _“Follow on! Till the Grail sun sets in the mould._  
Follow on! Till the gold is cold.  
Dancing out with the moonlit knight!  
Knights of the Green Shield stamp and shout!”

In my mind I picture myself at that concert I missed out on going to back before Third Impact. It was a tribute act but they were going to play most of this song. I didn’t end up going because I couldn’t go by myself and I was too stubborn to ask anyone to go with me. So I ended up missing out on it. I bet they played Supper’s Ready as well, full costumes and everything. Doesn’t matter now, I don’t need a song about walking through the apocalypse, I’ve already done it. Not quite the same as Peter and the crew described.

I open my eyes and realize I’m no longer alone in the carriage. I look ahead and on one of the seats is a brown haired boy. His head is dropped and he’s staring straight down at the floor. He has earphones in and is clutching a small black object. I look a little bit closer and my blood runs cold, I feel my heart skip a beat.

_‘Shinji?’_

I switch off my music and walk over to him. It is him! He sees my shadow approaching and looks up at me. He looks sad, I wonder what’s wrong. I wonder what he is doing here. Has he woken up? Decided to try to find me, maybe heard where I was?

He takes out his earphones and smiles nervously at me.

“Asuka… what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question! Shouldn’t you be resting?”

Something feels wrong, I can feel it deep down but I take a seat next to him anyway.

“I know… I’m sorry but I just, I had to get out for a short time.”

I laugh, “Yeah, I know what you mean, want to ride this together and then return home?”

He nods and I intertwine my hand with his. He looks like he has something on his mind. Of course he would, he’s just woken up from a coma. He’ll probably be confused and scared. I sit a little bit closer to him.

“Asuka… I… I’m sorry about what happened.”

Typical Shinji, apologizing for something that isn’t his fault.

“Idiot, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, believe me I’ve blamed myself enough for it. Misato managed to snap me out of it though.”

“S-She did?”

“Yeah. I guess I blamed myself a bit too much and… well you don’t need to know the rest yet. Just know no one is to blame.”

“I know, I just made you all worry and…”

I place my finger across his lips to shut him up.

“Schweigen meiner Shinji. You think too much, remember what we always said?”

He grins, “It always gets us into trouble.”

“Exactly.”

A gentle silence falls upon us. I still can’t help but feel that something is wrong but as the train moves through the city and we hold each other’s hand I don’t care. I’m just happy to be here with my Shinji again. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes again.

“Asuka…”

“Hmm…”

“This will be over soon… what are you… going to do then?”

I open my eyes and that sense that something is wrong grows. What does he mean this will be over soon?

“What do you mean?”

“The Angels… they’ll… stop right? What are you going to do after that? You’re not going to go back to Germany are you?”

I suddenly sit up and look outside the train. That feeling keeps on growing as I see the city of Tokyo-3 around me. It’s not in ruins, damaged certainly but it is here. I look along the train and it’s still just me and Shinji here. My stomach drops as I realize something is very wrong all of a sudden. None of this is right, nothing here makes sense.

“Asuka, are you alright?”

“Shinji… what… what are you talking about?”

He looks at me confused and I see the look in his eyes instantly change. It’s like he’s making the same realization I am that something is incredibly wrong.

“I just… was wondering if you were going to be staying here after this was all over.”

I can’t even bring myself to call him an idiot, I can’t even raise my normal defences against this. Everything suddenly feels very wrong. All of a sudden I’m terrified. I try to not show it, instead I just stutter out a response to him.

“I… I don’t understand… what do you mean when this is all over?”

I swallow waiting for the answer, dreading the answer. He hesitates a moment before telling me, “I mean when the Angels stop attacking…”

Did he really say that? Did I mishear him, what does he mean the Angels stop attacking. It’s over, re know it’s over. I have to make sure that is what he meant.

“Shinji what do you mean, the Angel’s stopped attacking. We beat them all remember?”

The train is coming to a stop, I’ll get us both off the train right away and get someone to take us back to the facility. I have no idea what is happening here, I don’t know why Tokyo-3 is here but it doesn’t matter we can figure it out later.

I stand up and try to get him to stand as well but he sits there looking up at me with a confused look on his face.

“Come on Shinji, we should go. We’ll get you back to the shelter.”

He shakes his head, “This isn’t right.”

“Shinji, we need to go.”

He resists me, “No, I… what is this? Who are you?”

He’s just confused, I tell myself that and try not to get mad.

“Shinji you’re just confused, come on we’ll get you back to the shelter. It’ll be alright.”

I’m suddenly hit by the strangest feeling of déjà vu. This conversation has happened before but my mind feels so foggy right now. He looks at me his face a look of sheer panic.

“Asuka… what… what’s happening?”

I shake my head, “I don’t know Shinji.”

“I… I was, I don’t understand anything. I… I have to go…”

I reach for him and try to pull him closer to me. He scrambles and tries to fight me off but I tighten by grip on him.

“Shinji what are you doi-“

“Let go of me! What is this, this isn’t…!”

“I just want to help you Shinji, tell me what’s wrong.”

Maybe it’s me who needs the help. I look around and the city is intact, there are cranes in the distance performing repairs on a building. My heart starts pounding in my chest as I continue to struggle with Shinji. Suddenly he catches me off guard, he breaks free of me and shoves me to the ground. He doesn’t stop to see if I’m alright but instead just runs off of the train. I scramble to my feet and try to follow him but as soon as he leaves the doors close and the train starts to move.

“Shinji!”

I yell out and start trying to force the door open.

“Shinji! You idiot!”

I keep on pulling at the door, desperately trying to get it open as the train moves slowly off of the platform. I watch as he escapes running down the stairs away from me. The door won’t open, in frustration I turn and hammer the wall with my fists. Pain shoots through my hand and arm as I keep on hammering and screaming.

“YOU IDIOT SHINJI! YOU IDIOT!”

I weakly hammer against the wall of the train one more time as it begins to roll through the countryside. Tears burn in my eyes as I drop to my knees.

“You…. You idiot…”

I kneel at the foot of the door and remain unable to figure out what just happened. I’m trying to stop myself crying, I always swore I’d never be this sort of girl. I wouldn’t cry over a boy of all things but Shinji isn’t just any boy. He’s the one I swore to protect when I returned, yet now he’s running away from me and I don’t understand why. Did I do something wrong mama? Is that it? Did I screw him up that badly?

Suddenly I feel a hand rest on my shoulder. My first instinct is to swat it away but I can’t bring myself to. Instead I turn my head slowly and I see another boy standing there. He’s wearing one of the school uniforms from Tokyo-3 but with an orange T-Shirt underneath. His skin is pale, similar to how Rei’s was. He has messy silvery hair and striking red eyes, I feel like I know him from somewhere. I don’t care though, I have no time for this boy and his sympathy.

“Leave me alone.”

“Do not despair Second Child, he is not yet aware of the situation. You will have your chance to save him soon.”

“S-Save him? W-What situation?”

He stares at me, deep into my eyes. It’s like he is looking into me. I know this person, I swear I do but I can’t think how. Yet when he looks at me and with his touch I feel better somehow. I’m no longer crying, I feel warm and comforted. Like I do when Shinji holds me.

“I am afraid I cannot explain yet, it is not yet the time. We shall meet again Second, I look forward to it.”

\---

My eyes open and I’m staring up at a familiar ceiling. It was a dream, another strange dream. Yet unlike the last one I don’t feel like crying, I feel just like I did at the end of the dream, I feel like I’ve been held.


	21. Tears

**Day 23**

I step onto the empty train carriage and sit down on the seat nearest the door. They’ll all be mad at me, I know it but I had to get away for a few hours. I was ordered to stay indoors for a few days, to stay in and around my bedroom. No school until I had been cleared by the Doctors at NERV. I’m not unhappy at being confined to the apartment. In truth I haven’t felt like dealing with people since it happened.

What happened to me the other day, being attacked by that Angel was unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Every image and memory it brought up is constantly going around in my head.

I’ve been a mixture of not speaking to people the last few days or snapping at them. Asuka has been losing patience with me. I need to snap out of it but I can’t bring myself to talk about it. That Angel shown me everything, from my mother’s death to my arrival in Tokyo-3, to our fights against the Angel’s and even what I saw when I was trapped in the twelfth. How can I explain something like that to Asuka?

Yet what goes around my mind the most was the conversation I had with the Asuka there. The one I spoke to on the beach. The same beach we returned to after the Third Impact in that place. She looked so lost and upset, it was an illusion but her words about me being shot and getting me back to the facility. It felt so real. It really felt like I was back there again. That I can’t explain to anyone.

I feel the notes of the music on my SDAT float through my ears. It’s my old tape, I haven’t had to use this in a long time. Usually me and Asuka listen to music together on her music player but we haven’t done that for a few days. I sigh as it moves onto the next track, I’ll make this up to Asuka soon. I’ll explain everything to her and really make it up to her.

I open my eyes just in time to see a shadow looming over me. I turn my head and I feel my heart twitch a little bit. I take out my headphones and give a nervous smile. What is she doing here? She must have followed me. There is a concerned look on her face, as she eyes me up and down.

“Asuka… what are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same question! Shouldn’t you be resting?”

I await a further barrage from her about how I should be back in bed. I await hearing about how worried she has been and how much of an idiot I am for running off. It doesn’t come and I choose my words carefully.

“I know… I’m sorry but I just, I had to get out for a short time.”

She laughs, “Yeah, I know what you mean, want to ride this together and then return home?”

I nod my head just as she intertwines her hand with mine. I look at her face and I notice something I’ve not seen before. Scarring around her eye, I glance down at her arm and see some light scarring there as well. When did she do that? I’m trying to think of when she was injured fighting the Angels but I can’t. Suddenly I get the feeling that something is wrong. I feel her move closer to me, our shoulders are touching now.

I feel guilty about the way I’ve acted around her and Misato the last few days. Snapping at them or just being unresponsive. It isn’t fair on them, they’ve tried to help me. They don’t know what I had to see but they love me and…

“Asuka… I… I’m sorry about what happened…”

“Idiot, it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault, believe me I’ve blamed myself enough for it. Misato managed to snap me out of it though.”

So she blamed herself for what happened too huh? Sounds like Asuka, Kaworu told me she didn’t seem very happy about the Sniper Rifle not hitting the Angel properly and it having to be Kaworu who threw the lance. She never mentioned anything about the battle to me though. I wonder when her and Misato had that conversation though, it doesn’t sound like Asuka to confide in Misato.

“S-She did?”

Asuka nods, “Yeah. I guess I blamed myself a bit too much and… well you don’t need to know the rest yet. Just know no one is to blame.”

The rest? I’m confused but I don’t question her.

“I know, I just made you all worry and…”

Her finger presses itself against my lips shutting me up instantly.

“Schweigen meiner Shinji. You think too much, remember what we always said?”

I can’t help but grin, it’s one of our little jokes.

“It always gets us into trouble.”

“Exactly.”

A calming silence falls upon us. Asuka rests her head on my shoulder and she closes her eyes. I still feel like something is off somehow but I let it go. I put it down to my state after the attack on my mind and my general mood anyway. Instead I just hold her hand and feel the train continue its journey.

I find myself thinking ahead. There are only two Angels left now. I wonder if I’ve done enough to really change things. I’m confident I have, after the next one is defeated I’ll tell Kaworu I know what he is. I’ll tell him we can change things and that he doesn’t have to die. We can beat SEELE. I look down at the redhead resting on my shoulder. My beautiful girlfriend, the one who I’d do anything for. We’ve never really spoken about the future, I wonder what she’ll do when the Angels are defeated. It’ll be different to what happened in that other place, she’ll have a choice. Will they ask her to go back to Germany or will she stay here?

I know she has a step-mother and father back there. I know she doesn’t get on with them. Will they want to see her again or will they leave her here?

“Asuka…”

She stirs, “Hmm…”

“This will be over soon… what are you… going to do then?”

Her eyes flicker open suddenly as if I’ve said something wrong. No, that’s just my imagination. I’ve asked a serious question, so she is probably giving it full attention.

“What do you mean?”

“The Angels… they’ll… stop right? What are you going to do after that? You’re not going to go back to Germany are you?”

Again with the sudden movement. She sits up completely and starts looking out the window of the train. Her eyes are darting from building to building.

“Asuka, are you alright?”

“Shinji… what… what are you talking about?”

Something is definitely wrong, incredibly wrong and from the look in her eyes she seems to be realizing it as well. I try to ignore that feeling. Maybe I just said the wrong thing, maybe the idea of the future scares her. Yeah, that has to be it. I glance again at the scars around her eye and arm. I want to ask about them but the potential answer terrifies me. So I do what I do best, I ignore it.

“I just… was wondering if you were going to be staying here after this was all over.”

She looks like she’s about to get angry, her expression is the same as the Asuka I saw when I was on that beach during the Angel’s attack. It’s a mixture of fear and anger. I feel myself start to sweat and a feeling of dread lies in the pit of my stomach.

“I… I don’t understand… what do you mean what this is all over?”

I pinch my own leg to try to wake myself up from the obvious nightmare yet I don’t wake up. This is just like the beach, only that was during an attack from an Angel. This isn’t an attack. Fearing the response I’ll get I answer her question.

“I mean when the Angel’s stop attacking…”

“Shinji what do you mean, the Angel’s stopped attacking. We beat them all remember?”

As she finishes her sentence the train starts to come to a stop. I need to get away from her. This isn’t right, I’m going mad. I have to run away, I need to run away.

“Come on Shinji, we should go. We’ll get you back to the shelter.”

I shake my head, “This isn’t right.”

“Shinji, we need to go.”

She reaches for my hand but I shrug her off. I raise my voice, “No, I… what is this? Who are you?”

“Shinji you’re just confused, come on we’ll get you back to the shelter. It’ll be alright.”

The shelter? What shelter? We live with Misato, there isn’t a shelter. There never was a shelter. Why is this Asuka haunting me for a second time? Why are those memories coming back into my mind, it wasn’t real!

Yet she looks real, her touch is real and the love I feel for her is real. I feel tears stinging the corners of my eyes. I don’t understand this, any of this. Is this because of the attack by that Angel, has it messed up my mind that badly?

“Asuka… what… what’s happening?”

“I don’t know Shinji.”

I feel sick. I can feel my heart pounding in my chest.

“I… I was, I don’t understand anything. I… I have to go…”

I try to pull away from her only for her to tighten her grip on me.

“Shinji what are you doi-“

Frantically I yell back at her, “Let go of me! What is this, this isn’t…!”

“I just want to help you Shinji, tell me what’s wrong.”

For a moment I consider it, maybe something is wrong. Maybe I should stay here and tell her what is happening. Maybe she can help. Yet I can’t. I have to get out of her, back to Misato’s. I’ll stay there, I never should have left. Feeling her grip tighten I struggle and finally break away, I shove her forcefully and spin around and head for the train exit. I can hear her yelling my name but I don’t turn around, I just keep running off of the platform and away from the train as it pulls away.

Finally I come to a stop and lean against a railing to catch my breath. I feel the tears falling down my face but I don’t know why. I don’t know what just happened but suddenly everything feels wrong. I feel like I’m wrong, like this place is wrong.

“Ikari…”

I jump as the soft voice wrestles me from the ongoing battle in my mind. I turn around and see Ayanami standing there looking at me curiously.

“Are you alright, you look upset.”

I nod, “I’m… fine Ayanami I just… something happened but I’m alright now.”

I look around the area we’re in. This is quite far from Ayanami’s apartment.

“What are you doing out here?”

“I was taking a walk. I was told that it might be good to explore an area of the city other than the school or NERV.”

“I see…”

She pauses and looks up at the trees in this area. I’ve never been here myself. It’s one of the few parts of the city that haven’t been damaged in the Angel attacks.

“It is peaceful here.”

I nod, “Yes, it is.”

“You should return soon Ikari, Sohryu and Katsuragi are worried about you.”

I don’t mention my altercation with ‘Asuka’ moments before to her but I imagine she is right. They will probably be worried about me.

“Yeah… I should shouldn’t I…”

I look at her face looking up at the trees and through the trees to the orange sky above. Soon the next Angel will attack, the target will be Ayanami, yet I know the truth about Ayanami. She can be replaced but her replacement won’t be this one. She’ll be less human than before, a side effect of the new body. I can’t let that happen.

“You’re scared…”

“You can tell?”

She tilts her head quizzically, “Why are you afraid?”

I make up something on the spot, I can hardly explain that I know she is potentially going to die.

“I guess… I just wonder how long we’ve got until the next Angel attacks. How much peace we have left.”

“I see.”

“I should probably go back now.”

To my surprise she comes closer to me and shakes her head, “Not yet, it is not yet time.”

\---

My eyes flicker open suddenly and I find myself staring straight up at the ceiling of my bedroom. Besides me is Asuka, her chest moving peacefully up and down as she sleeps. It was just a dream, all of it was just a strange dream. I sob quietly as tears fall down my face. I don’t know why I’m crying, I guess it was all building up. I haven’t cried since the Angel attacked me, all those memories swimming around in my mind constantly it’s left me numb.

I sit up and wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and try to be as quiet as I can. Asuka stirs next to me, no doubt awakened by my movements.

“Shinji…”

She looks at me and in the dim light of the room can make out that I’m crying.

“Oh my god are you alright?”

I nod, “Yeah… bad dream and… just everything…”

“Heh, been holding back have you?”

I wipe my eye again, “I guess so.”

“Idiot.”

Despite the tears I realize I’m smiling, maybe the weird dream was what I needed to get it out of my system.

“How long are you going to be by the way?”

I laugh, “Not too long, sorry.”

I look across at the other side of the room.

“Asuka, about the way I’ve been the past few days… I… I’m sorry…”

I feel a fist collide with my arm.

“Ow!”

“Stupid Shinji, I understand. We all saw what happened, we all know what happened. Your… mind was invaded Shinji… I… we all knew it was going to be hard for you afterwards.”

“Y-You did?”

“Of course you idiot! It would be hard for anyone, I just… I wish I could have done more. I had to let that silver haired idiot handle it. They wouldn’t let me near that… what was it called?”

I answer for her, “The Lance Of Longinus?”

“Yeah, what sort of delusional moron came up with that name? I swear this organization has some weird God complex.”

“Probably my father then.”

We both laugh, and I feel lighter somehow. Waking up and interacting with Asuka in this way, I just feel better. Even towards the end of the dream I started to feel better. Ayanami in that dream, her presence calmed me. I think it was a way of my mind giving me a push towards getting better. I wipe away another tear.

I think about this girl next to me. In that other place it was her who was attacked by the Angel but she had no one afterwards to support her. This time it was me who was attacked and I have support. I feel like I nearly messed that up but they all knew how I would be and they all stayed by my side.

I look down at Asuka, she’s smiling up at me and as the tears subside I start to feel something else. I roll over and prop myself up on my elbows over her. I lean in and kiss her softly on the lips. I feel myself starting to become more aroused as she kisses me back. Her hand softly caresses my cheek, her fingers stopping near to my eyes to wipe away any remnants of tears left behind.

“You got over that quickly…”

“I…”

I don’t say anything but instead lean in and kiss her on the neck, she moans softly and runs her hands along my back. I kiss her neck more before making my way along her shoulder. I bring my head back and take both of her arms and pin her wrists to the bed just above her head as I lean in.

“Asuka can I…”

As I get halfway through the question I stop causing her to giggle at me. I’ve never actually initiated this, usually it’s been Asuka. She’s usually the one on top, she’s usually the one with the confidence to initiate it.

She looks into my eyes and smiles lustfully back at me, “I quite like this semi-aggressive side of you Shinji…”

I can feel myself blush at her teasing. She knows what I want, from the way her hands are running over me and the way she is moving I know she wants it as well. She’s really going to make me ask though isn’t she?

“So… what do you want to do?”

“Can… Can I make love to you Asuka?”

She loosens her hand from my grip and again caresses my face bringing it closer to hers before pulling me into a deep kiss.

**Day 24**

It’s raining. The Lilin always associate this weather condition with depression and sadness. I don’t understand that. For me the rain holds strange kind of beauty to it, the way reflections are cast in the puddles that form of buildings, people and scenery. The feeling of warmth you get when you view it from within a home. The way it feels when you walk through it. The way the water bounces off the hood of a waterproof coat. It pleases me to sit in this café, my personal music player playing the Ode to Joy as I watch the Lilin move past me outside hurrying to their locations.

Sure the rain can bring danger but can the same not be said of the sun too? For someone such as myself with pale skin I’m at risk of burning easily or sunstroke. Yet the Lilin do not tend associate sun with negative feelings.

I remember an exchange on that fateful day some months ago.

_‘Sunny days make you feel good.’_

_‘Rainy days make you feel gloomy.’_

_‘If you are told this is so, then that is what you believe is so.’_

_‘But you can have fun on a rainy day.’_

The Lilin form their truths based on the influence of others. The perception of rain being depressing is etched into their collective consciousness across all cultures and will likely remain. I wonder if maybe there is a Lilin culture on this Earth that perceives things the other way around. They intrigue me and I realize that much like them I am influenced by this collective consciousness. My interest has taught me to question it, therefore I now perceive things the other way around.

I bring the cup of tea in front of me to my lips and sip gently from it. I should have waited longer for it to cool down, the sensation whilst drinking it is not pleasant. It burns my lips and tongue. I am still not used to drinking hot liquids such as this.

A person enters the café and I smile at her arrival. She brings down the hood of her raincoat and her blue hair and pale skin is revealed to me. She turns and spots me and makes her way over to where I am seated.

“Rei Ayanami, I am pleased to see you.”

She nods, “Yes.”

I forget that despite how alike we are we are not exactly the same. Our births were similar but the paths we took to who we are and who we developed into are quite different. Rei is not able to communicate her emotions as well as I am. She always seems stand offish with people but those who know her know better. Yet despite our differences we are here because we have a common interest, the wellbeing of Asuka Langley Sohryu and Shinji Ikari.

“Would you like anything?”

“Tea please.”

“Of course.”

I lift the teapot from its place on the table and pour some of it into the empty cup on the table.

“It is an interesting place this, I believe it resembles a tea room from a country called England. I would like to visit sometime. Lilin cultures are fascinating, would you not agree?”

She takes the cup and adds some milk to it and mixes in some of the sweetener on offer. She then places her hands around the cup, I presume to warm them up.

“I have not thought about it. I think I would like to see beyond this city one day.”

Our eyes meet across the table and at once we both make the same realization. There will most likely not be a ‘one day’ for either of us. It is sad and perhaps unfortunate but we are lucky to be able to do what we are doing now.  I decide to move the subject on to why we are here.

“The convergence has begun. The second attempt was last night, just as we expected…”

She glances down at her tea and begins to stir it. She says nothing for a moment. We both know what this means, that’s why we did what we did last night. When the being made its attempt we were able to project ourselves into it.

Finally she replies, “We were able to bring them together, even if for a brief time. It is just as we planned for our scenario.”

I can’t help but laugh at her choice of words. She sounded just like the man who raised her. Of course she is correct, we had a plan and last night we were able to put it into action.

“We probably don’t have much time left. Its strength grows day by day and with the imminent arrival of the sixteenth it will likely have enough strength for a full attempt.”

“You are concerned?”

I nod and give an honest reply, “Yes, when it reaches full strength it will have no more use for Shinji. It will attempt to dispose of him and then it will make its attempt. We will likely have a very short window of opportunity to bring them together. Even then we don’t know what it is going to attempt.”

She sips from her cup before taking a look outside the window, “I am concerned too but… I believe in the two of them. That is all I need.”

I give another smile before finally putting butter on the crumpet in front of me and taking a bite. It’s nice, yet another new experience for me today. It is a shame it might be the last time I get to try something like this but I am at peace with that fact.

Her words have done little to reassure me. I can’t tell if she genuinely believes what she has said or if she too is scared and just hiding it really well. I’m admittedly very scared. What we’re facing and what Shinji and Asuka will face isn’t like before. It’s a malicious entity and we don’t even know if what we have planned will work.

We know we can bring them together, we were able to last night and the time before only the link wasn’t as strong then. Will we have the time to explain to them what has happened? Even then will they be able to fight it? Will they even accept what we tell them?

“Nagisa…”

My mouth still half full I give a muffled response, “Yesh?”

“Something still concerns you?”

“It is... yes, you are correct. It is not their abilities that I doubt I am just… concerned as to how Shinji will take things when the truth is revealed to him. I am concerned as to how Asuka will take things when the truth is revealed to her. I am concerned that either of them might reject the truth like thye tried to before…”

“They have grown since that time and things were different. They had not come together at that point, they were both at their lowest. While their hearts still have that fragility they have also been strengthened by their bonds with each other.”

“So you don’t think it’ll be a problem?”

She shakes her head, “No, I do not. I have complete faith in the two of them.”

It is strange having a discussion with Rei Ayanami like this. When we first met we were on opposite sides of the fight. I was an Angel and carried within me the soul of Adam. I was Tabris, the final Angel and enemy of mankind. My human body created from an unknown donor. Rei Ayanami carried within her the soul of Lilith and was created from the remains of Yui Ikari.

When Third Impact occurred we both joined the mass of souls that converged. We helped the two known as Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu to make their decision to return to this Earth, to put an end to Third Impact and allow humanity to continue. It was a decision I had hoped for, humans need the pain and suffering to progress forward without that they will stagnate.

Then a new Angel appeared. One not born of Adam and Lilith but born of man. It was able to manifest itself within the person known as Shinji Ikari and create this world. We were able to manifest ourselves within it. We observed and we waited for our opportunity to once again guide Shinji and Asuka. We observed everything doing our best to not interfere even though we realized it might hurt Shinji and Asuka when the truth was finally revealed.

Now the time comes when we can reveal ourselves to them and I’m actually scared. If we fail then we lose everything. My former masters somehow win. I can’t allow that.

There is a pause and I notice her look at something out of the window, she raises her finger, “It is time.”

I look out the window to where she is pointing. In the distance I can see the glowing object. A ring of light, two helixes. Armisael, the sixteenth has arrived.

\---

This is the second to last one, this one is just like the one I was shown. I can see it in the distance rotating slowly. It looks like an angels halo, I suppose this one is really trying to live up to its name. I can hear the chatter from inside the complex. Blood pattern is changing from orange to blue, the Magi can’t get a full lock on what it is yet.

I already know what it is, everyone else does. We don’t need a computer to confirm it for us yet we wait for it to happen anyway as if that will make a difference. I look around Tokyo-3 and I see the other three Evangelion Units ready for battle. Everything has changed so much, even with the attack on my mind from the last Angel I’m in such a different place now. Asuka is here, ready to fight. We have Rei in good condition to fight and assistance from Kaworu as well.

I’ve tried to put what Kaworu is out of my mind for the time being. I have an idea of what I’ll do, I’ll tell him I know. I’ll persuade him to not do what he is going to do. I’ll explain how I know and tell him we can fight. He doesn’t want to die, I know it. We can all get through this together.

I wonder if my changes have affected things in NERV. I know my father’s scenario is going ahead as he planned. He probably doesn’t suspect anything is wrong. Misato on the other hand, I know she suspects something. Kaji will have shown her Lilith and they would have spoken whilst they were back together. He’s safe now, back in Germany with his sister.

I suppose a major change is Unit 01 didn’t acquire the S2 Engine, was that a necessary part of the plan? I can figure that out later. We have to defeat the Angel now.

_“What’s it doing? This is boring.”_

_“Stay calm Asuka, we haven’t confirmed it’s an Angel yet.”_

Asuka gives a sharp laugh,  _“Oh come on! We don’t need a supercomputer to confirm that’s an Angel. Strange glowing ring appears on the outskirts of the city, no one knows what it is? Of course it’s an Angel.”_

A smile crosses my face, she is of course right. We all know it, so why are we waiting?

Suddenly the ring stops moving, it uncoils itself into a single strand and starts heading towards us. I hear the panic over the radio instantly.

_“Pattern Blue confirmed, pilots to your stations. Weaken its A.T. Field with fire.”_

Instantly we all aim our rifles towards the oncoming Angel. The sound is deafening as four Evangelion’s unleash a barrage of bullets towards the snake-like entity hurtling towards us. I see the flash of light as the bullets collide with its A.T. Field. A layer of dust and smoke goes up as we stop our barrage.

Like a well-oiled machine we all stand and retreat through a few of the city blocks. Once in our new positions we all discharge the plugs in our Unit’s and put in fresh new ones that have just risen in our vicinity.

We all take aim again towards the Angel but none of us fire. As the dust settles we see nothing. The Angel is nowhere to be seen. I call out on the radio.

“Did, Did we get it?”

_“Of course we did idiot! It wasn’t going to stand a chance against four Evangelions wa-“_

Asuka’s celebrations are cut short by Nagisa’s yell over the system.

“IKARI WATCH OUT!”

I turn to my left to see the Angel hurtling towards me. I stumble back trying to dodge out of the its way and feel it hit me directly in the shoulder. It attaches itself to my shoulder. I scream out in agony as I feel it trying to bury itself into my Eva’s shoulder and by extension into me. The pain is like a burning, pressing itself into my arm. With my free arm I try to reach for the prog knife.

At the same time I can hear Misato shouting over the radio.

“GET IN THERE AND HELP HIM!”

There is a pause, I finally grab the knife and bring it down on the Angel. I’m dazzled by light as the knife makes contact with the A.T. Field. I grit my teeth and focus on trying to break through the field rather than the pain I’m in.

“Nagisa I’m sending you the Dual Saw! Asuka and Rei, us your knives to try and get it out of there!”

A collective “Right” is sent through the voice chatter as I continue to try to break through the Angel’s A.T. Field. I can start to feel it penetrate the armour of my Eva and break through to the humanoid inside. I daren’t look down at my shoulder. I know what it will look like, I know the veins will have appeared from it trying to invade my body. It’s just like it did to Rei but that time she was alone, I won’t let that happen! We won’t let that happen! We will beat it!

In the distance I see Rei approaching in Unit 00, he knife drawn. In a swift motion she grabs hold of the Angel and starts trying to slice into it. Without any warning the Angel suddenly withdraws itself from me. Using its body it knocks me onto my back. I clench and unclench my hand and feel it slowly coming back to life.

The Angel is now floating above us, just out of reach for any of our weapons.

_“No fair! It knows it can’t win so it goes where we can’t hit it!”_

It suddenly starts moving again, this time heading straight towards the white winged Evangelion piloted by Kaworu. With barely any effort he dodges out of its way and brings his dual saw down upon the Angel as it passes him. He meets nothing but its A.T. Field.

It moves past him and swings around again, this time it’s caught by both the dual saw and Unit 02’s progressive knife. Again all she hits is the A.T. Field of the Angel.

_“Damnit for something like looks like a strand of spaghetti this is one tough bastard!”_

Slowly I stumble to my feet and watch as it hovers in the air for a time before swinging around again and pointing itself directly towards Rei. It begins to accelerate towards her and I yell out and run towards Unit 00.

“AYANAMI!”

I manage to shove Unit 00 out of the way just in time to watch it fly overhead. It doesn’t stop but instead swings back around and heads straight towards…

My eyes widen as I watch it head straight towards Unit 02. Kaworu tries to get in the way but it moves faster than it had done previously. Asuka tries to move Unit 02 out of the way but it unable to do so as I watch the Angel slam directly into the chest of Unit 02. It forces itself through the armour plating and the sound of Asuka’s scream fills out radio.

“ASUKA!”

I run towards toward the Angel but just as I reach it I run directly into an A.T. Field. It wasn’t this strong before. We can all hear Asuka screaming over the radio.

_“I-It’s… trying to…”_

_“AYANAMI, NAGISA, SHINJI TRY TO GET THROUGH THAT A.T. FIELD, SAVE HER!”_

Misato yells to us frantically as I see Unit 02 writhe in pain from the attack. It’s trying to pull the Angel out of its chest. I hammer at the large A.T. Field with the knife trying desperately to break through.

A storm of bullets collide with the field from Ayanami. I see Kaworus Unit next to me trying to rbeak through the field as well. I can see still Unit 02 struggling ahead of me.

_“It’s… It’s trying to get inside of me! It’s…”_

I scream out and keep forcing the knife forward.

_‘Come on you bastard, please… please get through… please! Mother… help me!’_

_“I… I can’t! I…”_

“Asuka! We’re coming for you… we’ll rescue you just…”

I let out a roar as I push forward one more time. I have to push through this field. There are three Evangelion’s here, we have to do it. We can do it. I look up as I see the Angel suddenly grow rigid, in mere seconds it fully enters Unit 02.

“ASUKA!”

I hear Misato suddenly come over the radio.

_“What is she doing? Oh my god she’s inverting her A.T. Field! Asuka!”_

The Angels A.T. Field suddenly drops and I begin to rush forward only to find myself tackled to the ground by Kaworu in his Eva.

_“SHINJI! You can’t! You’ll die if you do!”_

I struggle against him but he overpowers me and keeps me held down.

“No! I have to! I have to Asuka!”

I can’t move, all I can do is watch as Unit 02 escapes to the edge of the city. I can barely see any of the Angel’s body as Unit 02 is beginning to be encased in a glowing white light. I still can’t move, Kaworu has me pinned to the ground.

Finally Unit 02 comes to a stop. A private message comes in on the communications system. I’m greeted by Asuka. I can see the veins of where the Angel is taking over her body all over her but she’s wearing a defiant and beautiful smile.

_“Hah… I guess… I guess this is it Shinji…”_

“Asuka…”

She brings up a hand to her eyes,  _“Look at that… Tears… I’m actually crying… how disgusting, to go out like that…”_

I can’t say anything but her name, “Asuka…”

_“I… You know Shinji, you actually made me happy. I never thought I’d be happy nor did I think I deserved to be. You really helped me, you made the shadows in the night go away for a time. You made the nightmares go away. I just… I love you Shinji.”_

“I… I love you too Asuka.”

_“Hey… do you think I’ll see Mama again?”_

With those words it finally happens. Unit 02 is now fully engulfed in light followed by the deafening sounds of the cross shaped explosion that follows. Its peak almost reaches up to the clouds above, and then it’s gone. She’s gone.


	22. Convergence Level Two

**Day 25**

Slowly I open my eyes and find myself in darkness, all the light I have is entering from the lights in the hallway outside. Against the wall I can make out the NERV logo. This is a cell. I don’t remember how I got here. All I can remember is Asuka.

A part of me hopes that it was just a bad dream but the pain in my shoulder tells me otherwise. The fight against that Angel actually happened and now Asuka is dead. She is gone and once again I am alone. Where did I go wrong? I thought for sure I could change things and give myself, no us all a chance to be happy. I thought what I was shown in that other world was a lesson on what would happen if I didn’t act. So when I woke up here I was amazed that I had a second chance. So I acted and somehow despite my efforts I made things worse.

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? The sad truth is none of that matters now, she’s gone. The girl I loved is dead and I’m alone. Soon it will be time for the final Angel and after that SEELE will attack NERV. I’m supposed to stop Kaworu, I was going to but I can’t now. I can’t go forward without Asuka.

Even if I wanted to I couldn’t. I’m in this cell and I don’t know why. I don’t remember anything after seeing Asuka self-destruct like that.

It’s so strange how I feel right now. I realize I don’t feel sad, I just feel empty. Completely and utterly empty, I can’t even cry. Why can’t I cry? Why can’t I bring myself to do so? I want to but all I can do is stare blankly at the wall in front of me.

I hear a noise outside my cell door, footsteps. There is a noise and the door slides open. Light enters the room and I see a familiar shadow cast on the floor. It’s him, it’s Kaworu. I suppose it’s time for him to descend to Terminal Dogma soon.

I don’t care what happens anymore. Without her there is no point.

“Hello Shinji…”

“I know what you are, go ahead and do it. I won’t stop you.”

“Get up.”

“Why?”

“We have something to discuss.”

I think back to the last battle, Kaworu held me down so I could go to Asuka. If could have saved her if he hadn’t have done that. Couldn’t I?

No… I couldn’t. There was nothing I could have done. A part of me wants to be angry at Kaworu for doing what he did but much like I’m unable to cry I can’t be angry either. I can’t be anything.

I turn my head and I see him standing in the door way, his hands tucked into his pockets. He isn’t wearing his usual smile. Instead I see something else, a grim expression. His eyes don’t have the same light they usually do. His tone of voice isn’t the same as usual.

It doesn’t matter to me though. I’m not going to do it, I’m not going to be forced to kill him. He can have whichever Eva he wants and take it down to see Lilith. He can end it all for all I care.

“I don’t care anymore, just take the Eva and do what you’re supposed to do. You’ll have no resistance. I’m the only one who can stop you right? So just… give up trying to be my friend. I know you’re the last Angel.”

I see his lips turn upwards into the hint of a smile, “Yes. Yes you do don’t you? You’ve known from the time my name was announced haven’t you?”

Our eyes meet and my mouth opens in surprise. He was aware that I knew he was an Angel? How?

“I am afraid however that you misinterpret my reason for being here. I am not here to try to end your world, nor am I here to betray you. I’m here to help you. Now get up Shinji Ikari, we are running out of time.”

\---

It happened again yesterday. Only for a short time but it was enough to confirm that the Angel has grown more powerful. They still can’t do anything about it. It doesn’t have a physical form yet it’s inside Shinji, doing something to him. All I can do is stand-by and watch. I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. Even the time I couldn’t pilot my Eva doesn’t compare to this. With each moment it seems closer and closer to eventually losing him.

Why does this world have to be so unfair? Just when I thought I was finding happiness, just when we both thought we were finding happiness it’s ripped away from us in an instant. Are we not allowed to be happy? Or is this some sort of payback for our sins? Shinji always felt that Third Impact was our punishment and maybe he was wrong. Maybe we were yet to suffer our punishment for what we did.

I look on and notice a slight blip on one of the machines. Another one beeps and my heart instantly speeds up as I see Shinji’s body twitch. I quickly run towards the door and yell out.

“Something is happening to Shinji! Get help!”

I hear one of the guards say something followed by the clatter of footsteps. I quickly rush back to his bedside and take his hand. I watch as other parts of his body start to twitch. The machines are making more noise, the read-outs make no sense.

“Shinji, help will be here soon! Just… stay with me alright, it’ll all be over.”

I try to sound as calm as I can but I’m terrified. I don’t know what is happening right now, the machines in the room are constantly making noise and all I can hear is the incessant beeping from them.

I look towards the door. No one has come yet, no sign of Fuyutsuki or Misato or anyone else. What is taking them so long?

Releasing my grip on Shinji’s hand I go over to the door to look out into the corridor. I try to open it. The doors locked? I don’t remember locking it! I look down at the lock itself to try to unlock it but see it’s in the open position. Is the door stuck? I try opening it again using a bit more force this time but the door doesn’t open. I angrily throw my fist at the door and look out the small window.

I find myself looking out into complete darkness. What the fuck is happening? Why is no one coming to the room? Why is it dark out there? Are we being attacked?

“Come on! What the hell is going on?”

I yell out and drive my fist against the door again, pain shoots down my hand and arm and I step back. Suddenly the noise of the machines is gone. I straighten myself up and a feeling creeps over me that that might not be a good thing. I can sense something there, something else is in the room besides me and Shinji. Is it the Angel?

“I hope you know who I am, I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu. Evangelion Pilot and saviour of this world. I’ve already kicked a number of your friend asses and I won’t hesitate to kick yours too. So you’d better leave Shinji alone!”

As the words fall out of my mouth I realize how stupid I sound but that’s me isn’t it? I’ve always been able to talk big. When I was an Eva pilot I could usually back it up, I don’t think I can now.

Slowly I turn around preparing myself for the worst. I take my time and out of the corner of my eye I start to see it. Floating above Shinji. A black mist-like entity floating half a metre above him. Solid black tendrils hang down from it seemingly attached to various parts of Shinji’s body. The tendirls are solid and have a strange black and white pattern on them. Similar to the twelfth Angel.

Insanity threatens to engulf me as I look at it. I want to rush forward and try to prise the tendrils from Shinji. Maybe then he can wake up. I’m about to take a step forward but just as I do the being starts to move. There is a bright glow and suddenly I hear the door open. A hand grabs my wrist and a familiar voice calls to me.

“Sohryu, we must go.”

I’m pulled out of the room by this person. I look up in complete shock as I run trying to keep up with the person. Her blue hair, school uniform and pale skin… I can’t be mistaken.

“Wondergirl?”

\---

Kaworu’s hand is warm as he pulls and leads me through the maze of corridors to our destination. He has said nothing from the moment he came into the cell and picked me up by force. It was just like when Misato had to drag me, only Kaworu didn’t yell at me. Somehow that makes it worse.

As we walk through the corridors I realize with some fear that I don’t know where we are. I thought we were in the NERV cells but I’ve been in them before, the corridors aren’t like this in NERV. This is somewhere else.

“W-Where are we?”

“Somewhere that should not exist.”

He turns his head to me as we speak and gives me what I presume is a reassuring smile, “Do not worry. We will reach our destination soon.”

Soon turns out to be another ten minutes.  We finally reach a small room, there is a window on the other side of it looking out into the cage. I can see Unit 01 sitting there, its eyes staring back at me. Inside the room itself is sparse and appears to be a bedroom, no an apartment. I know this place. In the corner is a radio playing a song, one that I recognize. Asuka and I listened to this a few times.

_‘You can’t run away forever,  
But there’s nothing wrong with getting a good head start’_

Kaworu leads me inside the room and sits me down on the bed. He immediately goes over to the small kettle and begins to make something.

“I am afraid I am only familiar with making only one form of Lilin tea, so the English standard will have to do. This is where I would ask you how you would take it.”

I stare at him as he awaits my response. How can he talk to me like this? What the hell is happening right now? None of this makes any sense. Finally I give him my response. My voice laced with as much venom as I can muster. I probably sound like a petulant child.

“Milk… I guess, with sugar.”

I bring my knees up to my chest and watch as he makes the tea in silence. Four cups are set out, one for me, one for him. I wonder who the other two cups are for. I hear the door open and look towards the corridor to see who it is. Rei enters the room. She immediately walks over to Kaworu and I hear her speak to him.

“It is done, she has been retrieved.”

She has been retrieved? Who is she talking about? When did Kaworu and Rei become friends? They were aware of who one another was but they were on opposite sides. Kaworu smiles again.

“Good, I will go and attend to her then.”

He brings the tea over to me and sets it down on the small bedside table. He kneels down and grabs my hand. His hand is so warm and soft, it’s reassuring in a way.

“Shinji… what is about to happen, will be hard to take in. I’m sorry all of this has had to happen in this way. If there had been another way we would have done it but there wasn’t.”

“What… I don’t understand… what do you mean?”

He offers me no response but he does finally release my hand. Now he turns towards Rei.

“I will go and see to the Second. How is she?”

“Confused and angry, as we expected.”

“Good. We need that.”

He walks back to the remaining cups and puts two of them on a tray before starting to leave but before he does he turns to me one last time, “Farewell Shinji Ikari, we will see each other again.”

He leaves and I’m left reeling over their conversation. They said she and they said ‘The Second’, is… is Asuka alive?

“Rei… what did he mean when he said The Second?”

Her response comes swiftly but delivered in her usual manner, “Nagisa was referring to Sohryu. She is waiting in a location close to this.”

I immediately stand up. I can’t believe it. Asuka is actually alive! She is nearby! I have to go and see her, I don’t understand it but I don’t care. She is actually alive!

“Asuka! She’s alive? I want to see her!”

Rei’s reflexes are too fast for me and she pushes me back down, “No, not yet. It would be too much of a risk right now. Not until you’ve had the truth explained to you.”

\---

I don’t know what is happening anymore, I’m no longer in the facility but we never left the facility. All I remember was Rei pulling me out of that room leading through a maze of corridors before bringing me into this room. This is all wrong, the room is like one of the old apartments meant for the contractors in Tokyo-3 but one the far wall is a window looking out onto a platform. The platform contains Unit 02.

I feel sick as I see Unit 02 for the first time since Third Impact. It makes no sense, it was destroyed. It shouldn’t be here yet I can’t deny the truth. I never expected to ever see it again outside of my dreams and nightmares. Last time I was in that I died, those bastards stabbed me through the eye, they split my arm in half before impaling the rest of my body. They then ate the Eva alive.

All the scars on my body are a permanent reminder of that. I never wanted to see this again, I had hoped we’d never see an Eva again. I place my hand on the window and whisper to myself.

“Mama…”

I hear the door open behind me and I turn around and try to make myself look like I haven’t been deep in thought or concerned. I see a boy around my age walk in. I recognize him from somewhere, his silver hair and calm expression. This is the boy I saw in my dream the other night!

I watch as he sets down a tray on a nearby table, there are two cups filled with tea on them. I wish he had asked first, I prefer coffee.

I wonder what I’m doing here. I’m wondering what is happening to Shinji right now. I can’t be here, I have to get out of here and do something.

Finally the boy speaks, “You recognize me?”

I nod my head slowly but I don’t say anything.

“I am here to help you Asuka. There is much to explain but first I should introduce myself. I am Kaworu Nagisa.”

I know that name but why do I know that name. I think back and then it hits me, Shinji is the one who told me about Kaworu.

“You’re the final Angel?”

He nods, “Yes, or at least I was the final Angel. Until this one…”

He gives me the tea and I take it from him but I keep my eyes focused on him. I’m waiting for an explanation. Kaworu Nagisa and Rei appearing at the same time as the Angel makes its presence known. This isn’t a coincidence but I’m completely in the dark. I have no idea why I’m here, I should be with Shinji.

“What’s happening to Shinji?”

Kaworu sips from his cup, “The Angel that attached itself to Shinji has grown to full strength. The world is has created for him no longer has a use for him but now sees him as a threat and therefore it is trying to eliminate him.”

My heart speeds up at his words, “E-Eliminate him?”

“Yes. That is why you have been brought here. Right now the Angel is making an attempt to bring the two worlds it has created together. This will allow for a new Impact to occur.”

I feel my legs grow weak and I stumble slightly. This prompts Kaworu to immediately set down his cup and rush over to me. I feel his hand on my side as he guides me towards the bed and sits me down. His hands are warm as they brush against mine. They’re comforting in a way, I wonder if this is what Shinji felt when he was around Kaworu?

“I apologize, I had little time to rehearse how I was going to deliver the news to you. This might be something of a shock.”

I laugh and feel a smirk spread across my lips, “I’m fine. So Shinji is alright?”

Kaworu nods, “He is… he has suffered some trauma which we are trying to aid him with. Physically he is fine but…”

“Mentally he’ll need some taking care of… yeah, whatever. Show me to him, you guys will probably only make it worse.”

I try to stand again but Kaworu immediately grabs me by the shoulders and pushes me back down. My first instinct is to headbutt him for touching me but I decide to play nice.

“That isn’t a good idea, not until you’re both aware of the truth. Seeing you would…”

He pauses for a moment and I can see he’s thinking of the best way to word his next sentence. I prepare myself for it but what he says is something I could not prepare for.

“He thinks you’re dead. Shinji watched you die yesterday.”

\---

“Asuka is alright? I want to see her Ayanami! Please.”

“Not yet, she will need time to learn and adjust to the truth.”

“What truth? Ayanami, I don’t care, just let me see her please.”

I please with Rei but she doesn’t move from her position in front of me. I’ve tried forcing my way around but Ayanami is a lot stronger than I thought.

“Please Rei… what is going on here? I… I saw her self-destruct, how can she be alive? Why can’t I see her?”

“Because she is not the Asuka you saw blow up yesterday. She is not the Asuka you have been dealing with for the last twenty-five days. She is…”

Rei stops for a moment and then I see the small hint of a smile, “She is your Asuka.”

\---

I’ve died before and Shinji saw that but that was months ago and we both came back. I don’t remember dying recently so Kaworu’s words are taking a little bit of time to process.

“What do you mean he watched me die yesterday? Well go in there and tell him I didn’t and take me to him!”

Kaworu’s hands keep me firmly in place and the temptation to knock him over and rush out the door increases but something stops me. Maybe it’s the knowledge that my recent impulsive actions have resulted in seriously upsetting Misato and before that me collapsing. So I stay put for the moment.

“That is what Rei Ayanami is doing right now. You two will see each other but we have to be careful. The Angel is not aware of mine or Ayanami’s presence here, now is it aware of your presence. If we brought you to Shinji now it would be a great risk. That’s why we have those prepared.”

He nods towards the window and I look out again at the Evangelion waiting for me. They… Rei and Kaworu did this, how?

“Explain.”

“You remember what happened to Shinji?”

I nod, “Of course I do! He was shot and fell into a coma.”

“Yes, and as you’re aware that coma was the influence of an Angel that had found its way into Shinji’s body.”

“Yes, I’m aware! I know all about it, now tell me what the hell this is!”

“That Angel wasn’t one of us, it was not born from Adam. It was born in a similar way to your Eva’s were. A clone of an existing entity. We don’t know how but somehow the people who do this were able to choose the twelfth Angel as the subject. When Shinji was infected it created a false reality for him.”

“You mean… he’s been living a false life?”

“Yes, he awoke in that world believing he had just come out of the Twelfth Angel. He thought all that he had experienced up until then was the influence of the Twelfth Angel. He treated it as a premonition and tried to change things.”

I groan, “He… he thought it was all false? The idiot thought all that stuff that had happened to him was not real? Third Impact? The remaining Angels? Our relationship?”

“Yes… well, in a fashion. He sensed something was wrong but the Angel had a powerful influence over him. It was able to create a perfect facsimile of your world and everyone in it for him. He thought he had been given a chance to redo everything, to make a better world for you.”

“Idiot, you can’t redo things, we said that from the beginning!”

I look up at him and suddenly realize the implications of this. Shinji was in a world with another version of me. That would have been one of the things he tried to change wasn’t it? The relationship between me and him!

“Wait… he… and me… the other me? You said I died?”

“Yes. Shinji started by saving his friend and then he started perusing a relationship with your counterpart here. This made you both stronger, you were both able to defeat the other Angels with ease and by the time of the sixteenths arrival there were four Evangelion Units deployed. Shinji, You, Rei Ayanami and myself.”

I remember that fight. I was unable to do anything in it, my Eva wouldn’t move. That was the last straw for me, the final step on my descent into darkness. Kaworu means to tell me that Shinji had managed to change that so I could fight in this world.

“In that battle in the real world it was Rei who took on the Angel and unfortunately perished. In this world it was you. You were attacked and the Angel invaded your body, you activate-“

“Stop! I don’t need to hear anymore. I get it, I died. Again, big fucking deal. I’m going to kill that idiot, he…”

A million scenarios run through my head featuring Shinji and this false Asuka. My stomach churns at the thought of it all. I feel like throwing Kaworu off of me, telling him to leave so that I can smash up this room in anger. I feel betrayed by the idiot. How could he have not realized?

Kaworu’s hands lift from my shoulders, he kneels down and grabs my hands.

“Shinji was doing what he thought was right. Unfortunately there was no way for him to realize what was real or false. The Angel created a perfect version of your world and allowed for Shinji to use his ‘future knowledge’ to alter things. It was catering the world to aid him change things and from that it would draw its power.”

I listen to the words but few are reaching me. I’m caught thinking about how Shinji and this other Asuka would have spoken to each other. How she would have fallen asleep in his arms, how they’ll have kissed and done things that we would have done. While I was sat there looking on trying to help him he was…

“I-I’ll still…”

Kaworu tightens his grip on my hands, he gives me a look that freezes me in place and I realize the truth. The Angel, those people who made it. It used him. It used Shinji and now it’s about to discard him now that it’s done. It gave him a false happiness and made him believe it. I probably would have done the same. Yet I feel like I should have been able to do more. All I could do was sit by his bedside while he went through all of this. My words and music… none of it got through to him. It was all useless.

\---

My stomach drops severely as her words drift around in my mind.

“A-A false reality?”

Everything I’ve experienced for the past twenty five days wasn’t real? From the moment I woke up in that hospital room to watching Asuka die. It was all a false reality created by an Angel that had infected my body. I wasn’t changing anything. I was just living out a fantasy while everyone else suffered in the real world.

I suddenly go very dizzy as everything tries to iron itself out in my mind. I feel myself getting short of breath and grip the duvet very tightly. I slow my breaths down trying to regain some composure before looking up at Rei.

“Rei… I-I…”

I bring my hands up to my face and start sobbing as the emotions finally burst through that wall they were threatening to earlier. I should have known from the start. I should have known that it was impossible to change things. I should have realized that what I was experiencing wasn’t real but I didn’t. I let it fool me! I let myself believe I could change things. I was so blinded by my desire to change things I just accepted that I had been trapped in the Twelfth and was now free.

I feel Rei put her arm around my shoulder and embrace me as I sit their crying. It takes a few minutes but eventually the tears start to subside. She hands me a tissue to wipe my eyes with.

“Ikari… “

“Rei I… I can’t face her now…”

“Why not?”

I’m about to yell out because I fucked the one in this world. I betrayed her in the worst way. While she was suffering I was dating a fake Asuka. I was going to restaurants, I was going to concerts and I was having sex with her. Asuka was suffering in the real world and all I never knew!

“I… I betrayed her! I…”

“That is untrue, although this world you were in has become real the Angel made every effort at first to cater it to your needs. The people within it were perfect copies of the ones you knew from that moment in time.”

“But I… I should have known.”

“How? There was no possible way for you to know, unless you had been told and even then until this moment would you have believed it?”

I stop to think about it but the reality of it is confusing me. Was this world real or just some kind of dream world conjured up by the Angel? Her question rings in my ears, would I have believed it if I had been told?

“If you or Kaworu had…”

“We were unable to. Not until this moment. If we had the Angel would have done everything to eliminate us, we would have been unable to help in this moment.”

I sit back and think of Asuka again trying to calm myself down. The tears have thankfully stopped but I still don’t feel right. I feel guilt and sadness for her. For all she went through.

“I just… She… would have been worried about me, she… what do I do now?”

“The Angel is attempting to converge the worlds, you fight it. Alongside Sohryu.”

I turn my head and look out the window to where Unit 01 is waiting for me. I turn back to Rei and see her looking straight into my eyes.

“T-The Eva?”

Rei nods, “Only Eva can defeat the Angel’s. Even if this Angel is man-made.”

“But… you said this is a false reality!”

“No, this world is and has been real. The Angel is attempting convergence of the two worlds, it is merging the two realities together.”

“So… the Eva’s are…”

“Yes.”

\---

Even with Kaworu’s explanation this still doesn’t make any sense. The Angel plans to merge its reality with ours. From that it can create a new Impact. I don’t understand how, Adam and Lilith are gone.

Then I realize what it means if the Angel merges its reality with this one. In this world Lilith still exists. It’s there below that world’s version of NERV.

“You have realized then, Lilith is sleeping below NERV. The Angel has already began its process or eliminating that which it doesn’t need from this world. Only Tokyo-3 and Shinji remain. We’ve managed to extract Shinji but the Angel will be pushing ahead.”

I nod somewhat stunned into silence by all of this. A Fourth Impact, caused by an Angel that was created by man and being controlled by them. None of it seems possible but I know it is. We have to fight it. I’m still confused by one more thing. Unit 02 was destroyed in the real world and according to Kaworu the other Asuka destroyed hers. So why is it here now?

I look out towards Unit 02, my Unit 02 and Kaworu speaks.

“You’re wondering how it is possible for Unit 02 to be here considering both versions were destroyed.”

I nod, “Yes.”

“This space in which we inhabit is an extension of our hopes and wishes for the future of the world.”

“So you’re saying your hope created put Unit 02 here?”

“Exactly.”

“That sounds…”

He almost looks hurt when I start to explain how ridiculous that sounds, so I hold back for a moment.

“I’m aware of how it sounds but do not forget it was Shinjis hope, desire and love for others that ultimately saved the world during Third Impact. Myself and Rei are not human nor are we Angel anymore, therefore our hope and desire might be able to conjure up something a little bit more special.”

“That… makes sense. I guess…”

Kaworu kneels down in front of me and takes both of my hands. Again I’m filled with the same warmth I was earlier. I can’t explain it but Kaworu makes me feel different somehow, his presence is calming and reassuring despite all the fears running around inside my head. I look across at him.

“You know… Shinji told me about you…”

His eyes avert their gaze from mine. I can see a hint of redness fill his cheeks and he replies softly.

“Yes, I imagine he would have done.”

“You… befriended him when no one else was around didn’t you?”

He nods but his eyes don’t meet mine. Probably because he knows what I’m about to say to him. Throughout all of this I’ve had that in the back of my mind. Kaworu is or was an Angel. The words leave my lips. I take no joy in speaking them but I have to know for certain that this isn’t a trick.

“And you… betrayed him.”

“I… I did and…”

He pauses and looks at me. I watch as his features change to a look of regret. I don’t know a lot about Kaworu, I don’t know the sort of person he was. I know what Shinji told me about this enigmatic person who filled a space in his life in that moment of time. I was a little bit jealous to hear about Kaworu to be honest. Kaworu provided support for Shinji in a way that I couldn’t nor do I think I’m able. I’m just not the person to say things the way Kaworu did.

“I cannot make up for that.”

“Why did you do it? Why befriend him only to betray him? You were an Angel and an Eva pilot, why not just go straight for Lilith?”

“I had heard so much about him, I had heard so much about yourself I wanted to meet you both. Obviously I couldn’t meet you but I met Shinji and… well he had an effect on me…”

“Yeah he has a habit of doing that…”

“I started to question why I was here and what my purpose was. I was raised for one specific task, to bring about the Third Impact. I was told that this was humanities only option by the man who raised me.”

“So what changed?”

“I was ready to do it. I took Unit 02 and I descended into Terminal Dogma with it. Shinji fought against me, he fought against Unit 02. He even apologized to you while he was doing it fearing you were inside.”

I didn’t know about that. The idiot knew I was in the hospital, how would I have been piloting Unit 02 in that state?

“So… when we arrived there I saw that it wasn’t Adam in front of me like I had been led to believe. It was Lilith.”

“You were lied to?”

“Yes. I realized that Adam was no more. His soul was within me but I had been reborn as Tabris. If I were to merge with Lilith I would condemn mankind to non-existence rather than the rebirth they promised and I would remain on this Earth as a solitary figure. I would be immortal but incredibly lonely. That was what they wanted me to realize, so I gave my life to Shinji. In the hope that humanity would live on. I did not realize they would use the Eva series to start Third Impact.”

“I don’t understand, why did you have to die?”

“If I didn’t die then they would have killed me anyway. My body was riddled with failsafes implanted by them. I had no choice but to die but at least I could make the choice of how to die…”

I can’t believe the words coming out of Kaworu’s mouth. His death, his choice fucked Shinji up completely. It put Shinji on the path to nearly destroying the world and yet I can’t fault Kaworu. If I was in that place would I have done the same? It was perhaps his act of defiance against the people who betrayed him.

I look down at Kaworu and I see the sadness on his face now. He as a victim of this whole mess too just like we all were. Just at that moment there is a huge rumble, the ground shakes violently and I watch as the two cups of tea on the side fall to the floor smashing into little pieces. Kaworu looks upwards.

“It begins…”

I look towards Unit 02 again and suddenly I’m hit with a number of thoughts. I have to pilot it don’t I? I actually have to put on a plugsuit again and climb into an Entry Plug. I have to go up that elevator shaft and I don’t know what I have to face.

I look down at my hands and their shaking, I’m actually scared and I’m showing it. After what happened last time how can I not be? I can’t even hide this. I’m not Asuka Langley Sohryu the Evangelion pilot anymore, that ended months ago. I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu the girl, the survivor and Shinji’s protector.

I take a deep breath and look ahead at Unit 02s face. I’ll do it, I’ll fight and protect Shinji. Only this time I won’t lose. I can’t lose.

\---

I have to pilot it again. I have to get inside an Evangelion and use it to fight our enemy. I feel like I’m about to throw up at the thought of it. After what happened last time I fought in one, watching Asuka die like that. How can I actually pilot again? Even if that wasn’t the real Asuka, she felt real to me and I can’t risk that again.

“She will be there with you Ikari.”

I look up at Rei, “I know but… she, we… how can we do this Rei? I can’t protect her, I tried to and I failed. Even if that wasn’t real I still failed. I don’t know how to protect her. I don’t know how to protect anyone.”

Her hand reaches for my face and for a moment I’m reminded of my mother. Rei is looking down at me her eyes stern and serious.

“You won’t fail.”

“How can you say that? You don’t know that.”

“Because I have faith in you and Sohryu.”

I remember when I first met Rei she once asked me if I had faith in my father’s work. I told her I didn’t and asked how I ever could when he wasn’t even a father to me. She slapped me. My father’s work was the Evangelion and despite his own scenario deviating from their supposed purpose the Eva’s did work and they did save us. She was right to have faith in his work, despite my feelings towards him.

Now she has faith in me and Asuka. She has faith we can stop the Angel and save the world. I wish I had that faith too.

I look out towards Unit 01 again. Ayanami, Kaworu, Misato, Fuyutsuki and Asuka. All their faces flash in front of me. The people I’ve met since returning who are in the shelter and the people around the world who are unaware of what is happening right now. Their lives are in my hands. I have to pilot it again. I have to fight our enemy. I have to win.

Just as I’m about to get up we hear a voice in the room, “Ayanami, Evangelion Unit 02 has launched and is heading towards the surface. The Angel is starting its attack.”

\---

**Outskirts of Tokyo-3**

The car pulls up on a cliff overlooking the former city and I quickly get out the car. I’m followed by Fuyutsuki and Rebecca. The reports came in a short while ago, strange sightings where Tokyo-3 used to be. I’m stunned at I look out across where the city used to be. Looking down I can see the Geofront as it was. NERV headquarters are there.

Swirls of dust are being created around the enter area and the noise is almost deafening. I glance upwards and floating above the Geofront is a giant sphere resembling the Twelfth Angel only this is at least three times the size. I hear a distant rumbling and look down at the Geofront just in time to see one of the elevators shoot up out of the ground.

Rebecca yells over the noise, “What the hell is happening? I thought all of this was destroyed?”

“It was! I… oh my god…”

I look forward and see Unit 02 appear from where the elevator had shot out of the ground. Shortly afterwards this is followed by Unit 01 also making its appearance. I look up towards the Angel again. It’s not moving but I see sections of it start to pulsate.

They remain like this for a short time with the pulses becoming more violent until eventually the flesh of the Angel tears open. From each hole emerges a white winged figure, each carrying a large lance. With horror I realize that I’ve seen them before.


	23. Still The Children

I feel myself get pushed back into my seat as the Eva shoots through the elevator shaft to its destination. The familiar surge of adrenaline before battle kicks in and I’m aware of a confident smile forming on my face. Eventually the Eva comes to a stop and I survey the environment. It’s the Geofront, intact just as it was before Third Impact. Kaworu was right, the Angel is attempting to merge the two worlds together. It’s bringing its own reality across into ours. At 13.75 kilometres across at its largest point it might not seem like a lot. It might even seem insignificant compared to the rest of Japan, even the world but within this spherical object will now lie a fresh version of the being known as Lilith.

With this being the ones controlling this Angel can condemn humanity to its end. Of course they see things differently, their goal is to bring humanity to one being in an aim to eliminate the holes within our hearts. To bring us to a world of no sadness, no pain, no misery and no hurt. It sounded tempting once over, Shinji almost allowed it to happen but then he realized a world without all of those things means a world of no happiness either, a world catered to your needs means you can’t know true happiness. It will just lead to emptiness eventually. It’s running away. Something I’ve grown accustomed to over the last ten or so years.

Running away from my true feelings to appear strong so that I wouldn’t be hurt. Hiding behind a façade and pushing people away so that they can’t hurt me. All it led to was being hurt and I paid the price for it. I won’t pay that price anymore, I have to win this time.

“I understand now Mama, the meaning of the A.T. Field. You were always watching over me weren’t you? You were always protecting me, you were always here. You’re here now aren’t you?”

I get no reply but I feel something from inside the Evangelion. It’s a warmth I’ve felt before when I first realized she was in here. She can’t communicate with me properly without taking me inside the Eva and I know she won’t do that. Instead I look down at the panel and I see my sync ratio. It’s eighty five point seven two. A new personal best. That’s how she communicates with me.

“Hey Mama, this’ll probably be the last time we speak but… I wanted you to know I’m not lonely anymore. I found someone or at least we found each other. He’s the pilot of Unit 01, Shinji Ikari. You probably knew his mother didn’t you? Well anyway he’s a bit of an idiot and he’s really shy but… he’s like me. He lost his mother when he was younger and his father didn’t want much to do with him. We just dealt with it in different ways and well I’m going to protect him. We’re going to protect him. We’re going to save the world now mama.”

I look down, another two points is added to my sync ratio. I grin and nod my head.

“Thank you mama, let’s do this.”

\---

I’m pushed back into my seat as me and the Eva rocket through the shaft to the Geofront. I’m nervous because I know she is going to be waiting for me when I get up there. Asuka, the real Asuka… my Asuka.

I’ve not had a lot of time to think about all that’s happened. In the past few hours my emotions have been hammered from all sides. The grief I felt when I thought I had lost her. The joy when I realized she was still alive. The confusion when I learned that I had been trapped in another reality. The guilt I felt when I learned the Asuka I had been with for the past twenty five days was not real. The sorrow I felt for what she had to go through in the real world. The panic I’m not feeling as I head towards yet another fight.

Eventually I arrive at the Geofront, the Evangelion comes to a sudden stop and I survey the land in front of me. It’s all here and intact but as I look out I can see the familiar remnants of the real world. In the distance the sea of LCL can be spotted along with Liliths head. It’s nearly completely submerged now.

_“Good of you to join me Shinji.”_

I hear the voice coming over the radio and my heart fills with joy at the sound of her voice. I go to reply and immediately feel the guilt wash over me. There is so much I want to say at once, I want to apologize to her and explain everything but all I can do is stutter out her name.

“A-A-Asuka!”

_“It’s been a while…”_

Her voice. She doesn’t sound angry or upset but there is an edge to it. I wonder if she knows everything. Would Kaworu have told her? He probably would have done, he will have had to have done.

“Yeah! Look… Asuka… I have a lot to explain and… I just…”

She swiftly cuts me off. Again I can’t tell how she is from here. She sounds surprisingly calm but there is something behind it. I know her. She’s holding something back.

_“Cool it. I know everything, explain later…”_

“You know everything?”

_“Everything.”_

“Even abo-“

_“Especially that.”_

“Oh… I…”

_“Yeah yeah! You’re sorry. I get it. Kaworu explained it all to me…”_

“You’re not mad?”

_“Oh I’m mad. In fact I’m very mad Shinji, mad that someone dared to try to take you away from me. Mad that they used a false me to keep you there. Mad that they tried to use you to end the world. I’m very angry, which is why I’m going to show these people what happens when I get angry.”_

“But!”

_“It can wait Shinji, for now we fight.”_

I turn around and I can see Unit 02 facing me. It’s stood up to full height and I can sense her inside it smiling. She’s right, discussions can wait. We have to fight one last time and we have to win. I look up and I see the Angel. A giant black and white patterned sphere. It’s exactly like the Twelfth only three times as large. It’s hovering in the air between the two of us. From here neither of us would be able to reach it.

Suddenly I see sections of its surface start to pulsate. The pulses increase in speed and ferocity until eventually the flesh of the Angel tears open. From each of the tears emerges a single white Evangelion Unit. Each of them carrying a huge double sided sword and each extending its wings to full width. They start to circle the Angel before looking down at us.

\---

I watch as the nine members of the Eva series emerge from the Angel. I admit it, I’m a little bit scared at the sight of them. Only I know this time things will be different. I don’t have to rely on back-up power. I’m plugged in. I know to take out the cores properly this time. I also have Shinji besides me. The invincible Shinji, as long as he is here there’s no way I can lose.

Besides I have more to fight for this time. They took him away from me. They tricked him, they used him as a tool. They have to die.

“Hey Shinji, you see that? Those bastards are back.”

_“Y-Yeah… I see them Asuka.”_

“So, nine unit’s. Tell me, what’s your sync ratio Third?”

_“Umm… eighty five point seven two…”_

“Shame, mine is eighty second point seven two. As always just a step behind. Guess I’ll be taking on five and you’ll be taking on four. Are you ready?”

\---

I nod and ready myself to attack. The nine Units are still high up in the air circling the Angel. I wonder when they’re going to start to lower themselves to our level. They continue to circle and I see a mass of clouds suddenly move in blocking the sun and casting a shadow on us all. I glance down at the readings inside the Eva and see the outside temperature has suddenly dropped.

It’s nearly April and the outside temperature has suddenly dropped to nearly zero degrees Celsius. Is this the work of the Angel?

_“What the hell is this? It’s affecting the weather?”_

As she speaks I see the first white flakes fall to the ground. I can’t help but be amazed at the sight of it. Snow is falling in Tokyo-3.

“Asuka are you seeing this it’s… snowing?”

My visibility reduces somewhat as the snow begins to fall at a quicker pace. It’s already beginning to lay in front of me. As I look up I can still see the white Unit’s circling the Angel. They’re getting closer.

_“Yeah I see it but… this is impossible. It shouldn’t… wait look out they’re coming!”_

_\---_

I watch as the first of the white Evangelion Units approaches the ground. Without giving Shinji time to respond I rush forward. As soon as it hits the ground I leap and I grab the bastard by its jaws. Its jaws snap open spraying the blood of the Eva everywhere and casting a red mark onto the freshly laid snow.

Wasting no time I quickly hoist the Eva over my head and I rip the beast in half with Unit 02s hands. A torrent of blood flows over my cockpit screen and pools around the base of Unit 02. I throw it down onto the floor and reach for my shoulder pylon where my progressive knife has just appeared. I bring the knife down into the beast armour exposing the core and this time I’m going to ensure I destroy it completely. I’m not going to get caught out like I did last time.

I keep a close eye on it as it writhes in agony. Sparks and blood gush out of it as finally the core changes from illuminated to nothingness and finally shatters. I stand up straight and smile before whispering.

“Erste”

\---

I can’t help but be amazed at how well Asuka handles her Evangelion. She’s always been good but it has been months since she last piloted so I wasn’t expecting her to be as good as this. Especially after what had happened last time she piloted. Yet what else should I expect from her? She’s perfect.

I turn my attention from her to watch as three white Units take their place in front of me. As if frightened by the quick death of their comrade they seem apprehensive to attack me. They’re staying a firm distance from me, backing away slightly and clutching their lances. A frightened Evangelion, it is possible I suppose. They’re human after all.

I withdraw my knife from the Evangelions shoulder pylon and assume a defensive stance. I see the three Units in front of me. The two on either side have parted from the middle one as if trying to surround me. Without giving them a chance to progress further I dash forward at the one in the middle. I raise the knife high and leap into the air.

There is a mighty crash as I bring the knife down upon the Evangelion just as it raises its lance to block me. I back away and take a swing at the beast but it’s able to parry me with no problem. Sparks fly from where our weapons meet. I swing again but it manages to dodge out of the way and counters me with a down swipe of its lance. I’m able to just get out of the way before it tears into my armour.

Now we stand with only a slight distance between us. I have my knife raised defensively and it has the lance prepared. I’m aware of the other two Units circling us ready to leap at me at any opportunity. Yet I know they won’t, they risk hurting their friend if they do. If I stay close to it then they won’t attack me.

It goes for a horizontal swing with the lance. I jump backwards and bring up the knife to try to deflect the lance. More sparks fly and pain shoots through my arms at the sheer force of the lance hitting the knife.

In the background I can hear similar sounds coming from Asuka in Unit 02. Her voice comes across my communications system.

_“God damnit these knives are useless for this sort of thing. Couldn’t they have built us a weapon that can change form? Like one handed for when we need it but can stand to two handed and long range?”_

I grin as I realize what she is referring to. It’s perhaps not good to think about that in battle but we acquired a games console from that supermarket and there is a game on it we used to play together. Some of the weapons in it had two forms, a one handed version and a two handed version. I agree with her, the axe from that game would be very useful right now.

Although it does give me an idea. I move towards the white unit and thrust my blade forward just a little bit. I bring it back and watch what it does with its lance. It raises the lance into the air and just as it starts its downswing I roll past the Eva managing to get around its back. Almost immediately I get to my feet and I bring the knife around the Units throat and slice cleanly. Blood erupts from the Evas neck and spray forward onto the snow. I feel it fall backwards and as it does I bring the blade down on the Units mid-section and plunge the blade through. Just like with Asuka a shower of blood spurts upwards and eventually the core is destroyed silencing the unit.

I bring Unit 01 to full height and whisper back to Asuka.

“Zweite.”

\---

I’m a little bit confused but it sounds like Shinji actually enjoyed that. That’s a first. It’s a shame I couldn’t witness it but I’m a bit pre-occupied with fighting three of these bastards at the same time. Unlike Shinji who seems to have gotten the defensively minded Units, mine are a touch on the aggressive side, deciding to take it in turns to take swings at me with their lances and not giving me a chance to recuperate.

If only I had something with a longer range I might be able to fight back but as it is this crappy knife just isn’t doing the job. What was the point of that anyway? Develop these giant beasts and give them a small dagger to combat enemies with. Surely a sword or something would have been better.

I dodge out of the way of another horizontal swing from the Unit to my left. It’s immediately followed by a downswing from the Unit to my right. I quickly duck out of the way of that only to have to leap over another horizontal swing from the central Evangelion Unit.

“Scheisse these bastards are organized.”

I can’t keep dodging like this, eventually I’m going to get hit or my cable is going to be cut. I need to think of other options. I suddenly remember one of the little tricks this Eva was equipped with. I duck under another horizontal swing from the Unit to my right. This time however I jump backwards and bring my shoulder just in line with its face. I wait just a moment and fire. I watch as a sequence of spikes are hurled forward from Unit 02s shoulder pylon directly into the white Evangelions face. It reels back for a moment as the spikes force their way through its grotesque smiling face.

Taking my opportunity I move around to its side whilst it’s stunned and I grab for its lance forcing it out of the beasts’ hands.

“My turn!”

I give it no opportunity to reply and instead swing horizontally at its leg, slicing it clean off. Its two friends back away as I bring the lance down on its shoulder slicing the arm off this time. Now for the kill. I raise the lance again and slice the Evangelion clean through the middle making sure I cut the core clean in half. Both sides of the Evangelion call to either side as more of the snow is covered in thick red blood.

New weapon in hand I look at the two Evangelions in front of me. Their aggression seems to have been turned down a notch now that I have a new toy to place with. I’m not letting go of it this time. Sweat is starting to pour down my face as I grin and reply to Shinji.

“Dritte”

\---

Two of the Units still haven’t found their way to the ground yet. I’m aware of them still circling the large Angel in the centre but I’m more concerned with the two that are attacking me right now. When I killed their friend it seems to have increased their ferociousness and they’re taking swing after swing at me. 

I manage to dodge one swing but I’m immediately caught by the blunt side of one of the lances. I scream out in pain as I fall to the floor.

_“Shinji are you alright!”_

Rolling out of the way to avoid a downwards thrust from one of the Units I give my reply to her, “Fine, just got caught by one of them. How are you doing?”

_“Two out of five down here, going well…”_

I can hear the anger and frustration in her voice coupled with the hefty footsteps of her Evangelion dodging out of the way of the attacks from the two she is currently engaged with. I roll out of the way of another attack and quickly scramble to my feet. Asuka was right, fighting with this knife against the lances they brandish just isn’t going to work.

I feel immense pain in my shoulder from where I was caught before and look around the landscape. In the distance I can see the Eva I took out earlier. I can see the lance it dropped when it fell. I throw my progressive knife forward towards one of the Evas coming towards me and run towards it. I don’t care where it hits the Eva but I distract it enough to rush forward and grab the fallen lance.

One of the Evangelions seems to have chased me. I barely have time to ensure I’ve grabbed the lance before I see it bearing down on me. I quickly roll onto my back and bring the lance up to deflect its downswing. Sparks fly and pain shoots through my hands from the impact.

I scramble backwards as it swings down again. I keep the lance raised to block its swing. Once again it comes down only this time it keeps pushing trying to force the blade closer and closer to me. I can feel it lightly touching the armour around Unit 01s head.

I grip my controls tightly and try with everything I have to push back against it. I send Unit 01s foot out wildly but I’m unable to catch the Eva. It continues to push at me trying to cut through the armour of the head. I yell out as the blade begins to cut through. I can feel something trickling down my forehead and I hope it’s just sweat.

I scream out and keep on trying to push forward. I lash out again with my leg and look up just in time to watch the head of the white Unit come flying clean off. My eyes widen in surprise as the force of it pushing suddenly subsides. Without any hesitation and fighting through the pain in my head I finally kick the Eva off of me and slice upwards with the lance slicing it clean through the middle. Just like Asuka did before I make sure to destroy the core.

Slowly I stagger to my feet and see Unit 02 standing their gripping its own lance tightly. I can sense Asuka inside there smiling at me. She protected me, she saved my life. I smile back and our voices are in sync with one another.

“Vierte”

\---

Four down five to do. I take my position alongside Shinji and watch as the two hovering Evangelion Units finally make their way down to the surface to join their three comrades in front of us. The snow is still falling and has settles across the Geofront. Around us is a trail of destruction. Sections of the land stained with the blood of the Evas. Armour and body parts cast aside. It’s a real warzone.

Inside my entry plug I’m breathing heavily, I’m covered in sweat. I’m not used to this, I haven’t had to pilot in months. I didn’t think I would have to ever again. I’m hardly unfit but I’m just not used to this. I imagine Shinji is exactly the same is his entry plug. I look up at the slowly rotating patterned Angel above us. We’re not even half way through this yet.

\---

There is nothing I can do but watch and hope that they win. The three of us are sat watching from the edge of the Geofront. Watching as the blizzard comes down across the former site of Tokyo-3 and watching as Asuka and Shinji fight to ensure our survival. I clutch my necklace tightly and hope that they can do it.

They’ve taken down four of the Eva series so far but now they have five left in front of them. The battle isn’t even halfway to being done. I wish there was some way to help them, to get some support out to them. To contact them or give them advice but I can’t. I’m completely powerless, I just have to put my faith in them.

I turn and see Fuyutsuki looking on, a concerned look on his face.

“You alright old man?”

He narrows his eyes at me, I don’t think he appreciated being called old man but there is no chain of command anymore. I can get away with it.

“They’re making sure to destroy the cores this time.”

I nod, “Yeah I noticed that, overkill maybe but I suppose it means they won’t get up.”

I look out across the battlefield again, no one has made a move yet. Asuka and Shinji are on one side, the five Mass Produced Eva’s on the other. I don’t know a lot about the battle last time aside from the fact that Asuka lost. I had already left this realm by that point. Fuyutsuki and the others however got a good view of it.

“So… what happened when Asuka fought them last time?”

His head lowers for a moment, “It was… It was my responsibility. I didn’t tell her to take out the cores and the regenerative abilities of the Eva series kicked in. Before we knew it she had ran out of power and the series revived itself. If I had told her…”

“She still would have ran out of power… you shouldn’t blame yourself.”

“It is hard not to, there is a lot I should have done different Katsuragi. This battle was one of them. I knew about the Eva series abilities and even about the lances they carry yet I didn’t relay any of that information to Asuka. There was opportunity to do so”

I didn’t think I’d see the day in which Fuyutsuki expressed regret for his actions. He never seemed to show any sort of emotion in NERV except for annoyance and anger. I always assumed regret was beyond him but since I came back I’ve had to change that view. I’ve had to see him in a different light now. Someone who like all of us regrets their actions and wants to make amends.

I do feel some anger towards him for what he did, how can I not? His actions nearly led to the end of the world. People died and suffered because of his actions, or at least his inaction. Yet I think of what Asuka told me about Shinji, that Third Impact was punishment enough for our actions. How can Shinji so easily forgive people, any of us? I should have done more for him and Asuka yet I didn’t.

I look ahead again and I see Unit’s 01 and 02 move backwards and wonder what they’re going to do next.

\---

_“Hey Shinji, dya remember the first Angel we fought together?”_

I shudder at the memory of it, it wasn’t my finest moment in front of other people. That plugsuit looks good on Asuka, not so much on me.

“Yeah… I do, on the ship?”

There is a pause followed by a laugh,  _“No! Not that one you idiot, I mean the first one we fought together properly. Remember what we had to do for it?”_

I shudder again at the memory of that. Again learning to dance is not one of my finest moments. We had to do everything together that week. Eat together, sleep in the same room, study, watch television and of course dance together so we could be in perfect sync with one another. I didn’t know Asuka much back then, I thought she was loud, obnoxious and a pain to deal with. Yet at the same time it was in that week I started to fall for her.

“Yeah I remember.”

_“Good, the centre Unit take a look at it.”_

I look ahead of me and see the central Eva is hanging behind the other four. The Units to its immediate right and left have moved forward somewhat. On the far sides the Units have spread out a bit trying to surround us.

“I see it…”

_“Ok so this is what we’re going to do. Back away slightly then run forward. We’ll use the two to its immediate sides to springboard up into the air then bring our lances down on it, making sure we get those cores. Then at the same time we transform the lances and throw them at this point._

She sends over a data transmission to Shinji, it highlights the point on the Unit's armour that protects the power core.

_'You got that?”_

Asuka’s plan flies through my mind. I mentally trace out the path but fear suddenly grips me. For that sort of thing last time we had a week to practice being in sync with one another. We haven’t had any time at all for this!

I also wonder about transforming the lance. I know these things can change form but I don’t know how to do it. Does Asuka?

“Uhh…”

_“Good, on three then!”_

“But…”

_“One…”_

“Asuka!”

_“Two”_

“The lances!”

_“Three!”_

To hell with it. Casting aside my doubts I sprint forward at the same time as Asuka. Our footsteps thunder through the snow as we make our way towards our targets. I listen for Asuka to give the signal.

_“JUMP NOW!”_

Without any hesitation I get Unit 01 to leap up into the air. I watch as the white Evangelion below me misses with a horizontal swing. It lurches forward just as Asuka predicted it would and just in time for Unit 01 to begin its descent.

We land on the back of the two Units and immediately leap back up in the air gaining more height. I sneak a look to my right and see Unit 02 matching my exact height and speed. We’re in complete sync with each other, it’s exactly as it was last time.

We both bring our weapons up at the same time aiming for the centre of the Eva. I ready myself to land as both of our lances collide simultaneously with the head of the Unit. It has no time to relax as we slice through it making two clean vertical cuts through it decimating it completely. I hear the core inside shattering but take no time to stop and confirm it.

I still don’t know how to make this thing transform. Do I just think it and it transforms? Do I just throw it? I quickly look across at Asuka and see Unit 02 pulling the lance back so I do the same, I throw it at the target and watch as it starts to twist and change shape mid-flight. It goes from being the long white lance it was previously and is now transformed into the red forklike Lance of Longinus.

With ease it pierces through the armour and into the core of my target and I watch as blood gushes from the cracks in the armour and the Unit drops to its knees.

\---

I smile as the Unit drops down dead and run over to retrieve the lance.

“Fünfte, sechste and siebte.”

Two Units to go. I didn’t think that would work as well as it did but to give credit to me, I am amazing. Shinji was pretty good as well I guess, maybe a step or two behind me but still good. Mama is protecting me just like I knew she would.

_“ASUKA WATCH OUT!”_

“Huh?”

I spin around just in time to see a lance flying at me. Instantly I raise my A.T. Field and halt its progress. My power is still running but a familiar pang of fear strikes my heart as I watch the weapon twist into the replica lance of Longinus. I keep my field in place but I know it won’t hold up, these weapons are made to pierce A.T. Fields.

I’m reminded straight away of what happened in my last battle against these things. It’s the same thing again and I prepare myself for the pain. My stomach tightens into a knot and my eyes widen, it can’t end like this again, not again.

Just as I see it start to pierce through my A.T. Field I see a purple blur past me and snatch it out of the way. I instantly breathe a sigh of relief. Shinji… Shinji saved me. Just in time, he saved me.

His voice comes over the radio. There is panic in his voice but also a hint of relief.

_“Asuka… are you alright?”_

“Yeah… fine. Let’s get these two bastards and then kill the Angel.”

_“Right!”_

Only two Evangelions are left, that is one each and I don’t think they’ll give us too much trouble. In truth they aren’t tough enemies but the numbers and abilities they have make them formidable. Regenerative abilities and S2 engines make them tougher than the average Evangelion. Yet they’re piloted by a dummy plug, a puppet being piloted by another puppet. They can’t fight like we can, they can’t communicate like we’re able to and that gives us the advantage.

That’s how it has always been. Me, Shinji and even Ayanami were at our best when we were all on the same page. When we were all friends. The moment that fell apart, the moment of the twelfth Angel when Shinji went against the plans and I started to doubt myself. That was when things went wrong.

The Angel’s before that we were amazing. I realize that now, we drew off of each other to be better pilots. Shinji got better because of me and I got better because of him. Yet I never realized that then, I was so determined to be better than everyone else I lost sight of that. Well not this time.

I’ve got Mama watching over me, I’ve got my A.T. Field and I have Shinji. There is no way we can lose!

I get Unit 02 back on its feet. I rush forward towards the now weaponless Evangelion and along the way throw my own lance. It hits the Evangelion directly in the chest. I approach the lance at full speed and hold out both hands and push the lance further through the Eva. Blood gushes out again as I edge closer to its midsection.

As I approach the core I release my grip on the lance and ready Unit 02s hand into a fist and bring it crashed down armour. There is a huge sound of steel on steel as my fist collides with the armour. I bring the fist down again and scream out as it causes a dent in the armour. Small cracks appear at the edges allowing me to take hold and rip the armour plating off and expose the innards of the Unit. I see the power core and bring my fist down again. I put everything I have into it. This is for Shinji, this is for those people out there and this is for me. The girl you bastards killed and tore apart. Just like the others it too shatters and the Eva crashes to the ground. I turn just in time to see Shinji dealing with the last one.

My breathing is heavy, sweat is still dripping from all parts of me. I survey the landscape and see the blood splattered ground. It’s patchy now that fresh snow has covered it. All nine of the Eva series lay silent on the ground. We did it. We won.

\---

“They did it…”

I say the words aloud allowing them to become more real. Joy rushes through me as I watch the Unit 01 and Unit 02 stand triumphantly over the last of the Eva series. I know it’s not over yet but they actually managed to beat all nine of them. It was perfect, it was amazing! I always knew what they were capable of if they were on the same page, I saw glimpses of it before Third Impact before everything got messed up.

I still have so many questions, how did Shinji get from the complex to here. Why are the two Evangelion Units here? When they shouldn’t be but that that can wait. All that matters is Asuka and Shinji are winning.

I allow myself to smile and turn to look at both Fuyutsuki and Rebecca. Both of them are looking slightly more cautious. Rebecca is crouched next to a radio, I notice she is wearing an earpiece and she seems to be listening intently to something.

Finally she looks up at us both.

“My people have sent word from Europe. The U.N. issues an alert to the governments of the world regarding another Impact level event happening on the site of Tokyo-3. Mass evacuations are happening in major cities just as they did in December.”

“They… They know what is happening here?”

She shakes her head and continues, “No, a group related to SEELE have managed to stage a takeover of NERV Germany and Great Britain. They’re leaking information to major news stations right now about what is happening, they’re issuing a warning that the completion of human instrumentality is imminent.”

“So they’re making more of a public statement of it than SEELE ever did. Interesting.”

“Indeed, the world-press are running a feed of what is happening here. The rest of the world just saw that battle.”

“You mean… they have cameras here?”

I look around and try to look for signs of any other people but see absolutely nothing, as far as I can see it is only us three, the Angel and the two Eva’s.

“Why are they doing this? What do they hope to gain by being so public?”

Rebecca shrugs, “I don’t know, maybe they see this as a situation they can’t lose. I’ve got my people reaching out to the U.N. as we speak, offering whatever help we can. It’s not easy, SEELE were very careful to cover their tracks and the U.N. is having a tough time accepting our word.”

“Kyoto University, my old office.”

The two of us slowly turn our heads towards Fuyutsuki who has remained silent until this moment.

“Huh?”

“In my old office in Kyoto, one of the walls in there is a trick wall. Behind it is a safe, inside that is a disc that contains all of my original notes on SEELE and the Human Instrumentality Project before I joined Gehirn. It has names, plans and the truth behind everything. It was… it should provide your people with what they need to convince the U.N.”

There is a pause and finally she nods.

“I understand.”

I look between the two of them, “So… what happens next?”

“That depends on if Shinji and Asuka are able to defeat that thing up there. If they do then we prepare to fight on a different front, in front of politicians. Even with the proof we give them they will still call everything into question.”

I smirk, “That’s more your field I feel.”

“Perhaps, but I am afraid they are unlikely to consider me a reliable person to speak to. My association with Gendo Ikari will be used against me and they will potentially see me as an accessory to it all. My input will probably be limited.”

I know he is right and I offer no further input. I look ahead to Asuka and Shinji and just hope that I can protect them from it all. Once they’ve done this I’ll get them to safety, I’ll keep them away from all of that. If I have to sit and face politicians and leaders and generals all day I’ll do it.

“Somethings happening…”

I look ahead on hearing those words and see the Angel moving downwards.

\---

Neither of us have said anything since we beat the last of the Eva series. Out communications channel has been open the whole time and all that has filled it is the sound of our heavy breathing as we try to catch our breath. I wipe my forehead with the back of my hand and there is now a red stain on the back of my glove from the blood that is slowly trickling down.

I look out of the cockpit and I see Unit 02 stood in front of me, I wonder if she is doing the same. I’m hit with a sense of apprehension again and I wonder what she is thinking. I know that this world is real now, I know that what I experienced was fake. It was a world catered to look like my own after the twelfth Angel and I fell for it.

I think back across those twenty days and I know I was probably given signs throughout it. I think about Kaworu’s words throughout it about not being able to redo things and I wonder if this was him trying to put those thoughts in my mind.

Then there were the two incidents when we were finally brought together again. I rejected her and told her she wasn’t the real Asuka. I ran away, so convinced by the false reality that I rejected everything.

There is another thing as well that I recall. While I was there things popped into my mind that I couldn’t have possibly known or for no good reason.

“Asuka…”

_“…Yes?”_

“D-Did you… when I was in the coma did you play music for me?”

The video feed pops up and I’m greeted instantly by her shocked and happy face, “Y-You heard that?”

_“I… I think so, I woke up once in that place with The Musical Box in my head and another time there was… a song about a Jester…”_

“Y-You actually heard them? I… Yes! I did!”

\---

I burst out into a smile at hearing him say that. He actually heard the music I was playing for him, it had an effect on him even a small one.

“On evenings I… came and spoke to you and played music for you. It seemed stupid but… I… I didn’t think you’d actually hear it.”

His video feed pops up and I’m ecstatic to see his face again. He’s breathing heavily, his face covered in sweat and there is some blood trickling from his forehead but he’s there. He is real and he is my Shinji.

There is so much I want to say to him, so much I want to do to him but just as I’m about to say something the ground suddenly begins to shake. I try to move the Evangelion away but I’m unable to. As I look down I see a black circle opening up below us.

“Shit”

I try to move Unit 02s legs but they aren’t moving. I’m trapped sinking into this Angel like its quicksand. It’s exactly what happened to Shinji during the fight against the twelfth. Only this time it’s taking the two of us. I shut down the video feed for a moment and I start to laugh.

I should have seen it coming. I really should have done, the fight against the Eva’s was little more than a distraction. Now it’s going to take us into itself and complete what it needs to do. After all that we failed. We actually fucking failed.

No, we can’t have done. We can’t fail. We’re not fucking allowed to fail. It’s not fair. I grip the Lance I’m still carrying tightly in Unit 02s hand and throw it towards the rotating Angel. It hovers for a moment before passing into and being absorbed by the Angel. No effect, I should have known. My heart is pounding but I’m still laughing.

I look across as Unit 01 and see its arms thrashing about wildly. Shinji will be screaming in there and yelling. I couldn’t protect him, after all this time I failed yet again. The girl who nearly caused the end of the world months ago is about to be a catalyst for it yet again.

I look up, “Well Mama… I guess, this is good bye isn’t it? I know this would be the last time I would see you but… I didn’t expect this. I know you tried to protect me and I know you were watching over me but I guess somethings you just can’t protect. Guess I’m just like you in the end.”

I look across at Unit 01 again, it’s still thrashing about and I open up the communications channel again. I can hear Shinji yelling. Eventually he gives up and he looks towards me. I lower my head and mutter so he can’t hear me.

“Goodbye Mama, I’m going over there to be with him. I’ll… see you later I guess.”

I’m strangely calm knowing that I’m about to die and this world is about to end but I guess it won’t be so bad.

\---

Above the two of us nailed to her cross is Lilith. The source of life for this planet. As of this moment she is dormant, barely alive only serving to secrete the orange liquid the people of this place call LCL. This is the second time I have stood before Lilith. The first was when I thought it was Adam when I had the intention of ending this world and allowing myself to life on after being led to believe that was the true path for humanity.

It of course was not, it was a boy who changed all that for me. A boy called Shinji Ikari who changed things for everyone. There is a girl stood next to me. She has stood before Lilith a number of times and the last time she become joined with the being. She too rejected her role having been brought up to fulfil a singular purpose. She turned on her creator and father figure. That was all because she had met Shinji Ikari who changed things for her.

Now the two of us stand before Lilith again. We are stood here of our own free will this time having made a decision to help that boy and the one he loves to save this world.

I reach out my hand and it brushes against hers. Our fingers intertwine as we begin to float upwards towards the beings face.

I turn to the girl. Rei Ayanami, the first child. She is like me, harbouring an otherworldly soul and artificial. Except she is not exactly like me. She is not alone in this world. There exists another out there. A Rei Ayanami who emerged from the sea of LCL just like Asuka and Shinji did yet not in the same location. A Rei Ayanami who is aware of what has been happening here but has been unable to do anything. A Rei Ayanami who will cease to be when this is over. A Rei Ayanami who deserves a shot at happiness herself.

Rei is not aware of this cruel fate in store for her and she doesn’t have to be. I won’t allow it to happen. I will allow Rei to have the life she deserves.

“The forbidden fusion of Adam and Lilith is about to happen again.”

“Ikari and Sohryu need us.”

With those words we are pulled into the progenitor of life. Everything turns to light around me. I am home. I see the image of Rei Ayanami fade away and dissolve into LCL. I thank you Rei for giving me this chance to give you all the happiness you deserve. May you forgive me and enjoy your life.

\---

“ASUKA!”

I frantically pull at my controls trying to move Unit 01 but it’s no use. We’re both sinking into the Angels body just like I did during the twelfth.

“COME ON! MOVE MOVE MOVE YOU BASTARD! DO SOMETHING!”

I thrash at the controls even more. I look at the video feed and see Asuka muttering something to herself. Finally her eyes open and she looks at me.

_“Eject your plug ever so slightly like you did against the fourth Angel.”_

“Y-You know what I did against the fourth?”

_“Of course I do you idiot, I watched the tapes when I was in Germany! Now do it! We don’t have much time!”_

I don’t ask any more questions as the feed immediately cuts off. Instead I eject the plug to half way and open the hatch. I scramble out of my seat and go to the door just in time to see the Entry Plug for Unit 02 eject itself. The hatch on it opens and I immediately see Asuka standing there. She looks across at me and nods.

“If you don’t catch me, I am going to haunt you for the rest of your life. Do you understand?”

I get barely any chance to reply as she backs away and takes a running jump towards my Entry Plug. I hold out my hands ready to catch her but she manages to land in the plug with minimal problems. I close the hatch and I look at her. I want to hold her, to throw myself at her and kiss her. It’s really her, the real one this time in front of me.

I can’t do any of that though. My feet freeze as I try to take a step forward. My mouth goes dry as I try to speak. I don’t have the right to do that. Not after all I’ve done for the past twenty five days. Instead I back away from her and return to the seat in the cockpit and sit down.

I hear her take a step around to me and she looks around curiously.

“So… this is Unit 01 huh? Is… is she in here too?”

I turn to face her, “Huh?”

“Your mother… she’s in here isn’t she? Right now?”

I lower my eyes, “Yeah… she is.”

There is a pause as Asuka comes around to my side and kneels down near to me. Her hands run over mine as she grips the controls of the Eva with me.

“Asuka… what are we… what’s your plan?”

I look ahead as the Evangelion continues to sink further downwards, in less than a minute it’ll be completely covered. I suddenly realize that there is no plan. Asuka looks as me and confirms as much.

“I… I don’t have a plan Shinji. I just didn’t want to be alone.”

We both release our hands on the controls and I look up at her reaching a gloved hand up to her face and slowly caressing her cheeks. She does the same to me and brings herself in closer towards me.

“Shinji… I’m scared.”

“Me too…”

Finally we’re completely submerged in the Angel. The Entry Plug is in complete darkness for a moment until the emergency lights come on in the Entry Plug. Only a few hours of life support in here. She looks out into the void and then back to me.

“Do you think we’ll get thr-“


	24. A Change Of Seasons

“They-They’re gone…”

We look on as both Units finally sink into the large black pool formed underneath the Angel. I feel a hand rest itself on my shoulder as I drop to my knees. Asuka and Shinji are gone, taken in by the Angel. My mouth goes dry and I feel so very numb.

This can’t be the end, they can’t have been defeated that easily. Not after all that they have done. I don’t know what to do now, I don’t know what we can do but we have to do something. We can’t let them be beaten that easily.

“Misato…”

It’s Rebecca’s voice, there is a shakiness in it that I recognize all too well. It’s the one I used to have when I saw Shinji hurt in battle. When I saw Asuka being assaulted by the Angel in orbit. The one I had when Kaji shown me Lilith under NERV. It’s the voice of someone who is supposed to stay strong for others but can’t anymore because they realize they’re ultimately powerless.

We were all powerless. Fuyutsuki in his quest for redemption, giving us that information and caring for the sick all this time was powerless. Rebecca was powerless in her question to carry on her brother’s legacy and put a stop to SEELE once and for all. I was powerless in my quest to actually show those two that someone gave a shit and could protect them.

I look up at Fuyutsuki, “How much time?”

Fuyutsuki’s face has a grim expression, “Sohryu jumped into Unit 01 before they were both taken under. Under normal circumstances maybe 12-13 hours but with two of them in there less than half of that. Maybe five hours.”

I feel Rebeccas hand take itself off of my shoulder. She wanders back to her radio, I can’t make out what she is saying. She is speaking in German, I can make out a few words here or there. After a few minutes she eventually returns to us.

“They found your package Professor, they are trying to send support to our location but there seems to be something preventing them from getting close. They’ll keep trying to update us as time goes on.”

I allow myself a small smile, “Tell them thank you.”

I know no matter what they send it’ll be of no use. They can send all the N2 mines they want, all the helicopters and fighter jets or soldiers but in the end only an Eva can defeat an Angel and we’re fresh out of them now.

\---

“-through this?”

I finish my sentence just as the light around me subsides. I’m no longer in the entry plug, Shinji is no longer here with me. Instead I’m in a field, not one I recognize. I’m stood on a path and around me are fields of sunflowers. Some of them up to my neck but further back I can see ones that tower over me. I look upwards and the sky is a brilliant blue, no clouds to speak of and there is only a gentle breeze to take the edge off of the heat,

As I look down I see I’m no longer in my plugsuit, I’m wearing my yellow sundress. The same one I wore when I first met Shinji on the carrier. I ended up tearing this one apart during one of my fits of rage before Third Impact. I always liked this dress.

I look around and everything here feels so real but I know it isn’t. I know this is a world of illusion. I know that my real body is still in that Entry Plug. I wonder if Shinji is here too, wondering where I am. Maybe he is experiencing a different place to me. I can’t stay here, I have to get back.

What went wrong? I think back to the first time I ever met Shinji. I had heard of him through Kaji. The amazing Shinji Ikari who had taken down two Angels without any help. He had taken out a third in an epic sniper battle. The saviour of Tokyo-3 and of course the Commanders son. How I hated hearing that. While I was lingering in Germany chasing after a grown man with no interest in me Shinji was fighting and probably being praised for it. This little brat who out of nowhere was suddenly getting the spotlight that should have been mine. I was the one who had been training for years, I was the one who had sacrificed everything.

At that time I had my college degree, I was an able pilot able to synchronise with my Eva to a high level. I had even done some basic combat drills. We of course didn’t know what the Angels were going to be like so it was against versions of the Eva. I was secure, I had no friends or family but I didn’t need that. I was fine, except for the nightmares every night.

Then I had to meet Shinji. Stupid invincible Shinji. Shy to the point of being cute, kind to the point of being annoying and just like me. A person who was looking for purpose in this unfair world and felt everyone was just out to use them. A person who had lost everything.

I had to meet him. I had to fight with him. I had to live with him and I had to suffer with him and because of him. I had to fall in love with him. Only I hated myself for falling for him. I wasn’t supposed to do that. I could never need someone. I only needed myself. I lied to myself constantly and lashed out and pushed him away. I became abusive until the whole thing fell apart. I became so vile I nearly ended the world. He was going to end the world for me. Its romantic when you think about it, Shinji really would do anything for me.

So we came back. There was only the two of us for six weeks. I had lost my purpose in life, my Eva but I had a new purpose. To turn away from that Asuka. To accept that I needed people and to look after and protect Shinji.

I fucked it all up again. He got shot because I ran away. He spent twenty five days in a fantasy world conjured up by an Angel. I couldn’t do anything again. I had tried to change but because of me this is happening. The end of the world is here again, Asuka Langley Sohryu is the catalyst for it yet again.

I start to walk down the path hoping that it can lead me out of this place. As I walk I hear a rustling sound near to me. I quicken up my pace and get the feeling I’m not alone in this place. As I continue walking the feeling that someone is nearby and watching me grows. I start to walk faster breaking into a jog but every few steps I hear the rustling get more intense. Whatever or whoever it is is now matching my pace.

Finally I stop, tired of this game. If I have to fight I’ll fight, this thing is clearly not going to give up and I can’t run forever. I’m getting sick of tricks and illusions.

“Fine, you got me. Show yourself.”

More rustling and I prepare myself for a fight. I’m shocked to hear a giggle and finally a small girl comes running out into the path. She looks like… me. She’s got on a cute little red dress, her hair is done the same way mine is now and she’s smiling. Is this really me?

She giggles again, “That was fun!”

I’m unsettled but I return some form of smile, I kneel down to her level.

“Hey, what are you doing here?”

“Playing!”

“Oh really, are you all alone?”

She shakes her head vigorously in that way that young kids do, “Nop! Mama is here! She said she was waiting for someone. She said if I played here I might get to meet them! Are you them?”

This girl… her mama… waiting for someone. Does she really mean me? I look down the path again and I can see a large tree at the end of the path. My mouth goes dry at the thought of what could be at the end of the path. I’m brought back to reality by the tiny voice speaking and a tugging at my dress.

“Are you k?”

I bend down and smile, “I don’t think so but I am a bit lost. Can you take me to your mama please?”

“I think you’re her! Come on!”

She starts to turn but I call out to her before she can, “Oh… I forgot to ask, I’m Asuka… what’s your name?”

She turns round with a wide smile, “I’m Asuka too! Come on! Mama is waiting!”

\---

I’m in darkness but I’m aware that I’m floating. It’s warm here so it can’t be the Entry Plug. It gets cold in there but where am I? Eventually something comes into view, it’s a street but not one that I recognize. I slowly glide down onto the street and instantly the warmth has gone replaced by a bitter wind that nips at my cheeks. I look around, it’s sometime in the evening and the street is empty lit by a small number of lamps. There are a few shops and houses on either side, some with their lights on.

Snow begins to fall around me, I start to rub my arms to get a bit of warmth in them. The snow is pretty in this light but I’m too cold to stop and admire it. I have to get to somewhere warm, my plugsuit isn’t made to keep the warmth in. As I walk down this street I steal glances in the windows, I can see figures inside moving around.

I come to a crossing and a car moves past me slowly. The driver turns to look at me as they go past and shoots me an odd glance. I avert my gaze and quickly cross when I’m able to. Another gust of wind blows through and I shiver as snow blows all around me.

I used to be fascinated by the idea of snow at one point. In a memory hidden within me I remember my mother promising to show it to me once. I remember seeing it in text books and old footage. This weather that Japan used to get but doesn’t anymore because of our eternal summers. As I keep walking in it I’m slowly losing my fascination. The boots of my Plugsuit don’t cling to the pavement properly so I’m sliding a lot. It’s cold and my nose keeps on running.

I wonder where I am exactly. I don’t recognize this area at all, it’s a small town. Everything is in Japanese but I don’t recognize anything. It’s like when I wandered around Tokyo-3 shortly after arriving there. I have that same sense of fear within me. It’s all so unrecognizable.

As I walk I try to think of something else to distract myself from the cold. I wish I hadn’t because my mind keeps on reverting to the same subject and feelings. It’s going back to Asuka, it’s going back to my feelings of guilt and shame over what happened. For years I had thought I’d be alone and that no one would love me. I felt like I never deserved to be loved. I can’t explain why but it’s always been there, a perpetual voice in the back of my head telling me I didn’t deserve to be loved. That my mother’s death was somehow my fault and that my father abandoning me was my own fault.

I encased myself in those feelings and when someone would try to approach I got scared so I’d keep my distance. I thought the only reason they’d want to be friends with me was because they wanted something and that eventually they’d just grow to see how bad a person I was. It’s funny because to my memory I never did anything bad. I was average in school, I never stole anything and I never talked back to people. I tried to be polite and I guess I was a little bit shy. I just kind of existed though. Yet I always had that voice in the back of my head telling me I was a coward and that I didn’t deserve to be loved.

My arrival in Tokyo-3 that started to change, people tried to get close to me and instead of going when I tried to push them away they rejected that and pushed back. So I finally had some friends in Touji and Kensuke and I had a guardian who loved me in Misato. The voice was always there though and one day I met Asuka.

We fought together and we grew close. Yet our own fears engulfed us and we began to push each other away. She would lash out at me and yell and I’d regress into my shell. We hurt each other through our actions until one day it finally came to a climax.

I used her body in one of the worst ways possible. I know she said she has forgiven me but I don’t deserve to be forgiven. I still to this day feel sick about it. Then I tried to kill her in Third Impact, I tried to kill everyone. She says that it’s what she wanted and what she pushed me to do but I was the one with my finger on the trigger and not her.

When I returned she looked after me, she nursed me back to health and we finally admitted our feelings. A part of me always wondered what if we could do it again. What could we change but we had our phrase that you can’t redo.

It seems so stupid to me now when I look back on it that I ever thought it was possible. When I woke up in that fantasy world I thought I had a second chance. I questioned none of it. Now I’ve paid the price. We couldn’t stop the end of the world again. I’ve lost her again.

I’d cry if it wasn’t so damn cold.

\---

The little girl called Asuka leads me through the field to a small clearing within which a giant tree sits. Underneath the tree I spot a woman with long red hair like mine, she’s reading a book and next to her is a small blanket with a basket place upon it. My mouth goes dry as she turns to look at me. Her eyes are blue, just like mine. They’re welcoming, a mothers eyes. My mother’s eyes.

The little girl lets go of my hand and runs up to her.

“I found the person you were looking for Mama!”

She runs her hands through the girls hair playfully, “So I see, tell you what. Papa is at the lake, why don’t you go and see him for a moment. Me and this girl have something to discuss.”

“Okay Mama!”

The little girl skips off in the opposite direction and I stand there with my mouth agape doing my best impression of a fish out of water. It’s one of the few times I genuinely have nothing to say. I can’t move any of my limbs to walk towards her. This is a trick, I know it’s a trick. It’s just the Angel using the image of my mother against me. Yet… it feels so real. It feels so real and I just want to run forward into her arms. I want to run into her arms and be held and told everything is going to be alright. I don’t want to go back.

Finally the woman turns to look at me, she smiles, “Hello Asuka… it’s been a long time hasn’t it?”

I slowly nod my head and cautiously take a step forward. I’ve dreamed of moments like this before. Seeing her again but they always end the same way, by becoming a nightmare.

“I understand your apprehension.”

“Y-You do?”

“Yes but you have nothing to be afraid of. You cannot be hurt here, you are safe but… we do have things to discuss. Please sit with me Asuka.”

“Is… is it really you Mama?”

I ask the question already knowing the answer. It can’t really be her because my mother is dead, she killed herself after her soul was torn apart during the contact experiment. What I’m seeing now is just some sort of illusion or remnant of that. Just like the remnant that exists in my Eva. I have to know how she answers the question.

“You have no reason to be afraid of her Asuka.”

Startled by the new voice I turn around and I’m greeted by the silver hair of Kaworu Nagisa. He’s smiling and looking straight at me.

“Y-You… what’s going on? What is this place?”

“This is the product of mine and Reis desire to defeat the Angel and save your world.”

“B-But Shinji and I failed… we got pulled into the Angel.”

His expression does not change. Of course it doesn’t. Kaworu knows more than I do. I’m just along for the ride, “Yes I am aware but you did not fail. The fight is ongoing but it is no longer being fought in the Geofront. The Angels true form has revealed itself to us.”

“How?” I ask him.

“The forbidden fusion of Adam and Lilith.” My mother speaks.

I spin around again at the sound of my mother’s voice. She knows about Lilith? Of course she does, she worked for Gehirn and helped develop the Eva’s she’ll probably know as much as Shinji’s mother did.

“You’ve used Lilith’s power to freeze the Geofront in place haven’t you? Trapping the Angel and those within and preventing it from affecting the outside world. Yet there is more to this Angel then you anticipated. Of course that is to be expected from a man-made Angel. That’s why this place exists, am I right?”

I turn back around to Kaworu who simply nods, “That is correct. Our hope was to freeze the Angel in place within the Geofront. In truth we were unaware of its true nature, Angels are unique in their design and this one more so because of the influence of the Lilin. It has been revealed to us that the Angel within the Geofront is only one component of this Angel. As for this place, it was not my will that conjured this place. This place is a sanctuary conjured not by our will but yours Asuka.”

I look back in shock, “I-I did this?”

“Yes, it is a safe space but you cannot remain here forever. The Angel will eventually breach it.”

I don’t understand any of this. I may as well put that phrase on a T-Shirt for all the times I’ve used it lately. I’m responsible for this place but the Angel can still breach it. We still have a chance to beat the Angel but no one is telling me how.

“I-I don’t know what to do…”

“Sit with me Asuka.”

I feel my body seem to move of its own volition towards her and I sit myself down on the blanket in front of the woman. I sense Kaworu walking away from us. As I get closer to the woman my heart begins to beat faster and faster. I’m expecting everything to still change in a second. To see her vanish, the sky to change to black and the tree to be burnt down. As I sit down none of that happens. Instead she pours me a cup of tea and hands it to me.

“You’ve grown a lot Asuka.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know where this is?”

I shake my head at her, “No.”

“This is a place in Germany, near where we used to live. A couple of miles out of the city. Away from Gehirn, away from SEELE and away from the Eva’s. We used to come here for weekends, just me you and your father. It was so nice and peaceful. You used to play in the fields of sunflowers while your father would relax fishing on the lakeside. You don’t remember it at all thought do you?”

My gaze lowered out of embarrassment, “No… I don’t. Sorry.”

She laughs, “You sound like Shinji.”

“Huh? You know Shinji?”

“Of course I know Shinji. I knew him before you did. Yui Ikari’s son and of course you’ve told me about him.”

“I-I did?”

“Yes, stupid Shinji. Invincible Shinji and a few other things a mother shouldn’t hear from her daughter.”

“O-Oh… I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. You didn’t know it was me in there until recently. You weren’t ever supposed to know I was in there. All of what happened was never supposed to happen. We… me and Yui were supposed to save the world. Not condemn it but… that man… he ruined everything…”

“That man?”

I wonder who she means but then I realize who it must be. The one man who went against SEELE all for his own desire. Shinji’s father.

“You mean Shinji’s father right?”

“Yes, me and Yui… we made a mistake. We both agreed to not tell our husbands what was going to happen to us. We thought…”

She pauses for a moment and bites her bottom lip nervously, “We made a mistake Asuka and had to watch while our children suffered.”

I reach out a hand and place it on her shoulder, “Its fine… we… we did fix things and we will.”

Her hand reaches up towards mine and takes it off of her shoulder. She holds it gently and I feel warmth spread throughout my body. I almost feel like I could burst into tears, my mother is holding my hand.

“I know Asuka, that’s why I’m here now.”

\---

My feet are starting to grow cold from walking in this snow. I don’t know how long I’ve been walking for but I need somewhere to go and soon otherwise I’m going to freeze. My stomach growls at me and I sneeze. I really need to find somewhere. I keep moving forward down another street. All of these streets are unrecognizable to me, I don’t know where I am or what I’m doing here. I can’t ask anyone for help, the few people I have passed looked at me like I’m some sort of alien.

I come up to a sheltered shopfront and decide to pause for a moment in the entrance way just to get me out of the wind. Why am I here? Is it to just wander endlessly until I eventually freeze to death?

I look ahead of me and see nothing but more streets. I see headlights from cars and shadows moving back and forth. I don’t see anywhere to go. I’m alone in this place.

“Asuka… where are you?”

“Excuse me?”

I jump at the voice and turn around. I’m startled as I find myself looking straight into the eyes of Rei. She’s wearing a full coat, gloves and scarf but the red eyes, the blue hair is all there. I look down and see her holding another neatly folded jacket in her arms.

“R-Rei? Is… that really you?”

“Put this on and follow me.”

“Rei what’s going on?”

In her typical fashion she says nothing and immediately begins to walk away. I hurriedly put on the jacket she handed me and go to catch her up. There is so much I want to say to her, and ask her. She was the one who told me about the Angel, told me about the false world I was in. So she must know what is happening right now. Yet I can’t bring myself to say anything. It’s just like the time I took her ID card to her.

So instead we continue to walk in silence to the unknown destination. We cross over a road and eventually after a short walk enter an empty street. She walks up to a house someway into the street and takes us around into the back garden. From there she opens the door into a brightly lit kitchen.

I don’t know where we are but I’m at least thankful for the sudden burst of warmth I feel as I enter. I remove the jacket and timidly enter the kitchen and look around. It’s quite spacious, a table is set out in the middle.

“You should change. Upstairs in the first room on the left is a change of clothes.”

“Wait… w-where am I? T-This isn’t… what happened to me Rei?”

“I will explain when you return.”

I sneeze and she continues, “You should get out of your Plugsuit”

I nod and leave the kitchen to find the change of clothes she mentioned. I walk along the hallway and the first thing I notice is the house is fairly empty. It has what is necessary to live but there is nothing in the way of decorations. No photos, no ornaments, no nothing. I walk upstairs and enter the room and remove my Plugsuit.

As I remove the suit I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. My cheeks and nose are red from being out in the cold. My hair is messy and on my forward is a closed wound which is the one I got from the battle against the Eva series. I also look skinnier than I did some time ago. I guess when I returned from that other place I was put back into my body that had been in a coma.

Across it are bruises and little scars from my various fights in the past. I shake my head and put on the clothes that have been put out for me. A white shirt, black trousers and clean underwear. Finally I head back down into the kitchen just in time to see Rei pouring something into the bowl.

I smile when I see its soup, similar to the one I made for Rei in that other world. Without needing to be told I sit down in front of the bowl and gently rest my hands around it to warm them up. I’m not especially hungry. In fact all of my thoughts are pre-occupied by Asuka and where she is right now but I’m thankful for this.

“Thank you Rei.”

She sits near to me and watches as I dip my spoon into the soup and bring it to my lips. It’s still hot so I blow on it gently before taking some of it into my mouth. As I lower the spoon I see she is still looking at me. There is something in her eyes I don’t recognize, its eagerness. She’s waiting for my reaction.

“I-It’s really good. Thank you.”

“I am glad.”

I keep on taking in the soup and feel the warmth return to my body. We sit in a comfortable silence, she is no longer watching me seemingly satisfied that I liked what she prepared for me. I don’t understand how she knew where I would be though. I don’t understand where I am.

“Rei…”

“You are safe.”

I nearly stand up in shock, “Safe? But where exactly am I?”

She nods, “Away from the Geofront, from Tokyo-3. I believe this is a town was used by NERV before the Third Impact.”

“Wh-What? I don’t understand! How? I…”

“What do you remember last?”

I look around the room, it explains why I didn’t recognize where I was and why everything seemed so unnatural to me here.

“I-I was in the Entry Plug with Asuka, we had been pulled into the Angel. There was a bright light and I found myself here.”

“I see.”

I look around the room, “W-What are you doing here? Why… I thought, you and Kaworu were…”

She offers no reply but instead stands up and switches on a small television in the corner. On the screen I see a scene I recognise straight away, it’s an aerial shot of the Geofront but there is a giant dome of light covering it.

“An emergency situation is currently developing in the former city of Tokyo-3. We have been told that the U.N. is monitoring the situation closely and that any rumours of an Impact level event are to be treated as a rumour for the time being.”

“No further information has been made available thus far by the Japanese Government or the UN relating to the dome of light covering the area but officials have warned members of the public within a thirty mile radius to evacuate. We will bring you more as we get it.”

I look towards the TV as the image of the dome of light fades to a man talking about some the weather. It’s real… this is the real world but I don’t know where I am. I know from watching the news we’re still in Japan. I’m not at the Geofront. I was brought here for some reason.

“Misato… she’s there isn’t she?”

“I do not know, all I know is what they have shared with me and what is on this screen.”

I bow my head and stare into the bowl. I’m more than useless here, it isn’t like before where I had a choice. I’m half a world away and I can do nothing but observe. I look at Rei and I wonder how long she has been here and how she got here. Does she have any connection to this place, did my father?

“Rei, why are you… what is this place?”

“This is the home of my guardian here. I was found on a beach nearby. I had… forgotten most of who I was. I was found and taken in.

“Y-Your guardian?”

All of this information is passing through me so quickly that it’s hard to make sense of it. I’m fighting a war on all fronts in my mind. I have to know more about Rei but I also keep on wandering back to Asuka and what is happening to her. I decide that Rei’s story can wait.

“Rei… where is Asuka?”

Rei’s head drops, “She is… she is fighting the Angel.”

\---

As I sit here eating a sandwich from this basket and sipping at tea I can’t help but feel like a traitor. What am I doing here while the world is going to hell, why am I just allowing myself to linger here? I look across to my mother and she says nothing for a moment. Then, almost as if she can read my thoughts she speaks.

“You will have to leave this place soon I am afraid. Eventually it will collapse and the fight will resume.”

Bowing my head I nod, “Yeah… nothing good lasts long for me.”

“Don’t be an idiot Asuka.”

I look up at the sudden change in her tone, she’s glaring at me. Her eyes, her tone and what she said. I can’t help but burst out laughing.

“What’s so funny?”

Through laughter I look up to her, “Just… what you said… it’s… I’m really your daughter aren’t I?”

She looks like she’s about to snap back at me for a moment before smiling.

“Yes… yes you are, but you’re also a small part your fathers daughter too. I suppose that’s the idiot part of you.”

“Hah, if you think I’m bad you should meet Shinji.”

“I would have really liked to, he must be quite something…”

I nod, “Yeah, he’s an idiot and annoying but he’s… a lot of good things as well.”

I feel her hand reach for mine and hold it gently.

“Asuka… I knew what I was doing when I got into the Eva that day. I knew what I would miss out on but if I had known what was going to happen I… I wouldn’t have done it. I would have tried to find some other way.”

I look up at her, her eyes have tears in them but she’s not allowing herself to cry. I guess I do take after her in ways. I take my other hand and put it over hers. “It’s okay. You had to do it didn’t you? If you hadn’t Shinji would have had to fight alone and we probably wouldn’t have beaten all of the Angels.”

She laughs but then the tone turns serious. She knows my mind keeps on wandering back to that other place, to the world outside of this where the Angel threatens what we have. It’s as she said I will have to leave this place soon. It’s inevitable.

“I don’t know what to do next Mama, I always just used to know how to fight but that was physical and that was conventional. I used to be able to fight like that… what the Angels can do… its worse than any pain I’ve ever felt.”

“I know it is, I was there alongside you for every step of it. I was there to feel your pain. Everything you felt I felt.”

“Y-You really were watching over me weren’t you?”

“I tried so hard to protect you Asuka. I just… I couldn’t. Even the Evangelion’s have limits and without an S2 Engine and against the Lance we found ours.”

I shudder at the memory of that day for a number of reasons. I never realized she would have felt all of that pain as well. If I had known that was her in there I would have done things so differently. I treated the Eva like some childs plaything not realizing the full power it had. I was even told as much by Rei and Shinji but I didn’t listen.

We laugh for a moment but then she turns serious again, “Do you really believe that Asuka? About nothing good lasting for you?”

I don’t know how to answer that. A part of me does genuinely believe it and why shouldn’t I? Whatever happiness I’ve found in my life has only ever been temporary. The only happiness I ever found had soul crushing pain at the end of it. So maybe I do believe that.

If I did though would I really still be here and trying to reach for happiness? I had the chance to get rid of it all once but I didn’t take it, I wanted to fight and seize my chance to happiness. To no longer run away from who I was or hate myself.

I finally shake my head, “No… I don’t but… I don’t think me finding happiness will be that easy either.”

“That’s correct, it won’t be. For you or for Shinji, you will both have to fight for it just as you have been doing but you can find it. There will be moments where it’ll feel like it’s impossible. There will be days where you feel like you’re constantly under a dark cloud but if you both support one another you’ll both get through it.”

“I know… but...”

I bite my bottom lip before admitting it, “I’m scared Mama. Of who I was and who I might be. You know what I did during Third Impact and what I’m capable of. I nearly ended the world. I… what if I hurt him? What if I hurt myself?”

“There is no answer to that Asuka. I can tell you to stop blaming yourself for what happened just as you once told him and just as others will tell both of you but there is no honest answer.”

I let out a sigh and look back across the path I came from. In the distance I can see ominous looking storm clouds developing. I turn and look back at my mother. I have a feeling our time left is running short.

“Mama I…”

“Listen to me Asuka. This isn’t going to be easy, it will hurt and you will feel pain but you have to stay strong. You have to be that Evangelion pilot just one more time for me. I’ll be watching over you. I love you.”

I want to say it back but the words get stuck in my throat so instead I rush forward and wrap my arms around her and bury my head into her shoulder. I feel her embrace around me and I ignore the distant rumble of thunder as she holds me to her. Eventually I’m able to whisper.

“I love you too.”

Slowly she lets go of me and she gets to her feet. There is a presence behind me and I turn to see Kaworu watching us with a curious expression on his face.

“You’re crying.”

I wipe the tear from my cheek and snap back at him, “Shut it Angel boy. It’s time we killed this thing.”

His constant smile finally changes to a grin, “So you’re ready?”

I nod, “Are you stupid? Of course I am.”

Light engulfs me and I turn around one last time to see her standing there watching me. She raises her hand to wave me good bye. I raise my own hand and smile but the smile soon fades as I see the thunder close in. Suddenly there is a great crash and flash of lighting. I watch as an object comes hurtling through the fields and stops just in front of my mother.

I yell for her to get out of the way but it’s too late. I try to dash forward but I feel a strong pair of arms hold me back. I thrash wildly watching the lance piece through my mother’s back just as the light completely engulfs me and I’m thrown back into darkness.

\---

Rei has just come off the phone to someone. I assume it was the man she called her guardian earlier. The telephone was in the other room and I thought it better than to intrude on what might have been a private conversation. I still have so many questions as to what to do next. What is happening to Asuka? How do I get back to her? What am I supposed to do now?

“My guardian has informed me he won’t be able to make it home tonight. The blizzard has completely snowed them in at the place he is at.”

“I… I see, where is he?”

“He is visiting his brother. His brother is a member of NERVs security team.”

“Oh… wait, he’s associated with NERV?”

Rei nods, “Yes. That is the reason I am staying with this man. It was his brother who discovered me when I emerged here and he recognized who I was. He took me in and brought me here claiming it would be safe for me.”

“I see. So… he’ll know who I am and… he might know about Misato and what’s happening.”

“It is possible but I have been told by him that I am not to mention anything to do with NERV for the time being.”

“Why?”

“I did not question him.”

Of course she didn’t. Rei wouldn’t question something like that, me and Asuka might have done. Asuka definitely would have done. I might have asked one question and left it at that. I sigh and look out of the window. The snow has gotten worse outside, I look across at Rei who seems to be quite taken by the snow as well.

“This snow isn’t natural is it?”

“I do not know.”

“It was snowing in the Geofront when we started to fight the Angel.”

“I know.”

“Of course you do… so there are… two of you in the world right now? Does that mean Kaworu is out there somewhere too?”

“I do not know, I no longer share the same bonds I had with people that I used to. I was aware of the other Ayanami’s presence but that has now ceased to be when the light engulfed the Geofront. If there is another Kaworu Nagisa out there I am not aware of him.”

I take in her words and I wonder, not for the first time just who or what Rei Ayanami is. Who is this Rei Ayanami sitting in front of me? Who was the Rei Ayanami who spoke to me before I fought the Angel? Who was the Rei Ayanami who merged itself with Lilith? I know she was technically a clone of my mother and that the one I met when I arrived in Tokyo-3 was the second one. I know that she died and was replaced by another clone. She is beyond my understanding.

I smirk at that thought, if Asuka was here she’d probably make a comment that a lot of things are beyond my understanding. She’d probably tell me does it matter what Rei is or who cares. I suppose I shouldn’t care what Rei is. Whether she is still a part of Lilith or her own person I’ll just settle for her being my friend and one of the closest things I have to family.

“Do… Do you think Asuka will beat the Angel?”

“Yes.”

\---

The light finally subsides and I’m down on my knees in what looks like a hospital corridor. I retch and throw up what little there is in my stomach. My stomach twists in pain and tears burn in my eyes as I scramble away from the mess I’ve made on the floor someway down this corridor. I knew I wouldn’t see her again after this. I had even prepared myself for it but… but not like that. Why did she have to be taken away from me like that?

The image of the lance piercing through her flashes through my head again as I tilt my head back. One second she was there standing and smiling at me. The next I heard the thunder, I saw the lighting. Her expression didn’t change until the last second. She didn’t even see it. I saw it though and I could do nothing to stop it. All I could do was watch while being held back as it pierced through her chest, her face contorting in pain and blood spilling out onto the blanket.

I knew I wasn’t going to see her again but I thought I had control of it. I thought it was going to be a bittersweet goodbye, not one that’d leave me feeling like this. I’ve seen her die three times now. The first was when I was four, the second was in the Eva and the third was just now. I hate this. I hate that I could do nothing about it. I hate the Eva’s and I hate the fucking Angels. I hate everything. I just want it all to go away so I don’t have to end up feeling like this anymore.

I just want to be alone.


	25. Grand Finale - Infinite Embrace

_“Major Katsuragi, you have to understand that your position within NERV as of the end of last year was effectively stripped away from you by the Japanese Government. In actual fact NERV Japan was at that moment declared a criminal organization.”_

The voice is just like any UN suck-up, full of smugness. The sort of person you’d want to punch within five minutes of meeting them. Yet the sort of person who always seems to be present and protected by someone who thinks they have value.

“I am aware of that but they have the truth in front of them now. They can’t just do this to us, the pi- Asuka and Shinji are in there. I have to be there! I can face whatever questions they have later.”

_“They do not desire to question you Katsuragi. You don’t understand that area has been declared a no-go zone ever since the aborted Third Impact attempt. The situation around the world has changed significantly and is very delicate at this time. The emergence of these details regarding SEELE and also the presence of a new Angel has made people very nervous. Even more so that the person in charge of NERV Japan’s tactical operations has emerged from nowhere.”_

I try to protest again but get nowhere, “I know tha-“

_“You forget that you have not been sighted for a number of months and barely a few weeks after your return this occurs. People are nervous enough as it is. It will only be temporary until this situation is resolved. As you said yourself there is little you are able to do. We will do our best to keep you informed of the situation and we swear no harm will come to the children.”_

“That’s a different tone to the one your people took when they were ordered to kill them!”

_“That was regrettable on our part and the people involved in that have been dealt with, now please cooperate with us. A transport will pick you up soon to transport you away from the Geofront. It will only be temporary.”_

“It’s not just away from the Geofront! You’re taking me all the way to Germany! It’s-“

“It’s only temporary.”

The man on the other end of the phone repeats himself. Only temporary. It’s only temporary. My urge to throw the phone across the other side of the room and stomp on it is growing but I have to remain calm. I’m supposed to be Major Katsuragi of NERV at this point. Not that it means much. As I’ve just been told NERV Japan had all its privileges stripped from it before Third Impact.

It’s all politics. A group of men sitting in a room somewhere safe and sound from all this debating what to do next, trying to figure out how they can come off the best. It’s a good political move. Remove the fragments of NERV from the equation so it seems like they’re being active in doing something. Even with the truth out there people will still have doubts over the loyalties of those who worked for NERV.

At this moment it’s the only real move the politicians can make. They know nothing can penetrate that dome covering the Geofront so it’d just be a waste of resources to attack it. To be seen to extradite people they can say they’re safe-guarding the location or they can call it a humanitarian evacuation.

I’ve already been filled in on the delicate situations that have developed around the world since Third Impact was aborted. The other NERV branches have not been shut down but they’re under strict scrutiny from the UN. That will likely be doubled now that Fuyutsuki released his dossier on SEELE and the truth of Second Impact. I’ve been told about the minor skirmishes and scuffles that broke out in a number of countries.

They is also the debates that are going regarding what to do with NERV going forward and the Evangelion Project. A number of NERV branches were still pushing forward at the time of the aborted Third Impact creating parts for the Eva’s. This was halted but there is the question on what to do with those parts and the knowledge to create Eva’s. Many countries will want those resources and secrets.

I care little for any of this. All I care about are Asuka and Shinji. We have no way of knowing what is going on in that dome right now. We don’t even know if they’re still alive. I know they will be, I have faith they are but with each passing minute that dwindles. I wonder if this truly is the end.

XXX

Everything happened so quickly, one moment I was sat at the table with Rei the next the next there was a knock at the door and several men from NERV were leading me and Rei out to a vehicle. They spoke English to one another so I couldn’t understand them. I spoke to Rei about what is happening but she didn’t seem to know either.

After a short drive we were loaded onto a plane. I wonder as I’m sat here should I have tried to fight back or run away but what could I have done exactly? Rei seemed calm throughout the entire thing.

“Rei… what’s happening?”

“They seem to be taking us to Germany.”

“Who are these people?”

“NERV but I was unable to hear what they were saying.”

I feel like I should have ran away from them or fought back. I don’t know if this is a safe place to be. No one has threatened us so far but no one has told us what is happening either. Everything that has happened to me since I was pulled into the Angel has been so strange. Waking up so far away from the Geofront. Seeing Rei again and now this.

On top of this I’m still waiting to hear anything I can about Asuka. I feel so alone. I look towards the front of the plane and see a man enter wearing a white lab coat. He speaks to the two guards at the front and finally makes his way towards us. Upon seeing me he raises his eyebrows in surprise.

“I must admit that when I saw the footage I didn’t quite believe it but now that I can see you before me I have no option but to believe it. You must be Shinji Ikari.”

I nod, “Yes.”

“I can only apologize for what is happening I imagine you’re very tired and confused right now. Truth is all the NERV branches across the world are also sharing your plight. What is happening in Tokyo-3 right now has ignited something big in the world. I will however try to bring you up to speed as best I can on what is happening.”

I say nothing and let him continue.

“As of now we are transporting you to NERV Germany, once there you will be re-united with Major Katsuragi who is being transported there from Japan. I don’t know when she’ll arrive yet but it’s a UN order that she was brought away from the Geofront.”

“Misato is going to be there?”

He nods, “Yes, as will former Vice Commander Fuyutsuki. They are unaware of you being where you are however, very few people within NERV are aware of this. Again the truth is that we’re as confused as you are as to what has happened.”

He pauses for a moment, “What is the last thing you remember before you woke up on that street?”

I look towards Rei and she simply nods at me. I don’t know if I can trust this man but what choice do I really have.

“I was… fighting the Angel. We were pulled into what we thought was its body. Everything went black and I woke up here.”

Before allowing him to continue, “A-Asuka was there as well! Do you know anything about her? What’s happened to her?”

“Stay calm, we don’t know yet. Pilot Sohryu hasn’t been seen but we’re doing whatever we can to find out what has happened to her.”

“You have to find her! Please!”

Without being aware of it I’ve stood up and I’m raising my voice. The man looks a little bit taken aback by my outburst.

“We will Shinji. I promise we’re doing everything we can.”

XXX

_‘Is that what you really want?’_

I hear the voice call out to me as I sit with my back to the wall. My legs pulled up to my chest and my head tilted back against the wall. I ignore the voice and after a minute it calls out to be again.

_‘Is that what you really want?’_

I let out a small laugh as its question. At it asking me if I really want to be alone, if I really do hate everything. If I really do hate the pain I’m feeling right now and just want it all to go away. Even with all the pain I know what it is. I know it’s just the Angel feeding off of my despair. It won’t work.

“Fuck you.”

I snarl at the voice and I feel the warm presence in the room change. The temperature drops and I can feel a cold wind blow through the corridor. I don’t move from where I am. I should move but I can’t. I should fight but I can’t. All I can do it dwell on my hatred for this being and for myself for my failure.

_‘I can give you what you want.’_

“Fuck off.”

I snarl again a little bit louder this time and in reply another cold wind blows through the corridor. I’m sick of these games. Yet I don’t know how to fight this thing now. In the Eva I can tear Angel’s apart but this is the Angel’s domain. The world it has made and I… I can’t even move. I’m putting on this brave act.

_‘Don’t you want happiness?’_

I don’t reply to it this time. The worst thing about this is that despite what I know about it being a trick and knowing it’s just feeding on my despair a small part of me is so tempted to just end this by giving into what it wants. By saying yes I do and allowing the world to go through Instrumentality. All become one being with no happiness, no sadness, no joy and no life.

This part is telling me that maybe that is humanities destiny and maybe it is for the best. All that ever happened to me was I’d reach for something I’d find it and it’d be snatched away from me. It’s the part that keeps on throwing the image of my mother being impaled by the lance through my mind.

_‘I can give her back to you, I can give him back to you, I can give you Eva back and your purpose again. You don’t have to suffer anymore Asuka, you can be exactly what you should be.’_

Exactly what I should be? Just what exactly should I be? Slowly I climb to my feet, pain shoots through each part of my body but I just smile. I’m in so much pain right now. Physically I think I’ve felt worse but emotionally I’m at my limit. Yet I’m not going to be tempted by it, I made a promise to protect Shinji and I’m going to keep my word.

“You… you and your creators just don’t understand. I don’t want your false world. I don’t want your false happiness. I don’t want your false world. I don’t want any of it. You can die.”

Almost immediately after the words leave my lips pain shoots through my skull. I guess that is the Angel’s response to my telling it to die. The voice rings out again only now it isn’t the warm inviting voice it was before. It’s a snarl, malicious and it’s mine.

_‘Idiot you have no place in that world. You’re pathetic, useless. You’ve already been abandoned. There is no one there waiting for you.’_

“Shut up!”

I scream down the corridor. It’s trying to play on my insecurities, my fear of being alone but I know it isn’t true. Misato is there waiting for me. Shinji will be there. Even the people at the Geofront will be there waiting for me. I’m not alone anymore.

_‘Are you really that stupid? Thinking they’ll be waiting for you. Take a look Asuka, they’ve already abandoned you. They don’t believe in you, they never did. Shinji left the first opportunity he got, he realized he couldn’t fix things with you and he left.’_

“Liar! Shinji wouldn’t! He wouldn’t abandon me!”

_‘Idiot, he abandoned you to die once didn’t he? He rejected the real you when I gave him a glimpse into what could have been and even now… he isn’t fighting me. He’s half a world away, safe.’_

“No… He isn’t, you’re….”

There is a flash of light in front of me as suddenly a screen appears illuminated with an image. It’s a plane. I’m looking at it through the eyes of someone else as they walk through the aisle. Eventually they stop at a set of seats. I look at the two seats and there I see him sat there, his head resting on the shoulder of someone else.

The camera pans to show me the other person and I feel sick when I see who it is. It’s Rei, he’s sitting on a plane with Rei. He’s asleep and resting his head on her shoulder. This can’t be real, this has to be a trick but…

_‘It’s real, this is happening right now. Your precious Shinji didn’t take long when he knew you had no chance. He saw her again and ran straight for her. It’s exactly what you always feared isn’t it?’_

“No this… This isn’t…”

_‘Real? Happening?’_

The camera pans again this time to another aircraft and this time I see Misato sat inside talking about something. I see Misato holding a folder and the person with the camera turns to show me it’s a picture of Shinji.

_‘You see Asuka… as soon as she heard where he was she ran to meet him. They all gave up on you because they knew there was no chance you could do it on your own.’_

Its words linger in my head, the images I’ve just seen go through them. I can’t deny what I’ve seen but it can’t be real can it. It has to be false. It’s a trick, just a trick.

The image changes again this time showing the Geofront itself. I see a dome of light surrounding it. I see soldiers and I see a car parked up. The car belonging to Misato, a group of people are stood near to it and looking towards the Geofront. I can hear little bits of their conversation. They’re talking about how the pilot of Unit 01 has been found. They’re talking about how the Major is being transported to meet him now.

_‘As soon as she knew, she was gone Asuka. As soon as he was able to he was gone Asuka. Face it, you’re alone. You always have been and always will be. You have no place in that world, you have no purpose.’_

“No…”

_‘Everything you ever had was taken from you. Every purpose you had was stripped from you. Everyone you ever loved abandoned you. You have no place there. I can give you what you want.’_

“No… I… It isn’t”

The image turns again to show me Shinji, it focuses on his hand this time. His fingers entwined with Rei’s. I feel sick. I turn away from it and start to run.

XXX

Slowly I stir and as I do I look up and see the man from before looking over us. On seeing me stir he smiles at me and walks away. I don’t know how long I was asleep for, as I stir I see I’m holding Rei’s hand. Her hand is surprisingly warm.

“Rei?”

“We need to be careful.”

“Huh?”

“The man, I do not trust him. We should proceed carefully.”

I don’t quite understand but I go along with what she says, “How… how long was I asleep for?”

“Two hours hour, there is still more of the flight remaining.”

I look down at our hand again just as she does. I grow red immediately and pull my hand away.

“Sorry… I… I didn’t realize.”

“I do not mind.”

A few moments pass by in silence before she speaks again.

“Since I returned I have been thinking about certain things.”

“Oh?”

“I am… not aware exactly of who I am or what I am in relation to other people. I am aware that I am a clone of your mother but outside of that my relationship with others has always been difficult to define. My relationship with your father seemed to be logically that of father and daughter. I believe you told me that once.”

I nod, “I… in that other world. You remember that?”

“I experienced portions of it. If the Commander is my father then that makes you my brother. Would that be correct?”

I nod, “I suppose we share the same blood so yes that is correct.”

“So I am your sister.”

“Yes, I suppose you are.”

“Then would that make Sohryu my sister-in-law?”

I have to stop myself from choking on the water I’m sipping at the time.

“N-No, she… me and Asuka aren’t married. So she would just be… well a friend for now.”

“But Sohryu dislikes me, so she would not be my friend would she?”

There is a touch of sadness in her voice. She really does think Asuka dislikes her. I suppose I can understand why, Asuka did have a complicated relationship with Rei.

“S-She does not dislike you she just… it’s complicated. Asuka had a lot of things she had to work out and she took a lot of things out on… well everything I suppose. She doesn’t dislike or hate you thought. You shouldn’t think that Rei.”

“I see, so she would be a friend until you both get married.”

I nod, “Well… I suppose so.”

XXX

I stare down at the surveillance footage of Shinji and I can hardly believe it. They found him but far away from the Geofront. How can that be possible? I’ve asked but no one has been able to provide me with an answer yet. Apparently they have some theories but no one is saying anything to me. I’m completely in the dark aside from knowing that Shinji is somehow back and Rei is there as well.

I still feel like complete crap for having to leave the Geofront behind. Until I know the Angel is defeated, until I know Asuka’s condition I shouldn’t have left. I know Shinji needs me too but Asuka does as well. I made a promise that I’d be there for her. I neglected her so much before Third Impact and now it just looks like I’m breaking that again. Yet I’ve not been given a choice.

I look around the small aircraft I’m on. It’ll be some time before I reach Germany where I’ll be reunited with Shinji. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him yet. I need to make sure he is alright, I have no idea what he has been through or what has happened. All I have for company is this footage and the hired goons parading as Section 2. They’re like any other Section 2 Agent I’ve dealt with, not talkative and trained in staring straight ahead. Every now and then the leader of their group will come across and talk to me.

If I’m being honest it makes me uncomfortable, he leans in too close. Close enough that I can smell his cheap aftershave. He has a certain smarm about him reserved for people who think they have more power than they really do. He must be loving the idea of being able to command me about. Section 2 always answered to us in NERV in a number of ways, now the tables have turned.

I lean back and sigh, I’ve never felt so powerless.

XXX

Eventually I come to stop in this maze of corridors, I lean against a wall and slide down trying to catch my breath. I’ve been running for god knows how long, trying to shake the voice following me, trying to get away from it and its images. Those images of Shinji and Rei, the image of Misato, the image of the soldiers at the Geofront.

I’ve been abandoned, that’s what it shown me and that’s what it said. I’m alone again. I’m always going to be alone. When I look back on it all its true, it’s all I was destined for and I deserve it. The way I’ve been, why would anyone love me for a prolonged time. I don’t blame Shinji for running from me. I don’t blame Misato for giving up on me. I blame myself. If I was better, if I was stronger and if I wasn’t so fucked up maybe it wouldn’t have happened. I deserve all of it.

I slide down against the wall and I feel the tears welling up, I just don’t care anymore. I don’t need to be strong anymore. I can just stay here and be alone. I can get away from all of them, they won’t need to deal with me anymore. Besides what can I ever do for them? Everything I’ve tried to do I’ve just failed at. I couldn’t pilot Eva, I couldn’t protect Shinji, I couldn’t protect my Mother, I couldn’t do anything.

I let my arms fall down by my sides as the tears start falling. I bring my legs up to my chest again and wrap my arms around them and I start to sob. I sit there sobbing for a time, going back over every bad decision and moment in my life. Everything I could have done differently flashes by my eyes. There is no point, we can’t redo it and even if I could I’d probably just fuck it up.

“Sohryu.”

I hear the voice from above me. I recognize it but it’s just another trick isn’t it? Just another conjuration of the Angel to try to drive me into despair.

“Asuka.”

It speaks my name again only its closer this time. I feel hands rest themselves on my shoulders. A warmth spreads through me at its touch. I raise my head and through blurred eyes I see Kaworu Nagisa looking at me, he’s not smiling for once. He’s concerned, it isn’t a look I’d associate with him.

Another sob escapes me and I drop my head again.

“I… I failed… I’m sorry.”

“Failed? I am afraid I do not understand.”

“Yes you do! I… I couldn’t stop it. I can’t stop it. I don’t… I can’t do anything anymore. I… I…”

I can’t say anything else. He looks at me for a moment and I expect him to do what everyone else has done. Abandon me. Yet he doesn’t, he reaches his hand around to my head and he holds me. I freeze up as he does. My sobbing stops instantly, I don’t know how to react or what to say.

“W-What are you doing?”

I try to sound angry or annoyed but I just can’t. Instead what comes out of my mouth sounds weak and pathetic and it just causes him to hold me tighter. Finally he speaks, softly.

“You have not failed yet Asuka, otherwise you would not be here. Those people have not abandoned you, they wait for you yet the truth has been skewed. You are not unloved Asuka.”

I look back at him, “Yes… I am. Who can blame them! Look at who I am! All I’ve done is been abusive towards people, lashed out at them and spoke about how good I was to try to back it up. All that happened is I’ve failed over and over again. They’ve abandoned me and rightfully so!”

“You don’t believe that.”

“Yes I do! I do believe it, I deserve to be alone. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t…”

I slump back down against the wall as he looks down at me. I’m sorry Kaworu but I’m not Shinji. I can’t do what he can do. They got the right person when they picked me, I’m too weak to do this. I can’t beat anyone.”

“I should have just died…”

“Asuka, you don’t really believe that do you?”

I hear the words but it isn’t Kaworu who says them. It’s another voice, one I haven’t heard for so long. One I shouldn’t be hearing again. I look up, this has to be a trick it can’t be real.

“K-Kaji?”

He’s looking down at me, standing with one hand in his pocket the way he always does. His long hair and stubble prominent. He’s just as handsome as I remember him to be. I know I could never have been with Kaji, even when I did have that crush on him I knew it. Yet seeing him in front of me I can still feel it. He really is handsome.

“I apologize that I never had the opportunity to say goodbye to you properly Asuka. In truth I didn’t know how, I was scared of hurting you. I was scared that it was real.”

“Kaji... I… I wasn’t in a fit state for you to tell me. Besides you didn’t get the chance, you…”

“Be that as it may, it was wrong of me to have acted the way I did. I was irresponsible. I left behind so much in my pursuit of the truth when I should have trusted more in the people around me. Instead I paid for trying to protect you all.”

“Kaji…”

“Listen to me Asuka, we all have our own weights to carry. Some of us are carrying it from the Second Impact, some of us from the decisions we made since that time. I’m no exception to that. I was cowardly in how I acted. I kept myself at a distance from you, from Shinji, from Misato even though I could see the pain you were all going through.”

“W-What are you saying?”

“I’m saying that there is so much more I could have done for you Asuka. I knew the pain you were probably going through. I lost my parents in the Second Impact, I knew exactly what sort of pain you were feeling. I saw things growing up, yet I didn’t make any effort to help you. I… I failed you.”

“No! No you didn’t Kaji. You… you looked after me when no one else would. You actually treated me like an adult, just as I wanted you to. You…”

He smiles back at me, “Listen to me Asuka. I am sorry for not being there when I should. I’m sorry for leaving you the way I did. I want you to know though, none of it was your fault and none of what has happened was your fault either. Asuka, it was an honour to be your guardian and see you flourish into the pilot that you were. You were always stronger then you thought. I’m really proud of you. “

“Kaji…”

I can feel the burning in my eyes again as he speaks. I get no time to dwell on his words as another voice speaks.

“Asuka!”

I turn and see Misato stood before me, “Misato I…”

“I know the pain you must be feeling Asuka. You’ve been through so much and we… we all could have done more. I neglected you when you needed me most but…”

I laugh, “No Misato! You didn’t, you did the best you could. What else could you have done?”

“I told you to leave the past in the past, when you clearly wanted to talk about it I told you to forget about it. I should have encouraged you to talk, I should have told you about Shinji. I should have done a better job, I’m as much to blame for what happened to the world as any of us are.”

“But I… I made Shinji do it Misato and I… I kept losing and…”

“And nothing! Asuka listen to me, you can do this! We all believe in you! Go get ’em girl!”

Another voice, “Hey Asuka!”

The class rep, my old friend from school is stood before me now. “Hikari?”

“I’m sorry we weren’t there for you when we should have been. I wish we had seen it earlier.”

“Hikari it wasn’t… it was my fau-“

“We never stopped believing in you or the others though. We always felt safe when you three were piloting. Thank you for saving our lives.”

The tears are falling freely on my face now as another voice sounds.

“Sohryu.”

I look up and smile at the sound of that voice, “Wondergirl…”

“Thank you for helping me…”

“No… I didn’t. I was always horrible to you, calling you an emotionless doll! I didn’t… I didn’t realize…”

“I didn’t realize either. I would… I would have liked to have been your friend.”

“Asuka.”

One more voice. I turn to meet it and see Shinji standing there.

“Shinji.”

“Asuka. You saved my life, without you… I don’t know what I would have done. I love you.”

I smile, “I love you too Shinji.”

I’m crying as I say the words. Kaworu is at the centre of these four people. All telling me how I did well, how they’re proud of me. I appreciate the effort Kaworu I really do.

“They aren’t real though are they? They’re just what you think I want to hear.”

“That isn’t true Asuka, while it is true these people aren’t actually here right now what you are hearing from their forms is genuine. What you are seeing are echoes of their souls grabbed from the sea of LCL. This is only some of what they feel in their heart towards you.”

“Heh… a pep talk from lingering souls. When did I ever need anything like this? I’m crying too… I always said I wouldn’t in front of people…”

“Then it is a good thing for you that these are only echoes and I am not a person.”

“I guess that’s true, although I already broke that rule in front of Shinji and Misato. I’ve fallen so far…”

“You haven’t fallen Asuka, there is no shame in that.”

“You think I don’t know that? Doesn’t make it any easier. I know I don’t have to put on that façade anymore, I know I don’t have to lash out and yell but… it’s still there telling me I’m weak. It’s… telling me I’m unloved and don’t deserve to be loved… that I’ve failed and it’s telling me I’m better off dead.”

“Asuka… you are not unloved nor have you failed. You can still fight. You’ve heard their echoes, you are a strong person. You are fragile, you are complex… you are deserving of love. I love you.”

The smile returns to his face as he says those final three words. I stare up at him and let all his words wash over me. If anyone else had said that to me I might have lashed out, I might not have believed it yet there is something in the way Kaworu has said it. A feeling I get from his presence that speaks to me of his honesty. I can’t explain it, it’s just a feeling I have. Shinji told me about something similar from his meetings with Kaworu.

At the same time I don’t know what to do. Those echoes, the people in my life who are important to me all care about me. I have no reason to doubt it’s a trick. I believe that those are what he said they were. The only problem is I don’t know how to fight this thing. I look up at Kaworu again, the echoes of those people have vanished.

“I… haven’t failed?”

“No, while you are still here there is still the possibility for you to beat this.”

“And… I haven’t been abandoned? I… I saw Shinji and Rei, I saw Misato… they aren’t there waiting for me. They… gave up on me.”

He shakes his head and drops the smile, “You have been misled Asuka.”

“But… I saw them….”

“I know and I can’t explain it but trust me, what you saw was not likely to be the complete truth.”

“You… don’t know that though, you… you just said you can’t explain it. How do you know it isn’t the truth? You know what I was like before Third Impact, why wouldn’t they abandon me? I deserve it.”

He looks at me for a moment and I know I have him, he doesn’t have an answer for that.

“Because I have seen Shinji’s heart, I know that he would not abandon you for anything.”

“H-He would for Rei, she was… she meant a lot to him! He was always fixated on her, I was just…”

Kaworu laughs, “Shinji does indeed love Rei but it is not in the way you might think. Asuka, did Shinji tell you the truth about Rei Ayanami? About what she is?”

I look up at him and I shake my head as I try to remember. I’m sure Shinji mentioned something once but I can’t remember it. My jealousy over Wondergirl always blocked any mention of her out of my head.

“It would be more appropriate for Shinji to tell you but… Rei Ayanami is the closest thing Shinji has to a blood relative alive at this moment in time.”

“A…A blood relative, you mean like a… sister?”

“Exactly like that.”

I throw my head back and hit the wall and groan. I do remember Shinji mentioning something along those lines now. Rei’s origins are in my head now, I can’t remember when it was mentioned but I do remember now. How could I have been so stupid to believe otherwise? I must have forgotten it or put it out of my head somewhere.

“Do you see now Asuka, you can fight this.”

Kaworu stands and extends his hand out to mine. I take his hand and he pulls me to my feet. Just as he does the cold wind blows through this corridor. I look up at Kaworu and he’s smiling again.

“I… I can do this?”

He nods, “Yes you can.”

“Where… where do I go?”

“The core of the Angel, follow me.”

He starts to lead me down a corridor and as he does so another thought crosses my mind. Kaworu said he loves me, what the hell did he mean by that? Why do I feel like I love him too?

XXX

This is wrong, according to Rei we’re going in the wrong direction for Germany. I haven’t questioned how she knows this, I just assume Rei knows things. In addition to that the man who saw to us earlier hasn’t emerged in a while to tell us what is happening and the Section 2 agents have noticeable weapons.

Rei has her attention focused towards the front of the plane. She has said very little instead letting me drift in and out of sleep. I haven’t had any dreams, at least not ones I remember. My thoughts have been filled constantly with images of Asuka though. I wonder what she is doing right now, she is fighting the Angel alone and I can’t help her. I wish so much that I could. I feel like I’ve abandoned her again. I only hope she knows I haven’t and that I’m thinking of her, that Rei is thinking of her and that we know she can do this.

“Rei… where are we?”

“The plane has been diverted, I do not know where we are going to. It is best we act as if nothing has happened.”

“D-Diverted? What… why?”

“I would assume the people who are transporting us and Major Katsuragi are also those responsible for the creation of the Angel.”

The calmness in her voice does little to soothe me. I feel my heart start to race as I look forward towards the Agents at the front of the plane. I curse my own stupidity at not realizing something was wrong sooner but even if I did what could I have realistically done? I’m an Evangelion pilot but when it comes to real life I’m just Shinji Ikari. I slump back in my seat and look at Rei.

“H-How long have you known?”

“Since we were picked up to be transported to Germany. I did not recognize the Doctor from the list of NERV personnel so I assumed something was wrong.”

“You didn’t recognize him? But NERV must have hundreds of people working for them, could you now have made a mistake.”

“Possibly but I memorised all the people of a particular rank within NERV on your fathers orders. He said it would be important to commit that knowledge to memory. While it is possible that personnel have changed it is unlikely. Therefore I believe we have been taken hostage by the group responsible for the creation of the Angel. I would also assume that the person that found me is also part of this group.”

I look towards the front of the plane again, one of the Agents is talking to the other. I’m scared, more so then I ever have been.

“Rei… aren’t you scared?”

“No, because I believe Sohryu will save us.”

XXX

The plane is coming into land, I look down at my watch and realize we’re still a good few hours out from Germany. We’re not on a commercial plane so we are going at an increased speed but even with that we’re still a few hours away. Yet I can feel the plane descending and I felt the rumble of the landing gear extending. Just what the hell is going on here?

I say nothing but prepare myself for trouble as we start to come in to land. I feel the guards staring at me, watching me for the moment I realize something has happened. I don’t let on that I know anything. They’ll know I’m probably wondering what is happening though, they’ll know I’m not stupid enough to believe we’re in Germany already. It’s become a game of who will blink first.

I continue to say nothing as we finally touch the ground. I sneak a glance out of the window but see nothing but trees and a few spotlights. Finally the plane comes to a halt and the man who brought the folder into me emerges.

“Major Katsuragi, I know you’re not stupid and have probably realized that we’re not in Germany. I would appreciate it if you would co-operate with us. No one needs to get hurt.”

A gun is pointed at me followed by two more from the goons on either side of him. Three guns against an unarmed woman, they must see me as a serious threat. With no choice I stand up and smile.

“I was wondering where we were.”

“It does not matter, this world will be cleansed soon. Keel might have failed months ago but we will not. It is only a matter of time before your pilot is broken and humanity achieves its true state.”

XXX

Kaworu leads me into a darkened room, in the centre of it is a cylindrical tank and a series of pipes all leading into it. The pipes are arranges bizarrely above it, it’s untidy and resembling a mechanical looking brain. I feel like I’ve seen something like this before but not in person, through someone else perhaps.

I strain my eyes and look to see if there is something in the tank and then I notice it. A red object floating in the tank, surrounded by LCL. This is the core, the heart of the Angel.

“Kaworu?”

No reply. I spin around and he’s gone. I’m alone and I’m frightened. I take a few steps towards it and I feel the cold wind blow around.

_‘Don’t.’_

I smile. I have the power now don’t I? I take a step towards the tank again. My heart is racing, I’m sweating and so very scared about what might happen. Yet I’ve never been so certain about doing this. Again the voice rings out again, snarling at me.

_‘Don’t!’_

“Scared are we?”

_‘You don’t know what you’re doing! If you do that you’ll die as well!’_

I laugh and step forward again, “I don’t believe you.”

_‘If you do that then they’ll die, my creators have them. As soon as they realize I’m gone then they’ll all die, they’ll be killed instantly. You’ll be alone.’_

I freeze just before taking another step. It knows what is happening to Shinji and Misato. The images I saw, I know they were true so the people who made the Angel might not be lying about that. Yet I think about what it shown me. I think about the distress I felt because of it and Kaworu’s words. I was misled. It tried to feed on my insecurities and fears and it nearly worked. Everything the Angel has done has been to lead me down a path of despair. It nearly worked, when I saw my mother die I was ready to give up. I was ready to send the world to hell yet I couldn’t.

When it shown me Shinji and Rei together, when it shown me Misato and made me feeling like I had been abandoned the words were on the tip of my tongue. Yet I couldn’t say it. I’d rather have stayed in this purgatory forever than damned the world, or damned Shinji. Even if he had have abandoned me I made a promise to protect him, to ensure he would survive. I don’t want to die, I’ve never wanted to die but if it means he is safe. I’ll take that risk.

Now however I know they have Shinji and if I act he is at risk. If I do this they could do something to him. Yet if I do nothing they might do it anyway. I can’t stray from this path. Everything I’ve gone through has been leading up to this. It took my Shinji away from me, I spent nearly a month by his bedside watching on as I could do nothing. It made me feel powerless. This abomination.

It killed my mother in front of me. It took away my happy ending with her. It fed on my insecurities and my anxiety. It made me feel weak and pathetic. It tried to take away everything I was and offer me false hope. I’d rather die than give it and its creators what they want.

I take another step forward and immediately I’m confronted with a woman’s voice. My mother’s voice.

_‘Wait Asuka, you can’t do this.’_

I free up again before taking my next step towards the tank in the centre. I close my eyes and take in a deep breath. It’s just a trick, it’s a trick and I have to keep moving forward. I can’t turn around, I can’t face it because it’s a trick. It isn’t real, just like the monsters I envision in the dark. It isn’t really there just like the creatures that I see when I try to go to sleep. She is gone, I know that. Just like I can’t turn off the night, she can’t be here with me.

Yet I feel myself turning around to see her.

_‘We can be together Asuka, we can be a family just like you always wanted. You don’t have to be alone anymore.’_

I turn around and I open my eyes.

“Mama…”

XXX

“Misato!”

She lifts her head as I shout and looks towards me. Immediately she shakes her head as I’m about to run forward and I remember the situation we’re in. It happened just as we landed, a group of armed people got onto the plane and marched us off. It was exactly as Rei said, the people who got us were the people who created the Angel.

Now they’ve brought us to this location, we don’t know where it is but at least Misato is here. The three of us were blindfolded and herded into a darkened room before the door was locked.

“Misato…”

She says nothing for a moment, I can see the emotion in her eyes. I forget how long it’s been for her since she has seen me properly. She emerged from that sea of LCL and that same night was the night I was shot.

“S-Shinji… I… I…”

She drops to her knees and throws her arms around me and buries her head into my shoulder. I’m uncertain of what exactly to do so for a moment I stand their awkwardly while Rei also stands looking onward. Her head cocked to the side.

“I believe this is where you should put your arms around her.”

I nod, “Y-Yeah you’re right… sorry. Thank you Rei.”

“Shinji… I was… we were so worried. We… the Angel, what happened and Rei, what are you doing here? How… I thought you were…”

Misato pauses for a moment and I can see her trying to collect her thoughts. In honesty I don’t know how I’m going to explain what happened to me. I don’t know how much time it’s going to take nor do I know how to make it not sound like I’ve gone insane. All I know is that there is one person missing that I need to see, that I need to know about desperately.

“Misato… where is Asuka?”

“Shinji we… I…”

She bites her lip, I’ve picked up on this before. It’s what she does when she is trying to give me bad news but doesn’t know how. She might be thinking of a way to sugar-coat it or hide it somehow. After a moment she speaks.

“We don’t know, we saw you both fighting the Eva series and we saw you both get pulled into the Angel but I was forced to leave the Geofront and… we don’t know what happened to her. I know it isn’t what you wanted to hear but it’s the truth. I… what happened to you, how were you fighting the Angel? Where did Unit 01 and 02 come from?”

I look from Misato to Rei. She doesn’t know what has happened to Asuka. Rei told me Asuka was fighting the Angel but I don’t know if that is true. If I got spat out by the Angel somewhere then maybe she has as well. Yet I don’t know if I should doubt Rei. I look at Misato again and I can see the concern in her eyes.

I begin to tell her about what happened to me. I tell her everything about how I woke up in that other world. How I was made to believe that what I had experienced was a false reality created by the twelfth Angel. How I had tried to fix things in that world and how I eventually found out it was all false thanks to Kaworu and Rei.

Misato doesn’t interrupt me while I tell my story, she doesn’t question any of it not nor does she question me on believing it. Instead she listens and takes everything in that I’m saying. I eventually tell her about what the Angel was trying to do and how me and Asuka were brought together again. I tell her about how I was spat out in that town only to be found by Rei.

Finally she turns to Rei, “You… helped them? How?”

“I have no recollection, as of last night my link to Lilith and that world has been severed. I am aware that I did something but I cannot say what.”

“You… lost your memory?”

Rei nods, “I am… losing fragments of it, either that or the part of Rei Ayanami that was connected to Lilith is no longer a part of me. As an example I am no longer able to sense the parts of humanity that I once was able to. I am no longer able to sense the presence of Lilith or remember the events of the world Shinji was taken into in as much detail. I am as… starting to be as in the dark as you all are about it.”

“Oh Rei… I’m…”

Misato releases her grip on me and moves over to Rei pulling her into a hug, “I’m sorry about everything that happened to you. I… I wish I could have done more.”

Rei stands there frozen for a moment in shock by Misatos gesture, I smile.

“I believe this is where you should put your arms around her.”

Obediently Rei mimics what I did earlier. It looks awkward and clumsy, I don’t expect Rei has much experience in hugging people but it looks like she has the basics of it down. I guess before me and Asuka returned neither of us had much experience in it either. I dread to think what our first time holding each other looked like.

“Misato… what’s going to happen to us?”

“I don’t know Shinji. These people go deeper then we first thought and it’s not like we can fight our way out of here. We don’t know anything about these people. I can just hope that Rebecca’s people realize what’s happened or even if Asuka can save us somehow.”

XXX

I’ve listened to Shinji tell his story. I let him speak and as fantastical as it sounds I believe every word of it. I feel a lump in the back of my throat but I swallow it down as we all sit in this cell. I feel so useless in front of Rei and Shinji right now. If I had maybe taken more notice of what was happening, if I had tried harder while Shinji was in that coma maybe we could be out of this situation.

I look across at Shinji. He’s sat on a bed with his knees pulled up to his chest. Rei is stood on the other side of the room looking at nothing in particular. Shinji has grown since Third Impact, not much but he looks different. I suppose living as the only two people in the world for a nearly two months will do that. He hasn’t cried, he doesn’t even look upset. I can’t tell if it’s a brave face he is putting on for us or not.

Maybe he just can’t right now, same as when he dealt with Kaworu. Maybe he’s just too drained or maybe he is saving it for when he and Asuka are reunited.

I wish I could have been there for them. To help guide them in some way while they survived. They shouldn’t have had to go through that hell, no one should have done. I should have done more. I should have done more from the beginning.

XXX

“Mama…”

_‘That’s right Asuka, we can be together. Isn’t that what you have always wanted?’_

I close my eyes again. Just a trick, it’s just a trick. That isn’t really her and we can’t be together. No matter how much I want it we can’t be together anymore. She’s dead. Her human body is gone and the Eva is gone as well. Anything else would be false.

_‘I can make all the pain stop Asuka, just me and you…’_

“No… you can’t. You’re not her and you never will be.”

_‘You don’t know that, you won’t know that. It can be perfect.’_

“I will know, just like he knew when he tried to go down that path. You can never be her. You can never give me what I want.”

With those words I turn away from her. I hear the voice of the Angel return and snarl something at me but I block it out. I run towards the core at the centre of the room. I feel tears streaming down my face. Everything I ever wanted, some people would do it. They’ve turn away from reality to accept that world of illusion. They’d let the world fall down around them for a shot at imaginary happiness.

Those people like SEELE believed humanity reached its end. That it had nothing left to live for and that the only way for it to progress was to bring us all together into a singular entity where there were no walls or barriers. It’s funny when you think about it, the concept of the wall around our hearts and minds. That which lets no one in and keeps people at a distance. Build that wall too high and you become isolated and you become that which you hate or despise.

Yet if we get rid of it completely, allow us all to become one and erase all the sadness and emptiness from our lives and we also erase happiness. We become nothing. As much as the real world might hurt me, as much as I might want to scream sometimes or be angry I’d rather be there. I’d rather be scared of the darkness in there than allow the false light here to engulf me.

I look at the tank in front of me, and then down at the console in front of it. The funny thing about this is how easy it is. The walls around our hearts are always so easily broken, the same rings true for Angels.

XXX

My heart is racing as I run through the corridor. Rei to my left and Misato in front of me. Misato stops next to one of the fallen guards and checks his pulse. I feel sick when I realize he’s dead. I see the blood pooling next to him. I don’t care that he is a part of the enemy the sight of his body makes me feel ill. Why does it have to end like his?

“Shinji!”

“Y-Yes?”

I look up and stumble back a little bit, I feel a pair of hands on my back propping me up.

“Focus only on me okay. I know… I know this isn’t easy but this is our only chance. I… I don’t know what the hell I’ll do to make up for this. I’ll buy you and Asuka a lifetime supply of ice cream but just focus on me alright. Don’t look at any bodies, just on me.”

I nod weakly. Her attention turns to Rei.

“Rei, are you alright?”

“Yes.”

Her voice is shaky, clearly she isn’t handling this well either. I know Misato is right, I have to focus on her. I hear more gunfire as we run through the corridor and an explosion. I don’t know what happened. Everything went past so quickly. I was sat in the cell, I was thinking about Asuka and how she must be doing. I was wishing I could be with her to help her in some way. All of a sudden there was a huge explosion, we heard some shots being fired and our cell door slid open. Misato immediately gathered us and we started to make our escape.

We come to the end of our path and the corridor splits into two. Misato waves her hand out and stops both me and Rei from moving.

“Kids turn around.”

“Wh-“

“Just do it Shinji!”

Her tone is no longer friendly, it’s serious. I turn around like she asked, I grab Rei by the hand and pull her away from Misato just in time to hear Misato fire three shots down the corridor. I feel queasy at the thought of it. I’ve seen Misato shoot people before but that was different, I wasn’t really in charge of my faculties then. Now I am, now I can hear the shots, I can smell the blood and feel the trembling in mine and Reis body.

“Rei are you alright?”

She nods, “I will be fine.”

“Me too.”

Misato calls back to us, “You can come out now and remember focus only on me.”

We both nod and I hold Reis hand as we both walk out into the corridor. I hear a tiny gasp escape Rei’s mouth as we do. I know she looked at the bodies, one of us had to. I’m trying with every fibre of my being to not look and just stay focused on Misato like she asked us to. I can feel my eyes curiously darting to the side. I can’t explain why, I don’t want to look but it’s like watching a horror movie. You don’t want to see it yet you peek through your hands at the scene.

“Misato what’s happening do you thi-“

“I don’t know, if I had to guess I’d say they found out the people behing it all had captured us and they are attacking. It all happened so quickly though, it’s as if they…”

Suddenly she stops and holds her hand out again, it’s another section where the path splits into two. We can either continue along the corridor or we can go into another one. I hear Misato curse under her breath.

“Damnit, who builds these facilities?”

“Are we lost?”

“To be lost we’d have had to know where we were in the first place Rei, we’re pretty desperate right now.”

Rei looks down both corridors and then back the way we came. She looks to be lost in thought for a moment before finally pointing behind us.

“We took a wrong turn, we should go back this way.”

Rei immediately starts to walk, he head turning away from the bodies. I run to catch up with her and Misato quickly follows.

“Wait how do you know?”

“I made an attempt to memorise the route we took when they brought us here.”

“But we were blindfolded.”

“I know, that is why I had difficulty remembering.”

XXX

I can hear the explosions in the distance, I can hear the agonized screams of the Angel as I drive the glass shard into the core. This world is collapsing, I don’t know what will happen next. I know what I want to happen. I want to go home, I want to be with Shinji. I want to taste his cooking again and I want him to hold me. I want to kiss him and make love to him. I want to forget about all of this.

I turn and face the entrance to the room. The ground shakes as I slide down and look around first at myself and then out again. I look at my dress and I see blood stains on it and I bring my hand up to my face. I’m bleeding, damage from the fight against the Eva’s. Yet another scar to add to the ones I already have.

Another explosion. They’re getting closer. I hope I don’t die. I don’t want to die. I softly whisper that to myself.

_‘I want to go back, I have to go back. Shinji… Misato… they’re waiting for me. They’re relying on me. I don’t want to die. I can’t die. I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu. I… I don’t want to die.’_

More explosions, they’re right outside the room. I close my eyes, my voice louder this time as I feel the final explosion. I open my eyes one more time as the light engulfs me, I can see her there again. My mother only it isn’t the Angel taking her form again, it’s really her. Standing next to her I see a boy with silvery hair, red eyes and a school uniform. This isn’t the end, it can’t be. I scream out.

“I DON’T WANT TO DIE!”

XXX

All three of us struggle to stay on our feet as another explosion rocks the facility. I watch as the roof is torn off in front of our eyes. We’re all near blinded by a bright light and feel the immense heat from the latest explosion.

I raise my arm to shield my eyes and wait for the intensity to go down. As it does I realize it’s a cross shaped explosion. I look at the stunned faces of Misato and Rei as we realize something. The Angel… it was here and that explosion means it’s been defeated. That’s what happens, we defeat an Angel and a cross shaped explosion happened afterwards. It has to mean that which means…

“Asuka…”

I turn to Misato, “Misato! Asuka… she is here too! She has to be!”

“Shinji she… how? She was in the Geofront, how can she be here too?”

I shake my head, “I don’t know, I don’t know anything about how this Angel works or what these people made. We never knew anything about the Angels did we? How did that one get into orbit? How did one get in a volcano? Where the hell did the spider one come from? I just… she’s got to be here!”

Rei steps forward and I plead with her, “Rei… you must know… she’s here right? That thing we saw it was the Angel being destroyed right?”

“I… I am sorry Shinji, I don’t know.”

“It… It has to be!”

I’m an idiot, Asuka is right because if I wasn’t an idiot I wouldn’t do the thing I’m doing right now and that’s run. Run down the corridor and climb of a collapsed bit of wall. I survey the area in front of me and hear Misato’s yelling behind me. I can see the base of where the explosion was. I can see an octagonal field at its base. An A.T. Field!

I ignore Misato and run towards it. I’m such an idiot. I can hear the sound of helicopters, I can hear gunfire as I cross that small gap towards the A.T. Field. She is there… she has to be. I run as fast as I can, throwing any caution to the wind until I arrive.

Finally I see it, the cylindrical object in the centre of a crater. I see the text on the side of it. Evangelion Unit 02. My heart pounding, my stomach churning I run to the hatch. Intense heat threatens me as I approach. I rip my shirt open and quickly slide it off giving me something to put between my hands and the red-hot handle on the plug.

I scream out in pain as I make contact with the door. The shirt does little to ease the pain.

“ASUKA!”

Slowly I feel the handle start to turn. It’s so slow and stiff at first but eventually it loosens. I see the LCL spill out as the door opens. More heat blasts me in the face as I scramble into the darkened chamber. I look around for any sign of her and hear a sniff from the centre of the plug.

“ASUKA!”

No reply. I dart inside and around to the seat. She is there, her eyes wide and staring straight up. I can see blood trickling down her cheek from a wound on her head.

“Asuka!”

I make my way around to her front trying to get her attention. She slowly registers my presence.

“Sh-Shinji?”

I throw myself at her and wrap my arms around her tightly as she lies there barely moving. After a moment I feel her arms wrap around me.

“I… I’m not dead?”

Through tear stained eyes I pull back and shake my head.

“No… you’re not, you’re alive. We… we’re alive Asuka. You did it!”

I look at her lying there in the seat. I don’t understand how she got here or what happened. She looks exhausted, she can barely move. I don’t think she knows where she is, come to think of it I don’t know where we are either. Yet all I know is that everything is going to be fine. Asuka saved us and we’re going to be rescued.

“I… I did? Oh… yeah I did didn’t I?”

 _‘We move in circles, balanced all the while on a gleaming razors edge._  
A perfect sphere, colliding with our fate.  
This story ends where it began.’

I sit up and I look across at one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. If you were to meet him you’d probably be surprised to learn that but no one knows him like I do. He doesn’t look like much and he comes across as wimpy and lacking in backbone to the point of annoyance. In a past life I tried so hard to hate him.

I feel my fingers run across his bandaged hand as he looks out across the sea from our section on the beach. He thinks I’m strong too. I guess in many ways I am. After all you need strength to save the world don’t you?

It’s been two weeks since that happened. Since I was nearly the catalyst for the end yet again. They thought they could break me down, they thought they could dig up all my fear and insecurities and use me to finish the job SEELE started. Funny thing once upon a time I might have done it. Once upon a time I did want to do it.

Except I’m not the same person I was back then. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still terrified of being hurt and abandoned. I still have nightmares about my past and I’m still an angry young redhead. I’m still insecure about who I am and my purpose in life. Yet I don’t want to give my life up because I’m actually happy and if I wasn’t I know there is still a chance of happiness.

What those people wanted was to run away. Me and Shinji are through with running away. Besides, I promised I’d protect Shinji and I’m not in the habit of breaking my promises.

“It’s peaceful isn’t it?”

I lift my sunglasses and turn to him, “Yeah, let’s enjoy it before Misato comes along and ruins it with her drunkenness.”

He giggles, “You should cut her some slack. She’s been stressed out having to deal with the fallout from everything that happened.”

“Yeah yeah, I know but you’d think she’d show some restraint.”

“I don’t think she knows how.”

“She should learn! I didn’t save the world just for her to get drunk every night.”

Another laugh from him and we settle into a nice comfortable silence looking ahead at the sea. The beach is mostly empty aside from a few people out in the sea itself. We have a blanket with us, a small basket with food. It’s wonderful.

It’s been two weeks of recovery for the two of us. Shinji getting used to being back in this world. Adjusting to his feelings of guilt over believing he could change things, believing he had gone back in time and believing that was the real Asuka in there. I’ve tried to stay calm but it’s difficult. I can’t help but think sometimes about what he and that other Asuka might have done. I know he thought it was me but it’s still difficult. Yet I’ve been good. I’ve kept my anger to screaming fits when I’m alone. They’re not as long now so I think I’m doing well.

For me I’ve been recovering from seeing my mother die again. It’s strange but I don’t feel sad about it. I guess it’s because I finally got closure on the whole affair. It wasn’t like our brief re-union before Third Impact it was a real reunion with her. I know that person who was in that hospital bed when I was a kid wasn’t really her. It was something that was spat out of the Eva.

I still have nightmares about it, I’ve only had a few but I’ll wake up in our bed and Shinji will hold me. I don’t tell him I have nightmares. I don’t want to tell him, it’s embarrassing to admit it after I saved the world but he knows. He isn’t as stupid as I tell him he is.

I’m still not clear on everything that happened that day. As with most of the Angels we fought the laws that govern them are beyond our comprehension. From what we understand it was a combination of what was learned from the creation of the Eva’s, research on the Dirac Sea created in Tokyo-3 at the time of the twelfth Angel as well as Unit 04s activation test. It was somehow able to exist in a number of places at once. All of them linked by the Angel itself. So what appeared above the Geofront on that day was only one part of it. The Core of the Angel and its control centre was kept in their base. This is how it was able to spit me out there.

Shinji on the other hand was spat out somewhere else in Japan near to another location monitored by them. It was just where the Sea Of LCL ended, where Rei had landed weeks before hand. Knowing that this was a potential exit point for people, they used it to their advantage to have Shinji spat out there by the Angel. This was a part of their plan.

We know what their plan was, to isolate me. Drag me down to the lowest pits of despair they could and get me to pull the trigger on the world. So it took Shinji first knowing how I’d feel about it. It tried to merge the two realities and used the MP Eva’s as a distraction while it built power. Then it took Shinji away from me. It took us both in, absorbed me into the core and spat him out elsewhere. They thought I was weak, that I wouldn’t be strong enough to fight back. Yet I did.

There were some other elements in play. Rei and Kaworu somehow interfered and helped me and Shinji. I don’t know how and I don’t think we’ll ever figure it out. Wondergirl can’t remember and Kaworu… well he’s not been seen. I don’t think we will see him again, it’s a shame I felt a connection with Kaworu like he could have been a brother to me or something. I kinda always wanted a little brother to boss around. Rei on the other hand isn’t here today, I don’t know what she is doing. She’s been like one of those androids that’s learning to become human. Trying out emotions and human endeavours like art or music. Seems she has a talent for drawing. Emotions not quite, she tried smiling at me once and it was terrifying.

I don’t think it matters if we do figure it out. What matters is that we… well I did it. Sure I had a bit of help from Kaworu, I had some help from Shinji and I guess the soul echoes that Kaworu conjured up helped but aside from that the ultimate victor was me.

We also know that Rebecca’s people aren’t stupid. They knew as soon as Misato was called away that something was up and had a small team make contact with the U.N. to track the flight. The group sympathetic to SEELE never expected it. They thought that by the time they had gotten Misato and Shinji to their base that I would have brought them the release they wanted. Except I didn’t and they weren’t prepared for an assault. A number escaped to god knows where, others died and some were captures. They say the world is in a delicate state right now. Evangelion and Angel based technology is showing up on black markets and being offered to governments. World leaders are at each other’s throats every day and the UN don’t have enough answers to placate them.

There is talk of constructing the Eva’s again. A few still exist in the world from what I know and who knows what secrets are left behind but for now I’m content to just be me.

I bring my sunglasses back down over my eyes and lie back as I do Shinji rolls over and positions himself on top of me. I tilt my head at him.

“Shinji… what are you doing?”

He blushes, “I…”

He’s staring at me, looking down at me from the top of my head down to my stomach and I know as soon as I see his face change what he is doing. He’s comparing. He’s remembering what happened when we returned. Slowly I reach my hand up to him and I gently caress his cheek as he leans in towards me. I see his lip tremble and his eyes water.

“A-Asuka…”

I smile, “You’re crying…”

“I… I just… I’m just happy we…”

“Me too.”

I pull him towards me and kiss him gently on the lips. I can feel his tears splashing onto my cheeks, they mix with my own. We don’t break the embrace and lay there for a while in each other’s arms kissing each other gently and smiling at one another. I’m Asuka Langley Sohryu and this is Shinji Ikari. We’re both a little bit fucked up but that’s alright, we have each other.


End file.
